is it time to transition?

[orangebanana]

Please read I’m desperate for advice,

I have been going through this ongoing event that always tends to happen. I am in a serious 2 year relationship with a man that I love dearly. He has by far been the sweetest and the best match for me I have ever met. His personality is the perfect personality to mesh with.
I have had 3 other relationships prior to him, all over a year long. The one previously before my current boyfriend I had a child with. We separated because we were not working out. I started dating women and through the two relationships I went through, both women left me for men. I feel like I was trying to step out there and go with how I feel, and not how I was raised. I wanted to be with a woman, it just didn’t seem to work. Then I met my current boyfriend and we have been together ever since.
He has grown up with my daughter pretty much. Since she was one she has grown to love him and know him entirely. He has also come around to loving her as if she was his own. It breaks my heart when I look at women and long to just hold someone’s hand. Because I know I have the perfect little family at home. I work all day and everyday it becomes harder and harder.
I find myself distancing away from my boyfriend, avoiding all talk that pertains towards the future. I’m unsure of what to do.
I have always loved women. I am highly awkward around women because I check them out instead of just looking at their accessories or clothes. I look at how they smile, they walk, talk everything. I have ALWAYS imagined a woman during sex in order for me to even orgasm. My porn preference is women with women. I have even fantasized about women that come into my work on a regular basis. And now I’m becoming more involved in the gay community to feel more comfortable about possible coming out of the closet. Recently I met this girl that I am just in crush mode with. She is all out lesbian, and I find myself to be confident when I’m with her. She makes me feel normal and safe, like its ok for me to be me.
My boyfriend is absolutely in love with me though. It took me 5 months to dump my ex and that was with therapy to give me that push. My current boyfriend is a whole other story, His family thinks we will be married my family wants us to be married and already considers him a son-in-law. Everyone thinks we are staying together forever. I do not know how much more I can manage. I love him as a person and who he is; if he just was a woman he would be perfect.
So my questions are:
Am I avoiding commitment because I fear the future?
Am I really a lesbian?
Should I dump my boyfriend now before my daughter gets any older and just more attached?
Or should I just accept my life as it is now and appreciate what I have?
Will I be happy in 20 years if I never take action of my preferred interest?

:) sincerely smiles

[Caaveman]

Please read I’m desperate for advice,

I have been going through this ongoing event that always tends to happen. I am in a serious 2 year relationship with a man that I love dearly. He has by far been the sweetest and the best match for me I have ever met. His personality is the perfect personality to mesh with.
I have had 3 other relationships prior to him, all over a year long. The one previously before my current boyfriend I had a child with. We separated because we were not working out. I started dating women and through the two relationships I went through, both women left me for men. I feel like I was trying to step out there and go with how I feel, and not how I was raised. I wanted to be with a woman, it just didn’t seem to work. Then I met my current boyfriend and we have been together ever since.
He has grown up with my daughter pretty much. Since she was one she has grown to love him and know him entirely. He has also come around to loving her as if she was his own. It breaks my heart when I look at women and long to just hold someone’s hand. Because I know I have the perfect little family at home. I work all day and everyday it becomes harder and harder.
I find myself distancing away from my boyfriend, avoiding all talk that pertains towards the future. I’m unsure of what to do.
I have always loved women. I am highly awkward around women because I check them out instead of just looking at their accessories or clothes. I look at how they smile, they walk, talk everything. I have ALWAYS imagined a woman during sex in order for me to even orgasm. My porn preference is women with women. I have even fantasized about women that come into my work on a regular basis. And now I’m becoming more involved in the gay community to feel more comfortable about possible coming out of the closet. Recently I met this girl that I am just in crush mode with. She is all out lesbian, and I find myself to be confident when I’m with her. She makes me feel normal and safe, like its ok for me to be me.
My boyfriend is absolutely in love with me though. It took me 5 months to dump my ex and that was with therapy to give me that push. My current boyfriend is a whole other story, His family thinks we will be married my family wants us to be married and already considers him a son-in-law. Everyone thinks we are staying together forever. I do not know how much more I can manage. I love him as a person and who he is; if he just was a woman he would be perfect.
So my questions are:
Am I avoiding commitment because I fear the future?
Am I really a lesbian?
Should I dump my boyfriend now before my daughter gets any older and just more attached?
Or should I just accept my life as it is now and appreciate what I have?
Will I be happy in 20 years if I never take action of my preferred interest?

:) sincerely smiles

Well, I'm probably the most usless one here to be giving advice, but you ask for it. You should always be true to you, but you should also be honest with him. Who knows, if you tell him how you feel about wanting to be with a woman y'all may can come to a compramise that would be of benifit to both of you. And I have to say that as much as I hate to hear about anyone having family problems, I have to say that If that child is that close to him, then it's her that will suffer the most if it comes to a breakup. I just think that you should talk this through with him before you start making decisions thinking that you can only have one or the other. If you are already thinking about leaving him, then you have nothing to loose by telling him this along with the reason why and letting him help make the final decision.

Am I avoiding commitment because I fear the future?
Only you can decide that, but in oppinion Yes.

Am I really a lesbian?
I doubt it, I mean something seemingly attracts you to a man from time to time too.

Should I dump my boyfriend now before my daughter gets any older and just more attached?
Only if you are sure about wanting to not be around him anymore, as the lingering even after a choice is made will only further tear her (the daughter) apart.

Or should I just accept my life as it is now and appreciate what I have?
No, there need to be some change, but you two may find an arrangement that will keep you three under the same roof, and still let you have your time with another women (posably even all four under one roof). Just talk it out (with him) before you make any hasty, or rash decisions.

Will I be happy in 20 years if I never take action of my preferred interest?
No, you will always wonder, but if you don't talk with him, and make the choice all by yourself then you will (at some point) wonder if you could have had the best of both worlds.

That's just MHO.
Hope that helps atleast a bit, and I wish y'all the best of luck what ever you choose, especially the daughter.

[Realist]

OB, I'm afraid you've asked a lot of questions that you already know the answer to!

I can only tell you that I did almost the same thing. I married a girl who everyone, but me, thought was the perfect match for me! I was with her for 23 years, even though I knew soon after we married that I'd never love her. It wasn't fair to her, or me, but I stuck it out as long as I could.

From my vantage point, I can see that you've got some hard decisions to make. And, I will only say this....if you make the wrong decisions, now, you will never be happy! Sometimes, you just have to do what is best for you! When you settle for less than you know you want and need.........it's doubtful that you will ever feel as everyone else thinks you should.

Life's a mess, sometimes, isn't it?

[bizel]

hi orange, take a deep breath. what's on the surface, what's shown to the world, no matter how perfect, is not what counts. everyone else doesn't matter, only primarily you, and then your daughter and partner. to live in a less-than-satisfying relationship is to teach your daughter to settle. i'm not talking about compromising etc. i'm talking settling for less and being disappointed long term. your daughter deserves a better example.

having said that, when two people truly love each other, they want each other to be happy. this doesn't mean your partner must step aside and his wishes don't count. it means talk to him. stop distancing yourself from him. if he truly loves you he will listen. he may be shocked at first - either from hearing you're having all these issues and he's totally unaware, or from you wanting women. he may feel confronted and need time to disgest what you say. you don't mention if he knew you were dating women. he deserves to know what's really going on in your head cos it affects him as well. he may want to support your needs (once he gets over the shock- if it is a shock to him). either way, you need to sort out your sexuality. to ignore it further is to enter a waiting game. this won't go away, it may explode later. are you emotionally committed to him? you say he loves you deeply - but do you love him deeply? how important is this relationship to you? would having female sex on the side (with his consent) satisfy the need? or do you need a committed relationship with a woman?

i wouldn't settle any longer, if that's what i felt i was doing. life is short, live a genuine life for your daughter and partner (whatever gender that needs to be). if people around you chuck wobblies over your decision, at least you know you have been honest. their reactions are related to their problems with it - not yours. ignore them. they don't count in the long run. you owe it to yourself to explore this need. remember, you are living your life for you, not for him. hug, b.

[orangebanana]

thank you so much Bizel!!!! I feel like you truly have given me some great advice =]

[JudasPreistlover]

I don't know but it sounds like you love your boyfriend so you shouldn't hurt him. I think tell him you have these feelings and want to experiment he will probably understand and you could have everything you dream of.

[Darkside2009]

You sound as though you are talking about trading in your old car for a new one, instead of dealing with another person's emotions and feelings. My old volvo gets me everywhere I want to go in safety and comfort, I love it, it is perfect, except it isn't a Ferrari. :rolleyes:

[Romalotti]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm a guy in a relationship with a woman where we BOTH have kids from prior relationships. We are all very close and everyone thinks that marriage is on the horizon. But I can't get over the realization that my true passion lies with men. Breaking up with her would devastate a lot of people, including our children. Stay in touch because it would really help me to find out how you handle this.

[love1234]

As you already seem to know, girl with girl relationships normally don't last a long time. I'm kind of older and the gay males wanted them (lesbians) out of their gay bars because all the cheating, fighting and drama. When gay males think lesbians cheat, fight and have too much drama well you know these relationships in general are not going all that well. Gay males were so happy when the ladies started their own bars and clubs!!

I have been long time friends with many gay males and many gay females some for many decades. Truthfully I can't thing of any couple that I was friends with that lasted.

So it comes down to sex. Do you want to toss away a good guy that you love dearly, crush your daughter, toss your life into an up roar because of sex? Plus the odds are this hot sex will not last all that long.

Could you have this hot sex and keep your home life?

[maxtor]

you need to come out to him...lay the cards on the table and see how it plays out. you may be surprised at his reaction cause a lot of men would think that that is hot and would love to accommodate your desires. then you will have your cake and eat it too....just that small thing of telling him that you like woment too but still love him but that you have desires for him and a woman partner occasionally. i know if my girlfriend was to tell me that she has desires to be with a woman but still in love with me then i would tell her to invite a woman over and we can go from there. he can either not join in or join in, with the approval of the other woman of course, but usually another bi woman would love a man to help out.

[orangebanana]

Thank you everyone for you replies!
This is helping me so much.
after all this advice, i feel like the best thing to do is to have an honest serious talk with him, despite if he wants to or not. Tell him how I feel and see how he feels about it. I do not want to have threesome's or any of that. I want to keep my desires separate from each other. I do not know if that is odd, but it is what I want. So hopefully he is comfortable with me wanting to go out and have girls nights and do a little more than a normal girls night. If he is not comfortable with it, then I will see where to go from there. Please continue to give me advice because every post helps me be more confident in becoming who I want to truly be!


Thank you! =]