Demanding Sex

[averagejoe]

So I've been seeing a guy for a few months, and he could really be the posterboy for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Originally, he came on to me really strong, but as time went on, he's started making up a billion excuses not to do anything sexual, and even if we do, he's acts like he's totally not into it. It's pretty unfulfilling. I'm pretty sure it's a powerplay as I've never put any pressure on him to do anything sexual.

Then, I found out the other day he just messed around with some other guy. Granted...I never expected him not to mess around with other guys, I only told him I wouldn't. (I only mess around with 1 person at a time)

I know I should run for the hills, but I actually like this guy. I think he's just trying to sabotage himself honestly. He seems like a good guy at his core.

I'm willing to tolerate his games, tantrums, and whatnot....BUT...this whole cold fish thing is going to be a deal breaker at some point. I get that it's hard to get close to someone, but you can't just withhold affection from Person A, mess around with Person B, and tell Person A you like them.

Here's the thing...
I hate to be a controlling jerk, but I'm thinking about starting a powerplay of my own. If he wants me to continue seeing him, he has to have sex whenever I want it. I just want to kill off that powerplay once and for all.

Besides, if he thinks those terms are unreasonable, he can simply stop seeing me. And, it gives him a nice excuse for ending it without feeling bad.

I just feel bad because most people who act like him were abused at one point, but honestly, if he agrees to it, there just might be a shot for a relationship in the future. Besides, it's not like I would actually demand sex much, but he just needs to know that he can't withhold it to manipulate me.

[Darkside2009]

Why bother with all the games? Just call it a day and move on, it seems fairly obvious he is no longer interested in you in that way.

Find another that will appreciate whatever qualities you might have to offer.

[averagejoe]

Really, I'm ok with just having sex if that's what it comes down to so long as it's safe.

Also, it's not that he doesn't like me. I'm pretty sure he's afraid to like me. I know I should just look elsewhere, but I'm kinda like a moth drawn to the flame. I don't mind the chaos. I just have limits.

[cornholejoe]

hey sex is what it is about if you want a friend get a dog

[ChicagoNormalGuy]

Really, I'm ok with just having sex if that's what it comes down to so long as it's safe.

Also, it's not that he doesn't like me. I'm pretty sure he's afraid to like me. I know I should just look elsewhere, but I'm kinda like a moth drawn to the flame. I don't mind the chaos. I just have limits.

What makes you pretty sure he's afraid to like you? Is he worth the metric ton of chaos that he will come with?

And I am totally NOT one of those people that scream about having sex with someone who is having sex with other people and that it isn't safe. Having said that, people with emotional and/or mental problems don't always use the best judgement when it comes to where his cock goes. So if you are fine with just having safe sex, are you sure it is going to be safe sex?

[Wrenn]

but he just needs to know that he can't withhold it to manipulate me.

Sounds to me that what you are proposing to lay on him is manipulation as well. Too many mind games are at play here. This may not be an emotionally healthy situation.

[wanderingrichard2]

Joe,
why you trying to stoop to his level of drama queen? it seems you already have your own.

best bet for both of you is to end this farce right away, and go find someone who actually cares for you and commits whole heartedly. which, might take a while considering that it seems you may need to change your thinking a bit too.

[drugstore cowboy]

Why bother with all the games? Just call it a day and move on, it seems fairly obvious he is no longer interested in you in that way.

Find another that will appreciate whatever qualities you might have to offer.

Do this.

The guy you met averageJoe sounds like he has major issues and you'd be better off without him.

Just do what Darkside wrote and just move on since he's clearly not interested in you.

BTW unless you were there you do not actually know if he was not "safe" with the other people. Just because someone is having sex with more than one person it does not mean that they're being "unsafe" or that they have an STD.

[averagejoe]

which, might take a while considering that it seems you may need to change your thinking a bit too.
Yes, you're right. I never said I didn't have my own share of relationship issues because I most certainly do.


So if you are fine with just having safe sex, are you sure it is going to be safe sex?
I know exactly what you mean, and yes, I'm a still a little uneasy. He's been tested, and we talked about messing around with others. I told him as long as he tells me, I don't care. I don't like it, but I'm ok with it.


What makes you pretty sure he's afraid to like you? Is he worth the metric ton of chaos that he will come with?
It's one of those things where you just know. It's the whole push pull thing. He acts like he wants to have a relationship, but if I get too close, he starts to distance himself. Then, if I give him space, he won't leave me alone.

Is it worth it? I don't know. There aren't a lot of people whom I'm interested in sexually, so I figure I might as well stick with it until I find someone else or he decides to have a relationship.

[ChicagoNormalGuy]

Y
Is it worth it? I don't know. There aren't a lot of people whom I'm interested in sexually, so I figure I might as well stick with it until I find someone else or he decides to have a relationship.

If you want an actual relationship, then you need to get the hell out of this one. He is manipulating you and worse, you know he is and you are letting him. He will not change because he's got exactly what he wants right now.

You only give yourself two options: stick with it until someone better comes along or wait until he changes. You have at least a third option. Stop seeing the guy. Be alone for a little while. Figure out what you need and then find someone who can fulfill those needs.

As for the two options you gave yourself, again, he doesn't need to change because he's getting what he wants from you now. It isn't right and it isn't healthy and he probably isn't doing it consciously but at some level, it is what he wants so he doesn't need to change his tactics. So he isn't going to change unless you do something to make him change.

Of course, if you decide you are only in it for the sex, that in itself is a change from the status quo. You will no longer be pursuing a relationship with him. So he will no longer be getting what he wants from you. Do you think that will end well or badly?

[averagejoe]

Update...
So I pretty much called him out on all of his crap, and it was definitely a good thing. I've also decided not to tolerate any excuses or games, and I call them out every time I see one. Now he's starting to actually talk things through instead of trying to play games, and communication is a good thing. I think I was being too nice, and it wasn't helping anyone.

I also decided to demand sex just to kill off that powerplay. It was selfish and really sucked, but it led to a really good conversation after that. Anyway, he's started becoming more affectionate every time I see him. I feel like we're starting to get to know each other a lot better.

So yeah, I still think this is worth pursuing.


Stop seeing the guy. Be alone for a little while. Figure out what you need and then find someone who can fulfill those needs.
A little while would probably be a long while. He's the first guy I've been into in 6 years... Guess I could go back to women, but I kind of want to explore this side of myself.