Christmas 1987...

[mikey3000]

My mother just rediscovered a letter I wrote her on Christmas Eve 1987, though she thinks I wrote it in 1957, poor dear. I wasn't even born till
1969. I read it again and it brought back a rush of emotion.

Anyway this letter I wrote was to thank her for being a good mother and to apologize for any grief I may have caused her. I wrote the letter because she was in intensive care at that point, recovering from a heart attack. She obviously appreciated this letter and kept it all these years. Little does she know my intent was completely different.

I remember every detail like it was yesterday. I wrote that letter at home, alone on Christmas eve, back in 1987 because it was my good bye letter. On the table beside me I had a full bottle of Percasette and morophine, and that night I was going to end my life. Miraculous intervention helped me that night but maybe postponed the inevitable.

Looking back 24 years now, I can't say I'm much better off now then I was then. :(

[keladry]

I'm young, but I think I understand a little of how you feel.

I want to say a couple of things (that you probably all ready know, but I'm'a say it anyway).

One is that no depressed state is the same as a previous one. Even if it feels the same, it isn't. If nothing else, you have the experience of the previous state to help you cope better with this one. And the it's not like being "depressed" (or whatever you want to call what you are feeling, I don't mean to impose my vocabulary) is just a flat experience. Highs, lows, okays, higher lows, lower highs, lower lows, etc its all in there.

Secondly, it's often hard to remember the good things when you aren't feeling well. It's probably not true that nothing good happened in those 24 years or that you did nothing that was worthwhile. I find it really hard to believe... so probably you should give the next 24 years a shot too :P

And finally, I really wish you didn't feel this way. It's not good, and it sucks . And I'm really really glad that whatever prevented you did. And if you ever get there again or are there now, please ask for help. Call a hotline, tell your doctor, go to the ER, whatever you need to do. It's okay.

Sorry I'm not more articulate but it's what I've got.

<cuddles?>

[elian]

About three years ago I was invited to a family reunion - for a family with a last name that was not mine! I think the worst nightmare of an introvert is going to a party and not knowing anyone in the room but my aunt from Texas was going to be there that I hadn't seen in 20 years so I was pretty determined to go.

The people were friendly, they showed me pictures of a side of the family I never really knew even existed before. My grandmother had three children before her first husband had passed away from cancer, She remarried but her original husband was something she never discussed. She felt that she was not "up to" attending the reunion.

It must have been painful for her but I had none of those old feelings - it was a blessing to finally hear the story, to know what really happened and to meet many friendly family faces.

There are so many times people trap themselves and carry old hurts with them - my grandmother just passed Friday and it makes me remember just how short life really is.

Drugs have caused my family a lot of pain. Through the eyes of a child I felt as though one way or another drugs took almost all of the people I valued in my life away from me. Some of those people were able to find the strength to fight depression and overcome addiction - it is something I will ALWAYS be proud of them for.

I'm glad that you were able to survive that day, and that you could tell your story to us now. Your are a sweet and wonderful guy - believe in your own potential

<hugs>

[Annika L]

Mikey, I'm going to break my promise to you and post on one of your threads.

I don't care what you thought in our stupid misunderstanding a year ago...the vast majority of what I've seen from you indicates that you are well worth having on the planet. I'm glad you're here, I believe you deserve happiness, and I think that in little ways that you may not be recognizing right now, you have found it, at least at times. I've noted that you seem to go through swings...sometimes you seem completely high on your life (in a good way), other times you seem very down. This sounds like one of the down times...I'm betting that if you give it a chance, things'll swing back. I hope it happens soon. *hugs*

[DuckiesDarling]

Mikey, I have nothing really say much other than I am so glad it didn't end in 1987. Even when we argued it was done with class and not just insults and most of the time we agreed even if was for different reasons. Just hang in there and know that at some point in the future you'll read that letter once again and again evaluate the road you traveled and know it was worth it.

[mikey3000]

Thanks folks. I'm just going through a very bad time now. Everything is falling apart. But I will survive. I'm determined to overcome. Just I never thouht being a bi married guy would be so tough. Let me tell ya, if I could turn back the clock, I never would have come out. Big mistake. We've hit another rough patch.

[elian]

Good things worth working for are never easy.. <hugs>

I might as well send you this link too, I posted it to two other places already. This minister is a little long winded but she has a good message, especially around 14m..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f07d9Ss8Va4