Bi, Gay, or Totally Confused?

[njbiguy07]

I realize labels shouldn't matter, but I'm in my early 30's now. At this point, I kind of want to know where I stand.

I love being with guys sexually. Well, I've only done oral, but I love it.

The problem with declaring myself as being gay, is that relationship wise, and my emotions aren't really with guys right now.

Now, I don't know if that will transition over time. I've never even kissed a guy before. If I'm bisexual, that's fine but more confusing. Because I don't see the desire to please a guy like that going away any time soon.

I know I'm not straight, so at least I've got that figured out! lol

[Stinger78]

Hello there, njbiguy. You can call me Scratchy. Everybody does. :-) I felt that I must post a reply to you because for one; my sexuality is seemingly much like yours. The only real significant difference being I've done more with men than you say you have.

I guess I'll start off with what I consider myself. I would say that I am bi, which is true. However, I don't personally like the implicated definition of 'bisexual', which is that one is both physically and emotionally attracted to both men and women. That's not the case for me. Not to say I haven't liked, or had many things in common with some of the guys I've been with, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I developed any type of 'love' or pining for them. Well, I won't say ANY type of love. I did of course love them as I would any of my other friends.

My point here, njbiguy, is that since my first time with another guy at age 19, I have enjoyed the occasional sexual encounter with guys, but when it comes to falling for someone, establishing a committed relationship, and emotional ties and bonds; for me, it's strictly with the women.

I hope I've helped somehow. Take care.

Scratchy
32/m
Albuquerque, NM

[HzyJD]

Hi NJ,
I'm 31 and the not so str8 wife of a bi man. I'm mostly straight but I've had SS encounters in the past. I get turned on by women but have no desire to have a relationship with a lady. My husband prefers relationships with women but likes men sexually.
I think you should not worry about what your are, but who you are and what you like. Don't think that SSA means you can't be in a relationship with a woman though. You just have to be honest from the start so u can find the right one that will love u for who you really are.
Have fun exploring ;-)

[Realist]

NJBIGUY,

I've always felt different from everyone else and knew early-on that I had my own set of rules. For a time, I was confused and couldn't organize my thought process...spent way too much time being depressed, because I didn't fit in with most others.

Lucky for me, I met an amazing older bisexual lady, to advised me to not try to change myself to suit others, but to be who I was. She said I should seek out people, who had similar interests, desires, and values.

I didn't always follow her advice. But, when I did my life became more interesting and pleasurable. Finally, I decided to be who I wanted to be, and selected friends and lovers were who were compatible.

Life was good, is good.

[Bluebiyou]

I realize labels shouldn't matter, but I'm in my early 30's now. At this point, I kind of want to know where I stand.

I love being with guys sexually. Well, I've only done oral, but I love it.

The problem with declaring myself as being gay, is that relationship wise, and my emotions aren't really with guys right now.

Now, I don't know if that will transition over time. I've never even kissed a guy before. If I'm bisexual, that's fine but more confusing. Because I don't see the desire to please a guy like that going away any time soon.

I know I'm not straight, so at least I've got that figured out! lol
NJBIGUY, are you sure?
You're certainly having a rough time diving into the gay side of your bisexuality.

Passion and sexual interest (libido) is different for everyone.

You keep expressing interest in women, yet it doesn't happen.

Are you disfigured, morbidly obese, or very very introverted?
I'm guessing the last.
In 4 plus years you've posted a dozen times.
I've posted about 800 and others who joined long ago typically post thousands... but then there's ! Holly ! who's made 2 posts in the last 5 plus years, yet she visits regularly.
NJBIGUY, it's easy to hook up with men, men are (socially acceptable) sluts. Also, intimacy is a human need. We humans crave intimacy with another. Women, on the other hand... typically require finesse in the initial attraction phase. What I'm saying is women typically don't go searching under rocks for men, we have to find them. Even if they're desperate or very codependent, they'll only hook up with guys who present themselves. Every sort of guy can get lucky with a girl, unless he has difficult/insurmountable social skills.
It's true, being short, obese, disfigured/deformed, makes it much more difficult but... nothing closes doors like introversion.
I strongly recommend you seek professional counseling. For the sake of your own happiness, please do so. In my entire life, it was the best thing I did for myself ... incidentally at your age.
I believe, after reading your past posts that you are slightly bisexual, but that predominantly, men are a substitute for your real desire.
This I say for you alone, your situation, not anyone else here on this site.

[hgf33]

Look up the Kinsey scale. I'm a firm believer in it bc I was confused too, and I don't believe bisexuality (or sexuality in general) is just black or white (pink or blue? lol). I think it's very accurate.

And can I just say that the scale provided by this site was confusing to me, since Kinsey's scale 0-6.

[njbiguy07]

I thank everyone for your thoughts on the matter. I'm actually thinking I might be gay, but scared to admit that to myself.
I hadn't thought about the idea of being gay until this past year, but when I did...the thought got me turned on even more so.

The idea of being kissed by a guy 5 years ago would have made me cringe. Now, I think it might be hot!
So confused. I love dick though...I can tell you that. They are beautiful! lol

[frontierman2011]

Who says you have to declare yourself as anything at all? I was born a heterosexual and just because I sucked a man's cock once doesn't change who I am. I'm married, happily, and still consider myself to be heterosexual; just one who sucked a cock once and got off on it. I don't consider myself to be gay at all; perhaps I am bisexual by definition, but surely not ready to give up that beautiful creature we call woman. If you were here with me at this moment and stood next to me with your cock hanging out of your pants, I'd put it in my mouth and suck you to tears, but I'm not gay :o)

Have I confused you even more?

[njbiguy07]

Denial is a powerful thing. If you were actually hetero or straight you wouldn't want to have sex with men at all or suck a man's penis at all.

Well, I can't comment on his orientation. However, for me, it's not like I'm someone that has just given blowjobs before. I actually crave cock at times. Over the years, it just built up in my head even more so. I'd say I'm pretty gay.

[frontierman2011]

Denial is a powerful thing. If you were actually hetero or straight you wouldn't want to have sex with men at all or suck a man's penis at all.

Denial? What am I denying, that I'm gay? All this time, I thought I was bisexual. I also enjoy having sex with women. So, by your measure, am I straight and in denial about being gay, simply because I occasionally achieve physical stimulation and sexual satisfaction from having sex with a man, or are you saying I'm gay and in denial about being straight becuase I more than incidentally enjoy the physical pleasures of having sex with women? Yes, my friend, denial is a powerful force, but the physical affects of dopamine on the brain, resulting from sexual stimulation (whether that stimulation is received from sexual activity with men or women) is an even more powerful thing, and the basis for an argument most people who identify as being gay will not entertain. :cool: