New here...what does this gesture mean, pls?

[JinJan]

Hi, all...let me first say that, I have been reading some of the posts, over the last few days, and I am very impressed with the quality of folks here! Thank you, in advance.

I am a female, married to a male, for 20 years. Over the last few years, I have noticed myself feeling attracted to a few women, and some of them, I have actually felt "protective" about (that is an issue for another day, I think!).

Anyway...I haven't done anything about these feelings, for several reasons...but, recently, I saw an acquaintance, in a Taco Bell...we had talked, previously, mostly about how we liked each other's hair styles (we both have pretty short hair). Well, just as she was getting ready to leave, she reached over toward me, and put her fingers in the hair on the top of my head, and "tousled" it, then said, "I love your hair"...and left. I should say here, I do not know her sexual orientation...I guess I just have a "feeling" about her, being interested in other women.

Now, she knows I am married...was that just a playful, "I would like to see what your response is...", kind of gesture, or what, please? I AM attracted to her, although, my feelings towards women, at this stage, are very "romantic" in nature...I haven't had strong urges to get real intimate.

After saying all of this...I have a feeling, that some of you may "enlighten" me, a whole lot more, than I was originally planning on (meaning...I am probably "hiding" a whole bunch of feelings, right?)...but, bring it on! I will do my best to process all that is said, and I appreciate any thoughts on this topic. This is all very new to me...and yet it is very serious to me, also...I want to understand myself better.

As a separate note...I am recovering from a brain injury, so, if I ask for more "clarification", or don't seem to "get it", right away...it is not for a lack of trying...my brain just works slower than most. Thanks for listening, anyway! JinJan.

P.S. I am 52 years old...just fyi.

[maxtor]

try to be where she is or ask her is she would like to meet for coffee and continue talking and just happen to bring up something nice about her figure or just anything to get her to thinking an maybe it will go from there. her gesture as she was leaving had been thought out by her and it was her way of telling you that she was interested in my opinion. i am a man but the gestures are still the same with either gender. i would take it further if i was interested in her. it may become a hot relationship and help you to recover from that surgery by releasing some sex hormones. i know i always feel better after good sex.

[cddm50]

JinJan wrote:
...but, recently, I saw an acquaintance, in a Taco Bell...we had talked, previously, mostly about how we liked each other's hair styles (we both have pretty short hair). Well, just as she was getting ready to leave, she reached over toward me, and put her fingers in the hair on the top of my head, and "tousled" it, then said, "I love your hair"...and left. I should say here, I do not know her sexual orientation...I guess I just have a "feeling" about her, being interested in other women.

Maybe she is interested, maybe she is more of a physical person and didn't mean anything by it sexually. Some people are like that. Another "meet up" would be in order to learn more. Is this where you want to go with this or do you just want some confirmation on your feelings? I would have to agree with Maxtor as this does seem a bit flirty.

If you are willing to go forward with it you can try and set yourself up to meet her again. Do you know her schedule or daily routine? (not that you want to stalk her...)

Be upbeat, cheerful when you see her again. Try to compliment her on something. You could mention that you really appreciated her comment about your hair and that it made your day/lifted your spirits, etc. That might be enough to follow up with asking her for having coffee or even lunch together. Try to act like you were already planning this for yourself but would "love" her company and some conversation. If she is really interested she'll likely say YES or if she is truly busy she will offer some alternate date/time to meet later.

In any event take it slow and don't push. Watch her body language and watch yours too. How you interact with her will likely lead her to be more or less friendly. Keep yourself open, engage her eyes, (don't get too dreamy with her), smile, etc. makes you look more open and willing. Watch for similar signs. If she gets physical again with you, taps your hand to get your attention, or pats you on the shoulder, maybe she is just a physical person. But if she says 'Oh you have a great complexion' and strokes your face or strokes your shoulder or grabs and holds your hand on and off then you are likely correct with your feelings.

But be prepared for where this leads. If you are not ready and were only trying to "find out" which way she goes you may lose a friend if she expected something different.

GL with your feelings.

HJ

[Long Duck Dong]

jinjan....

normally the answer that is mostly given, is talk to her and ask her if she is more than just a lil interested in you...

lol its easy to say that.... cos we tend to forget how differcult it can be to do it at times......

so my suggestion is sit down with her over a cup of coffee and make it about your own feelings and thoughts.... say to her that you have a awkward matter you need help with.... and then tell her you have being having romantic dreams about other women and that you are a lil concerned about that as you are not sure what it means....

that opens the door for your friend to share her opinion and insight.... and allowing for your own ability to pick up on others feelings and desires, you may find that the talk shifts to a level that can make it easier for you to express your own feelings and attraction to her......

I keep getting a image in my mind of you and another female sharing a soft, gentle but very warm kiss... the type of kiss that is more romantic than sexual... the type of kiss that shares feelings of * thanks... caring ... support... warmth... compassion *....

lol I think many ladies may understand that type of kiss....and some of the males....

that is the same feeling that I feel around the scene in the taco bell... it was a warm intimate, caring and sensitive touch... a way of talking without words and a possible acknowledgement that she may also know more than words can say.... and she understands....

that is the beauty of non verbal communication..... we can say so much in simple ways......

[JinJan]

Doesn't anyone sleep at night?...lol I was amazed to receive replies at such a late night hour (except for LDD...from NZ)!

It is easier for me, to reply to each user's posts, separately, if that's allright...so, here goes.

Maxtor...it was interesting that you commented, that her gesture, was "thought out"...I hadn't thought about that! Also, I agree, that with regards to gestures, in general, it isn't limited to one sex, or the other. One interesting discovery, on my part, is that, with this situation, all of a sudden, I feel like the "guy"...having to figure out the next move, and to try and determine her "intentions". Being a female myself, you would think I would understand it, a bit better, than I am...lol! It makes me realize how hard the guys have it, in this world of "guess the intentions"!

Hunkajunk...The main thing that you said, that gave me pause, was "why" I wanted to meet with her. Do I really want to go further with her, or am I just trying to find out what persuasion, she is...well, there is a third reason...I don't know any lesbians, or bisexuals, and I would love to meet someone, to whom I can talk...and learn from. But, I will make sure that I don't use "Kim" like that...that is unethical. Besides, with all of you folks here on the board, I feel like I have "someone", now, from whom I can now "learn"!

LDD...I like your idea about just sitting down with her (which I still need to arrange), and just bring up MY feelings...and see what her reaction is. As for doing any "planning" of what to say, that is almost impossible for me, with my brain injury...as I have trouble with focus, and finding words. If I can write it out, ahead of time, that works best...but that wouldn't work in this case. So, all I can do...is just be honest...about MY feelings, and see what happens.

I liked the "image" you said you got...of she and I...sharing a "warm kiss"...that is right on, LDD...at least, from MY perspective. You said some very touching, and wonderful words, re. caring, compassion, and speaking without words. You know, I almost feel that I am attracted to a person's "energy", and don't even care whether they are male or female...it is all about their energy.

Last...and this is a biggie...how, and when, do I tell my husband, that I am bi? Should I experiment a little, on my own, first, so I understand myself better, or does it not matter where I am, in my evolution, when I tell him?

Thanks again, so much, for the wonderful advice, all...I will try to quit asking so many questions, soon! JinJan.

[LunarGoblin]

As someone who recently came out to his fiancee that he was bi, I can tell you it's always better to involve your partner, unless you want to destroy the trust between you two. Be open with him, let him know you love him, but there's a side of yourself now that you weren't aware of before that you feel you need to take some time to explore in order to understand yourself better. NEVER go behind his back, because someday he WILL find out, and by then it may be too late to save things. Just be open with him, and tell him every detail, but assure him that you still love him. Let us know how it goes! ^_^

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hon, to another woman it sounds like it was just an affectionate gesture. To tease, and maybe show affection. If you'd like to pursue the friendship, then do so. But dont read anything into that isnt there just yet. :} Give it time and see what occures. And if the feelings continue, then talk to your hubby and let him know...dont keep it hidden inside. Partners should never be kept in the dark. :}
Just my humble :2cents:
Cat

[bizel]

hi jinjan, i'm the wife of a recently bi-guy (i usually put that just to help the threader see where i'm coming from). i'm a touchy feelly person. i love to touch an arm when talking to that person. recently due to our marking Anzac day, i could have pulled the car over in the middle of heavy traffic and raced over to old war vets and hugged them. i think this is why my hubby says i'm a flirt. it's not flirting for me. i just sometimes really feel a need to touch when i'm enjoying someone in conversation. for me, it's not sexual at all.

i do agree with the others. you are presently in a relationship so i feel you have a duty to put that first. you mention your hubby doesn't know about your bi side. casually bring the word into a conversation - not attached to you necessarily. see how receptive he is. then, start with a little fantasy talk - you and a woman (you could include him). then you could casually mention you'd love to try it - how does that make him feel? tell him you wouldn't do it without him cos he means too much to you. make him feel he's the priority (cos he is as your husband). if he feels safe and secure with your love and commitment, he will feel less threatened by it. but take it very slowly. with your friend, if they are open minded (and for me that's really hard to figure out), you could bring the subject up and all would be well. but you also risk losing the friendship if you reveal you are attracted to them as some people don't even realise deep down they are anti-gay (do we call it gay?? sorry, i'm not up on the terminology) and find it very confronting. or she may be ok with hearing it but not be interested. i am awful at picking up on signals so 'touching of hair' for me, would be a completely innocent gesture. i would suggest you talk to your hubby first. if all is ok there, and you really need to find out, call your friend for coffee. you have a huge step to take before you act on this. i feel your marriage needs to be cared for first, unless it's on shakey ground and either of you are looking for an excuse to exit. sorry to say that, but it does happen. remember, we are here if you need us. hug, b.

[cfr50s]

If you take a moment and research body language and especially lesbian body language, you will find that twirling another woman's hair with her finger is a form of unspoken lesbian flirting. It is the second most common gesture. First most common is stroking her ring finger while talking with you. Perhaps you could have a bit of fun learning body language. Take our word......it is fact not fiction. Body language speaks loud and clear if you take the time to understand the message being sent. You won't learn overnight but you will become much more aware of the other person and better able to approach them in a given situation.:bipride:

[JinJan]

I want to thank all of you, who responded to my questions. The main thing I got from all of what was said, was that I should basically, slow down, and not rush anything.

When it was mentioned that I should tell my husband first, and even involve him with a three-way that I desire, I realized, that I am an "infant" in this world of bisexuality...I am not anywhere near ready for a three-way...heck, I am still trying to figure out what was meant by the tousling of my hair! LOL (thanks to the person, sorry I forgot your user name, who said that the twirling of hair, is an important aspect of lesbian body language...I did not know that...I will try to study up on it).

And, before I go anywhere with another female, I need to get my own sex life, with my hubby, in better order. It has not been great, and that has probably been mostly my fault. I, like many others, I am sure, had some early emotional issues to deal with, and I thought I had covered most of them...but, now I am wondering, if I might have been suppressing my bisexual feelings...and that that has caused some of my inhibitions. Or, maybe that is just an easy excuse.

I will say this...since I have become more aware of my attraction to women, and had that little encounter with Kim...whether or not it meant anything...I have felt more liberated inside, and that is translating, more positively, into my sex life with my hubby. So, for that, I am glad!

Anyway...thanks to all...I am going to keep reading the posts here, and proceeding along with my newfound "interest" (women, in general)...slowly. I will just try to enjoy each moment of each day...and see where it leads. Thanks to all, here...your advice, from each of you, has been invaluable, to me. Take care, all...JinJan.

[bigbadmax]

I agree that slowly, slowly catchee monkey.

Not all interactions have to have sexual intentions. To automatically jump into a 3sum would be unwise as you stated. A certain proportion would love to imagine that scenario, however one should look at consequences of rushed decisions.

Jinjan, you seem very level headed....best thing is to judge same sex relations as those of mixed sexes.....you dont sleep with all your male friends (or do you lol) so its the same with females.

The jist is, when its time,if at all, you will instinctively know.

[drugstore cowboy]

She was just giving you a compliment about your hair, not flirting with you or wanting sex.