Bisexual boyfriend

[Justwondering]

Hi, I'm new to the world of bisexuality and trying to understand it. I hope that my ignorance in this area doesn't cause me to offend anyone and apologies if it does.

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful bisexual man. We met over a year ago and I found him very attractive from the start. As I got to know him I discovered a kind, considerate, funny and intelligent friend and liked him even more. Over a few months things developed and we began to date one another. I was over the moon. There was nothing I could find that I disliked about him. I would pinch myself at my luck. I introduced him to my friends who all took to him straight away and got to know his friends who are all lovely. Things were developing brilliantly with just one little cloud...

From the start sex was complicated between us. Kissing and intimacy was fantastic and there seemed to be great chemistry but the first time we tried to have sex he lost his erection. He was mortified and acknowledged that it had happened before with two women whom he had also known well before beginning a sexual relationship. I thought it was nerves because there had been such a build up over months before we got together and we both liked each other so much. Gradually the problem went away over the next couple of months and suddenly we had a great sex life.

Then as things were getting serious a few months in he told me that he was bisexual. He told me because he wanted to be honest as he was developing strong feelings for me (he's a great guy!). I was confused as I don't know any other openly bisexual people. He is out to his close friends and family (but not his parents) and was in a gay relationship for a couple of years but has a preference for women. We've talked about it quite a bit and reading on websites like this I think I've gotten some understanding of it. However, after he told me our previous problem rearose for a while. Instead of loosing his erection he now found it difficult to achieve orgasm. It made me wonder if he was bisexual or gay. Things then improved again but recently have once again become challenging.

He says he loves me and I absolutely believe him. I love him very much and am trying to understand this. If there were no sexual problems I don't think this would be an issue for me. However, the fact that he is bisexual coupled with the sexual problems ... lost erections, difficulty climaxing, preference for s&m (which I also enjoy but he seems to need), difficulty cuming inside me but no problem masturbating etc worries me and makes me wonder... Could a man identify as bisexual because he desires a straight relationship without the attraction to women?

Thanks for reading!

[Darkside2009]

Hi, I'm new to the world of bisexuality and trying to understand it. I hope that my ignorance in this area doesn't cause me to offend anyone and apologies if it does.

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful bisexual man. We met over a year ago and I found him very attractive from the start. As I got to know him I discovered a kind, considerate, funny and intelligent friend and liked him even more. Over a few months things developed and we began to date one another. I was over the moon. There was nothing I could find that I disliked about him. I would pinch myself at my luck. I introduced him to my friends who all took to him straight away and got to know his friends who are all lovely. Things were developing brilliantly with just one little cloud...

From the start sex was complicated between us. Kissing and intimacy was fantastic and there seemed to be great chemistry but the first time we tried to have sex he lost his erection. He was mortified and acknowledged that it had happened before with two women whom he had also known well before beginning a sexual relationship. I thought it was nerves because there had been such a build up over months before we got together and we both liked each other so much. Gradually the problem went away over the next couple of months and suddenly we had a great sex life.

Then as things were getting serious a few months in he told me that he was bisexual. He told me because he wanted to be honest as he was developing strong feelings for me (he's a great guy!). I was confused as I don't know any other openly bisexual people. He is out to his close friends and family (but not his parents) and was in a gay relationship for a couple of years but has a preference for women. We've talked about it quite a bit and reading on websites like this I think I've gotten some understanding of it. However, after he told me our previous problem rearose for a while. Instead of loosing his erection he now found it difficult to achieve orgasm. It made me wonder if he was bisexual or gay. Things then improved again but recently have once again become challenging.

He says he loves me and I absolutely believe him. I love him very much and am trying to understand this. If there were no sexual problems I don't think this would be an issue for me. However, the fact that he is bisexual coupled with the sexual problems ... lost erections, difficulty climaxing, preference for s&m (which I also enjoy but he seems to need), difficulty cuming inside me but no problem masturbating etc worries me and makes me wonder... Could a man identify as bisexual because he desires a straight relationship without the attraction to women?

Thanks for reading!

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It looks as though these symptoms occur when he is under stress of some kind. At times when the nature of your relationship appears to be stepping up a gear on each occasion.

The first when you had sexual intercourse, the second when he revealed himself as bisexual, and this last time due to...

Have you both discussed marriage, or living with each other? It seems that when he is sure of your reaction his symptoms abate somewhat. It may be nerves on his part, you said he had a previous relationship that didn't work out. Perhaps this growing relationship with you is re-awakening memories in him as to why his previous relationship failed and this might be causing fear in him of the same thing happening again.

You don't mention your ages, but if he is experiencing erection problems, it might be an idea to get a physical examination to check blood pressure, cholesterol levels etc as 'furring' of the arteries can cause problems in obtaining and maintaining erections. Medication can go some way to relieving this.

Whilst S&M can add some spice to a sex life, if he needs it that way every time you have sex together it may indicate an underlying problem, either in your relationship together or in a previous relationship he has had.

From what you have said it seems clear you love him, I would suggest you both seek some form of professional counselling together in order to resolve these issues. Only you know, if he will be willing to undertake such sessions, as you know him better than we do. Anecdotal opinion will only take you so far.

I hope you manage to resolve the matter to your mutual satisfaction but I would delay any thoughts of marriage to him,( if that is what has been on your mind), until such time as the matter is resolved.

As a couple, you will both have expectations of this relationship. Can both of you meet the others expectations and needs? If not, it might be better to part as good friends, rather than plough on regardless, hoping matters will resolve themselves. Niggling little matters have a habit of turning into bitter recriminations later, if they are ignored.

Best wishes, Dark

[falcondfw]

Hi, I'm new to the world of bisexuality and trying to understand it. I hope that my ignorance in this area doesn't cause me to offend anyone and apologies if it does.

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful bisexual man. We met over a year ago and I found him very attractive from the start. As I got to know him I discovered a kind, considerate, funny and intelligent friend and liked him even more. Over a few months things developed and we began to date one another. I was over the moon. There was nothing I could find that I disliked about him. I would pinch myself at my luck. I introduced him to my friends who all took to him straight away and got to know his friends who are all lovely. Things were developing brilliantly with just one little cloud...

From the start sex was complicated between us. Kissing and intimacy was fantastic and there seemed to be great chemistry but the first time we tried to have sex he lost his erection. He was mortified and acknowledged that it had happened before with two women whom he had also known well before beginning a sexual relationship. I thought it was nerves because there had been such a build up over months before we got together and we both liked each other so much. Gradually the problem went away over the next couple of months and suddenly we had a great sex life.

Then as things were getting serious a few months in he told me that he was bisexual. He told me because he wanted to be honest as he was developing strong feelings for me (he's a great guy!). I was confused as I don't know any other openly bisexual people. He is out to his close friends and family (but not his parents) and was in a gay relationship for a couple of years but has a preference for women. We've talked about it quite a bit and reading on websites like this I think I've gotten some understanding of it. However, after he told me our previous problem rearose for a while. Instead of loosing his erection he now found it difficult to achieve orgasm. It made me wonder if he was bisexual or gay. Things then improved again but recently have once again become challenging.

He says he loves me and I absolutely believe him. I love him very much and am trying to understand this. If there were no sexual problems I don't think this would be an issue for me. However, the fact that he is bisexual coupled with the sexual problems ... lost erections, difficulty climaxing, preference for s&m (which I also enjoy but he seems to need), difficulty cuming inside me but no problem masturbating etc worries me and makes me wonder... Could a man identify as bisexual because he desires a straight relationship without the attraction to women?

Thanks for reading!

Justwondering,
First of all, I am confused by your question. Are you asking if he is telling you that he is bisexual because he really just wants to be friends? If that is your question, I doubt it. Most of the guys I know would either tell you they just want to be friends or they would not put themselves in a situation with you where things could become sexual (lots of "double dating", hanging out with groups, very little alone time, that sort of stuff). However, only he can answer the question. Just be forewarned, the answer could be "I care about you a lot, but yes, I just want to be friends.". Are you prepared for that?

One question I have for you is how old is your boyfriend? While that is not necessarily a leading indicator that his problems could be medical, the older he is, the greater the chance his problems could be medical. Also, if I may ask, what kind of shape is he in? If he is overweight, like me, that can predispose him towards what I will discuss next.

I had the same kinds of issues as your bf towards the end of my marriage, both problems. A big part of it was due to depression. And don't say "Oh, he's always smiling. He's always so happy. He couldn't possibly have depression issues.". It's called a front and everybody puts up fronts. People can be laughing like crazy on the outside and screaming for help on the inside. He could be having issues with his sexuality, even though he was in a gay relationship for a while. Society still frowns on both gay and bi relationships. That can easily depress people. Is he out of work, like half of the world? That definitely will depress most guys, without them even realizing it. It was a big factor in my depression.

Further, I have diabetes. I know one of the side effects of unknowingly having out of control diabetes is nerve damage in the extremeties (hands, fingers, feet, toes, penis). That can definitely cause erectile issues.

Another thing is that erectile issues are often the first signs of heart disease, high blood pressure, or circulation problems.

My advice to you is to first get him to go to the doctor to eliminate medical causes. He may not know that erectile issues are signs of those medical conditions and you could be saving his life.

If he checks out medically, then the problem may be mental and he may need to start seeing a counselor to help him through these issues. Is he afraid to express his desire to you when he sees a cute guy because he is afraid to lose you? Is he conflicted because he always thought he was gay and you are the first female to bring out these feelings in him? He could definitely be having identity or sexuality issues. Also, you said that he has had erectile problems with you before. The main thing most guys want to do is make sure their lady (or guy) is satisfied and taken care of. The fact that he has had problems before will play on his mind the next few times and maybe longer. "oh god! What if it happens again? I so want to please her. Oh. no. is that. no. it's not going away. it's just my mind playing tricks on me. but what if I lose it again? Will she leave me because I can't satisfy her?". And yes, I was there. When IT started working normally again, I mostly forgot about my problems, but the failure was there in the back of my mind. Until it happened again. Then my failure was at the front of my mind.

I hope some of this rambling response helps.

[Realist]

Welcome, J.W.

As you can see, there's some great advice and experience available, here! I think all of the suggestions above are valid.

As I read your post, I began to think about something called "Performance anxiety syndrome". Even in my youth, if I was head over heels in love with someone, I could have problems just like his. My desire to please was so severe and apprehensions that I might fail, ensured that I did fail!

I get the idea, from reading your description of the loving traits your BF exhibits, that he is really deeply concerned about your pleasure. Sometimes, sensitive men, who are normally virile, may not perform as they'd like, because of real, or imagined issues.

It's like he wants so badly to please you, but has anxiety that he may not, ruins it for him. That, in turn, shuts down his "equipment". If he didn't care about you, or your desires, he might do just fine.

I would think that if you encourage him to relax, don't make a big thing out of his performance, and keep an open dialog about your and his feelings, he may work things out. Also, he shouldn't forget that there are things he can do, to give you pleasure, that may involve oral or manual stimulation.

The suggestions above, about counseling and a medical check-up, makes sense, too.

Having failed relationships can hurt a person's self esteem and I venture to say his SE may be damaged.

If he is shy and has difficulty sharing his feelings, maybe you can help by being the initiator and discussing your feelings in a non-threatening and open way. If one partner is up-tight and nervous, it is often very calming for the other partner to be very matter-of-fact and open, about normally controversial subjects.

In the end, it's up to you two to identify your rough spots and to correct them, before things get too bad. Believe me, it's a lot easier to solve problems now, while you are still new to each other, than cover it up and keep quiet about it...maybe for years. I've seen issues like these sit in the back of some minds to come out much later, in vehement and hurtful ways.

Few new relationships are trouble-free. You and he seem to really care about each other, so maybe just a little effort will help get you on a much more solid path. I hope so, anyway!

Good luck, Lady.

[DrBimind]

Like Flacon sez, get him to get a medical check up as well....I have pernasis anmenia, a medcial condition that requires me to get a B-12 injection monthly. Before I was diagnosed, I experienced similar problems like your boyfriend...and now that I'm type 2 diabetic, I have these same problems now and then. So get a clean bill of health first and then continue on to other probs mentioned as well. If you can stand by him no matter what, then I'd say you have laid a great fondation of trust, love and compassion of a hopefully passionate relationship. Also as I've found out thanks to my loving wife, that a well lubed finger or other object can stimulate a prostate orgasm without an erection...try it as it be very much fun.

Doc

[Jobelorocks]

Just because your boyfriend has these issues it does not mean he is gay. I had a boyfriend at one point who was only 32 and he had erectile dysfunction. Also it can be due to stress. My hubby sometimes has issues when he is really stressed. I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Since it seems to be a rare problem I really wouldn't worry about his sexuality. It is probably either medical or stress.

[love1234]

When younger I could fuck the wife all night long and never get off. This same thing happed with other females.

Most the time in morning they got me off easy.

I would not worry too much on the no hard on thing. Practice your cock sucking till your the best in the world:-)

You do not state age but lots of guys as they get older are much better at having hard on in mornings and lose testosterone as the day goes on and sex at night time is not that great at times.