I need some direction

[mycuriosity40]

I am a 26 year old married male. I have a 2 year old son. My wife and I love each other very much, however our sex life has diminished. We are either too tired or putting our son to sleep.

Now, I am bi-curious and have accepted it (or at least I think I have). My wife accepts it too. She can even get a little freaky when we make love. In order to satisfy my needs, she talks dirty with me about things and does other things to me. When she does this, I have no urge to be with a man. However, since our sex life has died, I sit here and try to find myself an answer for my repressed feelings. She is the only one who knows I am bi-curious. I like women, men, and transgendered. While we aren't having sex, I am finding myself looking all over online for ways to get my feelings out (i.e. Porn, chat rooms, etc.). However, while we aren't having sex, I feel a stronger pull towards the other side. Mainly TS women, but some men too. In fact, its all I look at when I'm not with my wife.

She has actually questioned whether or not I was gay, but I do love my wife and am VERY attracted to women. However, I am also VERY attracted to TS women. I could only be in a relationship with either a woman or a TS woman. I am not romantically attracted to men. My wife has always been supportive though it has remained in the closet. She has done enough to repress those feelings so that I don't need to explore that side. However, while we do not make love, I am beginning to lose control.

I need to get my feelings out. Usually I would just tell my wife how hot some guy is and talk dirty about a situation while we were about to make love. However, recently I've been feeling the need to explore. I am married and believe in the sanctuary of marriage which makes it so much harder for me. We are on a break right now and will most likely be getting back together, but she has refused to have sex with me because we hadn't done it in a long time and she has "gotten used" to not doing it. I've been onto multiple sites looking at TS women through personal ads and everything. I've even been checking out the TS women in areas of other states I will be traveling to. I want to be with my wife but my feelings are so repressed that it's added to my already stressful life.

I need someone to give me some direction. What should I do? I just need a way to get these feelings out otherwise I'm going to be one huge ball of stress.

Thanks for reading!

[Long Duck Dong]

it sounds like a dual issue there.... excluding the issue with the wife.....

the mention of lack of sexual outlet and release, combined with the arousal from porn viewing, can lead to a increased desire to explore, as the normal * follow thru * is lacking.....

there is nothing wrong with the objects of your attraction and desire, so you can relax there, we all have differing types of people that attract us..... and the desire to explore and be intimate, is perfectly normal and healthy.....

ok, your wife... she could have touches of post natal low level depression, or post natal stress, that is masked by the on going daily grind of raising baby .... and that is evident in the * got used to not being intimate * aspect.... it can also be a hormonal issue.....
the hard part is to work thru the stress and issues without saying * hey darling, get fixed I wanna fuck *... cos the stress issues go both ways, it can stress you out and affect you to, but cos its affecting you, you do not see it as clearly as you do in your partner.......
lack of sexual want and desire, can affect females a lot after child birth and while they are bringing up the kids, but it generally doesn't affect males, males are more likely to suffer the work stress issues instead... hence you read a lot of threads about the womans lack of interest, but not the males.....
most people are not aware of how much of a strain, mentally, emotionally, physically and hormonal, pregnancy, child birth and child rearing can be on the famel body and that it can take a couple of years or more in some cases and medical / counselling intervention before a lady feels like herself again

taking a break can work, but the trouble is getting the chance to take a break together.... IE one day a week, you both go out together, have a night together without baby.... and spend some time together, just you and her.....
the reason behind that, is that issues and problems that are laying below the issue, can become more visible, without the distraction of baby needing to be put to bed etc etc......

a break or change in the routine of the daily grin, can *throw * people off balance enuf to trigger a change in each other and help start the path to rebuilding the relationship.... and then, if its still something you want to try, then look at the experimenting......

something tells me, that your partner may be finding sanctuary in the idea that you may find another person to have sex with and ease the pressure on her... that is definately not permission to go do it, cos feeling that way, doesn't mean she would be ok with it happening, and she may will implode....

so my advice is make time for you and her, one night a week without distractions, tell her honestly how you are feeling etc....and that you value her and the relationship but you are feeling the dual issue of lack of sexual relief and the draw of casual sex, and the inability to resolve that the way you both used to together..... so how do you both fix the issue...

[bityme]

I agree with every thing LDD said in the first four paragraphs of his post. From that point I take a different view.

It appears that things were great between you and your wife before the baby came along. You make her sound like a jewel in the way she handled your attractions and helped you repress them.

While children are generally viewed as a blessing, you have experienced some of the drawbacks. Along with your baby came a drop in the level of the communication you had between you.

Your attempt to resolve the problem was taking a break. This is just a euphemism for "Trial Separation," the prelude to divorce. BAD IDEA! You are now away from your family and the load on her just doubled. The separation will only act as fuel to increase the post-partum depression she is experiencing. This is evidenced by her outright refusal to have sex if you get back together.

You have a divorce in the making. If you want to save the marriage, and I think you do, you need to immediately get some professional help. Both of you need counseling to restore communication and her mental health and, as LDD said, she needs medical help for hormone testing and restoring her physical health. Don't just go to a store-front "marriage counselor." You need someone experienced in post-partum depression in addition to the general counseling. I would suggest a psychiatrist, a medical doctor who can write prescriptions and work with your wife's M.D.s.

The counselor can help restore the communication and work on the additional issue of your bisexuality and attraction to TS women. You seemed OK with your wife's assistance and repressing those desires. That may or may not work as a long term solution. Perhaps help in opening your marriage is another possibility. At any rate, it sounds like you truly love your wife and you believe in the sanctity of marriage. If you want to restore your jewel, you need the counseling. Without it you might as well may the trip to the lawyers.

Pappy

[Realist]

MC40,

I doubt if you can get better advice than the above. It's time for professional help!

I've seen the very same thing happen to other couples and if you don't get some professional help, NOW, you are probably never going to recover your marriage.

You need help and she does, too. You were happy before and maybe it's not too late to recoup that spark from before the baby.

The important thing, here, is not your cravings, but the possibility of saving your family.

If you want to explore later, with your wife's blesings, that is a different situation, altogether.

[dickhand]

I would like to direct you to put your dick in my mouth !

[_Joe_]

I am married and believe in the sanctuary of marriage which makes it so much harder for me. We are on a break right now and will most likely be getting back together, but she has refused to have sex with me because we hadn't done it in a long time and she has "gotten used" to not doing it

She needs to know that this is a problem for any marriage - with no regard to one's sexuality, any person is going to have problems right here.

[mycuriosity40]

Thanks for the awesome advice guys. I think my true problem lays in my marital issues not being resolved. Honestly, when I'm with my wife I don't have those thoughts much, but when I'm not with her, they come back full strength.

We are looking into a counselor and have an appointment next week to meet with her. I am looking forward to it and as much as I would like to explore that other side of myself, my wife and my son mean more to me than any fantasy or satisfaction. I honestly think that these stressors are causing me to feel the way I do.

You all make valid points and have DEFINITELY given me more push to get my marriage back to where it was. Thank you guys for your direction because you definitely have cleared up my mind and I kind of feel like I'm starting to think straight again(no pun intended lol). I know she does want to be with me, we just have some deep issues to resolve with one another before we can get to where we want to be.

Thank you all so much.

[Realist]

Good man!

Things may work out, or they may not....at least you are going about it the right way.

Whatever happens, you can look back the know that you gave her a chance, honestly, and did the right thing.

[elian]

Coincidently I just read an article in the local news yesterday, apparently they say there is a link between men who are raising children and a lower testosterone level...of course you know how "studies" are - they didn't say how many men and for how long a time.

[Northerner]

...We are looking into a counselor and have an appointment next week to meet with her...

I am glad to hear you are going ahead with the counseling. It sounds like your situation is similar to mine in my first marriage. If we had recognized that we had a problem and acted as soon as you seem to be, it might not have failed. Be ready for some hard work and uncomfortable learning on both sides.

My ex and I did seek counseling at the end, and while it proved to be too late to save the marriage, it helped us both resolve many issues. This made it possible for us to establish a new working relationship, (essential since we still had kids to raise). I think what I learned about myself in counseling made a large contribution to the success of my second marriage.

N

[bityme]

Thanks for the awesome advice guys. I think my true problem lays in my marital issues not being resolved. Honestly, when I'm with my wife I don't have those thoughts much, but when I'm not with her, they come back full strength.

We are looking into a counselor and have an appointment next week to meet with her. I am looking forward to it and as much as I would like to explore that other side of myself, my wife and my son mean more to me than any fantasy or satisfaction. I honestly think that these stressors are causing me to feel the way I do.

You all make valid points and have DEFINITELY given me more push to get my marriage back to where it was. Thank you guys for your direction because you definitely have cleared up my mind and I kind of feel like I'm starting to think straight again(no pun intended lol). I know she does want to be with me, we just have some deep issues to resolve with one another before we can get to where we want to be.

Thank you all so much.

I very happy for you. Even though you might find the counseling difficult at times because you have to open up and say things you have been holding in for a while, you will need to be completely honest with your wife and the counselor. Doing that, however, gives you the greatest chance of restoring, and even enhancing your marital relationship.

Many member of this site have similar feelings and fantasies about their sexuality and refrain from carrying them out because of their commitment to their spouse or significant other. That's living proof that it is possible. It really sounds like you are on track to joining their ranks. The fact that you and your wife had good communication before the baby arrived is also a huge factor in favor of your success. Renewing something you once had is much easier than trying to achieve something you have never experienced.

Wishing you the best in you journey,

Pappy

[1bimmwis]

Don't do anything. Don't risk your marriage. Walk away from your curiosity. Acting on it will lead only to trouble.