Need help in coming out

[R. R. Wayne]

I have been bi-sexual all of my life. I am married for the second time for 12 years and can no longer live the lie. I really hate to hurt my wife ,and I worry about what my married children will think of me. But it is about time I thought about me and my happiness and my sexaul happiness. So, I am looking for some guidance here and hope I can find a mentor -- hopefully someone who has been where I am now and made it through the process of coming out. I am retired.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok my first bit of advice, is stop the *its about you and your happiness and your sexual happiness *... cos you are married, its about both of you cos it will affect both of you

you will essentially be saying to your wife, I love you and I value our marriage, but I also want to have sex with other people and they are of the same gender... how do you feel about this and will you give me permission to do so...?

how she will react is anybodies guess but you have a better idea of how your wife will react, cos you are married to her.....

so you have to be sure of what you want in your marriage and what you are going to do in your marriage, for the sake of your wife and your marriage.... and be prepared for the fact she may say no, I want a divorce or yes ok, but here are the rules....

one of the first things you should know by now, is how you wife feels about a open marriage and bisexual gay people.. cos that will be your first to clues as to your wifes primary reaction.....

next, you want to think about your wives past relationships / marriages... cos if shes been cheated on or lied to... she may react adversely....

third, the hard part is the coming out... and thats a 2 stage issue... cos coming out as a bisexual, is not the same as saying honey, I want extra martial sex.... so you will need to be aware that she may well question your fidelity and commitment to her and the marriage, and feel that suddenly you are saying to her that she is no longer enough.... and that is something that cuts like a knife.....

4th, put yourself in her shoes, imagine your wife coming out to you as a bisexual female that wants extra martial sex in order to be happy now... and that it may well involve putting you and your wants needs and desires in the marriage, to one side for the sake of sex with others....

5th... take your time, take a lot of time.... cos she will want it and need it.... she now will have a lot to think about and understand, including her own thoughts and feelings..... if you are lucky, you may work thru it all in a week, if not... it may take a couple of years, if at all... and at the worse, you may no longer have a marriage or a wife.....

6th.... rules, more rules and even more rules about what is acceptable and what is not.... and thats hoping that you make it to this point.... your wife will want a say in what happens and how... be it something like she doesn't want to know anything about it.... to, she wants to be fully involved in everything....

and 7th.... there is no way to force your wife to do anything.... and its possible she will stay in the marriage and suffer silently rather than walk away..... bear in mind that it can destroy a person.... and turn your wife into something and somebody that loses the happiness in the marriage she once had with you... and becomes a hollow person inside that exists in a marriage that she feels obligiated to stay in..... while you have your fun.....

the choice is yours.... choose wisely and carefully how you handle things... you want your wife, your marriage and your bisexual lifestyle.... and the power is in your hands to make that a reality, or destroy everything you have..... and regardless of what you may feel about your desires, wants and needs, your wife has a say and rights too......and they may not match your ideal marriage and lifestyle

I wish you luck.....

[Caaveman]

What LDD said is very bold and very harsh... But also very true (IMHO).
I have to agree with him. I have been there and done that. I lived with my wife for years before I got drunk enough one night (to have enough courage, balls or what ever you want to call it) to admit to her that I was, am and always will be bi. And surprisingly enough, she said "I thought there was something of that sort with you for a while now". Mind you I wasn't fooling around behind her back or anything like that, but she said that it was the manner, and way that I acted, and the things that I wanted in sex with her (yeah, go figure). Any way I wish you both the best of luck in what ever you decide to do.


(footnote) LDD, I mean you no offense in my words about yours being bold or harsh, for I do believe that honesty is the best policy, and I do believe that you were sincere and honest.

[Long Duck Dong]

no worries caaveman....

my hetero fiancee had a affair and then married the hetero guy she was screwing...

one of my ex partners, had 13+ affairs, got pregnant and then blamed me for her actions and her life, I was the monogamous bisexual, she was the hetero....

I told my own partner before we got together, that I was bisexual and how it works in my life and how I handle it..... so I have walked in many pairs of shoes.... and lived by the same advice I share....

[bizel]

hi and congratulations. i think a life lived in honesty is a much happier one. i am a wife on the receiving end, so i may be able to help from the other side.

firstly, you don't state whether you need to explore, or just openly acknowledge your sexuality. my hubby needs to explore and that brings with it a whole new set of issues for your spouse to absorb.

secondly, your wife needs to hear this from you before the kids. you need to give her time to react, absorb, accept/reject. personally, i never needed to know what my parents got up to in the bedroom so i don't understand why kids even need know. if we bring them up with acceptance of all sexualities, it shouldn't be an issue. but if you do tell them, prepare for backlash but hope for the best. to them, you are mum and dad, sides may be taken. kids never think of their parents are adults. no matter how old they are, they will view you from a child's point of view unless they are extraordinarily mature.

with your wife, i would try bring up the word 'bisexuality' first, without making it personal, just to get a bearing on her feelings towards it. you could sit her down and blurt it all out. that would make you feel better - getting it out in the open. but it wouldn't necessarily help her. when something so confronting (and it can be when other people may be being brought into the relationship on a sexual level) and so different to the basis your relationship was built on (monogamy and hetro), it can be a slap in the face. this doesn't mean she can't or won't accept it. i have accepted with my hubby's bi side. i love him and would do almost anything for him. i personally found it brought up issues for me to deal with, when i originally thought it was his issue alone. your wife needs patience, reassurance (if you want the marriage to continue), honesty and communication. if you can provide all that, and you two still deeply love each other, anything can be worked through. i want to see my hubby with another man, i want to join in (on him only) while while he's with a man. i never dreamt i would want these things, or be in this situation, but i am and i'm coping. there is life after the admission - lol.

should your wife react and say hurtful things, please don't lash out back at her. give her space, and take time to let her vent. you know it's quite a lot for you to deal with, but it's equally a hurdle for her. this may come as a big shock to her. but she may surprise you and be your no.1 supporter. big hug, b.

[tenni]

Welcome to the site RR. Wayne
You have made the first and most important step by coming out to yourself.
Beyond that, it is up to you as to who else you wish to share this with.

You have made no comment as to what you have done about your bisexuality as far as sexual activity. Bizel has given you the perspective of the married wife along with some very good advice. Your wife may perceive your coming out as a very threatening revelation. Many heterosexual women do. She may see this as a rejection of her.

If you wish the marriage to continue, re assure her that you still love her but need to share your feelings with her. If you have had same sex activity during the marriage, do not disclose this information in the initial conversation but do disclose this in a later conversation. This will give her a chance to absorb some of the initial shock. As bizel states, keep it more neutral and abstract in the first conversation. Perhaps you have already discussed bisexuality with her and plan to move more towards disclosure about your feelings about being sexually attracted to men as well as women. She may very well perceive this as a betrayal since you have stated that you have been bisexual all of your life and not told her before marriage but it is understandable that you wish to be more honest from now on. Unfortunately, many heterosexual wives are not as tolerant as bizel. You should prepare yourself for the possibility that this confession may lead to divorce but you are correct in taking this step. Hopefully, you will eventually become more at peace with yourself.

You may wish to enter counselling inorder to prepare yourself and your wife for this disclosure. You may wish to invite your wife to a counselling session when your counsellor sees it as appropriate and either reveal your sexuality to her during a session rather than one on one. You know your wife better than we do. Move slowly and I wish you happiness on your journey.

btw RR Wayne, this judgmental, character LDD is doing his usual "I really hate bisexual men but won't admit it" rant. I'm sorry if his words are upsetting to you. He is not a bisexual man but will claim to be one at times when it suits him. He is actually a bi asexual man and doesn't have sexual urges like most men who are sexual do. This plus his past relationships that he has mentioned colour his thought process and use of language to the near offensive. He has no understanding or empathy for bisexual men. I hope that you are able to perceive that he clearly has his own psychological issues that he has not satisfactorily resolved.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

btw RR Wayne, this judgmental, character LDD is doing his usual "I really hate bisexual men but won't admit it" rant. I'm sorry if his words are upsetting to you. He is not a bisexual man but will claim to be one at times when it suits him. He is actually a bi asexual man and doesn't have sexual urges like most men who are sexual do. This plus his past relationships that he has mentioned colour his thought process and use of language to the near offensive. He has no understanding or empathy for bisexual men. I hope that you are able to perceive that he clearly has his own psychological issues that he has not satisfactorily resolved.

Sigh. Tenni, go lie down before you hurt yourself. You Always have to have a dig and DD and LLD, no matter What subject they post on and its getting fucking ridiculous. This thread had Nothing to do with Duck and you had no business running him down on it or disrespecting the original poster by running off on your own personal tiraed again. :rolleyes: . If you have some anamousity towards them, you should keep to yourself and quit putting either of them down, or making snide-assed remarks to/about them. Quit being a busy bodied old woman and grow up fer Pete's sake. :rolleyes:

And Wayne-honey, do what you need to do for you, but weigh the consequences and outcome closely first. Think and act carefully before you do anything. The advice given to you is sound, heed it. :}
Good luck Sugar.
Cat

[tenni]

Cat
LDD's rants attacking bisexual men have been going on for years. This man is new and was attacked along the lines of his poor wife etc. LDD is a biasexual and has no experience according to him to be a sexual man. His words need contextualization. Not all bisexuals condemn a new poster asking for help with the little information that was given.

Your support for this bizarre character continues. Bite me.

[bizel]

oh tenni, i am sorry to see you putting people, especially ldd, down again - having a swipe without justification. ldd's words are not without merit. r.r. has stated quite clearly he has always been a bisexual. keeping that knowledge to himself from the start of his marriage has always been a loaded gun bound to go off at some stage. he lacked the courage to be honest right from the start. when you go into a marriage with such a huge secret, you have to expect fallout if it's discovered. he's only lucky he hasn't been 'outed' by some malicious tongue before now. he's walked down the aisle twice in 12 years, so has this been the issue twice? we want the best for him, but his wife is the main concern here. she is the innocent victim, not him. he had the opportunity to fix this when his last marriage ended. disclosure is a major consideration. guys on this site have openly discussed not telling their wives cos they don't want to end their marriages. r.r. has to take all that into account. he wants to bring this to a head, he must be prepared if it turns into a trainwreck. and if it does, his family will not look kindly on him. it sounds harsh, but human emotion is what it is - very judgemental. it takes a lot to sit down, take a deep breath and look at something from another person's point of view. he's going to want her to do that for him. he has to be prepared to do that for her as well. it will take patience, reassurance, honesty and communication. if he hasn't practiced that within the relationship until now, i wish him the best cos he's going to need it. sorry to be so blunt, r.r. but if you are going to make this move, you have to take responsibility for the lie. having said all that, you know your wife better than us. if she's open minded, if she loves you a lot, if maybe she's 'street savy' and could see you better than you see yourself, she may pleasantly surprise you. it does happen. i'm living proof of that - and i'm not alone.b

[LoveBothWorlds]

My wife and I agreed upon an open marriage and then I told her I had some bi interests which she was supportive of. I guess you won't know until you try telling her and if she is unsupportive about your honesty and your true feelings then maybe she's not the right one. My sense is you would be supportive of her if she came out with some bi stuff. Honesty is the best policy and actually your sex life is nobody's business but yours so you're not obligated to fill in your children not matter their age. Take it one step at a time and start with being honest with your wife and see how the conversation goes.

[DuckiesDarling]

Honestly, I am always surprised when I read these threads. I couldn't imagine not knowing my partner was bi, I had a very strong feeling he was before he sent me here. But to not tell the person you love that you are bisexual, you do both of you a great disservice. You do not show your partner the complete picture of you, instead just what you think they can handle. Imagine if you will, seeing a puzzle box where someone cut out a larger portion of the picture and then being told to put the pieces together. You have no idea what the finished product will look like and your partner has no idea who you really are.

OP, this is your second time around. Honestly, you should have told her before you married, but you didn't. Now you need to have a long overdue conversation and remember that it might not end well. But hopefully in time and with counseling you can both either agree to continue the marriage or agree to split with as little animosity as possible. But you really need to tell her before she finds out another way. Best of luck to you and your partner.


And for the record, Tenni, LDD is a bisexual male who doesn't let his dick rule his head. He's also celibate at the moment except for some really hot cyber and phone sex with me, his partner, as he is doing something a lot of people do on a normal basis, being faithful to me. He is out as a bisexual in his community and has been for a very long time. Can you say the same? Now maybe you will grow up and stop using threads as your personal platform to attack people. You want to launch an attack be a man and actually post your own thread so we can all just ignore it instead of coming to a thread like this to offer advice.

[R. R. Wayne]

Some additional information and I am sorry that I did not make this clear in my first post.

I want our marriage to end. I can't be comfortable having sex with men if my wife is in the picture. I really don't want to continue to have sex sneaking around behind her back. I am positive that she will want a divorce. That is o.k. with me.

What I need help figuring out is the best way to break the news to her with the least amount of hurt to her. BTW, we have no children from this union, but I do from another marriage.

In the end, I have to do this myself. I am hopeful that because my wife's closest friend is a gay male that she will have some understanding.

And whoever it was who told me I should done something differently 12 years ago just does not know my situation.

Final piece of information. The marriage has gone from an unbelievably hot sexual experience to one with no sex.

[DuckiesDarling]

Then R.R. Wayne, the end of the marriage is what you want, file for divorce after telling her as gently as you can that this just isn't working anymore. That you don't want both of you trapped in a marriage that has died. Don't use the telling her of your bisexuality as an excuse to force her to file. Sorry, I can't be more helpful but it's clear that you want an easy out and there just isn't one. Good luck.

[Long Duck Dong]

Some additional information and I am sorry that I did not make this clear in my first post.

I want our marriage to end. I can't be comfortable having sex with men if my wife is in the picture. I really don't want to continue to have sex sneaking around behind her back. I am positive that she will want a divorce. That is o.k. with me.

What I need help figuring out is the best way to break the news to her with the least amount of hurt to her. BTW, we have no children from this union, but I do from another marriage.

In the end, I have to do this myself. I am hopeful that because my wife's closest friend is a gay male that she will have some understanding.

And whoever it was who told me I should done something differently 12 years ago just does not know my situation.

thanks for sharing that......

I would make it a dual thing.... a mutual agreement to seperate and divorce..... that helps make it easier to seperate and while it may not lessen the pain of divorce, it can definately help you both with the seperation, as one of the worst parts of divorce, is when they turn nasty......

personally.... I am anti cheating but in this case, you have made a choice that is in the best interests of you, your wife and the marriage... and thats something that I must admit, I respect....

my advice is to talk with your wife and admit to her you are bisexual and struggling with it quite badly.... you can tell her more about what you have been doing if you so choose.... but as you say, you want a path of least resistance and if possible, least suffering.....

shes gonna be hurt, annoyed, upset and possibly venting at you a lot for a couple of days... don't fight her... as hard as it can be... don't fight back.... give her the time and space to shimmer down so you can talk with her about how best to end the marriage with the least issues, so she is free to walk away.....

lil hint.... a few times I have seen people in marriages, do the reverse and the partner has indicated that they want to stay in the marriage in the face of everything that has happened.... and that puts the pressure on you.... cos if you want out... you will have to play hard ball and say simply and bluntly, you want a divorce......


I believe I was the one that told you you should have done something 12 years ago and yes I do not know your situation.... but now your sexuality has become a noose around your neck and may end up hanging you...

you have mentioned being now retired, so I am going to assume that you were closeted for valid reasons at the time you got married..... and I am also going to assume that being outed as a bisexual would have ended your employment at the time and possibly more......

its a harsh world out there... and a unforgiving one.... so i can only hope that the path you now walk, is one that is as pain free as possible for you both... and again I wish you luck

[Long Duck Dong]

Cat
LDD's rants attacking bisexual men have been going on for years. This man is new and was attacked along the lines of his poor wife etc. LDD is a biasexual and has no experience according to him to be a sexual man. His words need contextualization. Not all bisexuals condemn a new poster asking for help with the little information that was given.

Your support for this bizarre character continues. Bite me.

actually if you read my past posts tenni, you will see me talking about my many sexual excounters with males and females..... and the numerous times I have stepped in to help bisexual / lesbian / gay and trans men and women, save their relationships and marriages....

you would have seen me refer to the fact that I am a bottom, not a top.. and talk about giving and recieving oral sex from males and females.... you would have seen my partner talk about using sex toys together with me.... and how I came out to my partner as a bisexual before we got together

I have posted numerous times about my sexual relationships and how I have now live a asexual and celibate lifestyle and I am monogamous and faithful to my partner as we both work through some major life issues together....

I am a openly out bisexual male ( tho i correctly ID as pansexual ) and my closet male friend is a bisexual male, I have served with bisexual males in the military and I have the greatest of respect for them and I have spent many years doing counselling and therapy work with the LGBT and the heterosexual community, including supporting the fight for the civil union in nz, along side christians and other groups that are constantly getting bashed in this forum..... and you have the guile to say i hate bisexual males ???

you want to talk about attacking bisexual males.... try looking at your own personal attacks on me and my heterosexual partner on a constant basis... while you hide in the closet as a bisexual male and tell me I have no idea about being bisexual and what its like to be bisexual

I have refered the issue to drew, tenni... cos I and many other members have had enough

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

LMAO Thanks for the offer Tenni, butt I'll pass. What you wrote about LLD was unneeded. He didnt say anything wrong to the OP, You just had to throw your little dig in there to slander LDD once again, totally unprovoked. You are Always doing that. LDD was being totally supportive or RR, the same as the rest of us, he didnt need to hear your personal opinions. And if you dont like what he, or DD has to say, why not be the smart person you are and put them both on ignore, instead of being a muck-raker.
And you know better to tell me to bite you. You know that I would..then hand that cheek back and tell you to go find yourself some Super Glue....:rolleyes:
Cat

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

This man is new and was attacked along the lines of his poor wife etc.
And just Where was his wife attacked?? I didnt see any of that in Anybodys posts.
Cat