I need help. I have a girlfriend, but I think I might be gay.

[Romalotti]

I need help. I'm in a very difficult situation right now and I don't know how to handle it. I have a complicated sexual history, but to summarize it: I've always been much more sexually attracted to men than women. However, I've been much more emotionally attracted to women than men. Fooling around with a guy has just been a fun activity to 'get off', but my couple of attempts at actually dating a man made me feel really uncomfortable & disastrous. I married a woman who I was completely satisfied with in every way, we divorced after five years however.

I have been dating a girl for about a year who is fantastic in every way. I really thought that we'd eventually get married and spend our lives together. Last week, I ran into a guy I knew in high school. I had dated this guy and he was the only man I've ever had feelings for. Throughout the years since I knew him, I dismissed my 'feelings' for him as just teenage hormones and the result of my first gay experience. But since I've been talking to him again, I think I still have feelings for him that go beyond nostalgia. He has never really gotten over me, and he has recently gotten out of a long-term relationship (with a man, he's completely gay) and has made it clear that he would like to date me if I was available.

My girlfriend knows a little about my bisexuality, but I'm sure she's not aware of just how strong my sexual interest in men really is. I love her, but my feelings for my high school boyfriend won't go away. I don't know if I should tell her about my new feelings, or try to protect her and work it our on my own. I'm just afraid that if I continue on, I'll end up cheating on her with this guy while trying to 'work out my feelings'. I don't know how I'd feel being in a gay relationship, I feel much more comfortable and natural in a relationship with a woman. Also I have this feeling that since she & I are so close, breaking up with her would destroy her life, and can I really do that especially when it might be all for nothing anyway (since I've never been in a real gay partnership, I just don't know if I would like it or not).

This situation is eating away at me. Everyday that I talk to this guy, I feel closer to him and I feel like I'm having some kind of emotional affair. Am I gay? Am I bisexual and confused? What should I do before this all escalates into something insane?

[Long Duck Dong]

you are whatever you wish to label yourself as...... gay, bisexual, etc

but the label is not going to help you..... its a bit like the label on a can of soup, it tells you its chicken soup, but it doesn't tell you what it actually tastes like and it can be foul tasting chicken soup.....

what you are, is a person that is struggling with the right choices to make and needing answers that only you can really give yourself.....

you have a choice, to act on your emotions and desires, or not... to hold that which you have, or to reach out to that which you have can...and like the chicken soup, you have no idea if it tastes better or worse than the chicken soup you have tried already

personally, I would suggest you talk about things with your partner, she knows somethings and may know more that she lets on.....

be honest, say you are struggling with emotions, feelings and desires, ask her opinion on what she would do and how she would handle it... let her know that you value her opinion and thoughts as your partner, as your goal is not to hurt anybody, and at the same time, not be torn apart by your own feelings, desires and emotions.... tell her your dreams and desires about marriage and being together long term, and how being with her feels so right and natural and you now are realising that being a bisexual is not all about sex with both genders, it can be a lot more......

it is possible that your female partner may be more understanding and accepting of you that you realise, and may say, baby, if you take my hand and walk with me, I am happy to let you take his hand and mine so we can all walk together and all be happy......

the trouble with that, is you may have a choice to make, a choice between one or the other, not cos you are told to choose, but cos you come to a point that you find you are more drawn to one than the other.... and that is very hard.....

there are questions that will come up like, will your female partner be ok with you having a male lover, and vice versa... and issues like can you love both equally and have time for both... and will they be ok with each other sharing you.... and do you want to be shared by two people......

cheating can work as a way of working out your feelings, thoughts and desires... and cheating can also cost you everything.... and hurt everybody in the process.....

if you can, is it possible to get to the point where you sit down with 2 both and talk about the dilemma you have inside..... it shows respect, love and caring for everybody concerned.... and may lead to the chance to have a very special and profound experience... some of the site members have experience with polyarmous relationships and found that it was a experience that worked beyond their wildest dreams......

but its not all about sex, as you have shown, its also about love, desire, attraction and consideration.... and learning just how emotions can really send us into a tail spin when we are torn between two lovers and have no idea what decision is the right one to make......

[Romalotti]

Well I know that I'm not completely gay, mainly because of my 5-year marriage to a woman who I was completely emotionally & sexually satisfied with. I also know that not only would my girlfriend absolutely NOT be OK with this guy becoming part of a three-way relationship, I know that I wouldn't want something like that. I believe that a monogamous relationship would be the only thing for me.

I want to talk to her about this, but I feel bad because before we got together I told her I had tried dating guys and it 'wasn't for me'. Which was true at the time. Now with my former boyfriend resurfacing, I find myself daydreaming of having a life with him and it scares me. If I talk to her about my change of feelings, what reason could I possibly give for the change? She would be devastated to learn that talking to an ex-boyfriend brought these feelings out in me. Yet I don't want to lie. Man, this is difficult.

[Neonaught]

I agree with everything LDD said (well put sir!), but I am deeply concerned about how you describe your girlfriend's emotional dependence. A dating, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should include the option to date others otherwise you might as well be married. If one party wants exclusivity and the other doesn't, I don't think it is right for the dissenter to be guilt-tripped into agreeing. That's bad for everyone in the long run. You said "Breaking up with her would destroy her life". That troubles me. It sounds like the old psycho partner dodge "If you leave me I'll kill myself!!!". If your girlfriend is so emotionally fragile maybe you should be considering wether or not you want to be responsible for her mental well-being for the rest of your life.

In your place I would wish to explore the possibility with your high school friend a bit more deeply. You are dating this young lady not married to her. By all means (as LDD said) be honest about it, but if either of them gets their back up about the other...well, all I can say is "Danger Will Robinson! Danger!!!". Anyone that is *that* controlling is not someone who will make a good life partner unless you are willing to be controlled. Unless you already consider yourself defacto married, why not explore other possible relationships? That's what the time before marriage is for. If something that makes you more happy comes along, denying it because you don't want to hurt someone else's feelings, while noble, smacks of bondage to me. You might also end up experiencing so much regret later that it taints your relationship with this lady. I wish you luck and a calm mind.

[Romalotti]

You're right about the whole 'we might as well be married' thing. We have had such a good relationship up to this point, she has made little references here & there that she wants to be with me forever. I kinda feel like I am married, almost. Also, she has two children from previous relationships and I'm very close to them. If I broke up with her, I almost feel like I'd be tearing a family apart. I know she wouldn't get psychotic or anything if we broke up, but it would feel like the equivalent of dropping a ton of bricks on her. I love her very much and I've never caused someone that much pain before. I don't know if I could go through with it. But I am aware that it could come to that, especially since I have found myself infatuated with my ex-boyfriend.

I know I should talk to her, but I'm really afraid to. I'm concerned that she'll just want to break up with me before I know what I really want. Then I've lost her forever.

[sixthickcut]

u r bi
just luv women and fuck men
:)

[ErosUrge]

tough situation to be in....I've never been emotionally and sexually interested in men at the same time so I probably can't really offer any advice. However, based on your comments, it seems to be a very tricky situation. Since you do have a history with women and enjoy them in so many various ways, it might be best to continue in that way. Yet, it seems to me that you will always have an interest in men sexually. But where it's difficult for me to comment is that you also have emotional interests in men as well. So, the scenario is different for you. It seems it would be very difficult because if you were to choose to be with this guy or any other guy, your interest in women would still be there and you might find yourself yearning for that connection too...and it's obviously happening while you have your girlfriend in your yearning for this friend. Perhaps the solution is being polyamorous, but again, this isn't for everyone either....Maybe this re-kindling of interest in your friend is just a passing interest that will subside...I really don't know what to say but I do wish you well...keep talking about it to others here or wherever there is someone who is open and willing to listen.

[Romalotti]

I was hoping that my interest in this ex-boyfriend would be a passing thing, but I know myself and it really doesn't seem that way. As far as being with a man and yearning for a woman, I've never really been with a guy for long enough to know if that would happen. I do know that anytime I'm with a woman for some time, my desire for gay sex gets stronger. I don't really 'desire' sex with women, but I enjoy sex with women I have feelings for. I'm pretty sure that if I could find a guy I had feelings for, I'd rather be with him than a girl. Rationally, I should talk with her and maybe even break up with her because of this. But I'm in love with her, and this situation is so unusual. I don't want to ruin our relationship before I know what I really want.

[mikey3000]

Read your last post over again. I'll think you'll find the answer right there. You'll never be satisfied unless you try a relationship with this guy. The desire only gets stronger as you get older.

Good luck.

[Romalotti]

Yeah, I did reread my last post. It seems fairly obvious that I need to explore this connection to my ex-boyfriend. But how do I tell my girlfriend about any of this? I can't tell her that the 'old friend from high school' I've been speaking to is actually my teenage first love, and that talking to him again sparked feelings in me. That sounds almost like I cheated on her or something. I guess that however I bring this up, I'm going to end up breaking her heart. I am going to take some time to try to put this whole situation in perspective before I take any kind of major action, though.

[mikey3000]

Good idea. You are not married to this girl, so I suggest you explore your feelings for him now. If you have to break it off with her, better now than 10 years and two kids down the road.

[love1234]

I would not break up with the female you love.

In time you might just have both of them. My wife will let me have male friend.

I hate to say this but many gay guys are kind of sluts. Even the ones I meet in long term thing, slut around.

Good females are hard to find. Keep her.

[NEPHX]

.... I don't want to ruin our relationship before I know what I really want.

You are likely to ruin your relationship either way. Do it, you might lose her, don't do it, have regrets and you might lose her eventually over what might have been (and try it again later with another guy) in a subconscious way w/ anger towards your now gf.

While all the advise from many of us in here is great, I'd recommend finding a very good (and open (to str8, bi, gay issues) therapist to talk it all out with and see where that might lead you. It won't "give you" the answer but could lead you to making a better choice on how to proceed.

Meanwhile, I'd recommend caution in any activities with anyone.

Personally, my thoughts are you're going to have to deal with this on going for the rest of your life. If you get married to this wonderful women, she should know all about this or eventually, it might cause her lots of pain. But, its all in the execution as always. If you tell her (after you work out the details about how you want to proceed) you could still lose her. But, I would think you owe her that respect.

[Romalotti]

You are likely to ruin your relationship either way. Do it, you might lose her, don't do it, have regrets and you might lose her eventually over what might have been (and try it again later with another guy) in a subconscious way w/ anger towards your now gf.

While all the advise from many of us in here is great, I'd recommend finding a very good (and open (to str8, bi, gay issues) therapist to talk it all out with and see where that might lead you. It won't "give you" the answer but could lead you to making a better choice on how to proceed.

Meanwhile, I'd recommend caution in any activities with anyone.

Personally, my thoughts are you're going to have to deal with this on going for the rest of your life. If you get married to this wonderful women, she should know all about this or eventually, it might cause her lots of pain. But, its all in the execution as always. If you tell her (after you work out the details about how you want to proceed) you could still lose her. But, I would think you owe her that respect.

You're right in everything you said. While I never liked therapists much in the past, it would be nice to get a professional perspective. Right now, I only have one friend I can talk to about this (most of my other friends know my girlfriend and I can't have this getting back to her before I tell her myself). But I will definitely talk with her before this gets out of hand. I can't have an affair behind her back, I love her too much to do that.

[mikey3000]

You're right in everything you said. While I never liked therapists much in the past, it would be nice to get a professional perspective. Right now, I only have one friend I can talk to about this (most of my other friends know my girlfriend and I can't have this getting back to her before I tell her myself). But I will definitely talk with her before this gets out of hand. I can't have an affair behind her back, I love her too much to do that.

No, don't have an affair, that'll make things much more complicated. Just talk and spend time with him to see what feelings develop. But also be honest with your GF and tell her that you ran into him and some old feelings came up. See what she says. Her attitude can dictate things too.

[Romalotti]

No, don't have an affair, that'll make things much more complicated. Just talk and spend time with him to see what feelings develop. But also be honest with your GF and tell her that you ran into him and some old feelings came up. See what she says. Her attitude can dictate things too.

I already told her that I was talking to an 'old friend' from high school. I didn't mention my history with him because it was so long ago and it seemed irrelevant now. Also, I didn't want to make her worry for no reason. It's still not too late for me to tell her that he was my ex, but then anytime I hang out with him, she's going to get paranoid. I'm going to try to find the right time to tell her. Lying is not a strong suit of mine and I don't feel comfortable doing it.

[Romalotti]

I decided that I am going to break up with my girlfriend. I love her but my desire for a man is just too strong. Even if this thing with my ex-boyfriend doesn't work out, it's the right thing for me to do to end things with her. If we continue like this, we'll get married eventually and even though part of me wants that, a larger part of me knows that I want something else. Thanks for all of your support on here. Now I just have to find the right way & time to tell her.

[elian]

Marriage is a serious commitment, if there is any doubt in your heart at ALL about wanting to be with her "forever" then you are best served by not getting married. Even people who have no doubt about their love sometimes still struggle to make a good marriage. Good friends can be hard to come by so I hope that you are able to end it amicably.

[DuckiesDarling]

I decided that I am going to break up with my girlfriend. I love her but my desire for a man is just too strong. Even if this thing with my ex-boyfriend doesn't work out, it's the right thing for me to do to end things with her. If we continue like this, we'll get married eventually and even though part of me wants that, a larger part of me knows that I want something else. Thanks for all of your support on here. Now I just have to find the right way & time to tell her.

Romalotti, first let me say I am the heteroflexible partner of a bisexual male, the same one that gave you advice who uses the name on here of Long Duck Dong. I am fond of saying not telling your partner you are bi is like having them work a jigsaw puzzle with pieces missing. So if you choose to break up rather than cheat, kudos to you...but tell her why. Sit down and tell her that you are bisexual. That you want to be with her but you need to explore something first or have it haunt you. Your girlfriend may not want to share you with another in a full time relationship but it doesn't mean she won't understand that you are bisexual. That she will understand what you need to do to get your answer. I have a feeling your girlfriend probably already knows a lot more about you than you think you let slip. So take off the mask, complete the puzzle. You won't know how she will react unless you are completely honest with her. I wish both of you the best of luck.

[DuckiesDarling]

Romalotti

Long Duck Dong is not bisexual or pansexual he's asexual and only claims to be bisexual or pansexual when it suits him or he can try to prove an argument with his flawed circular arguments.

DuckiesDarling is not bisexual or "heteroflexible" which mean the exact same thing, she's heterosexual. She is not partnered to a bisexual man at all but rather to a man who is asexual so as a Heterosexual woman she does not know what it is like to be partnered to an actual bisexual man.

Do what you yourself need to do since you yourself are in a relationship with this woman.

I suck, your name says it all. Now kindly stop with your personal attacks and violations of rule2. Thanks in advance.

And for the record, heteroflexible means open minded about trying new things while firmly knowing I am hetero. My man has had relationships with both men and women that makes him bisexual. So please take your couch potato degree in cocksucking and go back to what you do best. Thanks.

[Long Duck Dong]

I guess that only sexually active people are allowed to say anything in this site, according to people like tenni and his clone with the same wording, writting and statements.....

[nik76o]

u r bi
just luv women and fuck men
:)

beautifully said

[Romalotti]

Here's an update on my situation: Last night, I broke up with my girlfriend. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But even though it hurts like hell right now, I know that I did the right thing. She deserves better than to have a boyfriend who is flirting with another man. This is crazy, I can't believe I just broke up with someone I am in love with. I don't know if I can just start dating him anytime soon though, I'm just too upset. How long is good to wait after a breakup to start dating again?

[Long Duck Dong]

personal understanding... you know when the time is right....

you have chose a hard path to walk and I have to say I respect you for that.... breaking up with somebody you love, is not easy... but your reasons for doing it are understandable.....

so i would take a few days and give yourself time to settle into your new way of life cos being with a person ver a long term, then breaking up, means that we have to resettle..... and things that are mundane like doing the shopping etc, can be a lil awkward for a while.....

good luck to you on your new path, time will tell if you have made the right choice at the right time.....and as we are all not perfect, its easy to say you made the right move and find out later that you are not coping or enjoying life as much as you thought...... only time will tell...

keep us updated on how things go.... as it would be nice to hear that things are good and that you are settling into your new way of life, well....

[altbinary]

I need help. I'm in a very difficult situation right now and I don't know how to handle it. I have a complicated sexual history, but to summarize it: I've always been much more sexually attracted to men than women. However, I've been much more emotionally attracted to women than men. Fooling around with a guy has just been a fun activity to 'get off', but my couple of attempts at actually dating a man made me feel really uncomfortable & disastrous. I married a woman who I was completely satisfied with in every way, we divorced after five years however.

I have been dating a girl for about a year who is fantastic in every way. I really thought that we'd eventually get married and spend our lives together. Last week, I ran into a guy I knew in high school. I had dated this guy and he was the only man I've ever had feelings for. Throughout the years since I knew him, I dismissed my 'feelings' for him as just teenage hormones and the result of my first gay experience. But since I've been talking to him again, I think I still have feelings for him that go beyond nostalgia. He has never really gotten over me, and he has recently gotten out of a long-term relationship (with a man, he's completely gay) and has made it clear that he would like to date me if I was available.

My girlfriend knows a little about my bisexuality, but I'm sure she's not aware of just how strong my sexual interest in men really is. I love her, but my feelings for my high school boyfriend won't go away. I don't know if I should tell her about my new feelings, or try to protect her and work it our on my own. I'm just afraid that if I continue on, I'll end up cheating on her with this guy while trying to 'work out my feelings'. I don't know how I'd feel being in a gay relationship, I feel much more comfortable and natural in a relationship with a woman. Also I have this feeling that since she & I are so close, breaking up with her would destroy her life, and can I really do that especially when it might be all for nothing anyway (since I've never been in a real gay partnership, I just don't know if I would like it or not).

This situation is eating away at me. Everyday that I talk to this guy, I feel closer to him and I feel like I'm having some kind of emotional affair. Am I gay? Am I bisexual and confused? What should I do before this all escalates into something insane?

Your life will get a lot more complicated if you don't tell your girlfriend about your feelings for your buddy. Introduce them and everyone talk it over. You might wind up with one or the other or neither, or both. Whatever happens, you'll have a clear conscience; and there's no substitute for that.

[mikey3000]

Here's an update on my situation: Last night, I broke up with my girlfriend. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But even though it hurts like hell right now, I know that I did the right thing. She deserves better than to have a boyfriend who is flirting with another man. This is crazy, I can't believe I just broke up with someone I am in love with. I don't know if I can just start dating him anytime soon though, I'm just too upset. How long is good to wait after a breakup to start dating again?

Awww, man I'm so sorry. It must hurt terribly. Take some time before you do anything. Give her some time to digest what you told her about you and let her think. If she really loves you for who you are, she may be back on different, more understanding terms. Do not jump right into his bed. Just take a moment to let everything breathe.

For me, I came out to my wife and gave her the choice to leave or stay and it was close. I really thought it was over. I posted my dispair all over this board. But we fought it out, cried it out and just plain talked it out. Now she loves that I have a BF. They get along great. I couldn't break up with him even if I wanted to. She'd kick my ass.

[happy_bi_blonde]

Coming from a woman, I think you did the right thing breaking up with your girlfriend. HOWEVER, you should have tried the "here it is on the table" approach, quite possibly she would have accepted your feelings towards the other man.

I was in the same boat you were...do i tell my boyfriend (at the time he was, we have been married a long time now), or do i just keep the secret to myself. Keeping the secret would have meant sacrificing my own feelings and you just can't run away from these bi feelings.

After reading your posts, I am leaning more towards you being "gay" rather than "bi". I think with the right man you would fall in love.

Just always be honest with yourself, it is the greatest gift you can have.

Good Luck in all you do :tong:

[Romalotti]

Well I broke up with her two weeks ago, and I am now dating my ex-boyfriend exclusively (well I guess that makes him my boyfriend now). After I ended things with my girlfriend, I planned on taking things slow with him, but we just get along so well and we just couldn't help ourselves. I still have feelings for my former girlfriend, and I probably always will. We are still friends, although she doesn't know that I am dating someone else already. I know she'll be able to accept that I have a boyfriend in the future, but I am aware that I did a horrible thing by leaving her for him and I want to make everything right for everyone involved.

This has been the most difficult situation I've ever been in, and I've alternated between the happiest I've ever been & extreme guilt and sadness. But I really do feel like I'm falling hard for this guy and he feels the same way. I know I did the right thing.

[tenni]

Ah...this is a very difficult situation. My own personal opinion is that you should still give your (former) girlfriend your reasons for breaking up with her. (your sexuality is the reason whether it is bi or gay). Although you make some statements that indicate a more emotionally sexually attraction to men, that may change over time (again).

I don't understand why you believe ending your relationship with her not knowing why is the best approach? It is your business though. What ever happens, I wish you well and happiness.

[elian]

Well I broke up with her two weeks ago, and I am now dating my ex-boyfriend exclusively (well I guess that makes him my boyfriend now). After I ended things with my girlfriend, I planned on taking things slow with him, but we just get along so well and we just couldn't help ourselves. I still have feelings for my former girlfriend, and I probably always will. We are still friends, although she doesn't know that I am dating someone else already. I know she'll be able to accept that I have a boyfriend in the future, but I am aware that I did a horrible thing by leaving her for him and I want to make everything right for everyone involved.

This has been the most difficult situation I've ever been in, and I've alternated between the happiest I've ever been & extreme guilt and sadness. But I really do feel like I'm falling hard for this guy and he feels the same way. I know I did the right thing.

If you were seriously talking of marriage with her, and in your heart could never have been true to only her then you already DID the best thing for everyone involved.

I might've given her the or a reason for breaking up with her, a lot of times a partner might wonder why, when things seemed to be going so well. Of course it is your business, you know her better than we do. I would like to hope that if you told her that you were questioning your sexuality she would be open about it and not hostile but I don't know her.

It's none of my business, but does your boyfriend know you still have feelings for her? Not saying that you would pursue an active relationship with her. It's just a matter of curiosity, how someone responds to that might give you clues as to how mature and responsible they are in a relationship. I know it can be tough finding someone to really love, but It's not good to fall in love for the wrong reason. In case you have low self-esteem make sure you know what it means to love yourself first. Give yourself love, space, time and respect. Then you'll know what it truly means to love someone else in a healthy way.

..and yes, I have found that with most of the same sex relationships I have had I tend to go a lot faster than I tell myself I am going to. For some reason I always feel as though I have to get all of that "naughty" "sex" stuff out of the way so I can let my guard down, relax and get to know someone - doesn't that sound backward?

[Romalotti]

I did tell her that my sexuality issues were the reason why we shouldn't continue our relationship. I just didn't tell her that these issues specifically involved my ex-boyfriend. The reason I didn't tell her about this is because I thought it would make a bad situation worse. I realize that it all comes down to the fact that I left my girlfriend for someone else. Whether I left her for a man or a woman, it was a wrong and horrible thing to do to someone you care about. I honestly think that if I'd told her the whole truth, she wouldn't have been able to handle it. So maybe I was wrong to not tell the whole truth, but I did what I felt was best under the circumstances.

Also, my boyfriend does know that I still have feelings for her. He has been extremely patient and understanding about this difficult situation, and he even feels bad for his role in the whole thing.

[elian]

I'm not here to pass judgement, I'm only pointing out places that I've gotten stuck before. In my experience although it may leave you uneasy it is better to have loved and cared for someone, even if things didn't work out quite the way you both thought they would, and better to be honest now rather than not say anything at all and wait until you are married.

I can tell from the way you are writing that you still have uneasy feelings, if I was in your situation I can't say I would've done anything differently. I admire the fact that you were as honest with her as you could be, and that your boyfriend is supporting you too. Of course I can't hear from your gf but I wish healing for all of you.

[tenni]

I did tell her that my sexuality issues were the reason why we shouldn't continue our relationship. I just didn't tell her that these issues specifically involved my ex-boyfriend.

Also, my boyfriend does know that I still have feelings for her. He has been extremely patient and understanding about this difficult situation, and he even feels bad for his role in the whole thing.

Good for you for telling her that you ended the relationship because of your sexuality issues. I think that you did the correct thing and she didn't need to know immediately that you have become involved with your first male lover.

As to feeling bad about hurting her, it is better to tell her now than to have married her and in ten years have the same thing happen such as this man coming back in to your life. It could have been another woman but it wasn't. It was a bi or gay reason and that may change the reality for me (not necessarily certain other posters though I suspect). Since you know her best, you have decided that she and you would not be able to be in a more open relationship. I think that it is an extra difficult path to take but there are complications in all relationships. We bisexuals have perhaps more paths to explore and finding the best fit is a challenge.

[Romalotti]

It has been extremely difficult. I still love my ex-girlfriend, but I love my boyfriend too. I still talk to her & I work with her as well. I still feel I made the right choice to break up with her, but I miss her like hell. I'm hoping that my feelings for her will subside in time, but I'm not sure that they will. If it wasn't for my attraction to men, I probably would have married her and been extremely happy for the rest of my life. I envy heterosexuals AND homosexuals who could never have a problem like this.

[Romalotti]

Here's an update on my situation: It's been over three months since I broke up with my girlfriend. I'm dating the guy now (my ex-boyfriend from high school). We seem to have a good relationship but I can't stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend and I want to get back together with her so badly. I love her and I love him too. If the sexuality issue wasn't a problem, I'd choose to be with her in a heartbeat at this point. My feelings for him are very strong as well, but I don't know how much of it is genuine on both of our ends (he just got out of a ten year relationship early this year).

I realize that this is all very confusing but I'm really torn as to what I should do. I can't reunite with my girlfriend because I know I'll always be drawn to men sexually, too much to ignore. I won't subject her to an 'open relationship' because while I know that she loves me enough to possibly agree to that, deep down she doesn't want it. And I love her too much to have to sacrifice that for me. Alternately, I do love my boyfriend very much. On a romantic level, as well as sexually. But if everything's so great between him & me, then why can't I let her go? I really need some advice.

[BiDaveDtown]

I read this entire thread.

It sounds like what the original poster had with his now ex girlfriend was actual romance and you really did want to stay in a relationship with her but then you broke up with her.

You should get back together with her since you have a history and you yourself said how your attempts at "relationships" with men didn't last and you're more romantically drawn towards women than men and that a marriage and relationship with a woman satisfies you in every way while a relationship or attempted relationship with a man does not.


I've been much more emotionally attracted to women than men. Fooling around with a guy has just been a fun activity to 'get off', but my couple of attempts at actually dating a man made me feel really uncomfortable & disastrous. I married a woman who I was completely satisfied with in every way

[Bicuriousman]

I would say maybe try a poly relationship, but you said he was gay not bi so that would never work. So i say, go with your heart.

[falcondfw]

Romalotti,
I just read this whole thread. These are just my personal opinions, so take them for what they are worth. I am not a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or Psycowatrist, nor do I play one one TV.

1. I think you should have left the decision up to your gf as to what she could and could not deal with.

2. I think you may be having trouble figuring out exactly what the difference is between loving someone and being IN love with someone. Do not take that wrong. A LOT of people have never had someone show or tell them the difference.

3. I think the best advice of all that you were given was given to you a long time ago. Seek out a Psychiatrist/Psychologist. A very, very good one that specializes in sexual identity problems. I don't think a regular shrink would be able to truly understand your dilemma. They would need to specialize in this to truly be able to help you. I don't think you are crazy. Not even a little bit. But I think you need a professional to talk to. Someone who can show you where the flaws are in your logic, if there are any. Someone trained to look for these things and to help YOU figure things out.

Finally, I don't think you will be happy with either your ex(?)-gf or your bf, until you come to terms with this yourself. I think you are having trouble with your own identity, based on your attractions and the things you say, and you need to figure things out for yourself, before anyone else can agree or disagree with your identity.
It's like happiness. You cannot make others happy with you if you are not happy with yourself.
In your case, you can't truly satisfy a partner (and I mean more than sexually), until you are satisfied with yourself.

[ohbimale]

First and foremost you need to take into consideration the emotion and feelings of everyone involved in you love triad. Especially of yourself. Ultimately you have to live with the consequences of what you do and don't do. Making no decision is the same as making a choice.

It is possible you are having "what if" feelings for your boyfriend and are being given a second chance at it. The problem most of us run into in situations like yours is that we are presented with revisiting the past so that we can see why things would not have worked out, but by the time we find out we are left alone to start over. Which very often turns out for the best because we left a little stronger and wiser.

The main thing I would do in your shoes is be honest and open with both your girlfriend and the old boyfriend. Keep the lines of communication open at all times. And if you are feeling overwhelmed seek counseling from a professional.

And don't worry about labels. Society does enough of that for us all. Be you and true to yourself first. You are the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and live with the consequences of your actions. You have no control over anyone else.

[Romalotti]

Thanks for the advice, it really has helped. I think I've come to the decision that as much as I am in love with my ex-girlfriend, I just can't be with her. I believe in a monogamous relationship, but getting back together with her would mean I'd have to just shut off my interest in men for the rest of my life. I know I can't do that because I've tried and failed already. I was able to make my marriage to a woman work ten years ago, but it seems like I've changed since then and I can't do that anymore.

I do love my boyfriend and I owe it to him to try to make our relationship work. Going back to her now would be cruel, considering she has just started seeing a new guy and she's trying to move on with her life (although she's admitted that she's still on love with me). Sometimes doing the right thing is mindnumbingly unbearable & difficult, and I feel like letting her go is the right thing.

[Tears44]

wow..I had a similair problem..While in the Marines, I was hanging out with this buddy of mine I would go over to his room and we would go out to the movies, dinner, double date, etc. Well everytime I would go to his room he would answer the door naked..and like it was nothing..Marines we see each other naked all the time, so I thought nothing of it..Kept my Bi side in check while I was in the Marines..but he was built, in Force Recon, he was black great skin, a little darker tahn me, about 2 inches shorter, but nice wide thighs a tight fat ass,,thick chest and a nice looking gay..We would share stories about what female we fucked...He would always do anal with his women..well.I met my future wife..I took her over to his room to pick him up to give him a ride to get his car out of the shop...they met...we drove and droped him off...heading back to base..she broke out this statement.."he is bi-" I said.."No way" she said "Yes " and after she ask me about his behavoir around when I pick him up..Dam yes he was...also he would go to ATLANTA every weekend bu himself..Gay and bi capital of the east coast..

I never made a move to any Marine while I was in no one..but this guy was my first..I wanted to know and to have him..When we got back from NYC om leave..he had gotten orders to Hawaii........DAM!!!!DAM!! I wrote him and YES he was bi and wanted me also, but was afraid I would not accept him and would turn him in...So the lesson here is ..you never know if you do not ask or tell her or him..If the love you they will understand...I believe I was bi- from birth..It is just hard..to find the person or persons to connect with.........I told him..I would have sucked his cock all night. he said he would have done the same..

[Romalotti]

Here's an update on my situation: This past October, I broke up with my boyfriend and started seeing my ex-girlfriend again. My former boyfriend turned out to be a paranoid, controlling alcoholic. Nothing like he was when we dated in high school. I realized that my 'feelings' for him weren't real. I just got swept up in the past and the fact that he was a man, and I wanted to see if I could make it work with a guy. As it turned out, I couldn't. He didn't handle the breakup well, and I haven't spoken to him since.

Now I am engaged to this woman and looking forward to marrying her next year. However, my former issues have reared their ugly head again. I was afraid that if I stayed in a relationship with her, I wouldn't be able to deal with my intense sexual attraction to men. On two separate occasions in the past month, I got drunk and ended up fooling around with a guy I met online. She has no idea that this has happened. I feel horribly guilty about this, but getting that sexual release with another guy felt great. I don't want to be unfaithful to her, but it happened twice and I don't want it to happen again, but I'm afraid that it will.

I cannot tell her that I cheated, it would destroy her. Plus, I already put her through hell last year when I dumped her, I just couldn't hurt her again. I really want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I refuse to do so while I'm cheating all the time. She doesn't deserve that. What should I do?

[falcondfw]

Here's an update on my situation: This past October, I broke up with my boyfriend and started seeing my ex-girlfriend again. My former boyfriend turned out to be a paranoid, controlling alcoholic. Nothing like he was when we dated in high school. I realized that my 'feelings' for him weren't real. I just got swept up in the past and the fact that he was a man, and I wanted to see if I could make it work with a guy. As it turned out, I couldn't. He didn't handle the breakup well, and I haven't spoken to him since.

Now I am engaged to this woman and looking forward to marrying her next year. However, my former issues have reared their ugly head again. I was afraid that if I stayed in a relationship with her, I wouldn't be able to deal with my intense sexual attraction to men. On two separate occasions in the past month, I got drunk and ended up fooling around with a guy I met online. She has no idea that this has happened. I feel horribly guilty about this, but getting that sexual release with another guy felt great. I don't want to be unfaithful to her, but it happened twice and I don't want it to happen again, but I'm afraid that it will.

I cannot tell her that I cheated, it would destroy her. Plus, I already put her through hell last year when I dumped her, I just couldn't hurt her again. I really want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I refuse to do so while I'm cheating all the time. She doesn't deserve that. What should I do?

Romalotti,

Well, looks like you have some very serious issues to deal with.

What should you do?

1. Stay the hell away from alcohol or at least from drinking too much. Limit yourself to one drink, maximum of 2 so you can stay in control.

2. Tell her. Everything. You cannot go into a marriage hiding things or lying and expect it to work. Two of the important foundations of a marriage are trust and honesty. Without one, you don't have the other and vice versa. If you begin your marriage with one or two of your foundations crumbling, what kind of a chance do you really think the marriage has to survive?

Be honest with her and tell her everything about you being bi. Invite her to this forum if she has trouble dealing with it. There are some great people here who can help. She may end up being ok with it and even give you permission to play on occassion and you have seen how many women here think watching guy on guy sex is hot. She might be a person who thinks that way, but hides it.

Regardless, congratulations on the marriage. I hope everything works out for you.

[megzz22]

I've always been in a similar situation as you. I've never been dating one person and finding myself falling for another, but the sexual attraction to one sex and the emotional attraction to the other is something I'm very familiar with.

I've personally labelled myself as Bisexual, just because I'm interested in both genders. Bisexuality doesn't have to mean you're attracted to both men and women the same way. There are many people who are sexually attracted to women and could never date a women, but are both sexually and emotionally attracted to men (myself for example) so worrying whether you're just confused or straight is pretty silly.

I can't help you with your the issue you have with your girlfriend and this other man, but I just wanted to try and clear up that who "am I just a confused straight guy" thought you seem to be having.

[Romalotti]

Yeah, I really shouldn't get drunk when I'm alone. I seem to lose all control and I don't like that. As far as telling her everything, I just can't. She would freak out if I confessed to having drunken car sex in the middle of the night with some guy I barely know. She knows I'm bi, she knows about the boyfriend I had last year while she & I were broken up. I really wish I could talk to her and get some kind of 'permission' to occasionally mess around with a guy on the side. I just don't think that would be fair to her (not that what I'm doing to her now is fair).

[Romalotti]

Oh and I'm not going to go through with the wedding if I haven't resolved my issues by then. I won't marry her if I'm only going to be a serial cheater, constantly letting her down. Plus, I'm just not cut out to be one of those lying, 'down low' type of guys.

[aheatseeker]

tell your gf about him and bring him in also to meet her. you all might hit it off and become poly live in lovers. then you have your cake and eat it too.

[The Bisexual Virgin]

Seriously the best advice I can give is don't be in a relatiomship of any kind, because you need to figure put what you want in life.

[Romalotti]

I realize now that I'm probably not cut out for a relationship at this point in time, maybe I never will be. But I really love her and I feel like we are a family now. I won't abandon my family. I realize how fucked up I am to behave the way I have this past month, but I am making an effort not to let it happen again.