Spousal approval

[wifeluvesmebi]

I am fairly new to this site and have noticed alot has been asked and alot of advice has been given regarding coming out to your spouse. Should I/shouldn't I? How to/how not to?

In my opinion, I think it it is important to INCLUDE your spouse. No, don't jump out of the gate and invite them in a 3-way. But, include them in your feelings and actions. let me expalin.

How many relationships are there, when the 2 split interests? Golf, shopping, sporting events, baby or wedding showers, cooking, gardening, even work functions, etc, etc, etc. the hobbies and events are countless? The other one could usually care less what the other is doing or going to. they lose interest quickly when not invited and not included.

BUT, if we are somehow interested into what the other is enthusiastic about then we become INCLUDED. Become interested in the other's interests. It's fun for you and fun for them.

It will also carry over into sexual interests. Slowly integrate your agenda (I know, it sounds manupulative but I lack a better word or phrase at the moment) into her/him sharing it with you. But I will give you an examples. I love to wear panties. If I snuck around and wore hers. a) it wouldn't be as much fun and b) I would wear guilt and worry about getting caught. How fun is that? But, instead we have got to the point where I buy panties, I ask her which I should buy and which she finds sexy, and she helps me launder them. I wear them with her and she is turned on by that. She is inclusive. I make sure she is a part of who I am.

We like to role play with me being a with a guy. If I ever did that without her, that would not be cool. She would feel left out. (As I would, with her being with someone else). I would feel guilt, cheating, shame. AND it wouldn't be nearly as fun or as hot as her sharing my pleasure with me. Get your other to be involved, included and a part of WHO you are and you MAY live happily, ever after. It takes time, but baby steps might be really important here. As long as they are steps in the 2 of you sharing interests. ANY interests are positive!

It takes time and slow movements but there is no real hurry. It seems a shame to toss a marrige/relationship by just springing shit on someone when they aren't ready for it and makes more sense (to me, at least) to stay with the one you love and experince the real you(s).

Get them included with who you are and you'll find out nice surprises about who they are. It is liberating and leads to great communication and very nice years together.

Just my opinion, thx

[cornholejoe]

do you role play with her using a strapon dildo on you

[matutum]

do you role play with her using a strapon dildo on you

mine said thats fine honey but if u go and be with a man its good bi for u.lol so if i want a man its gonna be cheating on her.i've lived for 16 years and not been with a man, don't want to loose my best friend over sex.

[bikiniman]

In my opinion, I think it it is important to INCLUDE your spouse. No, don't jump out of the gate and invite them in a 3-way. But, include them in your feelings and actions. let me expalin.


I agree that including your spouse is the preferred option. I have told my wife that I fantasise about having sex with men and enjoy watching gay porn. Her response was not positive but at the same time not overly negative. She clearly does not like porn (gay, straight or otherwise).

I am in no hurry. So what would you suggest as the next baby step?

[billandbetti]

I completely agree with your post, i’m straight and my husband is bi.... I have been with my husband 7 years and have always known he was bi but we just never spoke about it until 6 months ago, and when he opened up to me completely about the whole thing i asked him what he would like to do, he told me he would love to have a bi three way, im a completely happy non judgemental person, i had no idea how we would find a 3rd but i was happy to try.

Together we joined a swinger’s site and together we went through the very many men that replied to us, i was pretty shocked at how many men are bi, shocked in a good way. we found one we both agreed on and together we decided the rules, although we have slightly changed the rules since then we decided the new ones together, one of those was i had to be with him if he was to see someone, i now know that im comfortable with him seeing men without me, though i love to pick them, this means im still involved.

Making sure your spouse is happy, comfortable and is involved in some way in anything that you do is the most important part to any relationship, doesn’t matter if its something simple like picking toys or porn together or something more in depth like choosing to open your relationship.

[wifeluvesmebi]

do you role play with her using a strapon dildo on you


Yes we do, joe. lot of fun.

[Northerner]

I completely agree with your post,.....

Your husband is one lucky guy to have you!

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

High Paw, Betti. You're a very cool lady and I am sure your honey knows exactly how fortunate he is. :}
Hugzz
Cat

[dudw_guy]

I have realized for some time I want to be with a man. (okay long time) No matter how close I get to telling spouse that I want too, I JUST CAN'T.

Ironically, I think she knows, she has certainly made wise cracks about me "really wanting to suck a dick" or while watching a good porn scene making a comment about "me" wishing for that... I could be hopefully reading too much into her comments; but, it does seem that way to me.

Maybe I just need to ??

[rabbit16]

Ironically my conversation started with my best friend telling me how one his friends (a girl and he is a guy) almost did a 3some with another girl but didn't at the end because the other girl was busy or gone or something (don't exactly remember). Brought it up to my wife on a long drive from his place. I asked what she thought of a 3some. She was worried about me leaving her for another girl. I then asked if there was another man. She didn't know what two men could do and she doesn't do anal. I said that the men could do achother as well. She didn't seem at all surprised. I said I would like to someday try that and she was OK with that. She didn't really care about another man but was ok with me trying with another man. Even without her. She was ok being with a woman as well to see what it is like as well. We are both very open and are willing to try things. She doesn't have a desire to be with a woman but would try it once and possibly more depending on how it goes. Same with me. I don't have a huge desire to be with a man but would like to be ridden, do the ridding and the sucking all at least once. We both just want to wait till we are done with kids (one more soon to get busy trying). And then we want to make extra sure no one gets pregnant and an STD. Ideally it would be a couple. We won't be in WY more then a week now and I think WI will have a few more people. Might never happen. But we are open if it does.

[curious1az]

I completely agree with your post, i’m straight and my husband is bi.... I have been with my husband 7 years and have always known he was bi but we just never spoke about it until 6 months ago, and when he opened up to me completely about the whole thing i asked him what he would like to do, he told me he would love to have a bi three way, im a completely happy non judgemental person, i had no idea how we would find a 3rd but i was happy to try.

Together we joined a swinger’s site and together we went through the very many men that replied to us, i was pretty shocked at how many men are bi, shocked in a good way. we found one we both agreed on and together we decided the rules, although we have slightly changed the rules since then we decided the new ones together, one of those was i had to be with him if he was to see someone, i now know that im comfortable with him seeing men without me, though i love to pick them, this means im still involved.

Making sure your spouse is happy, comfortable and is involved in some way in anything that you do is the most important part to any relationship, doesn’t matter if its something simple like picking toys or porn together or something more in depth like choosing to open your relationship.

Miss Bette
that is so kewl, my wife knows of my int, and role plays with me, and i know she gets turned on, just can`t get her to take the next step, but, you have given me hope
thx

[bicouplecanuk]

Watching a porn movie (even soft porn) with your partner is a good way to bring up the bi issue. Watching two women together always got me more turned on than a MF did.....and he noticed and commented. I told him it looked interesting and had had an experience when I was younger. I then asked him what he would think if we were in that situation hypothetically...and the conversation grew from there. It's is a good ice-breaker too. My new husband to be was not open in his first marriage, and it was curiosity for him mainly until we met and I encouraged him to talk openly with me about it. There is no judgement and it excites me to think of watching his first full experience, and it amazes him that I am so open and honest with him. We role play him in a MM situation so I know he will thoroughly enjoy it when the time comes. If you have been in a relationship a while, you might have an inkling how your partner feels about same-sex couples, but 'hypothetically' bringing up the topic might lead to some interesting responses! Good luck!!!

[lamiradabiman]

Unfortunately, not all of us are blessed with a spouse who enjoys playing with others or is understanding of bi play. For those of us in this situation, getting spousal approval is not possible. Now the question becomes, do I play alone or should I not act on those desires. I struggled for years with this and finally realized how much I enjoy my bi lifestyle. I would love to have my wife be a part of this but since it's not going to happen, I play alone and have met some wonderful people.

[bicouplecanuk]

Unfortunately, not all of us are blessed with a spouse who enjoys playing with others or is understanding of bi play. For those of us in this situation, getting spousal approval is not possible. Now the question becomes, do I play alone or should I not act on those desires. I struggled for years with this and finally realized how much I enjoy my bi lifestyle. I would love to have my wife be a part of this but since it's not going to happen, I play alone and have met some wonderful people.

I know myself, denying my bi feelings put me into a deep depression, but that was also due in part to the guilt trip my ex laid on me for 'needing something more than him', even if it was with a woman. An interesting discussion tho.....do you class it as cheating if it is with a same-sex partner and your spouse doesn't know? or is it just part of who you are? What she doesn't know doesn't hurt her? I'm truly curious and not being judgemental.

[bikiniman]

An interesting discussion tho.....do you class it as cheating if it is with a same-sex partner and your spouse doesn't know? or is it just part of who you are? What she doesn't know doesn't hurt her? I'm truly curious and not being judgemental.

No to judge others but I would feel like I was cheating on my wife and it would it hurt her immensely if she found it.

Maybe we should adjust our expectations to one of "consent" rather than "approval". My wife would not necessarily "approve" buy maybe she would "consent" to allow to me explore this side of myself?

[whothatdoctor]

I am brand new to this site and bisexuallity. I don't know if I will ever get to explore that side of me because while my wife is a very open and accepting person (she is the only person I have told), she just isn't into group sex. I am a little nervous about all of this, but it seems like a safe place to ask questions and meet people that have gone through this.

[bizel]

i've been watching this thread for a little while wondering what is the best way to lessen the hurt and fear when a partner comes out. if you've followed my threads, you'll know it's been a nightmare of ups and downs for me. in hindsight, would i have changed anything? i can't honestly say.

when hubby said he fantasised about men, i thought that's ok. fantasies are hot but just that - fantasies. reality has turned out to be a lot different. i don't know how it is from his side, cos he still doesn't open up about his male sex side. his first encounter (a threesome with another woman - a no-no for me), left him finding no attraction for the woman (and maybe me, he confessed). we have progressed to sex talk on the phone (he works away and just recently got time off but chose to spend it with his sex buddy). am i glad he was honest with me? i can't say. i feel i've been through the ringer backwards repeatedly. i've been as accommodating as i can. but i have to say, this has brought up so many issues for me that i don't even know if i have a marriage, or whether i even want a marriage anymore. it's not as you say, sharing a sport or hobby. being sexual, it is something intensely deeper. it has made me look at what sex in our relationship means. for men, they seem to be able to separate the act from the emotions. for women, it's more emotional than the physical - at least, in my and my friends experiences. and for me, it's been extremely painful trying to understand and accept that difference. maybe if hubby had been more communicative, maybe if i wasn't also locked into a complicated home situation caring for an ailing parent, maybe if i had a social life (lack thereof due to home situation), all this may have been easier. i ended up telling my sister and a best friend cos i needed to talk and get support. they are both horrified and want him gone. so much for support. i love him deeply and am in love with him. does he still feel the same way? who knows. he says he loves me but is he still 'in love' with me? would i have been better off if he'd screwed guys behind my back? my trust would have been broken if i found out later, but right now it's pretty shaky. so, i have to say, telling your spouse is fraught with problems. it's not just your issue. it can bring up confronting issues for them also. best to admit before commitment. a minefield admitting after. honesty is best. acceptance is not guaranteed though just because you are honest. i don't know if my present experience is common, all i know is changing the ground rules of a relationship is extremely hard to deal with. i envy those whose transition was smooth. i only wish.....

[bicouplecanuk]

Wow bizel......we forget how traumatic it can be. I know I went thru the same sort of situation from my ex to start with. How could I want another woman? Wasn't he enough for me? but he was into it as long as he was involved. He'd arrange the meetings sometimes, then he started wanting to be with her alone. She wasn't into that so the relationship broke down, then he made me feel guilty about being bi and bringing someone else into our relationship. I never once considered leaving him for her, and tried to reassure him constantly, but looking back on it now, I loved him but wasn't IN love with him. I guess it is way easier when both couples are bi so the understanding is there, and you can (sort of) separate the 'sex' from 'making love' act. Being open and honest is a must.....but it doesn't work if one partner won't open up about it. I hope you can talk to your husband more intensely and work thru this. Just because a partner is supportive, doesn't mean they are totally secure and ok with it on the inside.

[Maggot]

Oh if only I could get my husband to a)talk about my bisexuality, b) watch, c) join in

I am a bisexual female and for me love and sex are completely separate things. Finding someone that you both love and are sexually attracted to is fantastic. My husband of 23 years is straight bordering on asexual and has enough problems with straight sex, let alone my bisexuality or heaven forbid - joining in. He's known from the beginning that I am bi, and from the beginning said he didn't want to know anything about it should I do anything with someone else before, during or after the event.

He still has drama queen moments when I look at other women, and has to be reminded that we've been together how many years now? despite his middle age spread, greying hair, annoying habits etc. Sex is sex, and great fun it is too, but love is a different beast altogether.