Realizations and questions

[Clary]

So.. I really don't know how good I am at this, but if you have a moment I would like some advice/opinions...

I'm a 24 years old female and consider myself Bi. This is something I have contemplated on for quite a while and identify best with a 4 on the Kinsey Scale closely leaning toward a 5 (so a 4 and a half? :D) Anyway... Right now I am confused, part of my just wants to be one or the other, I hate playing this, I like girl and I like boys thing, it feels wrong, like there should be one or the other. I know this is just who I am, but its frustrating some times.

A little history... I was raped when I was a young girl over about four years time by the same person. I never told anyone until I ended up in the hospital, in the psych ward (the reason I ended up there was ridiculous) Then my parents forced my sister to tell them. They then, without my permission, told my entire family so "no one would give the family member a place to live" and acted as a horrible thing had been done to them. I have had boyfriends, and been sexually assulted by two of them. I haven't had sex with a man since I was raped and have a lot of trouble with sex anyway. I have have multiple sexual encounters with women and tend to lean that way. I identified as a lesbian for a while, but I still get "crushes" for lack of a better term, on guys, and lately have wanted to date them.

I haven't come at as Bi to anyone (or lesbian when that was how I identified) My fathers a homophobe, though he wont admit it, my mother is a right wing christian, and my family would die if they knew I was sexually attracted to women.

I know this is sort of rambly and I am sorry about that. I guess my main concerns are, why do I feel like it is wrong to want to be with both sexes? Why do I feel like it should be one way and not the other... *shrugs*
Thats why I came here

Thanks for letting a newbie ramble

Clary

[kitten]

Dear Clary,
Welcome to the site! And first of all, this is a good place to ramble, to express your thoughts, concerns and yearnings. There are many good listeners and advisors here.

I am so sorry that you have had many negative sexual experiences. It may be in your best interest to get those worked out and closure in place before moving ahead too fast.
With dad being homophobe and mom appearing to be very religious, there are 'rights and wrongs' that have been taught to you. It takes time for a person to learn and grow and make up their own mind about what is right and wrong for themselves.

It appears that you are looking for resolution to many things and the choice of male or female is a way to have control. Which is what you need to do - take control of your life, not let others make your way for you. No means No and say it with conviction and don't let anyone control you and your choices.

Once I had it all worked out for myself about being bi, I was able to look at, be with, and appreciate the person- not the gender because I have attraction to both sets of physical attributes. It was not an overnight ability. It took me quite some time to get through being overwhelmed, then accepting of myself and then being confident with my desires.

I wish you well and give you lots of hugs. Please let us know how you are doing as you work through becoming who you want to be.

[_Joe_]

I know this is sort of rambly and I am sorry about that. I guess my main concerns are, why do I feel like it is wrong to want to be with both sexes? Why do I feel like it should be one way and not the other... *shrugs*
Thats why I came here

It feels wrong because you're fighting years of upbringing from your parents and still have the hard-wired need to follow in their expectations.

You need to learn to live your life as you want to, without trying to fulfill their expectations. The great joy in this is that to a small degree, they don't even need to know what you want to do with their life. Its not their business, they don't need to know, so do what makes you feel good and take it day by day, slowly stripping away the guilt that comes from how you were raised and expected to move on.

[dickhand]

You're not wrong . It's just a new realization . Takes getting used to . I wouldn't be surprised to see you give up on men altogether with the way you have been treated and used by them . We are not all alike and you are open minded enough to realize that . Good for you . Good luck with your future . I hope you are able to enjoy it !

[ErosUrge]

It feels wrong because you're fighting years of upbringing from your parents and still have the hard-wired need to follow in their expectations.

You need to learn to live your life as you want to, without trying to fulfill their expectations. The great joy in this is that to a small degree, they don't even need to know what you want to do with their life. Its not their business, they don't need to know, so do what makes you feel good and take it day by day, slowly stripping away the guilt that comes from how you were raised and expected to move on.

Joe has expressed the truth here. I understand so well your struggle. My own experience had to do with the same thing. Though I knew early on I was bi, I couldn't accept it for a great while. And a lot of it had to do with what others would think, family being one of them but the fear that my closest friends would reject me was unbearable. Yet the realization occurred for me that if they were truly my friends, this would not be a reason for them to turn away.

Whatever you do, don't let others dictate your life for you. Your happiness will come from you living your life the way you see fit. And as Joe pointed out, it's not their business. Our sexuality is a very personal and deep part of who we are. And consequently our true happiness stems from how we feel about ourselves concerning it. There will be "bumps in the road" you can be sure. But I think you'll find it all worthwhile once you get through it and you'll be more at peace.

Welcome to the site; you're amongst friends here and there's lots of support. Hang in there.

[Gearbox]

If everybody was bi, it wouldn't feel wrong. Just natural (as it really is).
We live in a world of societies that are geared for heterosexuals. We are EXPECTED to be heterosexuals! Nobody gives birth to gay/bi babies. Their all assumed to be baby heterosexuals!:bigrin:

Your not on your own. At your age I thought it was a burden. But I was wrong.:)

[cddm50]

Hello Clary, Sounds like you started out on a tough path in life.


A little history... I was raped when I was a young girl over about four years time by the same person. I never told anyone until I ended up in the hospital.... They (my parents) told my entire family so "no one would give the family member a place to live" and acted as a horrible thing had been done to them. I have had boyfriends, and been sexually assaulted by two of them. I haven't had sex with a man since I was raped and have a lot of trouble with sex anyway.

Have you sought out any professional psychiatric help beyond your hospital stay to deal with your emotions on this? These acts of crime against you can lead to serious depression and lack of self worth, to name a few issues, and take a toll on your psyche and leave deep scars.

You may need to talk to someone in depth on an extended basis. They can help you find your inner voice, learn to love and accept yourself for who you are, not by what others say you should be. They can help you understand how your feelings got you to where you are now and make sense of your attraction to both genders. Try to find a doc who is LBGT friendly and sensitive to these issues.

I'm no doc and don't hold a PhD but if I had to speculate... I think your sexual tendency towards women is very logical if you were assaulted by only males. You may feel safer with your own gender. But sexual attraction to males may be your sense of longing to be accepted not only physically but emotionally, something you were denied growing up. You want to be loved and are willing to trust again. There is something to be said about your past experiences molding your sexual identity whether they were good or bad.

But I think you are still very leery about men, and you may always be untrusting thruout your life about men. It is not wrong to want to be loved by both genders but it may be that you have different sexual motivations for women than you do for men.

Have you been to the police and reported these crimes or are they beyond the statute of limitations? Though you may be fearful of consequences there is something to be said about the healing power you feel when you stand up for yourself and turn the tables on your attackers. Rape is a crime and should not be tolerated in our society.

I hope you are working on a path of healing in your life. It's good for the mind and soul. Ultimately you need to stand up for yourself and take control of your life and emotions to be the person you want and need to be. You can do this. There is no shame to ask for help from others to achieve this goal. You are not alone.

HJ

[ErosUrge]

Hello Clary, Sounds like you started out on a tough path in life.



Have you sought out any professional psychiatric help beyond your hospital stay to deal with your emotions on this? These acts of crime against you can lead to serious depression and lack of self worth, to name a few issues, and take a toll on your psyche and leave deep scars.

You may need to talk to someone in depth on an extended basis. They can help you find your inner voice, learn to love and accept yourself for who you are, not by what others say you should be. They can help you understand how your feelings got you to where you are now and make sense of your attraction to both genders. Try to find a doc who is LBGT friendly and sensitive to these issues.

I'm no doc and don't hold a PhD but if I had to speculate... I think your sexual tendency towards women is very logical if you were assaulted by only males. You may feel safer with your own gender. But sexual attraction to males may be your sense of longing to be accepted not only physically but emotionally, something you were denied growing up. You want to be loved and are willing to trust again. There is something to be said about your past experiences molding your sexual identity whether they were good or bad.

But I think you are still very leery about men, and you may always be untrusting thruout your life about men. It is not wrong to want to be loved by both genders but it may be that you have different sexual motivations for women than you do for men.

Have you been to the police and reported these crimes or are they beyond the statute of limitations? Though you may be fearful of consequences there is something to be said about the healing power you feel when you stand up for yourself and turn the tables on your attackers. Rape is a crime and should not be tolerated in our society.

I hope you are working on a path of healing in your life. It's good for the mind and soul. Ultimately you need to stand up for yourself and take control of your life and emotions to be the person you want and need to be. You can do this. There is no shame to ask for help from others to achieve this goal. You are not alone.

HJ

No doubt; very sound advice. HJ sounds like he either is a professional or has some experience in the field. All the above is so true. Wishing you the best Clary.

[Long Duck Dong]

So.. I really don't know how good I am at this, but if you have a moment I would like some advice/opinions...

I'm a 24 years old female and consider myself Bi. This is something I have contemplated on for quite a while and identify best with a 4 on the Kinsey Scale closely leaning toward a 5 (so a 4 and a half? :D) Anyway... Right now I am confused, part of my just wants to be one or the other, I hate playing this, I like girl and I like boys thing, it feels wrong, like there should be one or the other. I know this is just who I am, but its frustrating some times.

A little history... I was raped when I was a young girl over about four years time by the same person. I never told anyone until I ended up in the hospital, in the psych ward (the reason I ended up there was ridiculous) Then my parents forced my sister to tell them. They then, without my permission, told my entire family so "no one would give the family member a place to live" and acted as a horrible thing had been done to them. I have had boyfriends, and been sexually assulted by two of them. I haven't had sex with a man since I was raped and have a lot of trouble with sex anyway. I have have multiple sexual encounters with women and tend to lean that way. I identified as a lesbian for a while, but I still get "crushes" for lack of a better term, on guys, and lately have wanted to date them.

I haven't come at as Bi to anyone (or lesbian when that was how I identified) My fathers a homophobe, though he wont admit it, my mother is a right wing christian, and my family would die if they knew I was sexually attracted to women.

I know this is sort of rambly and I am sorry about that. I guess my main concerns are, why do I feel like it is wrong to want to be with both sexes? Why do I feel like it should be one way and not the other... *shrugs*
Thats why I came here

Thanks for letting a newbie ramble

Clary

take a deep breath, my dear..... you are not the sum of your experiences, you are a survivor of experiences that have given you understanding and knowledge of aspects of life.......

this makes you a person with a greater understanding of how you see people, relate to them and feel about different experiences......

your sexuality is something that is a aspect of who you are as a person and can be shaped by the experiences..... they do not create your sexuality.....

what you are looking for and seeking, is stability in your mind and emotions.... and a way to bring them together inside you so that way you are not feeling like a boat in a storm......

hun.... the person that most needs to be happy about your life and the way you live, is you..... not other people and there are many people that will tell you how to live your life, but they are talking about how they would live your life......

instead of boring you to tears I will post a link to a thread in this site that I wrote for people like you.... and me ..... so read that ..... and see if it happens

being a survivor, not a victim (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2383)

[dobu1]

If it reassures you any, I haven't come out to anyone as fluid, including my parents. It probably doesn't, though.

Just wanted to tell you you weren't alone.

--db :flag2:

[Yoyome100]

I know it can be difficult to be bi here or for that matter most places. Seek out support groups if you can. Good luck!

[Clary]

Thank you all for you suggestion/opinions and responses! I read through the link to the information Duck wrote (thank you that was incredibly helpful). I can not seek police help, all of these experiences are past the statute of limitations. The person who raped me has been ostracized, but that has had some backlash on me in the process.

I am trying to get some medical help. Getting information from my HR Dept. at work is like pulling teeth. I am waiting on the information to arrive in the mail so I can start looking for a good therapist to see. I saw someone while I was in college, and for a little while afterward, but we had not even scratched the surface of my baggage. lol.

I hope I replied to everyones questions. Thank you all again for making me feel so welcome and having such great advice for me! I am so glad to have found a place so open to talk about all of this. *good sigh*

Thanks for all the hugs :)
Clary