Should I come out?

[Jobelorocks]

Well I am a happily married bisexual woman in her mid 20's and my husband and I are swingers. My family has no idea about the fact that I am bisexual and certainly not that my husband and I swing. They are very conservative and Evangelicals and I am thinking it may be more trouble than it is worth. I would rather not be disowned over the personal sex lives of my husband and I. Not to mention, my family has very little understanding about bisexuality or the lifestyle. I do not plan on bringing any of my extra sexual partners around them even if I do come out. What do you guys think? Am I just being a coward? I just move so often (due to my husbands job) and I have a hard time making lasting friendships, so my family and my husband are really all that I have.

[BicuriousIndy2]

I really don't see any benefit to talk to your family about who you/husband take to bed or what you do when you get there.

[Jobelorocks]

Sorry I should clarify... I am asking whether I should come out about my bisexuality not about my swinging.

[Long Duck Dong]

a coward is a person that has the choice of standing up in battle or not.....and runs....... a wise man is the one that chooses what battles are worth fighting... and doesn't waste time and energy fighting battles that can never be won or serve no purpose......

so the question comes down to, what advantage would coming out be to you and your family......and is it worth it.....

the trouble is that coming out is a personal thing and its telling others about your personal wants, needs and desires and opening you up to the arguments, conflicted and issues, but at the same time, coming out puts your wants needs and desires in the spotlight and creates the chance for them to confront their own opinions and understanding of their beliefs..... so you have a disadvantage as a advantage and vice versa

its always easier to judge other people, when they are strangers, and when its family, it is harder for people to be as judgmental......

another aspect of coming out, is that some people can take it as a personal insult and personal attack on them... and by that I am refering to your family taking it as a personal affront to them...... in some of the cases i counselled, the family have accused the person of betraying the family by being LGBT.....

so the decision is one that you have to make for you first, then you and your partner, then you and your relationship, with your partner and your family...... as it is possible ya family may see your partner as responsible for you being whom you are......

believe me, the blame game is played a lot, when people come out as LGBT..... and its interesting to see how many people that talk about being very accepting and tolerant people, have a real biased streak in them.... and it all comes back to strangers v's family.....

so, lol....after that wall of text, I have still not said its better to come or or its better not to...... and the reasoning for that.... is its a personal choice and I do not have to deal with the results and the future.......

and no you are not a coward for choosing your battles wisely and making a choice..... a coward would have run from the decision of yes or no, and never made the thread

[Jobelorocks]

a coward is a person that has the choice of standing up in battle or not.....and runs....... a wise man is the one that chooses what battles are worth fighting... and doesn't waste time and energy fighting battles that can never be won or serve no purpose......

so the question comes down to, what advantage would coming out be to you and your family......and is it worth it.....

the trouble is that coming out is a personal thing and its telling others about your personal wants, needs and desires and opening you up to the arguments, conflicted and issues, but at the same time, coming out puts your wants needs and desires in the spotlight and creates the chance for them to confront their own opinions and understanding of their beliefs..... so you have a disadvantage as a advantage and vice versa

its always easier to judge other people, when they are strangers, and when its family, it is harder for people to be as judgmental......

another aspect of coming out, is that some people can take it as a personal insult and personal attack on them... and by that I am refering to your family taking it as a personal affront to them...... in some of the cases i counselled, the family have accused the person of betraying the family by being LGBT.....

so the decision is one that you have to make for you first, then you and your partner, then you and your relationship, with your partner and your family...... as it is possible ya family may see your partner as responsible for you being whom you are......

believe me, the blame game is played a lot, when people come out as LGBT..... and its interesting to see how many people that talk about being very accepting and tolerant people, have a real biased streak in them.... and it all comes back to strangers v's family.....

so, lol....after that wall of text, I have still not said its better to come or or its better not to...... and the reasoning for that.... is its a personal choice and I do not have to deal with the results and the future.......

and no you are not a coward for choosing your battles wisely and making a choice..... a coward would have run from the decision of yes or no, and never made the thread
Thanks for your post. I guess I am conflicted because I have to hide this portion of myself and I want to be "out and proud" so to speak. I just don't know if it is worth possibly getting disowned for. I have always been one who likes to be political and fight for rights/ fight against injustice, ect. and it is hard to do that for the LGBT community if I am not out.

[BiDaveDtown]

Jobelorocks yes you should come out.

Life is way too short to live in the closet or to live up to other people's expectations or to live in fear because of your relatives and living your own life in a closet.

No you're not going to be able to fight for LGBT rights or for our rights and privileges from within a closet of hypocrisy and fear.

[Pasadenacpl2]

You should only come out if you deem that it is the right choice for you. No one can make that choice for you. Only you can weigh the pros and cons and decide which is more important. It is not hypocritical not to come out. Sometimes there is far more to lose by coming out. Sometimes there is not. No one here can answer that for you.

Some people in the gay/bi community will chastise you for your choice every bit as much as the straight community. Since no one else has to live your life, or suffer/gain the consequences of your choices, do not allow anyone (straight or not) to pressure you into either staying silent or coming out. Only pain can result if you do not make the choice 100% on your own.

Just as an aside, depending on your situation, there is much you can still do to help while not coming out to your parents. It is not such a black and white issue as some would have you believe.

Pasa

[love1234]

This does not sound like smart move to me.

Your business is your business and you do not have any reason to explain your business to people that would never understand your business.

[bisocialnudist]

Living life out of the closet has been hugely rewarding but also full of challenges. It is a very individual decision that needs to be tempered by our work, family,friends, and our community. I lived for decades with the secret no one must know, turns out mostly because I was ashamed of my same sex attraction. Once I learned to accept myself, look in the mirror and say there is nothing wrong with being bisexual it changes everything.

My being bisexual goes way beyond what goes on in the bedroom, it is part of who I am , it simply feels good to live my life openly as me. One of the issues with being invisible and in the closet was it made it harder to find others like me. Worse then the invisibility which we do to ourselves is the erasure that occurs when others just assume we are heterosexual. To combat this invisibility and erasure I find that everyday presents itself with new challenges and opportunities. Coming out is not a one time event its a way of life but it can bring new rewards.

I love watching those who know me change their impression of what it means to be bisexual from some strange trait to be feared to just another wonderful piece of the human tapestry. As others have said it is up to each individual but when it works it can be simply fabulous. For those of us who are in a position to open up and be role models we can make it better for the next person. Good luck, Mark

[Diva667]

Thanks for your post. I guess I am conflicted because I have to hide this portion of myself and I want to be "out and proud" so to speak. I just don't know if it is worth possibly getting disowned for. I have always been one who likes to be political and fight for rights/ fight against injustice, ect. and it is hard to do that for the LGBT community if I am not out.

You don't have to come out as Bi to support LGBT rights...

I would encourage you to be the one person that your potentially queer nephews and cousins can talk to. Sometimes it really helps to have an ally, a friend and a confidant, especially in places where it might not be acceptable to be out. If everyone maintains a facade that they are all evangelical, fundamentalist gay bashers then no one feels like it is safe to be out.

And you can speak up without having to be out - just say you know I have (gay, bi , trans , lesbian) friends and they are people , just like you. Or something like that.

Being out is totally for you - it's about not having to hide who and what you are at all. It can be very freeing to know exactly who accepts you. OTOH if there isn't anything to be gained for you then don't do it. There's no need to make yourself a martyr.

I will say this, a few years back I did come out to my parents. They did not (and still do not) accept my way of life. However they are civil about it and friendly to me. I did it so that my female lover (whom I am in a LTR) would not have to hide who she is around them. I suprised myself when I came out. I had not planned on it, my parents are in poor health, but I went and did it anyway - for her(my partner) and for me. Because I love her that much. I don't flaunt my partner in front of them , don't push it in their faces, if you know what I mean. But when I speak of her, there is no doubt who I talking about. They also know that to speak ill of her, would cause me to "walk out" of any conversation.

I'm not out about being poly, or kinky. There's no point to being out to them about who I choose to sleep with or how.

TL;DR - Be out for you and those you love, not for any political cause.

[hydropop]

Not sure if this will help you with an answer or not. I know that tattos arent for everyone, But I chose to get a small bisexual tat and had it put inside my left arm near my elbow. I had it put there so that its not like it can be viewed by everyone, and is sort of hidden. Now some have seen it , and some have never seen it. And the ones who have seen it have asked what it ment. And I have gotten not weird reactions, but just a few questions, and we are still friends. This was my answer to how I wanted to come out. In fact one of my good friends has even told me he was bi curious and has become an even closer friend.

I wish you luck in how you chose to or not chose to come out.

[Realist]

I'd never advise you on such a personal subject.

But, for myself, I have chosen not to share intimate parts of my life with family. (I certainly never wanted to know about their sexual experiences)

They were, at least, as rabidly conservative and opinionated as your family! I could visualize much wringing of the hands and lamenting having such a devil-driven son!

No way was I going to start THAT fire!

[R. R. Wayne]

I'm with Love 1234. I fail to see what you would gain by this act of exposing yourslelves to ostracism and criticism.

[fredtyg]

How about a compromise of sorts as hydropop sort of suggests:

Go about your bisexual lives openly but just don't say anything about it to the family? If they pick up on your sexual orientation from afar at least you haven't "confronted" them with it where they may feel they have no choice but to react with hostility to it.

If they do pick up on your bisexuality they may not feel the need to say anything. If you went before the whole family and announced it, then they might feel they'd have to at the very least voice disapproval if only because they're in front of the rest of the family.

[Katja]

TL;DR - Be out for you and those you love, not for any political cause.

I do agree with Diva even although I think the cause is bigger than any one of us, and it is much bigger than any individual, it must be left to each of us to decide whether to declare ourselves bisexual or not.

As individuals we can have far too much personally to lose. Even although we desire it, declaring ourselves bisexual can be both counterproductive to ourselves and the community as a whole. It can certainly be quite devastating to those we love who are unprepared for such a declaration, but each of us must weigh up the consequences to ourselves, our loved ones and the bisexual community as a whole.

When I talk of the consequences to the community at large what do I mean? Well, I will tell you. I know of one bisexual woman, and a gay man who made such a declaration. Their families had always supported the rights of the GLBT community and had a great deal of compassion and tolerance, and it was thought understanding. Upon them declaring their sexuality to the world, certain members of both familes, and friends of both families were so shocked and aghast at the revelations that from being the compassionate relatively tolerant people they were, they became violently anti GLBT. Within one family the life of someone was threatened at one stage by another member of the family.

Neither is it inconceivable that by declaring ourselves bisexual that we make our families pariahs in the local community as they are accused of harbouring and raising a 'pervert'. This is especially likely should a family show support within a hostile community and can endanger lives on both sides.

Forget the personal cost to each of these people which to them was much greater than the addition of a few bigots to the opposition camp, but those additional bigots are a cost to us and such a reaction can make our job the more difficult. It does provide us with more enemies as if we did not have enough as it is.

But what is most important to each of us, is our personal cost. Within both family and local community, this can be huge and even on occasion life threatening. All the consequences to ourselves have to be taken account of prior to telling the world we are ut we must also take account of the cost to our family. Of course it is easy to say that if they love us enough they will accept us, but it is also important that we love our family enough not to put them through something which may not be necessary.

To many of us it is not necessary because they are monogomous people who are married to or partnered with people of the oppsite gender. Their sexuality has been made subservient to their love of their partner. Why create pain and havoc when it is not necessary?

If the world was a better, more caring and understanding place, and if sexuality was irrelavent to how people think of others, such deceit as often occurs in relationships would never be necessary. We aren't there yet, and until we are, all who are bisexual, and gay and lesbian for that matter, have to weigh up the consequences to everyone, from themselves, family, friends and to the community at large.

To those who I read chuntering on so contemptously about those of us who are 'in the closet', it is they for whom I have contempt, for they show such disregard for the feelings, lives, and safety of other people that they should be ashamed of themselves.

To all I say, come out when and if you are ready and you are confident to do so once you have weighed up the consequences and risks to everyone. It is not always wise to do so for anyone.

[Jobelorocks]

Thank you all for your responses... I still have no idea what to do...lol. Maybe I will discuss it with my husband and try to figure out what to do.

[Jobelorocks]

Jobelorocks yes you should come out.

Life is way too short to live in the closet or to live up to other people's expectations or to live in fear because of your relatives and living your own life in a closet.

No you're not going to be able to fight for LGBT rights or for our rights and privileges from within a closet of hypocrisy and fear.

I don't let people trying to guilt trip me influence my decisions. Also it is rude and immature to say someone you know nothing about is a hypocrite. The whole reason there is trepidation with people trying to come out is people being hostile or trying to guilt trip people for who and what they are. Are you really going to stoop to that level?