To tell, or not to tell (your spouse)

[JinJan]

I have recently read many differing opinions, re. whether to tell one's spouse, about being bisexual. Most seem to agree with telling them, being up front, before anything "happens".

But, I thought I also read, that some folks, have not told their spouses, because they still love them, and don't want to cause problems, in the marriage. In those cases, I am wondering...are those folks who's desires to be "bi" are not so strong, that they can actually forego having a relationship, or sex, outside of the marriage, or are they still having those encounters and relationships, and just being very discreet?

My reason for asking, is because, I have thought about telling my hubby, but, my "desires" are pretty manageable right now (maybe they will increase as time goes on), and I don't want to rock the boat, if I don't have to...but, I DO want to be up front with my hubby, in all things. Thank you for listening...JinJan.

[ErosUrge]

I have recently read many differing opinions, re. whether to tell one's spouse, about being bisexual. Most seem to agree with telling them, being up front, before anything "happens".

But, I thought I also read, that some folks, have not told their spouses, because they still love them, and don't want to cause problems, in the marriage. In those cases, I am wondering...are those folks who's desires to be "bi" are not so strong, that they can actually forego having a relationship, or sex, outside of the marriage, or are they still having those encounters and relationships, and just being very discreet?

My reason for asking, is because, I have thought about telling my hubby, but, my "desires" are pretty manageable right now (maybe they will increase as time goes on), and I don't want to rock the boat, if I don't have to...but, I DO want to be up front with my hubby, in all things. Thank you for listening...JinJan.

This is always a tough one. And I certainly can't tell you what you need to do as everyone has their own way of handling things. I have a female friend who's been married now for 11 years and has had an ongoing relationship outside the marriage for almost as long as the marriage. She's straight and loves this other person very much but also loves her husband....the problem she has in her marriage however is that he doesn't fulfill her needs sexually. And the problem with her lover is that he lives about 1500 miles away and they only see each other twice a year and sometimes more depending. She is able to live this way and it works for her. I have my own thoughts about it and feel it's not the way to go, but it's none of my business how she should handle it. And lots of people live this way.
From my own experience and being bi, whenever I was involved with a woman and also in my marriage, most of the time I kept my excursions to myself. There were 3 women that knew and allowed me to be with men sexually and for this I was thankful. Our reasons for splitting were unrelated to me being with men...and as I stated on another post, we are friends to this day. But other women in my life didn't know and whenever I went to play with men, I felt horrible and riddled with guilt about my time with those men. Though I kept it underwraps, I got tired of hiding and being secretive about it. Sometimes I felt it was alright and as you said, didn't want to destroy the good thing I had going with them. But after a while, I wanted to be open.
So, to this day I have been and for the most part and so far, it hasn't worked out...
I think that it might very well be possible that your hubby will be okay with it if he feels that it won't threaten what you both have together. If he knows that it's fulfilling a need for you and that you're not going anywhere, then he might be open and willing to allow it. But not knowing him like you do, I can't say....I wish you the best and hope it turns out the way you want.

[Long Duck Dong]

I am the type of person that supports the idea of being open and honest with your partner as best as possible..... that way when things arise that can not be covered up with white lies, you are already in a situation where its easier to talk with your partner...... but I am also the type of person that is aware its not always possible to talk with your partner about some things.....

my own reasons for having a relationship / marriage, is I have seen so many people hurt and destoried cos of dishonesty and unfaithfulness in marriages... and I have also see many relationships and marriages, survive and grow into open and supportive relationships and marriages.....

sure, its easy for me to tell other people to be open and honest.... but in my own defense, I told my curent partner about me and sent them to the site to read about me ( my profile and my posts and threads ) so she could decide for herself, what bisexuality and me being bisexual, met to me and how I dealt with it......

my partner decided that yes she could handle my bisexuality and the rules I imposed on myself, for my own well being, my partner and our relationship.....

my bisexual urges and desires mainly surface in a relationship as my partner found out and thanks to my being honest about it, we are able to deal with the issues as best we could, using toys and imagination......

I could not and would not be discreet or cheat on my partner, as I would lose far more than I would gain... my partner would leave me immediately as she has already being cheated on by her ex husband and I have had cheating partners myself......

there is more to relationships and being a partner than our bisexuality... and that is why I am a big supporter of both people in a relationship having equal say and equal rights.....

[DuckiesDarling]

I posted before an analogy and I'll say it again. Not telling your parter you are bisexual is like asking them to finish a jigsaw puzzle without some very integral pieces. They never know the whole picture. Sure people know the ones they are with better than any on a forum but at the same time I can't imagine not knowing more about my partner than how he likes his toast. Just my two cents:2cents:

[NW6942]

Devils advocate here,

All relationships are different, as well as peoples views and opinions on sexuality. You know the person better than anyone in this forum. Therefore only you can make that judgement call.

Most will tell you it is liberating to be open in a relationship. I have to agree being open to people is like not having a ton of bricks on the shoulder. For some people this simply isn't a possibility or reality and so why go there.

[lizard-lix]

Devils advocate here,
.....For some people this simply isn't a possibility or reality and so why go there.

Then you are living a role, and not your real one...

Like cheating, it is something some do, but can't really be considered the best solution...

It was scary when I told my wife I am bi, just before we married. It turned out to be a non-issue, luckily, as we agreed to monogamy. Now 30 years later, we may open our marriage if it becomes the right thing. My being bi just comes up as one more consideration as opposed to being a problem..

YMMV

[innaminka]

I had to tell my husband. I tried to hide it for a while, but for me it was almost like a cancer - eating away at my whole being.
Yes, it caused initial tensions, a lot of heartache and soul-searching on both our parts, but I do believe he appreciated me telling him.
As was mentioned above - it was like the missing jig-saw piece.

I was "active" in my bisexuality, but was able to ensure my f/f encounters happened a long way from home and with a degree of anonymity. (I have always be 1:1 with another partner. I am not into group stuff.)

We operated on a sort of system of don't ask, don't tell. (I know that he was also not celibate when he was away in WA at the mines, but DADT operated both ways.)

My bisexuality at no stage intruded into my home. (Except for 1 time when he was in WA)

It worked for us - we had probably 14-15 happy years. Our love for each other overrode that particular speedbump.
Our separation was not majorly caused by my sexuality. A factor but far from the main cause.
But certainly, I could never have not told him.

[redone]

If your a guy its a big mistake

[LavaRed]

If your a guy its a big mistake

Why so?

[lizard-lix]

If your a guy its a big mistake

Like Lava said, why so?

And you never said which is the mistake, telling or not...