Regrets.

[dseven]

Well, today I woke up feeling kinda gloomy, I cried a little bit before I woke up. I was feeling okay bout myself, but last weekend, it didn't go as well as I expected, I had a date with I girl I was really looking forward to see on friday, she stood me up, she said that she thought that we didn't agree and she kinda forgot or something, she seems a bit careless, I don't think that she did it on purpose, but still it hurt.

On saturday I was going to meet another girl I'm starting to like, we made out a couple of weeks ago at a party and we've been talking since then, and I was supposed to meet her again at another party, but she got the flu or something and she couldn't come.

On sunday, a friend of mine was going to take us to a place that was supposed to be tons of fun, but we ended up not having such a good time.

On monday I woke up early to go do parkour with a friend, I kinda injured my back and my foot and then I met a bi guy that just seemed miles ahead of me in his acceptance. I mean, the guy is two years younger than me, he's been out for a few years now, he has had a few girlfriends, he has had one now for a year, but he also had his experiences with guys, that just shooked me.

For starters, it made me realize how unlucky I am, becouse I went to a high-school that wasn't really lgtb friendly, it was a christian high-school and I was bullied (not becouse of my sexuality since I never told anyone), but I felt unwelcomed and I couldn't really develop, I became this resentful individual that wants to go all bowling for collumbine on those assholes. His high-schoool had even a minority department. And I feel like I don't really fit on my college, and I wanna go and study something else, but I also don't wanna throw away all the hard work I've done so far...

Can you please help me? I wanna stop thinking about the past and concentrate more about my present and my future, I wanna leave all those bad memories behind and start growing as a person.

Thanks a lot.
Hugs
Dseven.

[lizard-lix]

Dseven,

A long time ago, a girl I met told me about the awful ending of her relationship with her BF.. Then she shrugged and said 'The best revenge is living well.'

She was right, even if revenge is a bit strong..

Sorry that you have gone through all of the difficult times, but the only way for it to get better and for you to reach happiness is to take the lessons that you learned form those experiences and move on. Tough as it will be to take those first steps..

Learn form the guy who is ahead of you, don't feel bad about it, take it as a sign that it can work out well...

To use the old cliche, see the glass as half full (and hopefully getting even fuller), instead of half empty (and draining).

Good luck and many hugs!

Liz

[Realist]

I agree with Liz, I used to carry my hurts for a long time and should have learned from them, then changed my behavior. But it took me a long time to learn to leave the past and just move on.

I don't know how old you are, but it's even harder when you're young and so full of new desires and emotions.

If the way you've lived your life up to now hasn't worked out for you, maybe a change is in order.

Find people who are successful in relationships and love and see if you can learn from them. Don't hang around anyone who will be a bad influence.

If you know what you want, don't settle for less, just to fit in.

Those who live only to please others will never be happy.

There's a lot of really smart people, here, who may be able to advise you better than me, but I feel your pain.

Post questions, read old forum entries, and don't give up!

Good luck to you, Amigo.

[dseven]

I'm 20, yeah, young, and full of emotions, but somehow I feel like I should be somewhere I'm not, I should've already had a few girlfriends, I should be happy and not depressed, I'm a good looking guy, who's just a bit afraid of life, I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna have mood swings, at least not this much. I mean, I feel like I'm going each week from a 7, 7 and half to a 4. In a 1 to 10 scale where 10 means euphoric and 1 means suicidal.

I guess I'll just have to keep on living, meeting new people, and doing everything I can.

[csrakate]

dseven...I urge you to seek out your college's counseling department. What you are feeling is overwhelming you and it would be in your best interest to find a professional to help you sort out your feelings!


Best of luck to you...and please don't ignore these very real feelings. Get some help....It's there for you to use!

[dseven]

I don't have any sort of profesional help available, I just need to get by until I can finally get bi...
When I understand and accept myself, I'll be much happier, but first I need to have a serious relationship with a girl, don't ask my why, but I just need it, I have a few prospects out there, but it'll be a while...

[rigamatorboy]

man go see a doctor and he will help you, with meds, counciling, all kids of stufff, saying that you want to all columbine or w/e is pretty scary to hear :yikes2:

[LastGent]

dseven, don't push yourself to get into a relationship with anyone. Even with online dating sites, finding a partner in a couple of days just doesn't happen with humans. You sound like you're all alone in the world. Just look for a buddy, a pal, for now, not a mate. Hang out with other bisexuals like you're doing here.

[elian]

You are reaching out for help, and we are listening - that is the difference between you and those columbine kids - keep talking to us, keep talking to other people around you and if you are really hurting you can even try a crisis hotline. http://www.thetrevorproject.org Talk, draw, write in a journal, go see some inspirational artwork or a flower garden, play music if you can, to get those feelings out. Some things once said or done, cannot be undone so choose carefully - and know no matter what you are loved - there is always somewhere you can turn to.

I came from a divorced family and I was an angry teenager growing up. No matter what I did or said it never seemed to be good enough. I soon learned to be motivated primarily by anger and spite. I always figured that I would be the best I could be, turn around and like a five year old say to my parents - "Look what I can do!" and they'd finally HAVE to share in the affection that I always wanted to give and get from them.

Then, my dad passed away, I lost one of the parents - I soon learned that life is too short to be motivated by anger and spite. Those feelings can blind you if you are not careful, you should celebrate the lives of the people you cherish TODAY because they may not be here TOMORROW. So many of my friends who I just wanted so much to hug, but didn't because I was bi and I thought they were straight and wouldn't like it.. I guess it sounds weird now but some of them passed away and I won't have a chance to do that..they were feeling like you are now..I wonder if I would've just swallowed my male pride and given them a hug if it would've made a difference?

When you put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable it is scary, sometimes it is disappointing but it will get better. Don't resent your 20 year old bi friend, and don't resent yourself either - you both are different people, with different backgrounds, different experiences - and you will both grow in your own way, space and time. You are both worthy of just as much love and respect as any other part of creation.

Although I also didn't advertise as gay in high school kids knew I was different and they picked on me quite a lot. What I found out after high school, was that EVERYBODY had crap to go through and the kids that picked on me went home to drunk abusive parents - picking on me wasn't right, but it was the only way they felt they had any power in their own lives. Even though I still struggle with self esteem issues I'll forgive them for that.

I'm not sure that any of my sexual experiences were what I envisioned as "perfect" but I don't regret the experiences and I don't regret the few partners I've had. To really love and care for someone is still a great gift in this life, although it can be painful at times.

Nature blends both the good and the bad, there will always be disappointments but forgive your friends and love yourself - they didn't intentionally try to mislead you, things just didn't work out. Anymore I try to go on dates and just be in the present and enjoy people's company when I can. With no preconceived notions of how things "ought" to be then it's hard to be disappointed if the circumstances aren't what you expected..but there is still good in spending time with a friend.

Sounds like you could use some healing <hugs> - life has just been so crazy lately but it will definitely get better honey - you may feel lonely, but there's always someone, somewhere who loves you.

At 18 I was scared out of my mind about my feelings and my future, more confident at 20, but if I knew now, what I thought I knew at 20, 25, 30... If you are like me you'll have plenty of growing left to do..that's perfectly natural so don't feel you have to rush it.

[dseven]

Hey guys, relax, I don't really mean that bowling for collumbine thing, I won't go killing anyone, they suck, and they will be punished by life, I don't see them anymore, but the memories still haunt me, I have new friends, new activities, new life, but it still haunts me when I'm not very well.

The important thing is that I really need a way to let go my past and concentrate more on my present and my future, I need to live each second of my life to the full but I can't if I'm having mood swings, I need to feel loved and feel the companionship of a partner, I need the endorphins of a kiss or just plain sex, I need to talk about nothing and stare at each other and hugh, and be together as one, that's all, but life is making it a bit hard for me, I know I'm better than before, at least I have some "prospects" but the truth is that the uncertainity about everything is killing me. I'm now trying to go out with three girls, two of them I met them a few weeks ago, one on a friday and the other one the day after that. We made out and had very nice moments, and I kept talking with both of them.

The problem is that one of them is just crazy, I mean, she's just bananas, we don't understand each other one bit, a friend of mine told me "you could just have sex with her and be done", but I don't think that's okay, I think the girl really likes me, but again, I don't think we'll be happy as a couple. The second one, well we've been chatting (online) since we met, but due to busy schedules, we couldn't meet yet, she also seems to like me, but I wanna meet her again, and I'm just so damn impatient...
It's also important to note that even though they are both straight, they know I'm bi and they don't care about it.

The third one, well, she is a friend of a friend, really nice girl, and we've been talking and I'm trying to get enough confidence to ask her out without being rejected... But it's hard...

I hate online chat, it sucks, you can't really meet people, and everything is "casual" I hate casual things, they are always so soft and without life.

Now, I also have a male "project", he's a friend of a friend, but the truth is that he's gay and I'm bi and I don't even know if I'm fully bi, I mean, to be able to have an emotional connection with a guy, rather than just a sexual connection. There's nothing wrong with that, but I don't wanna hurt this guy...

Yeah, I know, four people, what the heck am I complaining about, but it's really not as good or as easy as it sounds.
Plus, I need to stop worrying so much about what other people might think about me.

Fuck, well, this is it, any advice will be well recieved.
Thanks guys...
Hugs
Dseven.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Dseven, holding on to the past is letting everyone who hurt you Win. What give Anyone that damn much power?? First of All, go seek out some serious professional help. I know it was just emotions talking, but deprerssion is dangerous and needs to be dealt with NOW before you can even Consider a relationship with anyone.....
Good Luck Hon.
Cat

[elian]

I also hate the feeling of being controlled by hormones. I think most people feel the same way you do when dating but most things that are good and worth having in life are never easy.

I think I want what you want out of a partner. There are others who are just interested in being friends, others who are just interested in being friends with benefits, others who are only really interested in the benefits.. It will happen, you seem to be doing a decent job trying to sort it all out. Go one day at a time, the times I've always gotten into trouble are when I tried to fit 26 hours into a 24 hour day..

[LastGent]

You definitely need to watch your mood swings, dseven; if you flip out around your friends that can make them not want to be with you. "Fully bi" does not equal having an emotional plus sexual relationship with a man. That is a stereotype. I'm sexually attracted to people I don't love; it's different with each person in each relationship. With the man you're trying to court, please be transparently honest that you may not be able to love him, but you may still be able to have great sex. Don't force the romance. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I'm worried that you're trying to push yourself into having an intimate relationship. You're dating four people? The stress of trying to keep this going may be what's getting to you, in part. Have you asked yourself WHY you need to be with so many women at once?
Regarding your haunted past: my past is a similar horror. You must seek peace. Like a Buddhist monk you must let go of all your emotions about your past. Whenever you remember a bad thing, forgive the person who harmed you. Do it a hundred times a day, if you remember that often. Another thing that has helped me is admitting that what was done to me was wrong, unjustifiable, plain and simple, that I never, and shall never, deserve to be treated in such a manner. Think about ways to handle future bad situations-if it's something someone said to you, that may be said again by your friends, come up with a good comeback line-a witty remark, perhaps. You don't have to get angry. Always remember that you are absolutely right about the matter. Living in the moment is of the utmost importance-remembering to live at all, in fact, which I still have troubles doing some days. And sometimes, you must simply suppress thinking about bad things from your past, and bad things that may happen in the future. It sounds bad, but for me, forgiveness was not enough, what was done to me...what you think about is a choice, and I deliberately chose to stop thinking about bad things and live in between moments. I'm very absent minded as a result, and I have a mental breakdown every four months, but it's only four times a year instead of every day of my life, and I am finally happy.

[dseven]

I'm dating the girls because I want to find a girl with whom I can have a serious relationship, a girlfriend, and I'm dating the guy because I would like to have sex with him, I don't really know him, I just know I like him. But if for some reason I discover that I like him as a person, well then, we'll see.

And you know, that thing about forgiving the people who wronged you, I actually tried it with another group that bullied me to a lesser extent, and it helped, I forgave them and they stop being a problem. But I can't forgive the other group of people, they just don't deserve it, I feel like I have to feel better with myself, and then forgive them and go on with my life.

[elian]

A wise person once told me two things..

1) Pain comes out as anger

and

2) Forgiveness is ultimately for yourself, not the person who wronged you - those other people may not even realize they hurt you.

It's your business to choose what you will forgive. I saw your response in the other thread and it sounds sane and logical to me. I think you will do fine my friend - maybe you just need a little encouragement. :)

[dseven]

What I need, is party, endorphins, sex, fun, friendship and comradery. Singing pirate songs with a mug of beer in my hand XD... (Sorry, listening to Alestorm got my right eye covered with a patch).
But, I'll have it soon enough, so not to worry, I just hope that I can keep my mood elevated and I don't go back to my previous (and hopefully left behind) state of depression.

Thanks for your kind words, and I think I'll do fine, for the first time in years, I feel different, happy with myself, confident and to be honest a bit narcisistic (I discovered that I like watching myself in the mirror quite a lot XD). But well, I still have a long way to go, but eventually I'll be able to say :bipride: and everything will be just fine, for once and for all.

Hugs
Dseven.

[csrakate]

And you know, that thing about forgiving the people who wronged you, I actually tried it with another group that bullied me to a lesser extent, and it helped, I forgave them and they stop being a problem. But I can't forgive the other group of people, they just don't deserve it, I feel like I have to feel better with myself, and then forgive them and go on with my life.

You know, the longer you hold those resentments, the longer those people have control of your life. Do you really want that??? Let those resentments go....move on....You will never feel better about yourself until you do it.....

It's a new day....Start with a fresh attitude that today will be different. And I know you say you don't need counseling....but I beg to differ. EVERYONE needs it.....What's not to love about having someone listen to you with an open and non-judgmental mind???? It is very liberating.

BUT...it does sound like you're coming out of some of your funk....keep working....keep living....keep seeing each day as a new beginning.

[elian]

What I need, is party, endorphins, sex, fun, friendship and comradery. Singing pirate songs with a mug of beer in my hand XD... (Sorry, listening to Alestorm got my right eye covered with a patch).
But, I'll have it soon enough, so not to worry, I just hope that I can keep my mood elevated and I don't go back to my previous (and hopefully left behind) state of depression.

Thanks for your kind words, and I think I'll do fine, for the first time in years, I feel different, happy with myself, confident and to be honest a bit narcisistic (I discovered that I like watching myself in the mirror quite a lot XD). But well, I still have a long way to go, but eventually I'll be able to say :bipride: and everything will be just fine, for once and for all.

Hugs
Dseven.

I'm glad you are feeling better. People naturally go through cyclical periods of feeling adventurous/elated as well as unsure/depressed. Try to keep a positive and balanced outlook, even when you are feeling low and maybe when you do go through those low periods it won't feel quite so bad.

The Dali Lama once said that when someone cut him off in traffic he didn't get angry at the situation, but instead expressed thankfulness to the universe for giving him the opportunity to learn patience. I can't say that I would always be that wise or graceful but the more positive thoughts you can crowd in there the better your outlook will be when things seem poor.

Anyway.. <hugs>