A talk with a gay guy got me really confused.

[dseven]

So, Hi, my name is Alex, and I discovered that I liked guys like seven years ago (I'm 20 now). Up to that moment I always liked girls, I had a very strong libido and well masturbated to everything I could XD...
So now I'm 20 and I am in the process of accepting myself as a bisexual, I'm okay with the idea, I'm comfortable with it, and I could live on with that sexual identity.

I never felt emotionally attached to a guy, even though I know that I probably could, and I feel really emotionally attached to girls, I mean, crying about girls that don't like me, or when a girl instead of coming clean and telling me she's not interested she starts doing stupid things hoping that "I would find out by myself" it really hurts me.

Now, I've only had 1 lousy sexual experience with a girl, I was pretty nervous and it just was really difficult for me, the moment wasn't the right one and it kinda sucked. I didn't use to have a lot of luck with girls, but when I make out at a party with a girl I feel really aroused and I wanna fuck her so hard and bite her neck and feel the roughness of animalistic sex. (Yeah, that got me a bit turned on XD).
With guys, well I kissed a few and I gave two of them a blowjob, didn't really liked it, but perhaps they just weren't really what I was looking for. They were let's say, too gay for my taste, I like masculine guys.

Now, the "problem" if you will, is that I get more turned on by guys than by girls, I mean, when I see a hot guy, I just wanna rip his clothes off, lick his chest and, well use your imagination. When I see a girl, I don't instantly think about sex, I wanna be with her, get to know her, and yeah, have also really nice uninhibited sex with her, but then also cuddle, watch a sunrise together and all that cheesy stuff that I love XD. And also my sexual fantasies are mostly about guys, but when I make out with a girl at a party, the fantasy changes and it's about girls for a few nights.

The main problem, is that the other day I was talking to a gay guy (a really gay guy) and he started saying that what I described before is an indication that I'm really a gay guy lying about it and that he never knew a bisexual guy that stayed that way.
Now, normally I would say "you're wrong" and move on, but he got me thinking, he knows a lot more lgtb people than I do and whatever. I mean, I don't feel like a gay guy, I would miss the girls, they give me something that a guy can't offer, but he kinda screwed with my head and he threw me back in my acceptance process.

Well, just wanted to know what you think and if you could please tell me what all of this means cos you probably might see that I'm pretty confused about all of this.

Thanks a lot
Hugs.
Dseven.

[Jobelorocks]

Okay, first off many people who are gay have this reaction to bisexual people. Many people who are gay or straight just don't get the concept of being attracted to both, or the fact you can have certain types of attractions. If you really are attracted to women romantically and somewhat physically and attracted to males means you are bi. (bi simply just means you are attracted to both genders)If you have attractions to both sexes you are not gay and you are not straight. The label isn't so important as being with who you want to be with sexually and emotionally. Do not let anyone tell you what you are, only you can decide or know what your sexual and romantic attractions are.

[Realist]

I agree with Jobel, no one else can define you......you know your own thoughts and desires. Maybe if you'd know this fellow and had shared every intimate thought you'd had from birth, maybe...just maybe...he would know the REAL you.

Many gay folks, as Jobel said, feel that we're really gay but in denial. I've heard this many times.

I think what you may be experiencing is, a pendulum that many of us cope with. I have this "pendulum syndrome" (not a scientific term...I just made it up) as does my GF.

Few of us are ever constant in the degree of attractions we feel for both genders. Within each of us, there are different degrees of emotional and sexual attractions, too.

I am relationship-prone; I enjoy LTRs and companionship, others may just want the sex and nothing more.

Anyway, don't allow anyone else to define you....you can do that without their "help"!

Oh, and welcome to the site! Hope you can find some answers and maybe a friend, or two!

[dseven]

@Joberlocks: I hope I can meet someday a girl that understands and accepts me as you do. That's a big problem with girls, they are so insecure that I'm gonna cheat on them with a guy, that they forget that I don't like cheating, not with a girl not with a guy.

@Realist: You know, I've also heard that a lot of times, but never from a bisexual person. You know, I feel sometimes kinda bullied by gay guys in chats or whatever, they forget that there's a "B" at the end of LGTB.

Well, thank you for your kind words, tomorrow I've got a date with this beautiful lovely girl, and she doesn't seem to care that I'm bi, so let's hope that everything works out fine.

Hugs!
Dseven.

[elian]

Prejudice knows no bounds. Just like straight people don't really understand what it means to be gay, I'm not sure gay people understand what it's like to bisexual. A lot of them will try to tell you that it's a "phase" just like straight parents in denial may think that their child is "going through a phase".

Of course if you have limited experience you might not really know what you want yet.

What you are describing is part of being bisexual, it was very confusing for me to like guys, and occasionally the right type of woman walks into the room and I like her too. I've always found it to be a lot more confusing than just "doubling your chances for a date" because if you value romance you are looking for more than just getting off.

I don't know, I was equally "entertained" <pant, pant> by your description of what you would do with women vs. men. (e.g. biting vs. ripping off clothes and licking)...sounds like a nice fantasy to me - of course I grew up with vampire fantasies long before they became "popular" - and I swear I had the strangest dream of being made love to doggie style, only to turn around and see my partner had long, white, pointed furry ears.. <no comment, grins>

[dseven]

I love vampires, I play vampire: dark ages (role playing game) every weekend...

[hgf33]

I hate to break it to ya, Alex, but... You're a perfectly normal bisexual!! :bigrin: LOL!!

Your friend either doesn't understand, or he's jealous. Either way, you know in your heart who you truly are, and you don't need experience to know it. I am a lot like you. I prefer men, and I'm extremely attracted to them, but something about women drives my libido seriously crazy! Realist said "Pendulum Syndrome"... I love that! I have it, too. I'm always crazy about my boyfriend, of course, but some days I just can't stop thinking about sex with women! This has come up a lot in these threads, and a lot of us are like this! So don't worry about what your gay friend thinks, or anyone else, for that matter. Stick with what you know and how you truly feel. Don't let anyone make you question who you are. You're definitely bisexual! Enjoy it! :)

Best wishes with everything! You seem very positive, strong, and confident. I think you'll do alright! ;)

[Long Duck Dong]

when I was doing counselling and therapy, we used to refer to the gay peoples opinions about bis as the " security blanket syndrome " a unofficial term

basically gay ( and to a lesser extent, hetero ) people like being secure in their sexuality, they know their likes and dislikes and within that they develop a secure and stable persona.... bisexuals " threaten " that security, cos bisexuals are fluid people, their sexual likes and dislikes can shift..... and its seen by some as being "friends with the enemy "

its a bit like the " us v's them " type of thinking..... and its similar to the " lgbt v's the heteros " type thinking that you can see at times in the forum.

blurring the lines is something that a lot of people have issues with, the same as people that walk the middle ground or support both sides in arguments.... and bisexuals tend to do that on the sexuality scale... some of us will shift to one side or the other at times, others remain in the middle.....

so if you want to think outside of the square when dealing with gays and heteros that are rejecting the idea that gays can exist, look at the other aspects of their lives as well, and you will see a pattern emerge... a need for stability and security in their lives and often you will see a confrontational streak there too......

with some people, opposing bisexuals is a way of supporting their own dislikes with people of other sexualities, or aspects of sex with other genders, that they do not like or feel appealing..... so they develop a " anti " sexuality opinion... and reject any idea that bisexuality can be a real aspect of people

[hgf33]

Simply put, people tend to dislike what they don't understand.

LDD I always appreciate your intellect. You manage to say what I'm thinking in a very reliable way. You've also made me realize something, when you were talking about patterns... Not only is my sexuality "both ways", but I am also one who tends to play devil's advocate and see all points of view. Basically, with the exception of being ambidextrous (my bf got that ability, the lucky bastard, lol) I do almost everything both ways! :bigrin:

[dseven]

Everyone, thanks a lot for you kind words, I'm feeling a lot better now, I'm actually starting to feel the pride growing inside me, of course I'll be catious, only a few of my friends now that I'm bi, but, I'm okay with it...:flag1:

Thank you all!
Hugs
Dseven.

[Spatula]

Next time a gay guy tells you you're just in denial, just start talking about cunnilingus. That seems to shut them up.

To counter your friend's anecdote, I have one of my own: I have never met a man who thought he was straight when he first developed an interest in sex who ended up identifying as exclusively homosexual later on. I've met bisexual guys who originally thought they were straight that did end up leaning gay to some extent, but they still identified as bi or queer, and they clearly had a different attraction pattern than say, a kinsey 6.

Sounds like you're 50-50, but gay relationships are more exciting right now because they're a bit naughtier and frankly, they're less work to get into. That is another thing. When your attraction is centered near 50-50, and you're male, I suspect it's very easy to end up with a history that looks more like 80-20, just because of how much easier gay guys are to pick up than women.

[void()]

Ruff Ruff

[slipnslide]

Gay guys get sad when I tell them I used to be into guys but not so much anymore. Doesn't stop them from texting me hoping that I've changed.

[bityme]

So now I'm 20 and I am in the process of accepting myself as a bisexual, I'm okay with the idea, I'm comfortable with it, and I could live on with that sexual identity.

I never felt emotionally attached to a guy, even though I know that I probably could, and I feel really emotionally attached to girls, I mean, crying about girls that don't like me, or when a girl instead of coming clean and telling me she's not interested she starts doing stupid things hoping that "I would find out by myself" it really hurts me.

. . .with a girl I feel really aroused and I wanna fuck her so hard and bite her neck and feel the roughness of animalistic sex. (Yeah, that got me a bit turned on XD).
With guys, well I kissed a few and I gave two of them a blowjob, didn't really liked it, but perhaps they just weren't really what I was looking for. They were let's say, too gay for my taste, I like masculine guys.

Now, the "problem" if you will, is that I get more turned on by guys than by girls, I mean, when I see a hot guy, I just wanna rip his clothes off, lick his chest and, well use your imagination. When I see a girl, I don't instantly think about sex, I wanna be with her, get to know her, and yeah, have also really nice uninhibited sex with her, but then also cuddle, watch a sunrise together and all that cheesy stuff that I love XD.

The main problem, is that the other day I was talking to a gay guy (a really gay guy) and he started saying that what I described before is an indication that I'm really a gay guy lying about it and that he never knew a bisexual guy that stayed that way.

You are young, still experimenting, and you can anticipate changes in your attitudes and desires in the coming years, man of which will depend upon your actual experiences.

There is a wide range of sexual orientations. If we look at them referring to the commonly used Kinsey scale, the label HLGBT would look more like:
LGT BT BT BT BT BT HT
0 1 2 3 4 5 6

With lesbians, gays and heterosexuals, there is no variance in gender no orientation, no desire for change, which I believe accounts for a lot of misunderstanding. Its hard to understand that which is not part of or rejected by your character.

While most discussion of transgender people is in the context of physical change, my experience is that their sexual orientation runs the full spectrum. Whether pre- or post-operative, some are attracted to only one gender and others to both.

With bisexuals, the gender remains constant, but the ratio of attraction to the same or opposite gender varies not only in terms of physical attraction, but also in terms of emotional or romantic attraction. You have acknowledged some experience with these variations as demonstrated by your different feelings about who you prefer to have "uninhibited sex" with and with whom you would want to "cuddle, watch a sunrise together and all that cheesy stuff." Additionally, many bisexuals experience what Realist described as the "Pendulum Syndrome" (Yes, hgfee, I agree its a great term!) exhibiting fluidity in their placement on the scale.

Having been bisexual for over 40 years, on the physical side I am equally attracted to and enjoy having "uninhibited sex" with both men and women. Emotionally or romantically, I am only attracted to women and, since my first wife and I jointly discovering our bisexuality, the development of a "love interest" only extends to bisexual women. So my "love interest" accounts for my two long-term marriages and having the majority of my physical experiences with women.

Obviously, my personal experiences are representative of only a minute portion of the unbelievably wide spectrum encompassing "bisexuality." I think that the only accurate description of bisexuality that can be made is that "Bisexuality always includes some form of attraction to both genders and 'may' include any level of physical or emotional involvement or sexual practices." or something to that effect.

I have yet to meet anyone who has not experienced confusion upon discovering their bisexuality regardless of their age at the time of discovery. It is my belief that any form of emotional or sexual conduct between consenting adults is "normal" regardless of whether or not some may find different expressions of their attraction as undesirable (Not everyone is into BDSM, WS, etc.).

Part of your lack of satisfying sexual experiences with both genders may be the confusion you are experiencing. That also is understandable. As you become more comfortable with your own attractions, you will gain more experience and the level of satisfaction will improve.

For the present, just enjoy having social and sexual interaction to the extent that you feel comfortable. Don't bother trying to find the "perfect match" when you are still unsure of what you like. You don't know what you like until you have tried it. Resist the temptation to form exclusive attachments until you are sure of yourself. As you gain in age, maturity, and experience, you will, no doubt, encounter changes in your desires, needs, and fantasies which could significantly impact your choices about permanency of your relationships.

You develop open and honest communication with any partner or prospective partner. Many of the threads in this forum discuss the importance of this practice. If you cannot discuss your needs and inner desires with someone, it substantially increases the difficulty in integrating your lives.

Enjoy the journey!

Pappy

[12voltman59]

Don't listen to that bullshit that your gay buddy spun ya about "you are really gay----there is no such thing as bisexuality (at least for men)---just admit that you are gay and get over it" or however it was that he he put it to you.

While many gay males are accepting of bisexual guys--many are not and they have many reasons for holding to the dictates of gay culture that bisexuality--at least for males doesn't really exist.

Most of that reason has to do with the "politics" of the gay culture---don't buy that crap and just be yourself---and let things develop for you as they may---you don't need to rush things necessarily either---you are young and do have plenty of time--that is such a "an old fart" thing to say I know--but I guess I am hitting that old fart stage of life!! :bigrin: :bigrin:

Just be yourself---discover yourself and enjoy the journey and don't let the narrow, confining dictates of society define you, as hard as that may seem to be at this point in your life--one nice thing about being an old fart--you don't accept the bullshit dictates of society as much as you once did and you really don't give a shit about them anymore---other than the fact those dictates are so stupid, narrow and confining and that we really need to "bust a cap in those suckas" and put an end to the misery those lame ass dictates cause for most of us!!!!

[Papelucho]

It's important to remember that many gay men have had experiences with women, and some of them have been married to women. Usually, those are the stories that they hear from their gay friends, so they just assume that's how it is. Like everybody else said, nobody knows yourself like you, and no one can tell you how you are. Listen to your bi friends! ;)

For me, whenever I start thinking that I'm more gay, I go with it, and then usually some woman comes along and blows my mind, reminding me I'm bi.