How do I tell her?

[LunarGoblin]

I'm a 21 year old male who's been engaged to a wonderful woman for over a year now, but recently have been having more and more urges to do things with another man. I have had experiences in the past (one she knew about--her best friend who's gay did me [it was actually her idea], and once behind her back where I gave a bj to a total stranger I met off craiglist). My urges are only submissive in nature--I have no desire to screw a guy or have my dick sucked, I want to be screwed/do the sucking. The problem is, other than that one time when it was her idea, the subject has never come up. She was ok with it as a one time thing, but I want a regular thing out of it. I love her very much and our sex life is great, I just have this itch that I really need to scratch. I've tried bringing toys into the bedroom to help, but they just don't do it for me. What should I do, and how do I tell her? Help please!

[bizel]

hi lg, i'm the wife of a newly bi guy. he came out just before xmas. i congratulate you on your wanting to be honest with your fiance. sit her down, tell her you've been thinking more and more about needing a man's touch, how it's become an obsession and is driving you to distraction. she has supported this before, in fact, encouraged it. be open with her and explain how you love her, don't want to lose her, but need this - if only occassionally. she obviously is aware of your need, but just not how deep it is. you need to reassure her that she is the priority, and ask if she can support it.

you know deep down, you can't keep this a secret forever. it is going to come out eventually, so best do it sooner than later. i think your odds are good. if you keep the lines of communication open, and make sure she realises she's the one you want - that the other is simply physical and nothing more, and if she truly loves you, she'll be receptive. she may surprise you. she may want to join in, or at least watch and enjoy your pleasure.

please keep in touch and let us know how it went. you may be able to offer hope for others in your situation. hug, b.

[DuckiesDarling]

Welcome to the site, Lunar, now the important part is she already knows there is this side to you and she accepts it. You have to talk to her and listen, both to what is said and not said. The only way to handle this is to keep being honest and I have a feeling that the being honest is why she fell in love with you. I wish you the best of luck.

[billandbetti]

Hey

Im the wife of a bi guy, we have been together 7 years, iv always known but we didnt openly speak about it til pretty much this year, because i knew when the idea came up to have a bi mmf, i was all for it, but I think thats only because we had been together soo long, so jealousy didnt come into it, im unsure if i could have done it when we first got together i dont know if that was because i was young or because our relationship was new....

but be honest with her, we went through a huge bad patch as he was unhappy but didnt open up to me, I really think that if we didnt have a child we wouldnt have lasted through this bad patch, but since he has opened up our relationship is wonderful.

If i was you i would be honest, if your not now when will you be, if she has orgainised for you to hook up with a guy before then she is obviously ok with it, the longer you leave it the harder it will be...

I wish you all the luck

[Realist]

As one who has both hidden my bisexuality from an ex and been open to my present GF, I can tell you that lying, hiding in the shadows, and cheating, perpetuates itself. One lie will spawn another and another. If you have any conscience, care about your lady, and know you're doing wrong, it will eat at you and cause ulcers, paranoia, and heartbreak. I have promised myself to never live that way again.

Since your fiancee knows you're bi and has accepted you, now is the time to get your thoughts revealed to her. She certainly doesn't not need to be lied to.

Take it easy, don't pile too much on her at one time, but If I were you, before I'd put that ring on her finger, I'd clear the air between us. If you truly love her, don't allow any wedge come between you. If you don't love her, now is the time to go your own ways.

In my own case, I am totally free to express my interests and, within reason, explore my bisexuality........ that is, when the conditions we've both agreed upon are met. My GF is also bisexual, but we live some distance apart. We decided, when we first began, that if we met someone we had a mutual interest in, we would meet that person and discuss our options. Even though we've decided not to be with anyone else for over two years, we know if we do meet someone, we can be open and honest about our intentions.

Believe me, there is no comparison between the dark life I lead before and the wonderful open relationship I am now one half of!

Good luck!

[LunarGoblin]

Well, I finally told her, but it didn't go so well.

Apparently, when I slept with her friend (which was, if you recall, her idea) she was VERY upset and mad at the both of us, but never once mentioned it until the other night when I brought up being bi. So when I brought it up, she got mad, upset, and cried. A lot.

Things were very awkward between us yesterday, but last night she finally decided to discuss things calmly with me and said that she would let me explore this side of myself even thought it kind of pains her. :/

To be honest, I'm starting to doubt whether I should have told or not. Yes, I got what I wanted in the end, but I don't know if I can go through with it like this. She seems to be hoping that I'll sleep with two or three people and then move on, like this is just a phase. But what if that's not the end of it? She wants me to briefly explore this side, then decide that I don't need it and only need her. But what if that's not the case? I don't know what to do now >.<

[bigbadmax]

Better to be honest now than be caught in a lie.

Being bi is tough at times,as is all life. If the relationship is meant to be then she will forgive and accept, if not,it will be hard and you will move onbut be a better person for it.

keep smiling

bbm

[Maggot]

Fantasising about having a bisexual partner, and actually having one are two very different things, as I think your girlfriend is finding out. She encouraged your sexual encounter with her gay friend, but got upset when it actually happened (despite not telling you so at the time).

You've opened up and told her you're bisexual and now she is feeling acutely threatened that you fancy other men, and is wondering when you're going to say the relationship is over and you're leaving her for Mr Right.

It's going to take some time and a lot of reassurance for her to know that you love her, that she is the one you want to marry, and that despite wanting submissive sex with other men, you're not going to run off with one.

I'm Bi, and my husband who is straight, still has moments when extra reassurance is required, even after 23 years together.

[LunarGoblin]

Well, we had another discussion today not too long ago and she seems much more open to the idea, so long as she's involved in the process (helping pick a guy we both like, and possibly even watching). I have to say, I feel much better about it now that I've come out and told her, and she's come to terms with it. It feels like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders now.

[bigbadmax]

my wife and I are both bi.
we vet partners together.

[Vikkster230]

I've been with my husband for almost 15 years (married for almost 10). Although I haven't acted on my fantasies/feelings for women, we've talked about the boundaries that we'd both want in place. Am thinking that the hurt and sadness was the initial surprise. Glad that you both are able to work through this and come out stronger and closer...

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Thats very cool that she likes the idea of helping you pick our a lover. Thats very hot. Its also soo much fun to play with two(or more) men at a time. Its very arousing to help arouse them and make them ready to interact with each other. Maybe you can convince her to play too. :bigrin:
Remember: Keep Mama happy, and she'll keep You happy. You 2 pleasure Her unto she cant see straight and maybe she'll enjoy letting you 2 carry on..lol
Its a thought. Have fun Darlin.
Cat, who needs to open the window. It got awful warm in here....lol
;)

[billandbetti]

congrats, thats awesome, my first i didnt know how either of us would act during or after, but we decided our first would be a bi 3 way, we joined a website and met a really nice guy we both liked, we had to have a few dinks b4 hand was very nerve racking neither of us had slept or played with anyone in over 6 years, but we were high fiving eachother behind our play mates back we had a ball.....
Once i knew i was comfy with it i changed our rules and let him have one on ones with men, just make sure you keep her involved and go at her pace, hopefully you will have the same success as we have had, i still enjoy picking and chosing guys for him to play with and on occasions ones for the both of us to play with...

Now the hard part will start for you, finding a bi guy your both into or a gay guy that doesnt mind a girl being in the room, its a lot harder than it sounds, but we have met some wonderful guys and havnt had a bad experience yet.

your a very brave and lucky guy

[manhatten]

I liked the way bigbadmax said it, short and simple.Couldn't have said it better but I'll try anyway cause I'm free to do so, right?
Glancing down thru your responses, I see many have already said this, and I couldn't agree with this more. You need to tell her now so you don't regret it later. You might even be shocked at the answer you get, so prepare for that as well.She might actually encourage it(hey,she did before!), want to watch, maybe has some of her own secret desires that will come out then and you'll continue on better than ever if that happens.
On the other hand, all hell may break loose, but it's really better to suck up and deal with it in it's infant stage than when you start accumulating friends, property,etc, and end up in superior court. You'll be wiser and stronger eventually and there will be more fish in the sea if you keep yourself receptive to that. All in all, since she knows about the incident before, even encouraged it, I think it's a safe bet that she secretly has some secret desires herself and wants you to take the initiative on this matter. If not, maybe you can get a swing vote or find a lobbyist(friend,i.e.that other dude) to help you out. Let us know how it goes, but do it soon! Regrets are a bitch!