Having a bisexual boyfriend

[Emunahd]

Hello! I am new to the group and glad I found it! Are there any women here who are involved with a bisexual man? My boyfriend of almost 2 years is bisexual. Long story short, he doesn't know that I know. Found out on accident. I was using his computer one day, with his permission, and stumbled upon a cruising site, as well as some emails arranging liasions.

I am supportive of him, and want to talk to him to let him know that not only am I ok with it, but am also open to playing with him and another man from time to time. There is a lot of history behind this. When I first found out, he denied it, I think for fear I would leave him. I have not brought it up again, but I am sure he has been cruising. I love him, and want there to be honest communication between us. Would love some advice on how to approach it so as not to appear accusatory or threatening. Thank you!!!

[love1234]

You sound like great girl friend.

Have fun play safe.

[Emunahd]

Thank you for that! Any advice, though?? :-)

[Long Duck Dong]

carefully, would be my advice..lol

you know your boyfriend better than us... and you know how he reacts to most things and issues, so use that as a guide

a few pointers, choose a good time when you are both relaxed and talking.... in the middle of good sex, is not always the best place......

let him know that you know about the emails and stuff... but stress that you are ok with it, you are not angry or annoyed and that you understand if he is struggling with that aspect of himself.... not all people that cruise, can come to terms with it within themselves and bring it out into the open and make it a part of their relationship....

another aspect is fear, the fear of others knowing, fear of friends and family finding out, fear of being judged and outted.....

I sent my partner to this site to find out about me, my past, my lifestyle and how other bisexuals lived ..... it was my way of letting her make a informed decision about me as a bisexual... that was before we got into a relationship tho

that is something you can try with your partner.... tell him that you want to use his computer and that you have joined this site cos you are curious about some things and you are coming here to learn more about being bisexual and what its like..... that shows a proactive approach to him and that you are being supportive and understanding of him without saying very much.....

or there is the hard and direct approach... you can say to him that you are his partner, you love him, care for him, want and need him... and you know about the emails and stuff, and its pissing you off cos you would love to suck a mans cock with him and stuff like that... and you would perfer that you can both do it in the safety of your own house, not in a random strangers house.....

[HzyJD]

Hi there!
My hubby is bi and I've known since about 12 months into our relationship. We kept quiet on the subject for a couple of years but recently I just came out and told him we need to be more open about his sexuality if we are to have a happy and healthy relationship.
At first I kind of bombarded him with questions and tried to move too fast but I soon realised that we had to take it slow. We discuss our feelings every couple of weeks and bring more information out into the open. Sometimes I'll feel like talking when hubby doesn't so I just have to chill out for a few days until a better time presents itself.
Your boyfriend firstly has to decide that he wants to be completely honest with himself and with u. It really is your right to know what your boyfriend is up to especially if it involves him seeing other people. Let him know that your are supportive and what it means for you to know the real him. Hopefully he realizes that you deserve to know the truth and you can both travel the path of discovery together.

[Emunahd]

To Long Duck Dong (lol, btw - 16 candles!!) and HzyJD: Thank you a million, million times! I cannot TELL you some of the HORRID sites I have been to, seeking realistic and calm advice, only to have been bombarded by hateful, nasty women.

We will be spending this weekend together, so I am going to take a DEEP breath and lay it all out there. I am fearful to bring it up - but I have to, cause I can't go on like this!

I am also bisexual - he knows, and has seen me kiss / make out with a girl (completely impromptu at my 40th birthday party) and he did not judge me, or leave me. I think I should say that to him, and then tell him "just as you didn't judge me, or bail, I would NEVER judge you or bail, either."

We have an interesting dynamic. He works nights, Mon-Thurs. I am a single mom with 2 kids and a very absentee dad. We only see each other on weekends, and sometimes only every other weekend. Although I do miss him, I like this schedule as it allows both of us space,and it allows me to put my kids first. I would rather miss him from time to time, than not have him. I just want to be grown up enough and brave enough to throw it all out on the table, and deal with whatever happens. I don't know how he will take it. I messed it all up the last time I attempted it - it has been almost a year to the day since that happened.

Anyway - I digress. Thanks again for providing me with a safe place to figure this all out. It helps to get it out of my head!

[Emunahd]

Oh, Hzy - does your hsuband "cruise" with other men (for lack of a better way to put it)? Or is he just bisexual, without acting on it? If that's not too personal of a question...

[Long Duck Dong]

yeah 16 candles lol.....

reading your reply, it sounds like he lives a double life in a sense.... he has sex with other males for sexual relief, but doesn't want anything more from them, as he has a relationship with you and you are his partner.....

now there may be a underlaying issue there that he may feel that if he is doing you, you may want the same freedom...or that his time with you is special, he doesn't want to share you with other people when you are both together....

so you are between a rock and a hard place, but yes, i would go with saying to him that you know about the site and the emails, and you are ok with it.... and even if he denies it, you still know about it now.... you just want it out in the open so he doesn' feel that he has to hide or sneak around behind your back

technically it is cheating and that can be wearing on his mind too, so distancing himself from the cruising, can be his way of dealing with the issue of infidelity.... and if you say, its ok for him to do that, it can free him up from his own * demons *.....

anyways, keep us updated on how you get on..... its hard getting some partners to talk about their second life and sometimes they never do... other times they open up and talk..... either way, at this stage, its about you expressing yourself and dealing with the issues you are dealing with in you

good luck

[ErosUrge]

I'm probably not the best person to address this because the situation that you have is EXACTLY what I would love to have myself...
And since I don't know your boyfriend I can't speak for him. But I would imagine that if he and I are anything alike, he would want to have the person he is closest to (and that being you I would assume) be accepting of his sexuality. And since you are and even more so than many other women, I would think that once he knew this he would be ecstatic. But again, I'm saying this based on how I would feel if it were me.
I think all this will depend on how you approach it and as has already been indicated, be forthcoming in letting him know immediately that you're totally accepting of it and emphasize it so that he really knows that you mean it. I wouldn't suggest emphasizing if it didn't appear that he was reluctant to let you know in the first place. But unless he has some other reason for not letting you know, I just can't imagine that he wouldn't be overjoyed with you accepting it. And what Long Dong Duck explained, it very well may be that he fears you might want the same freedom. No doubt that you wanting to get this out in the open and especially since you now know is the best policy as far as I'm concerned. I really hope it turns out for the better...best wishes to you both.

[Emunahd]

Thanks, LDD (ha) and Eros. I go back and forth in my head whether or not to bring it up at all. As much as I HATE that he is lying, I get it. He may be getting off on the secrecy of it all...like a bisexual Dexter, lol. It is my hope that we can be totally honest. I really don't want to act on my bisexuality. For me, it's more of an acknowledgement of how I'm wired than any type of urge to go out and "do something." I think I would be perfectly happy letting him do his thing. It's not about a trade off. He's been doing this for a very long time...

Anyway! I appreciate the good wishes. We will see what happens!! And agin, it is so great to have this forum to vent.

[tristancir]

I would venture to say that few girlfriends would be this accepting. Bringing up the subject might be difficult. But it will be the right thing to do. Being able to be ultimately open about this could be an excellent bridge to a closer relationship.

[HzyJD]

Hehe, funny u say that ur bi yourself. I never actually considered myself bi but I've had several sexual encounters with females in my life so far & I often see women that catch my eye. I just never considered it bisexuality because I am mostly attracted to men.
I read all those horrible sites with bitter women whining about their husbands just like you did. I honestly think that if you and your boyfriend want your relationship to continue, it can. And it can be healthy and happy :)
My hubby has had sexual encounters with men in the past but not since we've been together. I did find evidence of him having text contact with men but since I confronted him with that I think he's realized he needs to b open about it all.
He wants to remain monogamous but I honestly think that will change in the future. I'm fine with that, there has been mention of playing together with a third, whether that be male or female is yet to be decided. He's told me he would love to see me with another lady which I'd definitely b into!
I think for some people they've spent so much time convincing themselves that they canb straight, then it becomes really hard to face the aspects of themselves that scare them.

[bluesky55]

It can boil down to a matter of trust that is harder to get by for some. ErosUrge said many things quite well. I too long to achieve the same type of relationship that he talked of. I enjoy both sexes and as I become more and more involved with a new girlfriend that I really like (and have wonderful sex with) I hope that she will be understanding of the fact that bisexuality is not necessarily bi-love when it finally comes to light. I haven't had another encounter with a guy since we started in bed together. It's not for me not wanting to get with another guy or couple as opposed for me not wanting to feel like I'm sneaking around or cheating on her. We have not made any commitment to one another and supposedly are just having fun, but still… I'm hoping to break it into the open before a business trip next month as I hope to get too tempted.

I was with a woman for a number of years that secretly fantasized about watching men having sex together. She was a nurse and was in an "on call" situation one weekend. We were in her bed when the phone rang and she went to the other room to talk. I laid there staring at the ceiling for a while then reached over to the night stand and grabbed a book she was reading, something to occupy myself. I found a couple spots where the corners had been folded over marking pages and started reading. Essentially the stories were of a woman telling how hot she got watching guys together. When my gf finally came back into the room she was initially shocked to see me with her "secret book" but then noticed my obvious state of arousal which led to much more. She "confessed" that for many years it was a secret fantasy of hers to see "her guy taken by another man." I "confessed" that I had fantasies about men that I had not acted on. We talked about it often, got into toy play, eventually strap-on play that she loved, then she succeeded in encouraging me to explore my curious nature/desires sexually. It led to some great times.

I guess my point here is that a casual hint may be helpful, but something a bit more bold or daring may be more helpful. We were fortunate enough to be past any "children in the house" situations that allowed for more openness. The trust was an initial concern that was hard to get past because in both of our professional careers in a conservative town, we needed to keep our private lives private. We were together for 4 years before we parted for other reasons. The concern that something may not last and the fear he may have of "being found out" for whatever reasons he may have, can be adding to the difficulty of accepting that you really might be OK with it. In some ways I'm in a similar situation. Hope this helps you understand what he may be going through or gives you an idea like "the book" thing. Good Luck.

[Emunahd]

At the risk of sounding like a broken record - THANK YOU! Damn I am glad I found this site!!! As Friday approaches, I find my stomach turning. I have been avoiding this conversation for a YEAR and since I have given myself this weekend as the deadline to bring it up, I am making myself a wreck. I keep going over different methods of bringing it up in my head - everything from humorous to "we have to talk." Although, "we have to talk" is dead last on the list, everybody hates those four words. I think I will go with sexy and humorous and see what happens. I just need to watch myself and not get pissed and offended and butt hurt if he is still in denial. He has been in this closet for YEARS and this may not be easy. I know his family, and all his friends, and god only knows the panic he may initially feel. Bluesky, I appreciate that you shared your experience with me - it is ever so helpful. And Hzy, we need to go out and have a drink!!! :bigrin:

[Bicuriousity]

In my case, id love it to have a female partner who was interested in my bisexuality. My only fear and it is one youd probably want to address, is that i dont want other people to know, particularly any of my straight male friends. Bisexuality is still looked down on by many straight guys and girls, so id want to be sure that it woukd be our secret unfortunately

[HzyJD]

And Hzy, we need to go out and have a drink!!! :bigrin:

Hehe, would love to. Can you catch a plane to Australia any time soon? ;)

Good luck for the weekend and try not to let it overcome you. The emotions can get pretty high...

[Emunahd]

Bicuriousity, yes! It will need to be confidential - and will be - for both our sakes.

Hzy, when I finally make my way down under, I will look you up! And thanks for the advice - I am a nervous (yet determined) wreck. Not only am I nervous that a man I love may freak the fuck out, I still have some hangover about the fact that he has been cheating on me, and why should I put up with this? I mean, if he were seeing women, I would be PISSED and I would be GONE! What kind of a double standard is that, right? I am making myself nuts. If I did not have such empathy - from my own personal experience, as well as the experiences of those I love - for how agonizing it is to desire and act on same sex urges, it would be different. I would be one of those vile hater women we talked about before, lol. Glad I am not, but it is an emotional situation, like you said.

:eek::eek:

[Bicuriousity]

Keep us informed and if there is anything we can do to help him we will as well. Remember to tell him bisexuality is nothing to be ashamed about!

[HzyJD]

So? Any updates?? How did your weekend go?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

If you want honesty, then you should start with yourself, Girlfriend. Going thru his personal mail and sites is doing the nosey thing, and sneaking into personal space. If he is setting up sexual encounters behind your back, then yes, thats wrong too. And you sat there cruising his sites to see what he is up to. That's an intrusion and a breach of trust..Unless he Wanted unconsciously for you to find them....
I think its time you both sat down and had a serious discussion...Talk to him about his being Bi, and express how you feel about this either good or bad.
Best of luck to both of you, but if both of you dont have total trust, then you've got some major issues to overcome besides him being bi...
Cat

[bi42guy1958]

Hello! I am new to the group and glad I found it! Are there any women here who are involved with a bisexual man? My boyfriend of almost 2 years is bisexual. Long story short, he doesn't know that I know. Found out on accident. I was using his computer one day, with his permission, and stumbled upon a cruising site, as well as some emails arranging liasions.

I am supportive of him, and want to talk to him to let him know that not only am I ok with it, but am also open to playing with him and another man from time to time. There is a lot of history behind this. When I first found out, he denied it, I think for fear I would leave him. I have not brought it up again, but I am sure he has been cruising. I love him, and want there to be honest communication between us. Would love some advice on how to approach it so as not to appear accusatory or threatening. Thank you!!!

OK, am I the only one that seen this or am I misreading this? First paragraph......"he doesn't know that I know" Second paragraph......."When I first found out, he denied it"

WTF?? I smell fish!!!

[eyeluv2look]

I have just found a girl that accepts the fact that I like to explore with same sex and has been encoraging me as well as wanting to get involved. I have been married two times and both times had secrets. I feel like I have finaly met my soul mate and look forward to spending the rest of our lives truly living a open minded lifestyle. Let him come to you but it would help if you were bi as well and showed a intrest in M/M play. My GF talks about me with a guy during sex and I'm hard instantly but have not much real experiance. YET :)

[HzyJD]

Hang on Cherokee...

You would rather someone get away with cruising for people of the same sex behind their partner's back? I'm sorry, but the reason people become nosey into their husband/wife's business is usually because they sense something is up.

If I hadn't been nosey in my husband's business I don't think I would have found out about his same sex attraction until far too long into our marriage. But now I know, and I accept him completely for who he is. We're dealing with it head on, I don't know if I could say the same if I found out 20 years down the track...

Sorry, but some people need a serious nudge when it comes to confronting their issues. Otherwise it could go on for years without being dealt with.

My 2 cents

[dbltrbl69]

Do everything you can to make him feel good about his bisexuality, my gf was turned on when I told her, much better than my ex who thought eating pussy for her was ok but me enjoying cock was too much for her. Find someone who makes you both feel at ease and enjoy... I personally can't wait for our first bi 3some, hell I would love a moresome, a room full of hard dicks would totally be mind blowing. We won't let anyone ruin our relationship, we just have a huge sexual appetite and can't wait to see each other getting our fill and know that in the end its what we both want and have each other in the end. Go for it, look eachother in the eye when you share a blowjob and make some magic

[Emunahd]

Hello from me, again!

First off, to address bi42guy's question. When I first came upon the information about a year ago, I confronted him. He denied it, I accepted it, and we never addressed it again. I did not believe him, but know how difficult it can be to "come out," so I have been laying low. He does not know that I am currently aware of his cruising. I hope that makes sense?? He thinks that I just accepted his denial and don't think that he is bi. But I do!

Cherokee, I totally get that honesty is the most important thing EVER. We have both been keeping secrets from each other - me, that I know, and him, that he is actively bi. Very unhealthy and it has to stop. In my defense, I really wasn't in there to look - when I pulled down the bar to enter my website, the last sites he used were right there - all gay/bi hookup sites. And since my hsuband of 23 years left me for another woman, I have abandonment issues, I went straight into fear and looked at them - and I get that it is a breach of trust, we did address that at the time. I apologized, he forgave me, but still denied any "active cruising."

Anyway!

I began a light conversation with him this weekend, it started with a chat in general about Arnold Schwarzenegger (lol) and fidelity. I said to him that monogamy is a very western concept, and, for example, what is a bisexual person to do? Just turn it off? I said I could see and understand that a person would want to have their needs met without fear of losing their opposite sex partner.

I did not want to just blurt everything out and "go at it." Partly because I am a coward - and partly because this is a big fear of his, and I feel that kid gloves are necessary. We also talked about bringing another man into "our bed" and he did say that he is "not afraid of body parts touching" or anything like that - which I said I thought was hot - and he relaxed a bit. Progress is being made.

And then we were at a friends over the weekend, and her husband started off on a homophobic rant that was just fucking ridiculous, and I watched my man shut down. So, he has a lot of fear and repression going on, and for god knows how long.

More later, work beckons!!!

Much gratitude, as always, for this input. What a lifesaver!

[BiPhone]

What kind of homophobic remarks? Just curious. I have a brother who always did this and when I came out as bi to him then he got his shit together and have always been supportive after that.

Just curoius: Keep up the good progress. You are making it believe me.

[Emunahd]

Thanks, Darryl. The rant was a lot of "you can tell that guy was a fag because blah blah" and just derogatory in general. I don't want to give them any credence by repeating them. They were filthy.

[elian]

And then we were at a friends over the weekend, and her husband started off on a homophobic rant that was just fucking ridiculous, and I watched my man shut down. So, he has a lot of fear and repression going on, and for god knows how long.


Yeah, I know what that's like - really happy just being with a friend only to hear them say something like that can be a real let down if you are still in the closet.

The key to people being accepting is to learn what it feels like to walk in someone else's shoes. People who meet actual "homosexuals" with an open mind soon realize that homosexuals are usually just like everyone else - they put a face to the word, rather than just railing against some invisible unknown stranger..

For a long time even being with my loving boyfriend who is the sweetest I still felt guilty over having feelings of love for him. It takes time, courage, strength to get over those negative feelings.

Bless you for trying Emunahd, I know it can't be easy. I wish healing and love for both of you.

-E

[Emunahd]

"For a long time even being with my loving boyfriend who is the sweetest I still felt guilty over having feelings of love for him. It takes time, courage, strength to get over those negative feelings."

Elian, can you explain what you mean by that statement? And, thank you for the good wishes. This IS hard.

[elian]

I'll try to explain. I've always been an affectionate person, but my parents pretty well discouraged that behavior, they knew that in order to get a good job men have to be hard, they have to compete aggressively - not be affectionate and rub up against people - and certainly not show open nuzzling and affection toward other men.

I grew up in a rural conservative area so from a young age it was pretty well drummed into my head that a) touching yourself was wrong (even when I was too little and really didn't get any feeling out of it) and b) "gay faggots" were "disgusting".

All of the role models I had growing up, none of them had one nice word to say about gay people. Is it any wonder then, that I feel guilt over loving another man - or about having intimate contact?

The other issue I had is that growing up all of the MALE role models I had were pretty abusive, sometimes alcoholic, sometimes did drugs, sometimes threw things around the house and yelled a lot, sometimes beat my mother into submission. All I knew growing up is if that's what it takes to "be a man" then I wanted to be as far away from being a man as I could get.

I was also abused when I was about 7 or so by an 11 year old babysitter fooled around with me sexually - I enjoyed that to be honest because even though he screwed with my head here was a man who wasn't yelling or drunk but capable of giving great pleasure. But then he left and I never saw him again. Before he did that he locked me in the basement for hours, threatened me with a gun, tortured a stray cat that we found in the park -

In short most of my experiences with men were not very good, it has taken me quite a long time to appreciate and understand SANE men in the world. I choose now to believe in the power of compassion, because without it I probably wouldn't be alive today.

All that old programming and those old fears create a powerful boundary that is hard to cross and truly be trusting and intimate with someone, especially a man. You may wonder if you are less of a man for loving another man. All of the hatred that homophobes spew really does take a terrible toll. If your friend knew how much his words hurt your boyfriend I wonder if he would still say them..good friends probably not, but some people just don't know how much it hurts sometimes.

I scoff at certain folks who think anyone would voluntarily CHOOSE to go through what I went through just to "be gay"- but would I change any of it? Would I give up being gay if I could? Probably not because for as painful as it was I was also given the gift of an open mind, and I know the power of love and compassion because in spite of the stance of the religious institution I did have faith and I did have good friends to help me through.

I specifically did NOT get into a committed straight relationship because I KNEW I was struggling with my identity - for some guys it's not that obvious until they realize what is going on.

I'm slowly getting to the point that I just don't care anymore about feeling guilty - I'm a big boy now and I'm either going to suffer or be happy and so I might as well be happy. Especially in this day and age where it seems that LGBT are starting on the tip of being accepted.

[elian]

..that is why this quote moves me so much.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeLDsBPSzYg. Because the combination of religious institutions and western society at large sometimes makes honest, loving people feel less than human. The quote is from a movie called "For The Bible Tells Me So" and if you have a religious background, or know someone who does it is highly recommended.

http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/media.htm

Bless you for trying to understand Emunahd, a lot of people would give up. Thank you for listening.

[gooniegoogoo]

Thanks, Darryl. The rant was a lot of "you can tell that guy was a fag because blah blah" and just derogatory in general. I don't want to give them any credence by repeating them. They were filthy.

I am so happy for you that you came here. You couldn't have come to a better place for advice. All I can say really that he's lucky to have you as a supportive and open girl. A bi man couldn't ask for more than that. Just be open and honest, I think that that is your best bet.

[Emunahd]

Elian....wow. Thanks for sharing. You have had a great deal to overcome. It is hard to trust, without fear, under the best circumstances. Keep working on it, and you will grow strong!

Goonie, thank you, as well. I need to take my own advice and be fearless...but I am not the only player, so....anyway! And yes, I am so glad I found this site. There are some horrible ones out there!

[Noboundaries]

Emun dear, can I assume your boyfriend is close to your age? 40-45 or so? His age plays a lot into his perspective of his own sexuality.

There is a book that came out a couple decades ago called "The Seasons of a Man's Life." It is still being published. I found it invaluable in my drug/alcohol counseling days to understand how men behave as they mature through very identifiable stages of adulthood. Men between the ages of 38 and 45 experience something called the "Age 40 Transition." The transitional phases are generally a little tumultuous for guys; up to 70% experience what they define as a "life crisis" because they make big changes in the infrastructure of their lives or completely choose a new life direction.

In the Age 40 Transition, often called the mid-life crisis, men start pursuing that which is most important to them because they realize their life is probably more than half over. Unfortunately they carry a lot of mental baggage, especially regrets. On the negative side regrets are what usually cause the divorce, sports car or motorcycle purchase, chasing younger women, etc. On the positive side when men regret missing their kid's life, time with their woman, vacations, etc, they start making room for those things. If your boyfriend fits the age range, even the age 50 transition (another subject entirely), and the active bisexual interest is something new, not something that has been active for years, it is most likely a result of the transition and his desire to include that activity in his life.

Unfortunately a lot of that mental baggage still includes how he is viewed by others. Between the ages of 28 and 38, the time when a guy historically succeeds in the eyes of others, what others think of him is VERY important. That carries over into the 40's and doesn't start to wane until a guy is in his late 40's or 50's. For some it never goes away.

Generally, no one in mainstream USA has grown up with a benevolent acceptance by society of LGBTs. All that social judgment baggage accumulated over the years weighs on your boyfriend's mind as evidence by your boyfriend's reaction to the friend's comments the other night. That's an issue of acceptance he's going to have to deal with as he actively behaves bisexually.

He's on a journey Emun. You happen to be on the journey with him. It sounds like he's struggling with his own bisexual desires. If he had a western religious upbringing or a family that condemned anything other than heterosexual relations, he's struggling with self-judgment, good vs evil (in his mind), etc. Understanding what he's going through is the first step. Being supportive, which you appear to be on all counts, is a huge step. Open communication is important but if he isn't the expressive type he probably doesn't know how to verbalize his feelings.

In any case Emun dear my best advice is Patience. The clock has a way of slowly revealing every answer to all your questions. You may want answers quicker, but they appear exactly when the time is right.

[Emunahd]

Noboundaries, thank you for your post. He is 47. Has been actively bisexual for at least the last 10 years that I am aware of, possibly longer. Catholic upbringing, need I say more, lol?

He is either afraid of "condemnation" for lack of a better word, by me and / or his peers. He may also enjoy the thrill of the double life. Probably a little of both. You are absolutely right when you advise patience. The universe knows what it's doing. Some days it is easier to deal with than others. He is a truly kind and generous human being...almost to a fault. While it is hard to stand by and wait and watch, knowing he is deceiving me, and "cheating" on me, I have such empathy for his situation that I am able to keep riding it out. I am doing all I can, through conversation and support, to let him know that I am open minded and accepting of bisexual and gay men-and women. I just can't bring myself to lay it on the table. He would likely take it as an attack. Better to trust in time and one day, the honesty will come. I will know when the moment is right to address it. I hope!

[Noboundaries]

Emunahd, I know you want answers to get your boyfriend to open up, but I'm going to take a little different approach. Feel free to tell me to go to hell because what I write is a typical guy approach where we try to fix things.

I read back through your posts and realized you and he are at the 2 year point in your relationship. All people go through interesting phases in relationships, especially the first two years. Women tend to get through the phases quicker than us guys, in as little as a year. Guys generally take the full two years, sometimes longer, to get through the phases for someone we care about deeply. For simplicity sake lets stick with two years.

First six months: infatuation. All is good and horny and new. The endorphins are rampant but each partner is actively wearing their dating game face.

Second six months: familiarity. Patterns of behavior and thought start to emerge that reveal what truly lies beneath the dating game face of each of the partners. If nothing is threatening or unacceptable and everyone is having fun, the relationship continues.

Third six months: testing. This is usually the time both partners start to expand and test the boundaries of the relationship, revealing more of the true inner self and less and less and less of the dating game face. Each partner is basically testing the other for unconditional acceptance.

Fourth six months: commitment. This is a bit of a struggle for both partners. Each has to decide if this is the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with, or at least continue the relationship with no end in sight. It is a natural tendency of all of us to want to know the outcome. Unfortunately our insecurities and personal issues can subconsciously steer the direction of the relationship to a familiar outcome, even if it is not the one we truly want.

You said earlier you have abandonment issues, plus you also naturally have cheating issues, which boils down to trust. He's struggling with his bisexuality from a religious upbringing by a church that has exhibited total sexual dysfunction. I always advised people to look in the mirror first to fix what you see before you try to fix someone else or you'll find yourself on a repetitive merry-go-round, continously repeating outcomes you do not want in future relationships.

Abandonment is a simple label with a variety of causes. You said your issues came from your husband of 23 years leaving you. Did you have abandonment issue before then due to a parental divorce or premature parental death? In your mind was your divorce all him or did you contribute in some way? There's no need to answer here, but it can be helpful if you determine how you contributed to the divorce. Fix that and the abandonment issues will probably disappear.

Maybe you've already accomplished that feat, which leaves you with the trust issues. Trust is the cornerstone of any solid, loving relationship. How can you trust someone who is sneaking around to fulfill his desires, regardless of what they are? You can't. You can seek understanding though and grow in the process. This is an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself, your boyfriend, and people in general. Look at it that way and you may find a whole new perspective on your relationship.

Okay, now tell me to go to hell.

[raven452]

Hello! I am new to the group and glad I found it! Are there any women here who are involved with a bisexual man? My boyfriend of almost 2 years is bisexual. Long story short, he doesn't know that I know. Found out on accident. I was using his computer one day, with his permission, and stumbled upon a cruising site, as well as some emails arranging liasions.

I am supportive of him, and want to talk to him to let him know that not only am I ok with it, but am also open to playing with him and another man from time to time. There is a lot of history behind this. When I first found out, he denied it, I think for fear I would leave him. I have not brought it up again, but I am sure he has been cruising. I love him, and want there to be honest communication between us. Would love some advice on how to approach it so as not to appear accusatory or threatening. Thank you!!!



yes just set down and explain what you know and tell him your supportive and that you would enjoy a threesome w him and another guy and maybe be willing to try bi yourself.:bipride:

[funlyfriend]

Hello! I am new to the group and glad I found it! Are there any women here who are involved with a bisexual man? My boyfriend of almost 2 years is bisexual. Long story short, he doesn't know that I know. Found out on accident. I was using his computer one day, with his permission, and stumbled upon a cruising site, as well as some emails arranging liasions.

I am supportive of him, and want to talk to him to let him know that not only am I ok with it, but am also open to playing with him and another man from time to time. There is a lot of history behind this. When I first found out, he denied it, I think for fear I would leave him. I have not brought it up again, but I am sure he has been cruising. I love him, and want there to be honest communication between us. Would love some advice on how to approach it so as not to appear accusatory or threatening. Thank you!!!

hey just let him know you think bisexuals are ok with you. when he realizes you are not goin gto leave him he will come around. I have met many men who thought their wives would freak, when all a long they suspected and loved it.

[Emunahd]

Noboundaries, I will not tell you to go to hell, because you are right and you made very valid points. As for abandonment...my mother left me and my dad when I was 5, so...yeah. I don't let people go. Even when I should. I am learning a great deal about myself as I go through this relationship, that's for sure!!

He's a good man. And I have a lot of patience. Right now, I get more good than harm. I am learning to be open and to not have fear. It's just taking a long ass time, lol!!

I really do appreciate all the support. Not sure how I managed before finding this site!

[Emunahd]

Funly and raven, thanks to you both. I am directing the conversation in that direction whenever possible!!

[foreverbi]

I wish I did have a boy/man friend, but I'm afraid my wife just wouldn't understand,:male::(:bipride:

[dobu1]

Frankly, emun, I'll just have to say that this relationship doesn't seem very healthy, if your boyfriend feels the need to hide something this important from you. It doesn't really matter if he gets off on leading a double life, or in words less kind, if he gets off by lying to you. All because his actions are understandable doesn't mean they're that great.

You would want to get checked over for STDs' if you think your boyfriend is having sex with anyone else but you.

This isn't a rant against non-monogamy; I suppose you can call it a caution against the risk of it.

--db :bipride: