Some feelings I am confused about...

[JinJan]

Maybe you all here, can help me, to understand some feelings I have been experiencing. I was going to say this may sound strange, but, maybe not, here! (which is why I feel I can be free with my feelings here...thanks!)

For a long time, I have felt more "male" than "female". Yes, I have a completely female body (body parts and all), but, it has gotten to the point, where, in my mind, I feel female on top, and male on the bottom (I had gotten to the point, at one time, where I experimented with wearing male genitalia, for a while). Also, even though I find myself attracted to women, as well as men, I find myself watching more "male to male" gay movies, rather than the female to female ones.

The way I dress, is basically, feminine on top, and male on the bottom (I have narrow hips, anyway, so I fit men's pants, better than women's). I have a pretty short hair cut now (should I post a pic here?)...I have gravitated to that, over a long period of time. My hubby liked it long, but I finally just "had" to cut it shorter, and shorter...now, I feel like "me".

So, I am a bit confused where all this maleness, is coming from...I understand, that many lesbians are very male, in nature...I just don't understand my being attracted to the male-only, gay movies.

I am also wondering, if these male feelings, are causing some of the problems with me "receiving" physical love, from my hubby...maybe I am confused "down there"!

Well, I have bared my soul, here...no one else knows about this, until now. I would welcome any sincere comments or advice, regarding these feelings of mine. I keep feeling that I have forgotten to mention something else, but this is enough, for now, anyway, I think. Thanks to all who respond, in advance! Love you! JinJan.

P.S. Thank you, so very much, to whomever started, and is adminstering, this site...it is literally, a lifesaver, for me!

[cornholejoe]

show a pic and what you really want is to be a man well get your husband to let you fuck him with a strapon

[Briar Rose]

I thought really hard about posting this because it is unusual and only a few people know this about me, too. On the other hand, it's important that we not isolate ourselves and think that "it's only just me" and feel like we are freaky.

You are not alone. Believe me. I felt totally odd until I had a conversation with a couple of female friends who identify as bisexual, just like me. We all write same-sex erotic romantic fiction. Many of us write male/male and male/male/female stories.

Clothing, haircuts, interpersonal interaction styles, fantasies etc.--I've had this exact conversation with them. One of my friends says she feels like there's a gay guy looking out her eyes. I say that there's a bisexual guy looking out of mine.

I'm happy being female--I love my curves (although like many women I wish they were a bit less curvy; it would be healthier) and I love the fact that my body has produced the miracle of a living human being--but I am somewhat butch. In my 40's I've become very comfortable with that.

I don't know if it's germane but all three of us are PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) women and we all three have some rather alpha characteristics.

This is why I find that report that somebody (Katja?) posted relevant. The one that said that the bisexual population was underserved. No one studies us (bisexuals and folks who live in the grey zone of human sexuality) in all our glorious diversity in a longitudinal and in depth way.

[JinJan]

Thank you very much, for telling me about your most private thoughts...thoughts which are very similar to mine. I understand how hard that must have been for you to do, and I very much appreciate it. Because, as you said, I was feeling that I was the "only one", with these strange, and seemingly opposed, feelings.

I guess if I were to pick one, I would say that I, many times, feel like there is a gay male, looking out from my eyes. I think, that when I am attracted to a woman, I am actually attracted, as a "male"...at least, that is what it feels like...so, it would look like I am a lesbian, but, I would "feel" like it was just a normal, male to female, attraction. Boy, is this confusing to me!

I think I am beginning to become a bit butch, also...but I don't think I have a very severe look. Actually, I believe that my face, is more androgenous, than anything else. If I didn't have breasts, I think I could pass as a "pretty" male, or a "tomboy" female.

As for my attraction to my hubby, I think I feel like a female, at that time...but, sometimes, I am not sure. I feel like I enjoy giving blowjobs more than the average female. I haven't yet had a desire to "fuck" anyone.

My attractions, at this stage, are more romantic in nature...not hard-core...maybe that will come...but, the attraction is definitely real.

Well, I am not sure what I am saying, at this point, so I will sign off for now. Thanks again, BR, your thoughts were very enlightening to me...much appreciated. JinJan.

[rutemptedalso]

I learned about same sex activities when I was young. I didn't even know what sex was before that. He was three years older than me. I remember feeling so connected to him like we were one. I remember looking forward to seeing him each time. We spent a lot of time together.I'm pretty sure that my attraction to men now is because I long for that oneness again.

For me to be intimate with my wife I have to play all my cards just right to get her in the mood. If I don't play my cards right it might be weeks or months before I can have sex with her. Our personalities and thought processes are so different it almost impossible. Because I still love her I don't think I could be in a relationship with another woman.

There are times when I feel a little guilty for wanting a man but I think that it's just because I'm afraid of the rejection. Maybe it's more fear than guilt.

[transcendMental]

JinJan, your story is interesting. I don't have nearly enough information to form an opinion, so I'm just throwing this out there. But I think you would benefit from reading a bit about the transsexual experience, particularly the FtM experience (that's genetic women who feel male inside).

That notion of feeling like a man looking out of a woman's body is the exact analog of my experience of having been a woman looking out of a man's body. Briar also sounds similar, but it sounds like so far, she has less confusion or dissatisfaction over this than I (or you?) had/have. It's harder to be sure with her, since it sounds like she's perfectly happy as a woman, and her feelings don't seem to cause any real inconveniences to her.

There were once a few FtM members here, who would have been good for you to talk to about this. I don't see them around much these days, though. Hopefully, if they do check in with the site and see a connection between themsevles and you, they'll write to tyou. From what I've read, and people I've talked to, it sounds like FtMs can definitely have issues with enjoying being penetrated during sex.

I have plenty of resources about transsexualism, if you're interested, and I would also be happy to chat with you. Good luck.

tm

[Briar Rose]

The thing about me is that I feel balanced. I'm comfortable having both male and female characteristics. I don't feel as if I'm in the wrong body. I feel as if I'm exactly where I need to be. I am mostly female with a very strong streak of male.

I won't say it's perfectly resolved or anything. Keeping your balance is always tricky. Sometimes I feel like I tilt one way and sometimes I feel like I'm tilting the other....

I can understand guys (sometimes). I can understand women (sometimes). I can navigate amorphous territory so to speak.

This balanced feeling may be a product of my religion. As a neo-Pagan, there is a strong component of symbolic inclusion of all genders, no gender, gender mixing etc. within the concepts of deity and the symbolic language.

I tell people that my version of Pagan is gender-full.

But this is just my experience; everyone's journey belongs to themselves. It's just good to know that we can have company and support, should we need or desire it. :)

[Maggot]

Since childhood I have been more male orientated in my behaviour (as opposed to society's view of how girls should behave physically and emotionall). I was, and still am a tomboy. I normally wear trousers [Katherine Hepburn is right, you can't adventure in a dress], I ride motorbikes, I like tinkering with engines, I prefer wearing my hair short. I have a typically hour glass figure, but friends say I walk and run like a man (? how I manage that with my hips I will never know).

I know women are expected to have a sweet, fluffy and feminine way of thinking, but there I cannot comply. My mind is not geared to sweet and fluffy, but this does not mean it is a male mind - it's my mind, analytical, confident, occasionally ruthless and downright aggresive at times - traights deemed 'male' by society in general, but not mutually exclusive to that gender.

[JinJan]

I am still assimilating all of your great thoughts, and advice...thanks for all of it!

I guess I would like to add a couple more thoughts, on my part...after reading what I wrote earlier, I know that I sounded pretty freaked out about the "male" part of me. But, most of the time, I feel like Briar Rose...kind of balanced...I usually feel, about half female, and half male...and, like Briar Rose, I am good with that...it was when the male side, which I had not expressed for many years, apparently, came out with a bang, that I got kind of scared. But now, I am feeling pretty comfortable with the "mix".

I WAS wondering one thing...does anyone think that my being bisexual, has anything to do with why I have trouble letting my husband play with my pussy? I DO enjoy intercourse, actually, but there seems to be something holding me back, from experiencing joy, just for myself (i.e., pussy play), by my husband. I keep thinking it has something to do with my past...which wasn't quite sexual abuse, but still had a deep impact on me, because I was such a sensitive child. I am just curious...if I could resolve THAT issue, things would be pretty good for me and my hubby.

Well...thanks for listening, all...JinJan.

[Maggot]

Hi JinJan - I don't think the trouble with 'pussy play' has anything to do with being bisexual at all - more the 'incident(s)' from your past throwing a spanner in the works.