PORN......need advice

[blueeyed_blondie]

Hello!

I am in need of some advice. My boyfriend and I are in a long term relationship and early in the relationship i discovered that he likes to look at and watch porn. he is very ashamed of it and and would often lie about. I upset at first but then i started to agree to watch and look at it with him, at least that way i new what he was looking at and we were being open anbout it. He said we can do it as a couples thing.... anyways lately ive noticed that our sex life is kindof turned into a porn video and by that I mean it seems the only time he wants to have sex is after we've watched porn and he usually trys to get me drunk dont know why anyways he acts the way the men do in porn and seems to expect me to act that way. He likes having him self cum on various parts of my body and talks fithly during sex like the porn stars you see do. Im not a prude but is sex always suppose to be like this? i was sexually abused as a child and for someone who still struggles with flashbacks etc i find it hard to have intimacy be like this. Ive explained this to him several times but it seems to make no difference. He likes to treat me a porn star by saying stuff thats degrating and always expects me to pleasure him with nothing in return most of the time. The last fews day he hasent been interested in having sex and tonight went out with my sister to get a little bit of space, i came home to find out he was looking at porn,which he lied about and said that he wasnt. I athought he would be the mood to ingage in sexual activity but he seem uninterested and i guess i was not as appealing as the pornography? When we were first going out with would actually make love you know with candles, music and embrace each other. That went out the window now, he says we are young we "should fuck like rabbits." is this normal for couples sex lives to be like this. I have never had sex with anyone else before so perhaps im nieve, but please give me some insight from more experienced people.

thanks you for taking the time to read this and any advice would be beyond helpful.

[softfruit]

Oh my, this one's gonna take a little work to make better. You say the two of you have been together for quite a while so I'm figuring that outside of sex and the bedroom you two click well, have stuff in common, and this is a relationship you would both be prepared to work on... even if it's going to take a while?

Cos it sounds to me like this guy hasn't had that much sexual experience, and in particular that he's not used to talking about sex and what he needs and what his partner needs.

Which ain't great, but is normal, especially when you've not had many partners before. There's a kind of expectation that society teaches us that we should be good at sex automatically, but if we are honest that's a bit unlikely... well, the first few people I was with it wasn't all that good, we didn't talk enough, we didn't know what we were doing, and I bet if I found myself with those people again now it'd be a damn sight better than it was!

So, your guy is working out what to do from porn. Now porn ain't a bad thing, and nor is wanking, but it's not the same as sex with real, complicated, emotional people.

Getting past that is either going to take some serious and scary talking, or trying to find different porn that suits what you want better and leaving it where he'll find it.

Then there's the drinking. You sound like you took some persuading to watch porn with him in the first place; could it be that he thinks you don't like sex generally, and need to have your resistance lowered?

[bityme]

Hello!
lately ive noticed that our sex life is kindof turned into a porn video and by that I mean it seems the only time he wants to have sex is after we've watched porn and he usually trys to get me drunk dont know why anyways he acts the way the men do in porn and seems to expect me to act that way. He likes having him self cum on various parts of my body and talks fithly during sex like the porn stars you see do. Im not a prude but is sex always suppose to be like this?

i was sexually abused as a child and for someone who still struggles with flashbacks etc i find it hard to have intimacy be like this. Ive explained this to him several times but it seems to make no difference. He likes to treat me a porn star by saying stuff thats degrating and always expects me to pleasure him with nothing in return most of the time.

When we were first going out with would actually make love you know with candles, music and embrace each other. That went out the window now, he says we are young we "should fuck like rabbits." is this normal for couples sex lives to be like this. I have never had sex with anyone else before so perhaps im nieve, but please give me some insight from more experienced people.

Blueeyed,

I have to disagree with Softfruit. It is very seldom that I respond with advice. Generally I would give you a discussion of pros and cons of the different points I see. In this case, however, I go straight to the point and my advice for you.

First, No, sex is not supposed to be like that all the time. Once in a while if the role playing is a turn-on, but not all the time. You are entitled to the intimacy that you had in the beginning of your relationship!

Second, with your history of abuse, you need someone who is understanding and compassionate; someone who takes your feelings into consideration. Obviously, he is not doing that.

Third, rabbits fuck the way they do because of a natural urge brought on by the female rabbit's scent because she is ready to produce more rabbits. Humans have sexual relations for much more complex reasons. Being young does not justify throwing intimacy out the window. It is that intimacy, both in the bedroom and out of it that cements the relationship and, coupled with good communication, holds the relationship together.

MY ADVICE: You so-called boyfriend is not going to change. What happens in a porn movie is not real, it is scripted. They act because they are paid for it and it seems to sell. Films of true, intimate, loving people don't sell because to be entertained people want to see something different, not what usually takes place in their own bed.

The A**hole continues to degrade you knowing your background of being abused and how those earlier events and his own actions are hurting you. He is not going to change.

You are entitled to a human relationship, one that is loving and caring, one that fulfills your need too. He is not providing that and there is nothing you can do to reshape his obvious personality defects. He needs professional help for that.

SO, my advice is AT THE EARLIEST POSSIBLE MOMENT, PACK UP YOUR BELONGINGS AND GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM.
You can't change him!
You won't stop him from lying!
You won't be able to convince him that real people don't always act like porn stars!
You can't stop him from abusing you!
You can't force him to be intimate!
You can't treat his addiction to porn!
YOU CAN'T GO ON LIVING LIKE THAT AN RETAIN YOUR OWN SANITY!

No matter what it is that you might think you need him for, YOU DON'T!!!
You don't need him to complete you. Each of us is complete by ourselves.
You don't need someone whose personality does not compliment yours!
You don't need to risk your mental well being because he might be paying the bills!
You don't need to be abused by another human being!

He has proven to you that you are little more than a prop that he can use to create his own version of a porn star fantasy life. Don't let it continue for another moment. PACK YOUR BAGS AND RUN!
DO NOT LOOK BACK!
DO NOT GO BACK!
DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING HE HAS TO SAY! He will lie to you to try and keep his fantasy going.

I don't know how to put it any stronger. Be true to your self. You are an important, valuable, individual. Rely on your own self worth. GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FOR YOU!

Pappy

[Long Duck Dong]

I have to agree with bityme...... and my own experiences are from a background doing counselling and therapy work

you have a past with sexual abuse, and now you seek to find the love making and compassion sexual / romantic experiences that help you distance the past from your life as you are now.... and thats a big part of maintaining the rose that has grew out of the garden of weeds.....

based around the way you have talked about your issue.....I think that your partner could do with some time with a counsellor himself... it sounds like he has his own issues that need addressing..... joint counselling may work if you want to stay with your partner.... but in all honest and fairness, you have done many of the hard yards yourself.... going to joint counselling may bring up aspects of a past you may not want to address again....

[DuckiesDarling]

Blueeyed_blondie, awhile back you posted a thread about a chance to go to Italy and see relatives you don't even know. You posted your partner didn't want to go with you and you wondered what choice you should make. The overwhelming response from here was "yes, you should go". This post just completely reaffirms for me that you are not in a healthy relationship, what he is doing is just as much sexual abuse as what you went through as a child. It is not acceptable to make you feel the way you describe, so run, don't walk, run away.

Hugs and I wish you luck.

[elian]

It takes two people with good communication skills to have a healthy relationship. Admittedly I only know one side of the story but no honey, that is NOT what sex is supposed to be like (unless you really want it that way).

If you've told your "boyfriend" that you have sexual trauma in your past and that you don't like the way porn makes you feel then I think it's pretty inconsiderate of him to EXPECT you to participate.

If you haven't very clearly spoken up about it (be sure to talk about it in terms of how it makes YOU feel "I need you to go slower, I want to cuddle more" ?? ) maybe he doesn't know just how uncomfortable it makes you.

Do you have a very high level of anxiety about sexual intimacy because of your past? In other words, are you comfortable enough to have sex WITHOUT something like alcohol?

Maybe he thinks that he can "relax" you if you have drink (or maybe that's just an excuse, I don't know) but it is your body, and I can understand your desire to be in control of it.

Some men honestly don't know the difference between "porn" and "real life" - and some men just WISH they could have porn in their bedroom to satisfy themselves.

I was abused as a child and i can tell you it is a struggle to know that when done right SEX comes naturally out of feelings of LOVE, not the other way around, at least in a lasting healthy relationship to a committed partner. Porn may be part of some relationships - as in he can have a relationship with his own hand if he can't learn to control himself.

It sounds like the level of intimate trust you need just isn't there right now, When he learns to go slow and treat his partner with respect and love then maybe he can have intimacy with a real person. If that were to happen then maybe some day you won't be as fearful of sex and you can try SOME of those things and not feel ashamed.

If it is a healthy relationship hopefully he can respond better to your need for intimacy and not just "sex".

(I am NOT a certified anything, and I hardly know anything at all about both of you)

[bunvotey11]

They say that a frog will quickly jump out of water that is too hot, but will sit in a pot of water when the temperature is turned up gradually.

Are you in a pot of boiling water? Why do you sit there when you should realize that you need to get out before you boil?

Perhaps there are more than one side to this story, but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. You should be exploring your sexuality together. Are you his partner or his whore?

He's going out with your sister and watching porn when he get's back. What the hell is going on there? I don't know if I'd want him out with my sister.

He's got a whole internet full of porn to view, get him a blow up doll and a ticket out of your life. He may not even know the difference.

[Warsteel]

I have to agree with parts from all of the replies. Porn in and of itself isn't bad, but if it makes you feel like he cares more about porn than you then there is a big problem with his lack of respect for you if he is unwilling to stop. He does sound like he is completely unexperienced and trying to fill in his fantasies, which isn't bad, but if he is doing it at the expense of your mental well being than he really is a grade A A**hole. I was raped as a child, I was hospitalized because of it, and I suffered a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Five years later I found out the rapist had given me gonorrhea upon diagnosis I was cured but the damage was done and because of that I was sterilized. I told you this because I was in the exact same boat not too long ago. My girlfriend of seven years would always want me to be dominant and aggressive in bed even though she knew I couldn't mentally handle that, and that I preferred intimacy. You seem to be a good person, and you have definately been through a lot in your life, please don't put up with this anymore or this relationship will be on that list.

[elian]

Serves me right for not reading the WHOLE post, sorry.

Yeah, to be polite about it at this point it sounds as though you guys may have two completely different viewpoints and feelings about what a relationship should be. If he and the sister went out on an actual date that would be inappropriate as long as your understanding was that he was supposed to be in a committed relationship with you.

I guess it's not uncommon for spouses to sometimes take each other for granted but I wonder if there is anything more serious to the change in behavior that you mention in your post. People denying they are looking at porn might be signs of an addiction, embarrassment or if he knows it causes great strife in the relationship that could be a reason to deny it too.

There's nothing "wrong" with wanting to be treated with respect. I would seriously consider counselling or trying to get out of the relationship in a safe way because obviously at this point both of your needs are seriously different. Maybe somehow you could make it work if he satisfies himself in some other way but it sounds like that is already causing you great spiritual and emotional distress. Although it can be painful the healthy thing to do in the long run sometimes is to decide to go separate ways, especially if no children involved.

I can't say any more than that because I am not a licensed therapist and I only know your side of the story.

[littlerayofsunshine]

I am curious as to what point in the relationship that you made him aware of your past sexual abuse.

As a past victim of childhood rape of many years. I had put a negative light on porn and never could enjoy it and didn't want whom ever I was with to enjoy it either. In my mind, it associated them with the ones that had hurt me and made me less incapable of being intimate with them. Not exactly saying that this is your case, but especially those who knew me when I first came to this site many years ago, new of my struggles of wanting to find a happy medium between my issues and me not wanting to struggle if my husband watched porn. It took many years and now I have no issues of it at all. I still don't like to watch it, but he's free to watch when he wants and what he wants to watch and it doesn't effect me in any sort of way.

now that aside, Some men will have some embarrassment in their young days about the porn they watch. Or it could be early on he was being more sensitive to you because the relationship was "fresh" and he wanted you to see him as the right man for you. It's always easy in the beginning to be "The one" for someone. and many people the first complaint in a relationship is "They changed" Well, maybe in some cases yes.. But in others, They change to get you, then over time, as security sets in, They change back to whom they always were.

It sounds to me as if you still have some hangups sexually. I'm not saying you are a prude in anyway, or that its necessarily a bad thing. But sexually there are two different wave lengths going and a compromise has yet to be reached. He sounds as if he has a fetish. And porn is one way he expresses it and that makes you uncomfortable, and he wants to share it with you sexually, but that also makes you feel uncomfortable. As your lover he should be understanding of that. But in the same sense, there should be a give and take and there should be time made for the wine and candles and the things you enjoy and he should want to give you that as much as he wants you to give him kink.

I once suffered flashbacks from past abuse, I was force raped as a child, physical abuse, stabbings, verbal, beatings, and weaponry were used to make me compliant. And when I first started out having sex it always had to be on "my terms" in control and if I didn't feel right about it, I just didn't give it up. But At some point I decided I no longer wanted to be a victim, or limited sexually because at that time, it was like my abusers still had control on me. They were controlling the sex I wanted to have, almost like they once had so long ago before. And I began to work through my issues. Now not conventionally to say the least. But roleplaying became a part of my sexual tastes. Being the dominate at times, and being submissive during others. That perfect give and take. and then at times, the passionate and romantic, and then sometimes a raunchy fuck fest. Having sex from so many different angles and realizing that I was still safe no matter what the occasion. That no matter how submissive I was I still had some control and at the same time His needs were met. Luckily I married a switch too. My point in all this being, The more I ventured sexually. The less traumatized I became, till I got to where I am now.. No flashbacks, no insecurity, no shame, no bars and no scary faceless men in my dreams trying to harm me. That may not work for you, but in the right situation in the right kind of relationship. It couldn't hurt to move past.

If you question your relationship frequently, and honestly after all this time feel that he may not be the right man for you. Then it very well may be an unhealthy relationship for you and time to move on. You both may need help in communicating to each other and could get a councilor introduced that could help open those pathways. Just because someone knows you been abused and understands that it was a bad thing and is scary. Doesn't mean that know how to relate to a victim. And for a victim, they may not be able to communicate so well because their life once depended on secrecy and lies for protection.

With all the unknowns its too hard to say, But this is my take, from my experience and what worked for me and how I dealt with it..

Take it as food for thought if nothing more. and Good luck to you.

[sammie19]

I have never been sexually abused or raped so let me start from that premise. Apart from an unsolicited grope or feel at school, in the street or in a crowded bar or club, I dont know what rape or being sexually abused would be like except in my imagination. And to be honest, that is where I prefer it to stay. I have watched porn with my partner among others and do like what I consider is the best of it. Some of the worst seems to encourage the worst in men and the traditional view of woman as a chattel and ecourage us to believe in that image.

I am quite cool about my sex life, and have always been quite controlling. I do not mean that I am the dominant partner and control the mechanics of how sexual activity progresses for that is far from being the case. But sexual partners have always been made aware of the line over which they may not cross. I have few inhibitions but I do have some. I do not like every possible sexual act and partners have always had this explained to them at some stage during a session. They have aways been made aware that if they ask for or attempt something I do not wish to do, then no means exactly that and they will be xpected to stop. Some have tried to persist but eventually none has persisted to such a degree that they have overstepped the line. Occasionally some have tried to persuade me to do this or that and sometimes I have even relented. I have chosen to cross my own line in the sand. A few times I was even glad of it.

I am not a cold person, but I will not allow myself to be used in any way I do not choose. The line is there for my safety and my pleasure, as well as I hope that of my partners. It exists to prevent friction which might ruin our enjoyment and apart from a very few, the vast majority always respected the line.

Respect for a partner is essential for truly satisfactory sex. We should discuss our likes and dislikes and proceed accordingly. This doesn't mean that sex should be so planned and so cold and merely efficient. It can and should be spontaneous and fun. It means we are made aware of each other's likes and dislikes and that none of us has the right to treat our sex partner like so much dirt. Any partner who ever tried to overstep the line has always been given short shrift.

[Darkside2009]

You have spoken on previous threads about looking at porn, how much you enjoyed it and that it really turned you on. In another you talked about going to live and study in Italy, despite not speaking the language and not knowing anyone there, other than relatives you had never met. You seemed surprised then that your boyfriend was not keen on the idea.

Forgive me for saying so, but your ideas and emotions seem to be all over the place. Perhaps you are giving out very mixed messages to your boyfriend as to what you want out of life and from him in particular.

I didn't automatically assume he had been on a date with your sister, he might well have been trying to get her perspective on your personality and how to deal with you.

The two of you sound very inexperienced, if you are having problems being intimate because of previous experiences you have suffered this might explain his desire to watch porn, merely as a release mechanism. Unfortunately people that watch a lot of porn tend to become sated by it and think that the way the people react on screen to each other is the way people are supposed to react to each other in real life.

He may have problems with his own libido and be using the porn simply as a stimulus for his own arousal, either because he has erectile disfunction or from being tired from work or stress.

From what you have said, he appears to feel embarrassed by this need for porn, and yet you claim to have watched porn together before. So why would he feel embarrassed about you finding him watching it?

You stated he had been watching it after having been out with your sister, but did not state how you know this for certain. Was the porn on the screen when you entered the room? Was the DVD in the machine?

How did you approach him on the matter? If he thinks you don't like him watching porn on his own and it causes a row, perhaps that is why he denied watching it. If he is innocent of watching it, and you accuse him of doing so, how is that supposed to engender a feeling of intimacy in him toward you.

If he was out with your sister, why did you not go along? Were you not invited too? There are a lot of possibilities in your relationship that are not being answered because we know so little of your boyfriend. The details from you are few and vague and we are not receiving anything from his perspective.

He sounds young and inexperienced but that in itself can be overcome with time and patience. You have been together a few years now, what exactly is it you see in him? What attracts you to him? I'm assuming he must have some redeeming qualities in him for you to have been attracted to him in the first place and for you both to have stayed together this long.

The only people that can solve your problems are both of you. You need to decide if you want to continue in a relationship with him, if you don't then leave. If you both want to continue in your relationship, then you really need to sit down together and discuss what each of you expects from the relationship and what each is prepared to give in the relationship to each other.

You've mentioned before about wanting to study art in Italy, but nothing about his aspirations. Are you both compatible in what you want from life and each other? If not, what is the purpose of staying together? You might well be more compatible with someone else and so might he.

All relationships need to be worked at, some more than others you have to do the work yourselves, no one can do it for you.

[DuckiesDarling]

Okay wait a minute, maybe I read it wrong but the way it was written Blueeyed went out with her sister to get some space and came home to find him watching porn.

Either way, as you pointed out Darkside and I alluded to, the earlier posts indicate more than one problem in the relationship and it's being caused by both partners. Sometimes when all common ground is gone, it's time to walk away before you really start cutting some deep wounds. Leave while you can still maintain a friendship rather than wait til you want to kick him if you see him on the street.

[nicco413]

I am so sad at reading your post.
I agree with the majority of replies - sex should be fun and a way for people of either sex to show their love for their partner in a totally fulfilling way for both, not to be selfish and self centred.
You are being abused pure and simple - when making love I want my partner to experience fulfillment and anything goes provided it is consensual and both parties are happy with it- anything else becomes rape.

[Katja]

I read into Blonde's thread that they are an incompatible couple. Pornography should be a spicy addition to our sex life and not its dominant influence. There is no real communication between the couple and each seems to have different priorities. There is also dishonesty. My only suggestion can be that each goes their separate way because if they don't, strife and unhappiness will only get worse.

[Sexual_soujourner]

Real simple.. He has a problem. It has to stop of it will come between you. Already you not comfortable with his actions. He has to stop watching, tell him, stop for at least a couple of weeks. See how it changes your relationship. You may have to seek some outside help, if it does not get better.

[Realist]

My GF's ex refused to listen to her needs.

When she became frustrated with his inability to satisfy her, she asked him to do something she wanted to try.

He told her, "You're crazy....I've watched enough porn to know what women like!"

That was the beginning of the end.

Fantasy had become his reality and reality was dissolved. Their life together was over. He had melded into his computer....porn has become his focus...it is his "reality".

[Maggot]

Got to agree with Bityme - Get yourself out of this relationship right now. Walk away, and don't look back. The porn of itself is not the problem here, the boyfriend is, and his behaviour will only get worse as time goes on. Get yourself out right now.

[1bimmwis]

Dump him!