Late coming out for bisexual women

[JP1986UM]

I've been here since about the week I came out to my wife a few years back. I always knew I was bisexual because my first lover was another male which went on for years through HS even. I dated women, had sex with him and loved having intercourse with him more than women, but having sex with a woman was still fun mind you.

FFW to now. My wife, for the last year or so, has had intense lesbian erotic fantasies.

Because I do not quite get the late bloomer thing, are there any women here who were married and gradually started to feel the urge to have a sexual relationship with another woman and all that that entails that goes along with it? I think that women generally are more emotionally drawn and intimacy is a result of a bonding, whereas men....just be there.

So, can someone clue me in to this phenomena?

What should I expect? What can I do to just help her through this and not push her one way or the other?

:yikes2:

[ohmymy69]

My "handle" on a couple of other sites is "L8b1oomer" so yes I was late to recognize my bi interests.

I was in a sexless/loveless marriage to a philanderer for 33 years, I never knew anything about my own sexuality let alone what else was out there...I never had an orgasm either!!! (I finally divorced him) That was until I met my (bi) husband, he opened my eyes to the many wonders of sexuality...self awareness and a freedom to be who/what I am.

For the most part being wrapped up in raising a family, a very conservative upbringing (not politically/religiously) a repressive marriage, and living in the small close minded town I'm in all contributed to suppressing my sexual self awareness quite well. Now with the support of a loving husband I'm both multi-orgasmic and free to explore sexuality like I never imagined!

I suppose there is some rebellion involved in my being so free now but I want to live my life fully and with with passionate meaning!!! I am totally in love, prefer men as a sexual partners but I love the sensual touch/kiss of a woman!!!

Support your wife in her yearnings and NEVER push her in any direction, don't "expect anything either, treat her as you would have her treat you! Together you can both celebrate her growth!!!

[innaminka]

Without re-hashing many, many articles here, your wife's situation is far from unusual.
many women don't come to terms with their (non-hetero) sexuality till later in age.
The reasons are myriad - peer pressures, family, fear ignorance etc etc.
Because, don't ever forget (as you know) the hardest person to come out to is yourself.

As to the future .... ?????

The best advice I could give is .... be there for her. be supportive as much as you can.
Heaven only knows what direstion she will go - but be there. Keep those lines of communication between the two of you wide open.

[Realist]

That's great advice, Oh My!

I met a lady here in 2008, who had her first f/f experience after her husband died, when she was 70! She'd always felt drawn to women, but because of her very straight-laced husband, she kept putting the urges out of mind. (Or tried to)

She told me that by the time she was in her early teens, she wanted a female lover, but always resisted. (For the same reasons those of us, who were raised in uber-conservative, and homophobic atmospheres, either didn't act on our desires, or hid what we did do)

After her husband died, she moved in with a friend, who was also a widow. Soon they became lovers...the other lady had some experience, which helped.

How sad that she waited that long to find out if she could fulfill her dreams.

She said it was the most satisfying and exquisite thing she'd ever done!

She was happy.

[dbltrbl69]

The day I had told my ex wife I had enjoyed bi sex she dropped to her knees and gave me a hot, passionate blowjob, excited because she had similar feeling about being with a woman. A few years later we went on AFF and set up our profiles. She met 4 women on there she eventually met and had sex with. I was "allowed" to meet some bi men but she didn't want to hear any details and I wasn't allowed to join her with her lady friends although I was "allowed" once again to watch a couple times. Suddenly our marriage was on the rocks for whatever reason, not to do with this from what I understand. Suddenly she swore off pussy and told some of her friends that I liked men. Yeah men are great, but my main attraction has always been women. Now my lovely girlfriend and I enjoy 3somes with both men and women, even having my ex in bed with us. It feels great having a partner that enjoys watching me with women and men, I I enjoy sharing our experiences with her so much. She's number one and vice versa... The rest comes second and we fulfill all our fantasies and desires. We both have been disappointed with some of the bi posers out there, but don't let that stop us from finding that perfect man, woman or couple to reach mutual pleasure with. We discuss everything...honesty is the best thing. Hope everyone eventually finds those special sexy people in their lives. No guilt, shame or regret. Life is short, live it up.

[JP1986UM]

Its really quite interesting from my POV

she can only reach climax now when in a full lesbian fantasy and its quite specific as to what this woman looks like and what they do.

This occurs even when we are having sex, so I find the "change" to be rather illuminating about the fluidity of human sexuality.

[drugstore cowboy]

It's very common for women who are lesbian to come out years or decades later after they've married a man.

There are lesbian women here who after being closeted and in denial about being lesbian and even marrying men finally accepted themselves as being lesbian and came out.

[Annika L]

It's very common for women who are lesbian to come out years or decades later after they've married a man.

There are lesbian women here who after being closeted and in denial about being lesbian and even marrying men finally accepted themselves as being lesbian and came out.

Yea, even as it is common for men to do the same...I'd be interested in seeing the comparison statistic of how often each happens.

I find the expression "closeted and in denial" curious, though. As I see it, if one is in denial, then one cannot be closeted. To be in the closet means to recognize one's situation and be keeping it from others. To be in denial means that one is not letting oneself recognize one's situation. So the two would seem to be mutually exclusive.

[JP1986UM]

In conversations with my wife, she says that she had a brief FF encounter when she was younger, a teen I guess, and that she was caught and shamed about it. So she put it away and never brought it up again.

Her first marriage ended in divorce, obviously, and they had a horrible sex life. She was much younger and they both were not really capable of a life time committment to each other for many reasons.

Second, my own coming out has helped her see that same sex relationships are not dirty, or wrong in anyway. We've both come 180 degrees in our social philosophy about that and its helped to support our gay friends who are now getting married. (One just did this weekend in fact)

Her own development in this course is fun to watch from my perspective, but I feel like I need to handle her with kid gloves. I was always Bisexual in my head if not gay leaning. But she's had this straight identity and to start down the line so later in life in your late 40's will certainly be an interesting process for her and don't know what to do.

[Realist]

Annika, you'd make a damned good lawyer!

You have a very analytical mind and often see things that I miss! I've heard the term "Closeted and in denial" before, but didn't think deeply about it. Good job....you forced me to think a little, there!

Remind me to never get in an argument with you!

[drugstore cowboy]

Yea, even as it is common for men to do the same...I'd be interested in seeing the comparison statistic of how often each happens.

I find the expression "closeted and in denial" curious, though. As I see it, if one is in denial, then one cannot be closeted. To be in the closet means to recognize one's situation and be keeping it from others. To be in denial means that one is not letting oneself recognize one's situation. So the two would seem to be mutually exclusive.

You've clearly never seen people who are in the closet or in major denial about their sexuality.

I've met people who were in years or decades of denial about their sexuality, they finally admitted to others and themselves that yes they're not heterosexual yet stayed closeted, and then they went back into their major denial and claimed that they were somehow heterosexual when they never were at all.

[Annika L]

You've clearly never seen people who are in the closet or in major denial about their sexuality.

I've met people who were in years or decades of denial about their sexuality, they finally admitted to others and themselves that yes they're not heterosexual yet stayed closeted, and then they went back into their major denial and claimed that they were somehow heterosexual when they never were at all.

Never...clearly....

Interestingly, nothing you said actually refutes anything I said.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Oh Boy...theres those two words again...closeted and denial. Watch for the stereotypes to follow shortly as well.
Many people have "late life revalations" and I say More powre to ya'll! If they wanted to wait until later years to try something new, then again, more power to 'em! Better late than never. :}:cool:
Cat

[BiDaveDtown]

I was reading another site about bisexuality and some bisexual guy there claimed that most bisexual men will wind up settling down with men and that if they do settle down with a woman that she'll be a lesbian and it will be a marriage of convenience where the lesbian goes off and has sex and affairs with women and the bisexual men goes off to have sex with men.

I'm bisexual and my wife is straight and not lesbian at all, and she's never had any desire to have sex with a woman and is only attracted to men.

[Helen Hewie]

I've been here since about the week I came out to my wife a few years back. I always knew I was bisexual because my first lover was another male which went on for years through HS even. I dated women, had sex with him and loved having intercourse with him more than women, but having sex with a woman was still fun mind you.

FFW to now. My wife, for the last year or so, has had intense lesbian erotic fantasies.

Because I do not quite get the late bloomer thing, are there any women here who were married and gradually started to feel the urge to have a sexual relationship with another woman and all that that entails that goes along with it? I think that women generally are more emotionally drawn and intimacy is a result of a bonding, whereas men....just be there.

So, can someone clue me in to this phenomena?

What should I expect? What can I do to just help her through this and not push her one way or the other?

:yikes2:


Yeah me i am 31 and came out bi last year when i met hewie. Since then i love having sex with guys and girls.

[Helen Hewie]

Yeah me i am 31 and came out bi last year when i met hewie. Since then i love having sex with guys and girls.
Let her have sex with women but be there and support her.:bipride:

[darkeyes]

I was reading another site about bisexuality and some bisexual guy there claimed that most bisexual men will wind up settling down with men and that if they do settle down with a woman that she'll be a lesbian and it will be a marriage of convenience where the lesbian goes off and has sex and affairs with women and the bisexual men goes off to have sex with men.

I'm bisexual and my wife is straight and not lesbian at all, and she's never had any desire to have sex with a woman and is only attracted to men.

A work colleague of my sister, an attractive if slightly butch woman of 47, married for over 25 years to an admittedly closeted bisexual man, recently obtained a divorce.... the marriage fell apart after she could no longer take his suppression of her desire to be with other women and their domestic life became more fractious and violent.

It seems it was fine for him to have his little bit of fun but whenever she looked at another woman, or man for that matter, she was put under serious stress by a man who was both selfish and downright unpleasant... her sexual interest in women began to be awakened when she was in her mid 30's and knowing him to be bisexual confided in him thinking he would understand. Not a bit of it. She was property and possession and what he did was his affair and what she did was his affair. Indeed such was his possessiveness that over the last decade of the marriage she was put in a straightjacket and made to give up friends she has known since she was very young.. just in case...

No Dave, I am not saying that is how your relationship is, but illustrating one sad case of whats sauce for the gander is not always sauce for the goose... you may be interested to know that he is not closeted any more.. for better or worse she made sure of that.. neither is she and her children have supported her in every move she made.. good on them...:)