coming out to wife as bi

[trentino]

hello, I'm struggling with how to present my bisexuality to my wife. I would love to eventually share this aspect of me and all the good things that go with it. I had previously denied any same-sex experience, but during pillow talk the other night, my wife mentioned that she "wouldn't mind at all" if I were bi. (I tried showing her some "feminist porn", which she did not like. Further along she asked me if I liked looking at dicks, and I replied in the affirmative)

I would love to hear from anyone who's been in this dilemma, including the partner receiving the big news. Any advice or tips, opinions or much appreciated. Thank you !

[dragoneon]

Tell her. Maybe get a bottle of wine and sit and talk. It is the most liberating thing in the world. Also, why keep something so huge, that's such a big part of you, hidden from the one you love?

She sounds very ok with it.

When I came out to my wife it was the most fantastic thing in the world, and has made my marriage stronger and better than ever (not to mention my sex life).

Just think of it as a wonderful secret - and what's better than having a wonderful secret?

Sharing it, of course!

[trentino]

thanks Dragoneon - great advice !

[Realist]

From your brief explanation of events, I believe your wife will accept your bisexuality and even may enjoy sharing that part of your life. I hope I'm right.

If I were you, I wouldn't press the issue. Take it slow and easy, while the reality soaks in for her. Instill in her that she is the love and desire of your life and that you will consider her in all things, before action. This will only work, if you have her acceptance, if not her willingness to join you!

The old cliche`that states "Good things come to those who wait" may be appropriate, here.

I have this kind of relationship, finally, after so many wrong turns in my life. I hope you are smarter and have a loving and understanding partner, who will allow you to explore...and maybe participate, too!

Good luck!

[trentino]

Thank you Realist ! I hope that you're right !

[hydropop]

Trent , speaking from the same experience I too had the same issue. I have a wonderful wife of 23 years, who is an open minded person. I too struggled on how to tell my wife. But I didnt have this site to go to for any advice. But I did have the years of being with and knowning my wife and how I felt she might respond. After running it through my mind and thinking how she might react, one night I told her. And to my supprise she was ok with it and told me that I should explore. But I did tell her I wanted her to be there which she has been a cpl times. Only thing she told me was not to over do it. LOL Guess she didnt want me to enjoy it to much . Which I have not done with but a few close friends. I wish you luck , you know your wife better than anyone here. Go with your guy.

[justrex]

I'd always had the yearnings in my soul and rejected them for many many years. Finally they have become so intense that i had to tell somebody if nothing else than to get it off of my chest. I couldn't tell my friends at work (oh no!) and can't afford a therapist, so I told my wife of 23+ years. Being bi herself she had absolutely no problem with my revelation and said that she suspected that for quite some time. From the sound of things yours wouldn't be all that shocked either. Just tell her.

[bisocialnudist]

Best thing I ever did was to come out as bi to my wife. In my case the first few years were not as easy as they might have been but now we are all used to life with a bisexual husband. It simply feels good being able to be me without having to hide this important part of who I am and our marriage is better then ever.

It sounds like your wife might be accepting, good luck, Mark

[cplpleaser]

It's so weird....I had intended to post a similar question today. My situation is diiferent as my wife of ten years is not open minded. She is almost asexual, I have to initiate all sexual play and she participates minimally. Her idea of a sexual fantasy is me kissing her on the beach...and that's where the fantasy ends. I've tried talking to her about our sex life and the conversation goes no where. In light of that I can't imagine how to approach the topic of my bisexuality. I love her very much and we have fun together except in bed. Any advice?

[dragoneon]

It's so weird....I had intended to post a similar question today. My situation is diiferent as my wife of ten years is not open minded. She is almost asexual, I have to initiate all sexual play and she participates minimally. Her idea of a sexual fantasy is me kissing her on the beach...and that's where the fantasy ends. I've tried talking to her about our sex life and the conversation goes no where. In light of that I can't imagine how to approach the topic of my bisexuality. I love her very much and we have fun together except in bed. Any advice?

I'm not a therapist, but I would suggest that you move very slowly and address your intimacy concerns within your marriage first. All people have a right to sexual intimacy within their marriage. Getting that aspect situated first will tell you where to go from there. If she is completely unresponsive/unwilling to accommodate you within the marriage, I would suggest counselling. If that fails you're going to come to a hard decision on whether you believe you can be in a non intimate marriage.

I do know a few people who have been in sexless relationships and have flat out asked their spouse if it was ok for them to seek outside fulfillment. Sometimes it does work. Only you know your marriage well enough to know if that bird will fly.

In my opinion, both partners, regardless of orientation should be willing to be intimate with their partner, regardless of disinterest in sex. It's unfair and selfish to expect otherwise. I'm not saying anyone has the right to sex at the drop off a hat, but a willingness to engage in intimacy for the sake of your partner should always be on the table.

All of that needs to be taken care of before you even think about coming out to your wife.

[bikiniman]

It sounds like you wife is quite open minded, so thats a good start.

But I would suggest that saying that "I wouldn't mind if you were bi" is not the same as saying I don't mind if you have sex with men. So take it slow and easy.

You imply that you have had a same sex experience which you have denied. This being the case you should come clean. She might be more upset about this previous denial than the fact the you are bi.

I am still in the process of coming out to my wife. I have never stated that I am "bi" but I have told her that I regularly fantasize about having sex with men and masturbate to gay porn. She was not overjoyed and it has been very difficult.

As dragoneon has suggested, I am trying to to address the intimacy issues in my marriage before revealing more about my bisexual desires.

[trentino]

Trent , speaking from the same experience I too had the same issue. I have a wonderful wife of 23 years, who is an open minded person. I too struggled on how to tell my wife. But I didnt have this site to go to for any advice. But I did have the years of being with and knowning my wife and how I felt she might respond. After running it through my mind and thinking how she might react, one night I told her. And to my supprise she was ok with it and told me that I should explore. But I did tell her I wanted her to be there which she has been a cpl times. Only thing she told me was not to over do it. LOL Guess she didnt want me to enjoy it to much . Which I have not done with but a few close friends. I wish you luck , you know your wife better than anyone here. Go with your guy.

Thanks Hydropop, great story

[trentino]

I'd always had the yearnings in my soul and rejected them for many many years. Finally they have become so intense that i had to tell somebody if nothing else than to get it off of my chest. I couldn't tell my friends at work (oh no!) and can't afford a therapist, so I told my wife of 23+ years. Being bi herself she had absolutely no problem with my revelation and said that she suspected that for quite some time. From the sound of things yours wouldn't be all that shocked either. Just tell her.

Thanks Justrex. My wife is not bi, though

[trentino]

I'd always had the yearnings in my soul and rejected them for many many years. Finally they have become so intense that i had to tell somebody if nothing else than to get it off of my chest. I couldn't tell my friends at work (oh no!) and can't afford a therapist, so I told my wife of 23+ years. Being bi herself she had absolutely no problem with my revelation and said that she suspected that for quite some time. From the sound of things yours wouldn't be all that shocked either. Just tell her.


Best thing I ever did was to come out as bi to my wife. In my case the first few years were not as easy as they might have been but now we are all used to life with a bisexual husband. It simply feels good being able to be me without having to hide this important part of who I am and our marriage is better then ever.

It sounds like your wife might be accepting, good luck, Mark

Thanks Mark, encouraging

[trentino]

Well, I wanted to thank everyone for their encouragement and support, but as you can see by my newbie boner moves, I'm just making a mess of the thread. So, thanks;

dragoneon
Realist
hydropop
justrex
creativebi
cplpleaser
bikiniman

Big News. I FINALLY came out to my wife last nite, and I have all of you to thank for it. Much gratitude to all !

[hydropop]

Trent , I have to say you probably have one of the best post. You ask a question and we all tried to help. And when we did , you replied. Thats awsomeand how one should go about doing a post. I hope by comming out to your wife it made your relationship stronger and created more trust between you two. Good luck in you new found strength. :-):):)

In my last post to you , I ment go with your gut , not guy sorry

[trentino]

hahah, yeah, when I read that, I had to chuckle, "go with your guy" - Indeed ! Seriously, much thanks to you and the others for all of the kind encouragement - I'll let you know how things develop. We have to take it slow - who knows.

[forthwith]

I have been there.. Came out to the wife after 7 years of marraige. Years ago i had told her that i was bi, and had messed around with a few people in college, but apparently me telling her the names of my boyfriends ( 3 in 10 years, none of which during the time i have been married. ) drove the point home. I thought that me telling her was a sign that i trusted her more than anyone else, but her point of view was that during our years of marraige i never trusted her, and overnight after hearing 3 names i became a stranger to my best friend. We are cool now, but it was really strange for a bit.. So tell her now and not later.

[nwmscurious]

I was involuntarily outed to my wife after 25 years of marriage. Although the first months were traumatic, it was such a relief that I wish that I would have come out to her sooner. Good luck.

Bob

[Yoyome100]

Trentino, good to hear all went well. It truly sounded like it would from your first post. Wish you both well!

[trentino]

Thank you forthwith, nwmscurious and Yoyome100. Thank you for sharing your experiences and support :)