Devastated.....

[biguy3113]

Hello everyone, it has been a hell of a summer and I have been away for a couple months. We lost the house and moved 2 months ago which all seemed okay until 2 weeks ago after my wife was gone on a week vacation, she came home and left for good not only me bu the kids also. She says she is done and can not do this anymore but she has yet to tell me this is. We have always had a stable relationship with a yearly blow up fight and after 7 years of marriage it appears it is coming to a bitter end. My head has been spinning since it happened 2 weeks ago, trying to figure things out. The complaints she had of me have been changed, mainly drinking, but she is running harder than ever. She is/was my best friend and I do not want this to end this way but seems to have zero emotions surrounding our life together. What would make a woman leave her husband and kids? I am still deeply i love with her and know that accepting her back now would only setup me up for future pain and suffering. She is acting erratically and not like the calm and controlled person I married 7 years ago. I have been asked if she has someone else and she says no and I believe her because it is not the type of person she is. I have always been the sexually exploitative one. Any insight would be great, I really just need the conversation and support of like minded people right now and I have always felt welcome here over the past couple years of accepting my sexuality and real identity.

Regards,
Jamie

[biggerjim69]

So sorry to hear about your plight. Hopefully you have family members or close friends near by that can help with the children. You should seek profession help from a clinical psychologist that specializes in family issues. Your wife obviously has some psychological problems. You need to take care of yourself and children number one! If your wife has started having erratic behavior and mood swings she could be suffering from a bipolar disorder. Take care of yourself. Jim

[dickhand]

I can relate . Totally different circumstances though . My wife was also my best and only friend , lover , care taker , mother of our children . When she left , it was sudden . absolutely out of the blue . We had been together for 30 years . It was a devastating loss . It has only been 4 years and 9 months since she passed away . No chance of getting back together . I am afraid I can not offer any advice , but I can understand the pain .

[biguy3113]

Hi Jim, thanks for the reply. I am seeing a counselor in order to deal with the current situation however she is and always has been in denial about needing help. I am just left in awe of her actions and what makes it worse is that I am unable to bring it to an end for 6 weeks due to the counties residential laws where we live since we recently moved. As much as I do want her back I am unable to accept her back in to our life as the bond of trust has been broken.

Jamie

[biggerjim69]

Jamie, You are on the right track. You will recover and go on with your life. Best Regards, Jim

[falcondfw]

Jamie,
I wish I could offer you words of comfort in this terrible time, but I can't. There are no words that will make what you are going through easier.
I was in your position 4 years ago. My wife walked out, taking our 3 sons with her. She said it was for a separation. So we could "find ourselves". And that once we had found ourselves, we would try to repair things and get back together.
I got served the divorce papers a month later.
She never intended any reconciliation. I learned the hard way that once a woman makes a decision, that is her decision and nothing can change it.
On the good side, I had some INCREDIBLE friends who were with me emotionally more than my ex-wife ever was and who helped me over the truly rough spots and made me feel that I was important to them.
My ex-wife was not only my best friend, but she was truly my ONLY friend. That is what made it so difficult.
But I have since found an absolutely AMAZING woman who truly loves me with all her heart and who would do absolutely anything for me. The same way I would for her.
It has been very hard not having my sons around every day, and I miss them terribly, but I do get to see them almost every weekend. As for my ex-wife, after looking back on how I was treated, both before and after the divorce, I realize that I am FAR better off. And I realize that if she had ever truly loved me the way I loved her and the way my fiance loves me, my ex never would have left in the first place.
You WILL get through this and trust me, you WILL find someone better for you.
Counseling can be a big help to you. Even though we both made an agreement when we were married that if either of us were considering divorce, we would BOTH go to counseling, when it came down to the time where the rubber meets the road, I went to counseling and she refused.
In order to deal with the breakup of our marriage, even though SHE was the one who left and SHE was the one who actually filed for divorce, she has to live in a fantasy world imagining that the breakup and divorce were totally my responsibility. Almost always, there is blame enough for both partners, as there was in my case.
Hang in there Jamie, life WILL get better.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Jamie-honey. Right now you concentrate on getting you and the Kids taken care of, first and foremost. Give the wife a little time and space, and continue to work on You. The little ones need you more than ever now, and they need answers that only you can give. So be strong, and continue to step forward.:}
Good luck sugar..
Cat.

[love1234]

Sounds like she has had some kind of break down.

No normal health female just up and leaves her children. Maybe a doctor could help?

Most the meds suck but they can help short time till you can understand how to work out natural remedies.

[curiousnlooking83]

Jamie, it's about you and the kids now. If you're lucky, she will find herself and have a place in her heart for your kids, and at least the respect for you that you deserve as their father.

I married my high school sweetheart. Knew her decades. Had a few WONDERFUL children together. Stayed faithful, disregarding my curiousity of my bi-side. Until one day I found out about all the lies from a woman I trusted with everything.

All the wordly possessions are now gone. The family is transformed. But through it all I formed greater bond with the kids than I had before, and a better understanding of myself.

You've been knocked to the floor with this. But for you, and your kids, I hope you find the inner strength to pick yourself up, dust off, and do what humans do in the aftermath of disaster - evolve, survive, and live again.

Best of luck to you Jamie

[Gearbox]

As sad as it is, I agree with most, that you put aside the Why's and concentrate on you and your children.
Your can't solve your wife's troubles, but you can ease your children's.

Best wishes.

[love1234]

imho no child will ever get over their mom walking away.

This family needs all the help it can get.

I'm not normally one of those people that say counseling, seeing doctors and that kind of stuff.

I feel bad for the children and hope and pray they are not put on mind altering drugs because of the parents.

Parents should be very concerned to what they are doing to their children.

[biguy3113]

Thank you everyone for the replies, it has been a challenging couple of weeks and I know there are more hard times ahead. On top of everything my grandmother passed away and today was the viewing, my wife came and supported me tonight and is coming to support me and the kids tomorrow at the burial and we were great tonight whichis why I am having a hard time believing this is what she wants. She made a comment about not wanting to go back t the camper, where she has been staying so I offered for her to come home, mainly because I needed to be with someone tonight because my grandmother death is deeply affecting me. She did not come home for fear that she would fall back into "us". I am taking that as a sign she isn't being true to herself. Am I being crazy here?

[DuckiesDarling]

This is hard reading, I'm sorry for your family and that a loss of a loved one comes on top of it. I will say the first thing that struck me is the fact she left the kids with you, it seems she knows that for now you have the better chance of being able to properly care for them. What you said about her not being true to herself because she was afraid of falling back into "us", is just the opposite. I think that's her being true to herself. I feel so much sorrow for all of you but yes, please get counseling for both yourself and the kids. Not all marriages last but they don't always have to end acrimoniously, so just breathe deep and try to relax. Take care of the little things for now and the big things will be easier later.

[elian]

I don't know what it is about 7 years, you're not the only one.

When you invest so much of your time and energy into a relationship it can be hard to change, that and people do like the familiar. Your wife may still have feelings for all of you, but doesn't want to fall back into those old patterns because she already knows that next year, and everything leading up to it there will be another argument all over again.

People do argue, it's part of having a relationship but if it's the same issues over and over again that you fight over that draws on everybody's nerves. I hope that you try to keep fighting in front of the children to a minimum.

Best thing you can do now is be there for your children, seek counseling or otherwise communicate with your wife in the most positive (honest, but not cruel) way you can - make sure to use *I* language that doesn't lay blame on anyone. "I miss you, I feel sad..." instead of "You make me feel..."

Hopefully you have someone in your own family who can still provide you some close adult support at this time since your wife seems unable to express herself?

If you do think you might have an issue with excessive drinking, honor the relationship by admitting that to yourself. I grew up in an abusive household where drugs and drink were involved - both my parents informed me that they could quit any time they wanted to but as a small child for years it scared the hell out of me and broke my heart; mostly because they would do it when they were depressed. I could tell they weren't happy and that hurt more than anything else. AA is one program you might use, there are also other less "religion" based programs out there if that bothers you.

The first couple I met were actually high school sweethearts, they were both wonderful, beautiful people and she loved her husband enough to try and let him be happy by dating other men. The thing is I don't think she was ever comfortable with it, she did it because she loved him but she really wanted something different out of a relationship. They did eventually break up, I still think about both of them because they were both very sweet. Since your wife won't tell you what "this" is you can't say what she is unwilling to live with anymore. But I thought I would mention a similar experience in my past, the female half, letting her husband date men just put an awful lot of stress on her when (I believe) she really wanted to get married and raise a family.

If either of you feel hate in your heart, try very hard not to hate or resent each other.. I'm not saying that any of you don't have love for each other..you obviously do, that's what makes it so hard...change is never easy, your life may not look the same but it will get better. <hugs>

[ohbimale]

Both you and your wife need professional help from some who is experienced in family, marriage and sexuality. Based on your description the first thing that run through my mind is

1. drugs,
2. another lover,
3. psychological problems that have developed over time,
4. Issues with in the marriage that have silently built up over time.

The loss of the family home does not help and may have well been the instigator (I hope I spelled that right).

Overall whether the two of you stay together or split you both need professional counseling, because you both have had a lot of stuff to deal with recently.

I wish you both the best.

[Northerner]

Jamie,

I went through a similar breakup, but every relationship is unique so any advice I could offer would probably miss the mark for you.

Focus on caring for the kids, and try to get your ex to do the same. Whether you reconcile or not, the kids are innocent bystanders, and probably love both of their parents no matter what happens.

I'll pass on the words of a friend that were helpful at the time, and proved to be very true: "Nothing I can say to you will make what you are going through hurt less, but I can assure you that life will get better. It just takes time."