Desperately need advice!

[Molecular]

So my girlfriend and I have been together nearly 4 years now and we are very close. She knows that I am a bisexual man but isnt comfortable with her self enough to persure any kind of sexual act with me and another man yet(coming from her). When I first met her she was very involved with the equal rights movement so I assumed she would be cool with my lifestyle choice but she hasn't been as supportive as I would have hoped. Anyway it's coming up on our 4 year anniversary and I feel that I should propose soon but am scared that having never acted on any of my bisexual urges would prove a very tough challenge down the road in our marraige and I desperately want to be with this woman for the rest of my life but don't want to resent her down the road. Any advice that could be offered would be greatly appreciated!

[tenni]

Hi
I think that you raise issues that many bisexuals find themselves struggling with at some point in their life. From what you have posted, I believe that you have not actually had a same sex experience?

If that is correct, I would suggest discussing this with your girlfriend. How you live as a bisexual man has a "lifestyle choice" aspect but being a bisexual man is not a choice. It (urges) is not going to go away if you are a sexual being.

You state that she is not comfortable at this point inviting another man into a bed with the two of you. That is just one choice available. Perhaps, you should explore your sexuality on your own with another man first? Consider that idea and discuss it with your girlfriend. Would she be comfortable with you having a friend for same sex experiences? This would clarify to some extent your sexuality and give you an idea as to the pleasures, comfort level etc. of same sex acts. From discussing your sexuality more realistically with your g/f you may work on establishing "rules" as to how your sexuality may function in your relationship with her. ie. Would she want to meet him first? Would she want to know what happened after the fact? She has already stated that she doesn't want to be in the sex act but would she want to be present while you play? etc.

Living a monogamous life with a heterosexual woman is just one of several choices that a bisexual man has. It can be very difficult for some bisexuals and especially if you have not explored your sexuality before entering the marriage. I agree that if you do not clarify your sexuality now that in the future any marriage may experience great difficulty. Some bisexuals live a monogamous lifestyle with a heterosexual but others find it too difficult. Right now, it seems that it is all avoidance of discussion is happening. It will be better to clarify this before proposing. The rules may evolve and change but try to find out what she expects and is presently comfortable with before proposing.

There was an older thread brought back that you may want to read if you have not read it yet. How to do monogamous marriage while embracing your bisexual identity?

I'm sure others will have further advice for you. Good luck.

[lizard-lix]

Well not sure if I can offer advice, but here is my similar circumstance.

I grew up bi, my first experiences were with guys and added girls a little later, I still like both!

I met my wife when I was 20 and she was 23. She is straight, but open minded. I told her I was bi before we got married, she was OK with it, but wanted us to be monogamous, which I agreed to.

So right there, we have a potential end to the story, we have a happy monogamous marriage, so my being bi, was immaterial.

I accepted monogamy and we have been very happy for almost 32 years. We are still best friends and spend almost 24/7 together as I work from home and she takes care of the house and doesn't work outside any more (she is a retired nurse practitioner and physician's assistant).

However a few years ago my slut side came back in force, I won't say my bi side, because it's not just guys, I want to have more sex with more people, both men and women. For a while, I just watched a lot of porn and got rid of the 'extra' that way, I also did some cyber, which she knows about, but not in gory detail.

It's finally come up to the 'need to do something about it' point. So we talked and have tried BDSM (FUN!) and gone to a swinger's club, we didn't touch, but we watched and were watched, that helped me a lot and she enjoyed herself too, a lot. So now we have decided that we'll go now and then, and if we meet a similar and compatible couple to play with, we will, but it is not an imperative. Just cracking the door a bit has helped my horniness and since she has come to me part way on this, I am happy and she is happy too..

We keep learning and growing and trying...

This is just how we are and how it works for us. If you love each other and want to make each other happy, you can find a way as long as both of you are fair and willing to compromise. From the monogamy thread, it is not always easy, but it is worth it, at least to us...

Good luck!

Liz

[Molecular]

Thank you for your comments they have been a great help!

[geebee04]

This appears to be a rather large stumbling block in your, otherwise, good, four year relationship. I can tell you one thing, do not marry her with the intention of "changing" her, overtime. Lot of people make that mistake, end up divorced shortly after.

Then again, it doesn't sound like you're willing, or able, to make any compromise so you two face kind of a stand-off.

The smart move, because you're not really gonna listen to me, is do what ever.........just do not make any kids until this shit is resolved!

[Noboundaries]

No matter who is involved in a marriage or potential marriage, every couple will face sexual issues whether they are straight or LGBT. Marriage is a loving, bonding legal contract between a couple whether that couple is straight, gay, or lesbian, or bi.

With any marriage the individuals who are about to get married have to decide what the sexual nature of their contract is going to include. Although not the only one, sex is a very powerful bonding agent in a marriage. Even when my wife and I were having rough patches during our 30 year and counting marriage, we still had sex. Why? Before my wife and I got married a priest asked us if we knew if our parents were still sexually active. At the time our parents were in their 50's. Mine were having sex, hers weren't. He warned us that we often repeat our parents behavior and that was something to think about before getting married. Assuming health issues weren't involved, my future wife and I agreed soon after that conversation that a sexless marriage was grounds for either a divorce or extramarital activity because it indicated something seriously wrong with the relationship. Her parents divorced after 5 and a half decades. Mine were together 53 years until one died.

Over our 30+ year marriage we've learned that as a couple we are responsible for writing our own marriage contract and it is subject to constant revisions and updates. Those changes occur due to everything from becoming parents, financial issues, job transfers, pillow talk discussions, fantasies, deep desires, you name it. You and your future wife are solely responsible for the success of your marriage, no one else.

That same priest, a rather forward thinker, said "anything the two of you decide to do together is absolutely fine." We may have taken it to places he never intended, but this guy had been a very progressive thinking priest for over 40 years listening to confessions regularly so I suspect he knew exactly what he was saying.

My wife and I were totally monogamous for about 20 years. When we decided to not be monogamous any more, it was something we both agreed to and had been working on together for quite some time, almost 10 years. We were able to mentally modify our marriage contract because we set quiet time aside each weekend for intimate communication which always morphed into sex. For us, talking was our foreplay. We eventually added people to our marriage bed and most of the time did it together. If we did it separately it was with the other's complete knowledge and approval.

Many, many loving marriages could be saved if they had the same advice we did before we got married. Unfortunately many folks view of marriage is legally binding monogamy, laying all non-monogamous sexual desires on the alter of sacrifice, or choosing divorce over courageous communication.

BTW, if you do get married, just plan now for a facilitated program like Marriage Encounter or a couples communication weekend about 2-3 years into your marriage. You may be completely happy but you'll learn how to communicate as a couple at open honest levels you would not believe were possible.

Best of luck! There's nothing better than a powerfully loving marriage that helps each of you become more than you could be on your own.