Confused

[4Robert4]

Hi All

I am somewhat confused as to to my wifes reaction to some text messages I sent her the other day and would like your views please.

I am a straight husband to a recently out of the closet Bi wife, recently to me and not to friends or family. We were in bed and she said that she would like to go to a stripclub with me followed by asking if she could share a fantasy with me, was I ok with this. I have now accepted her sexuality and was cool with hearing her talk about a bi fantasy.

We went to a stripclub and had a few drinks, she plucked up the courage to ask for a private dance and i followed into the booth. The stripper danced for me first then for my wife. As this was a fantasy we could touch. My wife started playing with her breasts and licking them she started to finger the stripper and wank me at the same time then the stripper sat on my face as my wife fucked me. They were kissing all the time and caressing each others breasts. Then my wife was on all fours with her head between the strippers legs licking her clit and tongue fucking her while I was fucking her from behind. This was absolutly fantastic and the sex we had was so hot and raw it was amazing.

The next day I text her to say that if she really did want to go to a stripclub to find one she would be comfotable going go and that we would go. In another I mentioned that the thought of her licking another womans tits really got me horny and the final text was about Bi-con in september and an excuse we could use for my parents as to why they would be baby sitting. All of these texts were ment to help her realise that I am completely ok with her being bisexual but she has taken them to mean hook up a 3some quick as I really want to do it, and she feels pressured to go further than is is happy to right now.

The thing is I know she would gladdly fuck another woman tomorrow if I said that it was ok. I understand that this will not mean she loves me any less or that I will lose her. I think though that she would not be confotable seeing me with another woman even with her there. Oh and in the fantasy I never fucked the stripper and that was never even mentioned even when I started telling the fantasy near the end.

Answers on a postcard please...

[BiDaveDtown]

You do realize that Bi-con is a convention about discussing bisexuality right? It's not a swingers club, strip club, or someplace to go for sex like she thinks it is or wants it to be.

Tell her this about Bi-con and as for your parents just tell them that you're going to a convention to discuss bisexuality or human sexuality since your wife is bisexual.

[4Robert4]

We realise that Bi-con is a convention with seminars and stuff and that is why she wants to go. So we can both go to seminars and answer any questions we may have.

Can't tell my parents that as my wife isn't happy for everyone to know yet as old fashioned values may alter relationships with us and our families.

[Maggot]

Perhaps the texts came a little too quick on the tails of the fantasy talk. After all, talking fantasy between the two of you is the safe option - going out for real and meeting real, live people is the scary option, and yes, she may not be feeling up to that yet.

Not to mention possible discomfort at receiving recognition of her bisexuality by text from yourself - it is way too easy for text/email to land in the wrong in-box, the number of raunchy messages I receive at work is quite illuminating - I have standard "I think you've sent this to the wrong contact - if not - thank you." responses on my email and phone.

None of us know exactly what other people are thinking or feeling at any given time - you two have crossed communications at the moment.

Time for some reassurance that you are not gagging for a threesome at the first opportunity and that things will continue at the pace your wife chooses to set in her exploration. You could start with a simple "I'm sorry, those texts didn't come out how I meant them to."

[SinCityGal]

Hey 4R4,
Firstly-- how nice it is that your wife has such a supportive husband! No matter how close you are or how good the marriage is, divulging your true sexuality to someone, especially a partner, can be scary. I've learned that hetero men like you are the exception to the rule. Most of them think they'd be gung-ho about seeing their wife/gf getting it on with another girl, but the reality is that quite often this can create some or all of the following: insecurity, fear, jealousy, questioning their own abilities in bed, questioning their own sexuality, questioning the relationship itself (why does she need more than me? am I not satisfying her? will this make her want me less? what if she changes her mind and wants to turn things into private encounters without me, instead of 3somes? am I *really* okay sharing her with someone else?) etc. etc.

I'm a bi wife married to a hetero, very accepting, nurturing and loving husband (thank God). He's known from the very beginning about my sexuality. I have yet to be with another woman while married and I'm not sure I ever will, though I'd like to. This is mostly because my husband is still learning to cope with a) the arousal that thoughts of me and another woman together create, coupled with b) jealousy, confusion and other negative emotions that surface. It's a lot to ask a man to take on, no matter what. I think in time, we'll work it out. But it isn't something you can just throw on someone and expect it to work itself out. Communication is SO critical.

One thing I will say for sure: it's one thing to have a fantasy, another to try to turn that fantasy into a reality. One does NOT automatically lead to the other, and since things invariably never work out exactly as planned, it has the potential to not only have an awkward encounter, but also spoil the fantasy.

Are you positive she really wants to turn this fantasy into an actual event, or was it meant to live as a fantasy between the two of you? Did she say it's something she actually wants to live out, or is that a conclusion you jumped to on your own? Personally, what she describes sounds really hot and *in theory* I'd love to see that play out with my husband and a gorgeous girl. *In reality* I have no idea and I'd probably get very insecure and anxious, and that's only if I find the courage to enter the joint in the first place :tong:

My bet is that she told you a secret that made her vulnerable-- then wanted to have hot steamy fun to release the tension. Sorta like make-up sex without having to have an argument first. :bigrin: But (and I'm just guessing here) based on her negative reaction to your texts, I doubt she wants to go through with this (at least not for a long time). Now she's worried she'll now be expected to go through with it (I know you meant well and did not want to rush her, but). As Maggot mentioned, fantasies are safe and wonderful and easily shared with partners. Trying to turn them into real events and bringing in third parties (especially a stranger who your wife may feel is more beautiful or more in shape than she is) forces her to make potentially uncomfortable decisions I imagine she is nowhere near being ready to make (either now or perhaps ever).

I vote you leave it be for a few days, then ask her privately, in person and at home, if her fantasy was meant to be kept a fantasy. Reassure her you're 100% fine either way. Apologize for inadvertently upsetting her or putting pressure on her. Good luck :)