in need of enlightenment

[val.entine]

i am a 25 year old bisexual woman, newly moved to an area with my male mate. we adore each other, love one another, and are really the best of friends. he is quite aware of my sexual past, and my desires and love for women. i've had relationships with women, but they have always been brief. lesbians don't seem to trust bi girls, and since i am a femme who prefers femmes, i often find myself as a prop, almost an attention getter for a girl who wants to make out at a party then sleep in separate beds.

as i've said, i moved across the country less than 2 months ago, with an incredibly wonderful man and a fantastic professional job. we were apart for months of abstinence, but now that i am here, and i'm trying to make friends, i've run into a particular girl who is in a very similar position as myself.

it was initially an attempt just to connect, meet people, become a part of the community, but we have seemed to click. nothing has progressed more than light flirtation, and i haven't told my mate. in the past, he seemed turned off by the idea, thinks cheating is cheating, and i understand his point of view, but i don't know what will become of me if i am not allowed to be honest about my sexuality.

this girl and i have made plans this weekend, and initially it was a casual hang out, but now he is going to be away on business. i don't want to suddenly break this to him over the phone. i don't want to ruin what he and i have. but i long so deeply to be with a woman, and have for the time i've been with him.

should i go? call him? cancel? will this last forever? i really think bisexuals get the short end of the stick in life, and maybe i'm not destined to be in a committed relationship, but he and i both deserve to know that now. does this ever work? all i want is for him to be a her 3 nights a week...
any and all suggestions are welcome.

[lizard-lix]

Hi, welcome to the site and I hope we can help a bit..

It's tricky, cheating is cheating and given that you have just turned your whole life over, is it worth the risk of doing damage to your relationship?

Maybe just get to know your new potential GF this weekend and when he gets back sit him down and talk.. Love and communication usually gives the best chance of it working out..

It may take time.. I am a married bi guy and after many years of happy, but monogamous, marriage; I decided that straightness and monogamy were not fully satisfying me anymore.. So I brought it up and we have been working at it, slowly, sometimes the progress seems almost glacial, but what we have gets stronger and remains undamaged.

But you need to decide what is most important and what works best for you..

I wish you luck and the best outcome. Keep talking!

Cheers,

Liz..

[hgf33]

You need to communicate with him first. Cheating is cheating, yes, but only if it's something he doesn't approve of. Talk to him and try to get him to understand it a little more. Maybe find a way to appeal to him in terms of how hot it is! It's a slim chance, but maybe he'll "let" you. My boyfriend let me have a girlfriend once, as long as he always knew what was going on and when. Odds are, he'll be against it, but don't be angry with him. There may be a lot of people here who are sexually open-minded, but most people could never think of sharing their significant other, and that's totally understandable. That being said, if he disregards your sexuality altogether, meaning he refuses to accept it and doesn't want you to identify as bi, then he's probably not the man for you. You need someone who accepts you for you. Good luck! :-)

[Gearbox]

Wait until your bf gets back, and explain that your not happy as things are. He might agree to let you play with girls. But if he doesn't, then you need to consider ending the relationship before you start cheating.

[Realist]

I was married to a bisexual lady, who thought it was perfectly normal for her to be bisexual, but an awful "affliction" for a male to be bi! Her opinion was, it was perversity in the extreme for two males to be lovers!

Like you, I loved her deeply and decided to never tell her I was bisexual, too. For our entire marriage I had no sexual contact with another male, although I did have to fight the urges a few times.

We divorced after 5.5 years, for reasons other than sexual, but I've often wondered how long I would have been able to abstain and deny my bisexuality?

It is my opinion that if you deny your bisexuality, it will eventually come back to haunt you.

I think, if I were you, I would reveal myself to him and hope that love and understanding will prevail!

[ErosUrge]

I was married to a bisexual lady, who thought it was perfectly normal for her to be bisexual, but an awful "affliction" for a male to be bi! Her opinion was, it was perversity in the extreme for two males to be lovers!

Like you, I loved her deeply and decided to never tell her I was bisexual, too. For our entire marriage I had no sexual contact with another male, although I did have to fight the urges a few times.

We divorced after 5.5 years, for reasons other than sexual, but I've often wondered how long I would have been able to abstain and deny my bisexuality?

It is my opinion that if you deny your bisexuality, it will eventually come back to haunt you.

I think, if I were you, I would reveal myself to him and hope that love and understanding will prevail!

Yes, I agree...ultimately in my experience things never work out if you have to hide. I have a friend now who is straight and she has been hiding her excursions from her husband for several years now...she has convinced herself that nothing is wrong with this and I don't want to judge. The man she is seeing outside her marriage is also married and hiding. It's just that sooner or later something always gives when you're hiding. But she is convinced otherwise. Her argument is that since her husband only has sex with her no more than once a month that she is entitled. And since she's tried to discuss this with him and things still haven't changed that she's justified. I don't agree and love her as a friend dearly...I still believe it's better to be honest about it all.

[Lisa (va)]

Sounds a bit like you are not ready to settle down to a monogamous relationship, regardless of how you feel for him. If you have a need for a woman to be a part of your life by all means he should know as soon as possible.

If he thinks cheating is cheating then you know how he feels if you persued this without his knowledge/consent. if you love and adore him as you say, you owe it to him to be honest with him.

Being bi is not the short end of the stick as you say, it's just a part of you, some straight people as well are not suited to a mongamous relationship. And remember being commited does not necessarily imply monogamy, but that commitment does entail be truely honest.

Can a bisexual be in a committed-monogamous relationship, the best answer is maybe. Some folks can manage it for the long term, other can't manage it at all, and still some can manage it for a short time.

Just my 2 cents, and I do wish you the best, as well as him. Good luck.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[val.entine]

Thank all of you. I am impressed that this forum has so many understanding and open people. If nothing else, I feel much less alone.

I pushed back plans with this woman until I can have a proper chat with my best friend and love. I hate the idea of him having a final say in my sexuality, but not as bad as hurting him by going behind his back, and I guess that's the final say.

And I always have my imagination. Maybe if he hears what I'm saying with the right delivery, everyone could be happier, healthier, and better sexed. :):three:

[onewhocares]

Thank all of you. I am impressed that this forum has so many understanding and open people. If nothing else, I feel much less alone.

I pushed back plans with this woman until I can have a proper chat with my best friend and love. I hate the idea of him having a final say in my sexuality, but not as bad as hurting him by going behind his back, and I guess that's the final say.

And I always have my imagination. Maybe if he hears what I'm saying with the right delivery, everyone could be happier, healthier, and better sexed. :):three:

First of all, you are never alone here...so many interesting and enlightened folks. I do think that communication is utmost, and be honest with your best friend and soulmate. Even though he knows about your fondness for women, not being honest with him about your feelings for this new friend could bring further problems in the future. Realist has great advice.

Belle