Is it cheating? [Archive]

Fun guy 6969

Sep 7, 2011, 11:28 AM

a_curious_guy_2010

Sep 7, 2011, 11:36 AM

My stance is that if she doesn't know, and she hasn't given you consent to have relations with someone without her knowing, then yes, it's cheating.

Jobelorocks

Sep 7, 2011, 12:01 PM

Yes it is cheating. Plain and simple. My husband and I swing together, but it would crush me if he hid sleeping with other people. Especially if it was after a big medical issue that affected my sex drive.... she is already dealing with enough problems. No need to kick her while she is down.

ukmale32

Sep 7, 2011, 12:11 PM

Yes. 100%.

snobee

Sep 7, 2011, 12:37 PM

Yes. 100%.

yep it is cheating but if you are both bi then you two need to talk and you need to let her know what you are feeling and thinking then go from there

Fun guy 6969

Sep 7, 2011, 1:39 PM

Thank you that is how I felt also.

Realist

Sep 7, 2011, 1:50 PM

However,

If you tell her of your needs and she agrees.......maybe she would even want to meet the person you intend to be with....... I know of one successful case similar to yours.

Communication is the key.

Don't ignore her need to be loved and cared for, during this trying time, though! Keep her at the number one spot in your life and heart.

Would it hurt to run this idea by her? You know her better than us.

mikey3000

Sep 7, 2011, 2:06 PM

Yes it is cheating. That being said, try to discuss your feelings with her. If, for some reason, she still doesn't want sex, and doesn't want you to have sex either, then you have a whole different scenario to figure out.

Good luck.

tenni

Sep 7, 2011, 5:08 PM

I agree with Mikey
Yes, you know that it would be cheating. The real question is whether it is wrong or not?

Morally, only you may determine that. As others have said, discuss it with your wife. If she refuses to give you permission to have sex with a man or woman and refuses to get medical help, then is it wrong?

Not a lot of things are simple in this life..unless we chose to ignore the factors.

binjlooking

Sep 7, 2011, 5:34 PM

Your Wife shouldn't have a problem with you seeking sex if she is no longer able or desires it. Do you think she would expect your to close that chapter in your Life because she has ?

slipnslide

Sep 7, 2011, 6:06 PM

Are people really this clueless? Paraphrased the question is "Am I cheating if I have sex behind my wife's back?"

Seriously?

Gearbox

Sep 7, 2011, 8:25 PM

Are people really this clueless? Paraphrased the question is "Am I cheating if I have sex behind my wife's back?"

Seriously?
What are you barking at?:rolleyes:

Long Duck Dong

Sep 7, 2011, 8:41 PM

you could use this approach :tong::tong::tong:

Wife sues over lack of sex (http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/5572123/Wife-sues-over-lack-of-wedded-bliss)

slipnslide

Sep 7, 2011, 9:34 PM

What are you barking at?:rolleyes:

How fucking stupid the average person is I guess. I often ask "are people really that stupid?" Too often the answer is yes.

This is right up there with "What colour is the blue car?"

Gearbox

Sep 7, 2011, 10:28 PM

How fucking stupid the average person is I guess. I often ask "are people really that stupid?" Too often the answer is yes.

This is right up there with "What colour is the blue car?"
Oh you were referring to the op being stupid for asking such a question.:bigrin:
I don't think he really had any doubt about it being cheating. He's not really stupid.
My guess is that he wanted some encouragement to cheat without blame. But he didn't get that 'get out of jail free card' from those who replied.:rolleyes:

What's interesting is that honesty with his wife is paramount, and her possible refusal to allow extramarital sex, puts HER in the dock.:tongue:
Hope he keeps us updated.:flag3:

DuckiesDarling

Sep 7, 2011, 10:48 PM

I think you already knew when you posted. The thing is, the operation is it one old but she could still be having issues. Has she even fully recovered? Was it something that affected her hormones and things? Is it possible given enough time she will be back to wanting to having sex with you even if she doesn't want anyone else? It would be cheating if you went outside the agreement, but I think given what you posted about your wife, that if you talk to her she will more than likely give you permission but if you go behind her back and she finds out, and she will find out, it's a thing that always happens when you don't want something known it comes out. That would lead to more problems than you think. I hope she gets better soon and hope you and her can work this out. Good luck.

matutum

Sep 8, 2011, 11:49 AM

My wife and I are both bisexual, and we have had a few bisexual experiences with another couple together. However wife had an operation about a year ago, and now seems she is not that interested in sex.
That said am I wrong to, and would it be cheating if I were to have sex, not with another couple but with another man only without letting her know????

duh?u know the anwer.Ask her and get permission.I live in Nevada. Is it cheating to be married and still go to brothel even tho its legal?It costs less to goto a brothel.I pay my whole paycheck and get told no,not tonight.The ladys at brothels at least smile and make u feel welcome..

dickhand

Sep 8, 2011, 2:58 PM

Shouldn't you be talking to your wife about this ? Several of the guys I play with are in the same boat as you . Luckily for me ! Some wives know , some don't . The ones who have wives that know are much more relaxed and enjoy themselves more . Just my opinion .

mikey3000

Sep 8, 2011, 10:40 PM

duh?u know the anwer.Ask her and get permission.I live in Nevada. Is it cheating to be married and still go to brothel even tho its legal?It costs less to goto a brothel.I pay my whole paycheck and get told no,not tonight.The ladys at brothels at least smile and make u feel welcome..

Wow. Did you just equate spousal sex to prostitution? Balsy. :bigrin:

Are people really this clueless? Paraphrased the question is "Am I cheating if I have sex behind my wife's back?"

Seriously?

And the judging begins... Remember dude, people still judge you too if they knew you were a cock sucker, with or without your partner's permission.

Everybody starts their journey somewhere; not everyone's situation is ideal.

drugstore cowboy

Sep 9, 2011, 12:08 AM

Whether it's cheating or not is up to you and your wife.

Have you ever talked to her about this?

tenni

Sep 9, 2011, 1:32 AM

"Everybody starts their journey somewhere; not everyone's situation is ideal."

I agree. I noticed that the OP has not posted on this thread since he started it. He has been on the site though. I wonder why? (have a suspicion)

Long Duck Dong

Sep 9, 2011, 2:16 AM

hydropop

Sep 9, 2011, 3:10 PM

Do you mean to tell me , you have to ask that question without really knowing the answer. Or are you just trying to get someone to say its cool so you wont feel guilty. Maybe your not smart enough to answer a your own stupid question.

Dont worry im sure you will get someone out there that feels its ok to fuck around with out her knowing, and say its not cheating.

Stupid is what stupid does.

slipnslide

Sep 10, 2011, 12:42 AM

Cogent

Sep 10, 2011, 1:01 AM

Calling all moralists.

If you wanted to be truly honest, the word "cheating" is a loaded word and implies a pre-judged value and a very crudely defined one at that.

The issue is: is sex while married (or "committed") with someone other than your partner, without your partner's knowledge:

a) harmful
b) wrong
c) necessary

And, to take the matter, further, under what conditions or circumstances? Are all circumstances the same?

Are there circumstances in which not having sex may cause greater harm than having sex? Or, to put it another way, what if doing "the right thing" can cause more harm than doing the "wrong thing?"

For example, if going without sex may break up the marriage (since living without sex for most of us is not sustainable) and there are kids involved who need to be protected. But telling the spouse who is not able to handle it can also break up a marriage... and that may not be not right either

Another example, a spouse is no longer able to have sex, is in a wheel chair and is dependent on the partner, but cannot countenance that partner finding sexual relief or fulfilment elsewhere. What a bind

I think the answer of what to do may be different for different people in similar circumstances.

There are likely some situations in which there is no one right answer.... all options may cause harm or be "wrong." Simple black and white answers don't reflect the complexity of human situations.

That said, this is not a blank check to do whatever you want.

It is rather a call to understand the full consequences of your actions, to understand the people around you, understand your love and the frame of your existence, and then make the best choice –– without letting other dictate what's right.

In your case... your wife knows you are bi... so the idea of you having sex with another man is not something that would bust up the marriage because she has some victorian prudery. You don't have to hide you bi-ness And it sounds like you have had an open shared view of sex, so discussing your needs for sex shouldn't be that difficult.

From your description it also sounds like the change in sexual interest on her part is as a result of the operation not a result of a change in attitude towards you or your marriage... you need to assess this issue. And you need to acknowledge her sexual reality.. (if such a discussion could take place in a positive loving, but realistic light)

My view is that you both would benefit if you talk to her about your need for sex and specifically your hankering for men... and see what she suggests. That discussion would create its own set of new conditions and you would have to decide what to do at that point.

And in your case, have sex with men, without discussing it with her would be taking the easy way out and avoiding dealing with difficult issues and robbing your relationship of the chance to address this. And that's what I think would be wrong. But that's my analysis.

tenni

Sep 10, 2011, 8:47 AM

Cogent
That is an interesting analysis.

welickit

Sep 10, 2011, 12:53 PM

Based on what you posted and what you wrote in your profile, the medical issue (assuming one actually exists) is only half of the story. You were aware of your wife being unhappy with your previous bi affairs with other men even though she was present. The answer to your question seems more than obvious to everyone except you.

slipnslide

Sep 10, 2011, 5:03 PM

pepperjack

Sep 10, 2011, 7:31 PM

I suspect a mild head injury at some point in his past.

the voice of experience?

johnpaul13

Sep 10, 2011, 8:00 PM

My wife and I are both bisexual, and we have had a few bisexual experiences with another couple together. However wife had an operation about a year ago, and now seems she is not that interested in sex.
That said am I wrong to, and would it be cheating if I were to have sex, not with another couple but with another man only without letting her know????

no i don't think so, so long as you keep it safe, as for me i only go for for other married guys, its not cheating

Jobelorocks

Sep 10, 2011, 8:43 PM

no i don't think so, so long as you keep it safe, as for me i only go for for other married guys, its not cheating

Hell yes it is. It is betraying the trust of your spouse and putting them in a situation where they can be seriously hurt. It is being just plain selfish. Just ask permission. If they aren't okay with it, you need to reconsider your relationship. I would leave my husband way before I would ever do something behind his back and lie to him (yes withholding information, especially something as personal as sex from your life partner is lying).

Even though we have done swinging, it would kill me if my husband cheated on me (cheating=doing sexual acts with someone other than your partner without their permission). It is really easy to use the excuse of sexual "needs", but in the end they are not "needs" but "wants".

Gearbox

Sep 10, 2011, 8:59 PM

Hell yes it is. It is betraying the trust of your spouse and putting them in a situation where they can be seriously hurt. It is being just plain selfish. Just ask permission. If they aren't okay with it, you need to reconsider your relationship. I would leave my husband way before I would ever do something behind his back and lie to him (yes withholding information, especially something as personal as sex from your life partner is lying).

Even though we have done swinging, it would kill me if my husband cheated on me (cheating=doing sexual acts with someone other than your partner without their permission). It is really easy to use the excuse of sexual "needs", but in the end they are not "needs" but "wants".
Is it about the 'Other man/woman' sharing a trust with your husband that he doesn't share with you? (If that was to happen I mean!:eek:).

Jobelorocks

Sep 10, 2011, 10:44 PM

Is it about the 'Other man/woman' sharing a trust with your husband that he doesn't share with you? (If that was to happen I mean!:eek:).

In marriages there should be trust and without that they have a much greater chance of failing. My husband and I trust each other very much with everything really. But trust should also involve you being honest with each other. If your spouse/partner isn't honest with you with who they are sleeping with, who knows what else they are not disclosing. Maybe they are having unsafe sex and bringing who knows what back to you. If you are dishonest with each other, who knows what you can believe.

Generally when there is stuff on the side, if you are the other person, then who knows if they are being honest with you either if they aren't honest with their spouse? Who knows who they are sleeping with, if they are being safe, or what they may be lying to you about. Henceforth why my hubby and I won't (knowingly) even swing with those who are a half of a couple. We don't want to be part of someone lying to the person who is supposed to be their life partner. It is unfair for their life partner.

Gearbox

Sep 11, 2011, 9:41 AM

In marriages there should be trust and without that they have a much greater chance of failing. My husband and I trust each other very much with everything really. But trust should also involve you being honest with each other. If your spouse/partner isn't honest with you with who they are sleeping with, who knows what else they are not disclosing. Maybe they are having unsafe sex and bringing who knows what back to you. If you are dishonest with each other, who knows what you can believe.

Generally when there is stuff on the side, if you are the other person, then who knows if they are being honest with you either if they aren't honest with their spouse? Who knows who they are sleeping with, if they are being safe, or what they may be lying to you about. Henceforth why my hubby and I won't (knowingly) even swing with those who are a half of a couple. We don't want to be part of someone lying to the person who is supposed to be their life partner. It is unfair for their life partner.
My wise old brother has a saying, "You can lock away from a thief, but you can never trust a liar.". Which pretty much what you are saying.;)

I doubt that people who do cheat see it in that kind of way though. To them, no harm is done by their actions, which is perfectly understandable IMO. BUT it's not their actions that cause the harm. It's the deception itself.
It's nothing to do with morals or sex! Just plain and simple mutual trust.

It would be a good idea to have an annual 'Honey I'm going to get some extra nookie!' day.:tongue:
It might kill or cure a relationship. But at least both parties would know where they stand and who with.:)

Long Duck Dong

Sep 11, 2011, 9:55 AM

I tend to agree with you gearbox.... tho I look at it from the point of view, that if a person will lie to the one they love, then what value do they place on a friendship and who will they use, in order to satisfy their own desires ( sexual or non sexual )

if a person is going to cheat, then they are going to cheat..... regardless of sexuality....and what I notice so much, is they say its the partners fault that they cheat.... then when the shit hits the fan, the person is sorry for their actions.....
why do they not take responsibility for their actions in the first place and admit they cheat, cos they can... not cos they had to, but cos they chose to....
if they had to, they will say to the partner, I had no choice, you made me cheat,..... and there is always a choice.....

lv69cpl69

Sep 13, 2011, 5:34 PM

YES YES YES bi str8 gay no matter if your s/o don't know and ok it. it IS CHEATING. if you don't love and respect your lover enough to be honest you shouldn't bee there. just an opnion. we are human not dogs. just a thought. Also if she loves you she should understand your needs but cheating is NEVER the thing to do... sorry but you asked

Polar Bear

Sep 13, 2011, 7:25 PM

NjbiGuy01

Sep 13, 2011, 7:57 PM

yep it is cheating but if you are both bi then you two need to talk and you need to let her know what you are feeling and thinking then go from there

If she's lost interest, she should respect that you have needs and let you do what you need to do....just my opinion...

Cherokee_Mountaincat

Sep 14, 2011, 12:23 AM

If you are doing it WithOut her knowledge, then its Still cheating., If she said "G'head, have fun" that would be a different matter, but without her consent, its still what it is, cheating.
Sorry, but you asked..
Cat

lv69cpl69

Sep 28, 2011, 7:59 PM

Gotta love/lust our CAT:male::bigrin:

CorePDX

Jan 15, 2012, 2:36 PM

It is cheating.