glantern954
May 7, 2006, 9:03 AM
I have been struggling with some of the stuff mentioned below and thought I would post this for anyone else who might be feeling the same way.
The paragraphs below originally appeared in the book Bisexuality:
The Psychology and Politics of an Invisible Minority. Ed. Beth A.
Firestein, pp. 217-239. (Sage, 1996)
INTERNALIZED BIPHOBIA
Biphobia does not only come from the outside.
Internalized biphobia can be powerful, sometimes overpowering, and
the experience of isolation, illegitimacy, shame, and confusion felt
by many bisexuals can be disempowering, even disabling. What
contributes to internalized biphobia and how does internalized
biphobia manifest?
Even today, with modest improvements in this area,
there are few role models available to bisexual individuals. An
individual coming to terms with a bisexual identity is likely to
feel a powerful sense of isolation. Bisexuals are rarely mentioned
or represented in mainstream or in the lesbian and gay media. In
most parts of the United States, there are no organized groups for
bisexual people. Except in the largest cities, one cannot walk into
a neighborhood bookstore and find resources on bisexuality. Due to
bisexual invisibility and the paucity of bisexual role models or
bisexual community, most bisexuals develop and maintain their
bisexual identities in isolation.
Most bisexuals spend a majority of their time in the
community that corresponds with the sex of their romantic partner.
This can result in a sense of discontinuity if we change partners
and our next partner is of a different sex, or if we shift back and
forth between two differing communities over time. Other bisexuals
have a strong social affiliation with either a heterosexual,
lesbian, or gay community. This can result in another set of
conflicts: a feeling that if our partner is not of the "correct"
sex, that we are in some way doing a disservice to our community,
with resulting feelings of guilt or shame at having `betrayed' our
friends and community. Several of the contributors to anthologies
of writings by bisexuals discuss the isolation, confusion, fear,
shame, and denial that they experienced upon discovering their
attraction to people of the "wrong" sex. (e.g., Aranow, 1991;
Blasingame, 1992; Bryant, 1991; A. Fox, 1991; LeGrant, 1991; Ochs,
1991, 1992; Utz, 1991; Young, 1992).
Many people privately identify as bisexual, but to
avoid conflict and preserve their ties to a treasured community,
choose to label themselves publicly as lesbian, gay, or straight,
further contributing to bisexual invisibility. These women and men
feel terror at the thought of being cast out or ostracized from the
community from which they derive their support, nourishment, and
sense of self. Especially among lesbian- and gay-identified
bisexuals, this feeling that claiming a bisexual identity can be
very powerful, leading bisexuals to feel like imposters, outsiders,
or second-class citizens in both lesbian/gay and heterosexual
communities. Bisexuals frequently experience themselves as existing
in two different worlds and not fully fitting in either, what
Rebecca Shuster (1991) has termed "a feeling of political and
personal homelessness" (p. 267).
Therefore, it is not surprising that some bisexuals
feel that their bisexual desire is more a burden than a gift in
their life. They may feel a pressure or a wish to make a choice
between heterosexuality and homosexuality to make their lives easier
and avoid internal and external conflict. Many desire the ease they
imagine would come with having one clear, fixed, socially acceptable
identity. As one woman said, "Being bisexual is a major conflict in
my life. It involves more pain than pleasure. ... I would prefer to
be one or the other. I don't care which. I would just like one
clear identity. That would be a lot simpler." (quoted in Zipkin,
1992, p. 59)
Clearly, issues of shame pervade the difficulties
bisexuals face in attempting to form a positive, well-integrated
bisexual identity. Because an individual member of an oppressed
group is frequently seen as representative of all of the members of
that group, a bisexual-identified person may feel a sense of shame
when any bisexual person behaves in such a way as to reinforce
negative stereotypes of bisexual people. Furthermore, a bisexual
individual may feel a profound sense of shame when her own behavior
happens to mirror one of the existing stereotypes of bisexual. For
example, a woman leaving a relationship with a woman who
subsequently gets involved with a man might feel a strong sense of
guilt that she is reinforcing the negative stereotypes held about
bisexuals in general. In a comparable manner, a man who is
nonmonogamous in his relationships might feel a compounded sense of
guilt, both because mainstream culture looks negatively upon
individuals of any sexual orientation who choose to live a
polyamorous lifestyle, and because his personal actions feed an
existing stereotype of bisexuals. Individuals in such situations
may feel that they are in some way betraying their entire identity
group. Although some bisexual people do behave in ways which
conform to negative stereotypes about bisexuals, it is actually the
dynamics of prejudice that cause others to use such actions to
justify their stereotyping and prejudicial behavior.
Ironically, bisexual individuals in monogamous
relationships may also experience difficulties, feeling that their
maintenance of a bisexual identity constitutes a double betrayal of
both their community of primary identification (whether heterosexual
or homosexual), and of their partner. Alternatively, the partner of
the bisexual person may feel that a bisexual person's decision to
continue to identify as bisexual, despite the fact of being in a
monogamous relationship, is somehow a withholding of full commitment
to the relationship. The bisexual person may be perceived as
holding onto the possibility of other relationships by maintaining a
bisexual identity and, therefore, not fully committed to the current
relationship. This overlooks the fact that one's identity is, in
actuality, separate from particular choices made about relationship
involvement or monogamy. For example, a heterosexual's ability to
establish and maintain a committed relationship with one person is
not assumed to falter even though the person retains a sexual
identity as "heterosexual" and may admit to feeling attractions to
other people despite his or her committed status.
This pressure can come not only from one's lover,
but also from parents or other interested parties who want the
bisexual person to stop "holding out" or a feeling that the bisexual
person is making much ado about nothing by holding onto his or her
bisexual identity. A bisexual in this position may feel a great
deal of guilt and self-doubt, which can manifest as identity "flip-
flopping." A woman may say, "If I am in love with a man, then
perhaps I am really straight." If, some years later she is involved
with a woman she may then say, "If I am in love with a woman, I must
really be a lesbian" The road to a positive, affirming bisexual
identity is a long and arduous journey. Our conditioning,
invisibility, and the negative images which surround us make it
extremely difficult to feel an unqualified sense of pride in ours
bisexuality.
SUGGESTIONS FOR CHANGE
Given the myriad obstacles, both internal and
external, discussed above, how can a bisexual person come to a
positive bisexual identity? According to therapist A. Fox (1991),
the necessary ingredients are "permission, recognition, validation,
support and (ideally) community acceptance" (p. 34). These factors
must come primarily from inside oneself, but external acceptance and
validation are also extremely important. Having the opportunity to
make a connection with other bisexual people is usually a pivotal
event for individuals struggling to come to terms with their
bisexual identity. Such contact helps people by contradicting their
feelings of isolation and imparting a vital sense of empowerment.
One way this may be accomplished by involvement in a bisexual or bi-
supportive organization (Ambrosino, 1991; Arnesen, 1991; Brown,
1991; Nelson, 1991; Ochs, 1991; Schneider, 1991; Woodard, 1991;
Zipkin, 1992). For those who live in areas that have existing
organizations, this is relatively easy to accomplish. Those who
live in isolated areas are not, however, without resources. There
are now bisexual newsletters and publications such as the Bisexual
Resource Guide, electronic mail lists for bisexuals, and several
books presenting the experiences of bisexuals, such as Bi Any Other
Name: Bisexual People Speak Out, edited by Loraine Hutchins and Lani
Ka'ahumanu (1991) and Closer to Home: Bisexuality and Feminism,
edited by Elizabeth Reba Weise (1992). Validation and support can
also come from friends, therapists, and other service providers who
are able to affirm and fully validate a bisexual person's identity,
relationships, and choices.
Silence kills. I encourage bisexual people to come
out as bisexual to the maximum extent that they can do so safely.
Life in the closet takes an enormous toll on our emotional well-
being. Bisexuals must remember that neither bisexuals nor gays and
lesbians created heterosexism, and that as bisexuals, we are its
victims as well as potential beneficiaries. Although we must be
aware of when we, as bisexuals, sometimes have privileges that have
been denied to gays, lesbians, and transgendered persons of any
orientation, this simply calls for us to make thoughtful decisions
about how to live our lives. We did not create the inequities, and
we must not feel guilty for who we are; we need only be responsible
for what we do.
All of us, bisexual, lesbian, gay and transgendered,
must resist getting lost in the "divide and conquer" strategy that
we are invited to participate in by the dominant culture. There is
no long-term benefit in creating a hierarchy of oppressions.
Bisexuals, along with lesbians, gay men, and supportive
heterosexuals, can only gain by opening up our minds and hearts to
celebrate the true diversity that exists among us. Our movement
must not limit itself to constructing a space of acceptance for
homosexual relationships only when they are an exact mirror image of
traditional heterosexual relationships; rather, its potential
strength lies in creating a space where the full spectrum of our
relationships is respected and valued, including those that are
unlike our own, and including those which we do not personally
understand and would not choose for ourselves. We must remember
how unique each person is, and also how much we share in common.
Labels can unite us, but they can also stifle us and constrict our
thinking when we forget that they are merely tools. Human beings
are complex, and labels will never be adequate to the task of
accurately representing us. It is impossible to reduce a lifetime
of experience to a single word.
If biphobia and homophobia are not allowed to blind
us we can move beyond our fears and learn to value our differences
as well as our similarities. Pretending to be other than we really
are, or trying to force others to pretend to be other than they
really are, will not, in the long term, make any of us safer.
The paragraphs below originally appeared in the book Bisexuality:
The Psychology and Politics of an Invisible Minority. Ed. Beth A.
Firestein, pp. 217-239. (Sage, 1996)
INTERNALIZED BIPHOBIA
Biphobia does not only come from the outside.
Internalized biphobia can be powerful, sometimes overpowering, and
the experience of isolation, illegitimacy, shame, and confusion felt
by many bisexuals can be disempowering, even disabling. What
contributes to internalized biphobia and how does internalized
biphobia manifest?
Even today, with modest improvements in this area,
there are few role models available to bisexual individuals. An
individual coming to terms with a bisexual identity is likely to
feel a powerful sense of isolation. Bisexuals are rarely mentioned
or represented in mainstream or in the lesbian and gay media. In
most parts of the United States, there are no organized groups for
bisexual people. Except in the largest cities, one cannot walk into
a neighborhood bookstore and find resources on bisexuality. Due to
bisexual invisibility and the paucity of bisexual role models or
bisexual community, most bisexuals develop and maintain their
bisexual identities in isolation.
Most bisexuals spend a majority of their time in the
community that corresponds with the sex of their romantic partner.
This can result in a sense of discontinuity if we change partners
and our next partner is of a different sex, or if we shift back and
forth between two differing communities over time. Other bisexuals
have a strong social affiliation with either a heterosexual,
lesbian, or gay community. This can result in another set of
conflicts: a feeling that if our partner is not of the "correct"
sex, that we are in some way doing a disservice to our community,
with resulting feelings of guilt or shame at having `betrayed' our
friends and community. Several of the contributors to anthologies
of writings by bisexuals discuss the isolation, confusion, fear,
shame, and denial that they experienced upon discovering their
attraction to people of the "wrong" sex. (e.g., Aranow, 1991;
Blasingame, 1992; Bryant, 1991; A. Fox, 1991; LeGrant, 1991; Ochs,
1991, 1992; Utz, 1991; Young, 1992).
Many people privately identify as bisexual, but to
avoid conflict and preserve their ties to a treasured community,
choose to label themselves publicly as lesbian, gay, or straight,
further contributing to bisexual invisibility. These women and men
feel terror at the thought of being cast out or ostracized from the
community from which they derive their support, nourishment, and
sense of self. Especially among lesbian- and gay-identified
bisexuals, this feeling that claiming a bisexual identity can be
very powerful, leading bisexuals to feel like imposters, outsiders,
or second-class citizens in both lesbian/gay and heterosexual
communities. Bisexuals frequently experience themselves as existing
in two different worlds and not fully fitting in either, what
Rebecca Shuster (1991) has termed "a feeling of political and
personal homelessness" (p. 267).
Therefore, it is not surprising that some bisexuals
feel that their bisexual desire is more a burden than a gift in
their life. They may feel a pressure or a wish to make a choice
between heterosexuality and homosexuality to make their lives easier
and avoid internal and external conflict. Many desire the ease they
imagine would come with having one clear, fixed, socially acceptable
identity. As one woman said, "Being bisexual is a major conflict in
my life. It involves more pain than pleasure. ... I would prefer to
be one or the other. I don't care which. I would just like one
clear identity. That would be a lot simpler." (quoted in Zipkin,
1992, p. 59)
Clearly, issues of shame pervade the difficulties
bisexuals face in attempting to form a positive, well-integrated
bisexual identity. Because an individual member of an oppressed
group is frequently seen as representative of all of the members of
that group, a bisexual-identified person may feel a sense of shame
when any bisexual person behaves in such a way as to reinforce
negative stereotypes of bisexual people. Furthermore, a bisexual
individual may feel a profound sense of shame when her own behavior
happens to mirror one of the existing stereotypes of bisexual. For
example, a woman leaving a relationship with a woman who
subsequently gets involved with a man might feel a strong sense of
guilt that she is reinforcing the negative stereotypes held about
bisexuals in general. In a comparable manner, a man who is
nonmonogamous in his relationships might feel a compounded sense of
guilt, both because mainstream culture looks negatively upon
individuals of any sexual orientation who choose to live a
polyamorous lifestyle, and because his personal actions feed an
existing stereotype of bisexuals. Individuals in such situations
may feel that they are in some way betraying their entire identity
group. Although some bisexual people do behave in ways which
conform to negative stereotypes about bisexuals, it is actually the
dynamics of prejudice that cause others to use such actions to
justify their stereotyping and prejudicial behavior.
Ironically, bisexual individuals in monogamous
relationships may also experience difficulties, feeling that their
maintenance of a bisexual identity constitutes a double betrayal of
both their community of primary identification (whether heterosexual
or homosexual), and of their partner. Alternatively, the partner of
the bisexual person may feel that a bisexual person's decision to
continue to identify as bisexual, despite the fact of being in a
monogamous relationship, is somehow a withholding of full commitment
to the relationship. The bisexual person may be perceived as
holding onto the possibility of other relationships by maintaining a
bisexual identity and, therefore, not fully committed to the current
relationship. This overlooks the fact that one's identity is, in
actuality, separate from particular choices made about relationship
involvement or monogamy. For example, a heterosexual's ability to
establish and maintain a committed relationship with one person is
not assumed to falter even though the person retains a sexual
identity as "heterosexual" and may admit to feeling attractions to
other people despite his or her committed status.
This pressure can come not only from one's lover,
but also from parents or other interested parties who want the
bisexual person to stop "holding out" or a feeling that the bisexual
person is making much ado about nothing by holding onto his or her
bisexual identity. A bisexual in this position may feel a great
deal of guilt and self-doubt, which can manifest as identity "flip-
flopping." A woman may say, "If I am in love with a man, then
perhaps I am really straight." If, some years later she is involved
with a woman she may then say, "If I am in love with a woman, I must
really be a lesbian" The road to a positive, affirming bisexual
identity is a long and arduous journey. Our conditioning,
invisibility, and the negative images which surround us make it
extremely difficult to feel an unqualified sense of pride in ours
bisexuality.
SUGGESTIONS FOR CHANGE
Given the myriad obstacles, both internal and
external, discussed above, how can a bisexual person come to a
positive bisexual identity? According to therapist A. Fox (1991),
the necessary ingredients are "permission, recognition, validation,
support and (ideally) community acceptance" (p. 34). These factors
must come primarily from inside oneself, but external acceptance and
validation are also extremely important. Having the opportunity to
make a connection with other bisexual people is usually a pivotal
event for individuals struggling to come to terms with their
bisexual identity. Such contact helps people by contradicting their
feelings of isolation and imparting a vital sense of empowerment.
One way this may be accomplished by involvement in a bisexual or bi-
supportive organization (Ambrosino, 1991; Arnesen, 1991; Brown,
1991; Nelson, 1991; Ochs, 1991; Schneider, 1991; Woodard, 1991;
Zipkin, 1992). For those who live in areas that have existing
organizations, this is relatively easy to accomplish. Those who
live in isolated areas are not, however, without resources. There
are now bisexual newsletters and publications such as the Bisexual
Resource Guide, electronic mail lists for bisexuals, and several
books presenting the experiences of bisexuals, such as Bi Any Other
Name: Bisexual People Speak Out, edited by Loraine Hutchins and Lani
Ka'ahumanu (1991) and Closer to Home: Bisexuality and Feminism,
edited by Elizabeth Reba Weise (1992). Validation and support can
also come from friends, therapists, and other service providers who
are able to affirm and fully validate a bisexual person's identity,
relationships, and choices.
Silence kills. I encourage bisexual people to come
out as bisexual to the maximum extent that they can do so safely.
Life in the closet takes an enormous toll on our emotional well-
being. Bisexuals must remember that neither bisexuals nor gays and
lesbians created heterosexism, and that as bisexuals, we are its
victims as well as potential beneficiaries. Although we must be
aware of when we, as bisexuals, sometimes have privileges that have
been denied to gays, lesbians, and transgendered persons of any
orientation, this simply calls for us to make thoughtful decisions
about how to live our lives. We did not create the inequities, and
we must not feel guilty for who we are; we need only be responsible
for what we do.
All of us, bisexual, lesbian, gay and transgendered,
must resist getting lost in the "divide and conquer" strategy that
we are invited to participate in by the dominant culture. There is
no long-term benefit in creating a hierarchy of oppressions.
Bisexuals, along with lesbians, gay men, and supportive
heterosexuals, can only gain by opening up our minds and hearts to
celebrate the true diversity that exists among us. Our movement
must not limit itself to constructing a space of acceptance for
homosexual relationships only when they are an exact mirror image of
traditional heterosexual relationships; rather, its potential
strength lies in creating a space where the full spectrum of our
relationships is respected and valued, including those that are
unlike our own, and including those which we do not personally
understand and would not choose for ourselves. We must remember
how unique each person is, and also how much we share in common.
Labels can unite us, but they can also stifle us and constrict our
thinking when we forget that they are merely tools. Human beings
are complex, and labels will never be adequate to the task of
accurately representing us. It is impossible to reduce a lifetime
of experience to a single word.
If biphobia and homophobia are not allowed to blind
us we can move beyond our fears and learn to value our differences
as well as our similarities. Pretending to be other than we really
are, or trying to force others to pretend to be other than they
really are, will not, in the long term, make any of us safer.