Being bi and being married [Archive]

Bimarriedok

Apr 6, 2011, 6:54 PM

Hey folks, I’m new to this site. Glad to see so many people here. I just thought I’d comment on being both a married man and bisexual. I’ve seen a number of posts already about guys who seemed worried or are/were in trouble with their spouse for their bisexuality. I understand the whole “I’m going to be open” thing. I did that long before I was ever married. So outing myself as bisexual is old news. Its not something that I feel I need to shout from the mountaintop so to speak. And its not something that I feel my wife needs to know about. She’s never asked and I’ve never said. Some might say its that way out of fear, but I’d be quick to ask – why get married if you plan to be with more that that one partner? You can be both bisexual and married. Heteros do it all the time, and gays have been fighting the long fight to have legal marriage. There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual and being married. From the bisexual perspective, you are choosing the one person you want to be with. As a good person would do when getting married – you remain true and monogamous with that one person. I love my wife and I’ve never cheated on her, nor will I. That doesn’t have anything to do with my bisexuality. And because I am married to a woman doesn’t mean that I am straight. There’s nothing wrong with being bi and married. Be bi, but also be true to your spouse.

fredtyg

Apr 6, 2011, 7:20 PM

AidanS57

Apr 6, 2011, 7:34 PM

Bimarriedok

Apr 6, 2011, 8:46 PM

You might suggest it, but that is merely your opinion. The fact someone chooses not to engage in sexual relations outside of a relationship, regardless of gender, does not make a person more or less of a bisexual. I do wish people would stop arguing about sex as the defining part of bisexuality as it is more cerebral than physical for most of us. :2cents:

BiMarriedOk, welcome to the site and I agree with you, but I would tell my partner if she didn't already know. Thanks for posting your personal perspectives.

Aidan

My wife knows I come from a wild past - parties, sexual encounters of varied sorts, occasional dips into chemicals - and being quite reserved herself has said from the very beginning that she doesn't want to know anything about any of that. To her, our life started when we got engaged and that's all she cares about. So I don't feel any obligation whatsoever to tell her. Yes, for all outward appearances, I may appear to be hetero. But that's just image. It is I myself who consider myself bi. I look and fantisize about the men I will not have (though I've had plenty in the past), I look at online male porn now and again (to satiate the physical desire), but I am 100% there for my wife. My marriage was my choice. That I've chosen to follow a hetero lifestyle is the only moot point. I am, as you say Aidan, more than just about the sex.

Herbwoman39

Apr 6, 2011, 9:12 PM

wrbi01

Apr 7, 2011, 10:25 AM

I am married and came out to my wife back in Oct. of last year. Mostly because three and a half years ago my wife basicly stopped having sex with me. As much as I love her we have the "talk" every year that something has to change.... eather we have sex or sex will happen and she will not know about it. A couple of times after the first year of nothing I had sex with a couple of women.... it was nice to have someone beside me who was intrested in me and my needs. It was sex. Every once in a blue moon I hear from one of the ladies and we hook up.. but here again no emotions.. just a "booty call". Now that my wife knows that I am Bi she is accepting and dosent mind if I look for a male friend... and as much as I have told her that I can have sexual relationships without falling in love she is less concerned that I will leave her if I were to sleep with a man than another woman. Which in a way is very helpful to me... if I could find the right male partner. The bottom line is I love my wife... but I love having sex too.... so its leave the partner I have been with for 17.5 years and find someone who has my sex drive or keep the woman I love and who loves me and cares for me and find other sex partners to take care of that part of my life.... thats what I have decided to do...

lizard-lix

Apr 7, 2011, 11:30 AM

Might I suggest that if someone is married, bisexual and monogamous, being bisexual is really a moot issue since for all intents and purposes you're living as a heterosexual and intend on staying in a heterosexual lifestyle.

Nothing wrong with that. I just figured out the other day there's little point in identifying as a bisexual if you're in a permanent heterosexual relationship.

Regardless, welcome to bisexual.com.

One more in the disagree column. I am married (almost 32 years) and bi (like BIMARRIEDOK, I have a pretty crazy past), I came out to my wife before we were married, she accepted it and basically ignored it since we agreed to be monogamous.

However I am still bi. I am still attracted to men as well as women. If we watch porn, I am as likely to pull up a non-straight film and my wife enjoys them too (when she wants to see porn) and I still identify myself as bi where I am comfortable doing so (here, other chats, with some friends, etc.).

After all these years, our relationship is starting to open up, we have been to a swinger's club and while we didn't touch anyone else, we did share space with others having sex, so we watched and were watched. We are approaching it as 4-way dating and if we meet the right couple, we have agreed that sex could happen.

In the process of that discussion, it came up and she asked me if I was still bi, I just said 'yep', she nodded and asked if I had the hots for anyone in particular, I said 'no' and we just continued.. It's clear that if we have sex with another couple, I want to include same sex contact. I have said I really want to see her with another woman (she has expressed curiosity a few times), and I've been clear that I want to be with guys again too.

So just because I have been monogamously married, doesn't mean I am not bi anymore... I still identify myself as bi and would certainly jump in the sack with another guy at the first opportunity that works with our marriage.

So BIMARRIEDOK, welcome, I agree with you... I hope you enjoy this place.

Liz

Lisa (va)

Apr 7, 2011, 11:55 AM

Well first let me welcome you to the site.

I am also bi, as well as married and monogamous, by mutual choice, it works for us.

However, assuming one is no longer bisexual because they choose to have one partner ( same or different sex ) and be exclusive doesn't quite ring true in my opinion. As previously stated, one can still have attractions (to same as well as opposite sex) while in a monogamous relationship, we choose not to act on them

Not all bisexuals are the same, hence many don't like to have to adhere to a label.

In the same way that assuming monogamy is the only type of relationship out there that is suitable. Because monogamy works for us, doesn't mean it will work for everyone, the same way having an open/poly relationship works for some and not me. That doesn't mean that either one is right and the other wrong, it's is what is right for those in the relationship.

just my 2 cents

Lisa

hugs n kisses

Briar Rose

Apr 7, 2011, 3:56 PM

I'm pretty new around here too. I agree with Lizard and Lisa and a lot of people here in this thread. In addition, and as a married, monogamous bi woman, I want to emphasize as Lisa and Lizard did, that things can change and that options are available if they do. It's just that they have to change with mutual agreement and an eye to keeping your marriage stable.

For example, my spouse and I talked it out 21 years ago after it was obvious that this was a serious relationship for the two of us and we were both interested in long term commitment.

Our original agreement was to be married and monogamous--which is where we are today, still. But also in our original agreement was the understanding that life throws you change and sometimes you have to change with it. If keeping the commitment is important so is keeping open the POSSIBILITY of flexibility--if we need it. IMHO, change like that is always a risk, but a lot of relationships break if there's no built-in bend.

We haven't had to use the flexibility clause but we know that it's there and we check in with each other about making sure needs are met regularly a couple times each year. And yes, that's both of us checking in, not just me. And we temperature check a lot of different needs--not just sexual, but emotional, physical, spiritual, life changes etc.

I don't know if that's helpful for anyone, but it has worked for us so far.

bikiniman

Apr 11, 2011, 4:46 AM

I Identify as bisexual although I have never had sex with a another man. Being Bisexual is more about the way you feel not how you act.

I did not recognise my own bisexuality until after I got married but remain committed to a monogamous relationship with my wife.

I find it very challenging to be true to myself and my sexuality and at the same time remain monogamous. I am not sure I will be able to live my whole life this way.

r1648513

Apr 11, 2011, 9:27 PM

I am also bi, married and monogymous (for now). I came out to my wife recently as having bi desires and am working with her on opening our marriage and getting to play with others together, so we can both have same sex experiences.

Only I should place a label on my sexuality. To say I am not bi because I am not having sex with a man, is to say that a young gay man is not gay til he has sex or a teen girl can't be straight while still a virgin.

orangejelly

Apr 12, 2011, 8:37 AM

I think its each to there own, but being in along term relationship like marriage should be about honesty and respect, trust and love.

When I got married I didn't know that my husband was bisexual in fact he didn't know for sure himself and neither did I know that was either.

Being married and honest with each other has opened up our relationship and made it stronger, for me being bisexual is a big deal and I join any bisexual network and lgbt group going and fight the rights of bisexual viability, whereas for my husband its a close thing that if no one asks no one knows etc, and we respect each others view on that.

Being bisexual and honest in the relationship for us, we know who we like real or celebrity, and we are both loyal to each other and have never dreamt of having affairs behind one anothers back, and in time we have decided we'd love to be polyamourus in our relationship together. But I also think this all happens with or without bisexuality. :flag4:

HzyJD

Apr 12, 2011, 8:40 AM

Being the wife of a bi man, I am so glad that I knew the truth from the start about the man that I love. He is comfortable with himself, I am comfortable with him... The REAL him. We are monogamous now but I am a realist, this may change in the future.
Don't you feel like you're keeping a major part of yourself from the person you are supposed to love and respect above all other people?
What is the problem with her knowing?

xpnstos77

Mar 22, 2013, 11:43 PM

One more in the disagree column. I am married (almost 32 years) and bi (like BIMARRIEDOK, I have a pretty crazy past), I came out to my wife before we were married, she accepted it and basically ignored it since we agreed to be monogamous.

However I am still bi. I am still attracted to men as well as women. If we watch porn, I am as likely to pull up a non-straight film and my wife enjoys them too (when she wants to see porn) and I still identify myself as bi where I am comfortable doing so (here, other chats, with some friends, etc.).

After all these years, our relationship is starting to open up, we have been to a swinger's club and while we didn't touch anyone else, we did share space with others having sex, so we watched and were watched. We are approaching it as 4-way dating and if we meet the right couple, we have agreed that sex could happen.

In the process of that discussion, it came up and she asked me if I was still bi, I just said 'yep', she nodded and asked if I had the hots for anyone in particular, I said 'no' and we just continued.. It's clear that if we have sex with another couple, I want to include same sex contact. I have said I really want to see her with another woman (she has expressed curiosity a few times), and I've been clear that I want to be with guys again too.

So just because I have been monogamously married, doesn't mean I am not bi anymore... I still identify myself as bi and would certainly jump in the sack with another guy at the first opportunity that works with our marriage.

So BIMARRIEDOK, welcome, I agree with you... I hope you enjoy this place.

Liz

I am a bisexual male that is married and came out to my wife after being together for 11 years. I actually was very curious when i was younger in men but I was not attracted to the stereo typical feminine gay. My best friend and his partner were gay.

We had many sexual experiences with them over 2.5 years and continued to have sex with other gay men for another year. It took a terrible toll on my marriage, separating for 3.5 months, and I am attempting to salvage it as she really is the love of my life. I don't want to loose her.

My wife also is bi curious but will not allow me to touch another women so she gives up the option to have sex with females.

Were in Marriage Counseling now with an excellent therapist working on staying together. I do not know what I will define myself going forward. My wife asked in therapy the other day. She assumes that I have to be involved sexually permanently with men and I will want to swing. I want to be monogamous if she wants me to and if that is what we need to stay together. Scary concept in my head to never have sex with men or other women. Strange I was monogamous for 11 years and it never crossed my mind that I was monogamous.

Swinging and allowing other sexual partners into your bedroom can be stressful on the marriage. If our main goal is to stay together and be loving and caring as Dr Vic says then I will be monogamous.

xpnstos77

Mar 22, 2013, 11:50 PM

I am also bi, married and monogymous (for now). I came out to my wife recently as having bi desires and am working with her on opening our marriage and getting to play with others together, so we can both have same sex experiences.
.

My only recommendation is you really must do this is to enter into therapy together or some action where communication can be civil. Its a toxic field when you enter others into your relationship. Mine with my wife was great but my wife and I both suffer from pasts that made us insecure and jealous. Regardless weakness in personality and the marriage will show. Slow and good communication will make it much smoother and possible.

xpnstos77

Mar 22, 2013, 11:52 PM

I am not sure I will be able to live my whole life this way.

Wow. I was in the same position as you years ago and right now my feeling is my wife is more important. Time will tell for sure.

BiJoe696

Mar 23, 2013, 7:26 AM

I have found it is much easier in life to be open and honest with your partner you choose to live with or marry. If I could not be open and honest with my partner it would be living a lie and that would not be a good way to have a relationship.

IMHO
:soapbox::bipride::flag1::rainbow::color::flag4:

zigzig

Mar 23, 2013, 8:06 AM

I got married a week ago. Before that I was dating my husband for two weeks. I was honest from the start about my sexuality. Even though we never tried to find another partners, we're thinking of maybe try swinging. My husband is straight, but feels tempted by other women, because I was the second girlfriend he had, and he would like to be with more females. I'm lucky that we're both opened with our desires, otherwise I can't a marriage work with suppressing sexuality, since it is a big part of a happy marriage!:love87:

zigzig

Mar 23, 2013, 8:07 AM

Sorry! I dated my husband for 2 years. A misspelling mistake.

tenni

Mar 23, 2013, 8:57 AM

Post 5
"I respectfully disagree. As a Bi married woman, I think it's VERY important to self-identify. It's important that the general public understand that there are bi people that do not conform to the bisexual stereotype."

I agree that its important to self-identify as your true sexuality regardless whether you are in a heteronormative mariage or any form of partnership. First bisexuals must accept their duo attraction for their own sake regardless of heterosexual normative morality expectations. Since the poster is using monosexual morality she seems to be experiencing guilt and shame by referring to "bisexual stereotype". A bisexual has or should have the right to have sex with both genders and perceive it is normal and appropriate. If they themselves want to be monogamous and self identify as bisexual they should not see other bisexuals who want to be involved with both genders as a stereotype but a RIGHT for bisexuals. The poster clearly had not evolved in her bisexuality at the time of posting and seem to feel shame for their needs/desires as a bisexual. I recall that she may not have even had a same sex encounter at the point of writing post 5. It seems to me that she was struggling with her self identity in all its many layers of complexity. Bisexuals need to peel back all the layers of heteronormative moral values. We need to see things not as bisexual stereotypes but yes BISEXUAL RIGHTS.

Post 14
"I want to be monogamous if she wants me to and if that is what we need to stay together."

I am of the position that being monogamous for your partner is not mentally/cognitively, psychologically and emotionally the best approach for bisexuals. There needs to be a type of a paradigm shift away from such thinking in monosexual /bisexual relationships. You should not be expected to be monogamous because your partner wants you to behave sexually to their sexuality perceptions of what is right.

A bisexual should be monogamous if and only if they themselves want to be monogamous. You should not be expected to give monogamy for your partner's sake. It is monosexual moral values that are being imposed on bisexuals otherwise. It is stating that to possess a desire or need for same gender and opposite gender attraction is wrong.

waughorama

Mar 23, 2013, 10:17 AM

I disagree Tenni. Just because a person is bi does not mean that they have to be involved with or have sex with both sexes. As you quoted post 14 I'll go with that. He wants to stay with his wife. Therefore he will do what he must to stay with his wife. Meaning that if his wife wants a monogamous relationship he wants a monogamous relationship. This woman is obviously important enough to fight to keep. If he wasn't willing to agree to this as a condition of keeping his wife I'm pretty sure it would be pretty easy to end it at the point they are at. This is no different than a straight married man or woman looking at the opposite sex, even lusting, but still taking no action on it because they are committed to a monogamous relationship.

tenni

Mar 23, 2013, 11:45 AM

"I disagree Tenni. Just because a person is bi does not mean that they have to be involved with or have sex with both sexes."

I don't think that is what I am trying to communicate. "have to" is different from "have the right to". A change of attitude is required from monosexuals if they wish a relationship with a bisexual. Society is still very monosexual in its attitudes. Not all though. Why do some understand the difference between "have a right to " and "have to do what I want my partner to do"?

Sacrifice should not be an expected norm for a balance of needs relationship. Neither should have to sacrifice but neither should impose their value system on others. Only each of us may decide whether we are going to be monogamous despite what our partners squeeze out of us as a promise made out of fear.

"This is no different than a straight married man or woman looking at the opposite sex"

Ok. If the bisexual doesn't look at the opposite sex there is still the bisexual looking and wanting same sex as well. You seem to be thinking like a monosexual? I see that you identify as a 2. Are you open to perceiving that your needs may be lower for both sexual gender contact than other bisexuals based on your self perception?

Bisexuals have duo attraction. Some have a low same sex attraction and that is different from the bisexuals who are happy with one person of the opposite gender but STILL have a need for same sex activity. We are not the same as a hetero or gay at our very core.

darkeyes

Mar 23, 2013, 1:55 PM

Post 14
"I want to be monogamous if she wants me to and if that is what we need to stay together."

I am of the position that being monogamous for your partner is not mentally/cognitively, psychologically and emotionally the best approach for bisexuals. There needs to be a type of a paradigm shift away from such thinking in monosexual /bisexual relationships. You should not be expected to be monogamous because your partner wants you to behave sexually to their sexuality perceptions of what is right.

A bisexual should be monogamous if and only if they themselves want to be monogamous. You should not be expected to give monogamy for your partner's sake. It is monosexual moral values that are being imposed on bisexuals otherwise. It is stating that to possess a desire or need for same gender and opposite gender attraction is wrong.
Being monogamous was and is not what u would term a monosexual value... it is a value which has historically been placed upon human beings in many societies since human beings became sentient, and began to recognise the value of property. It was imposed upon women principally and lesser men, to ensure that the Alpha male's seed was spread about the earth and for the continuation of his line above all others.. it became enshrined in religion to ensure the rights of the powerful over other human beings.. it was, and to some degree remains, an instrument of power of one person over another and/or others... it has become institutionally accepted in many societies, not all, to confirm the power of one over another as a method of population oppression. That it principally has been seen as a heterosexual tool does not make it a heterosexual or a monosexual tool. It makes it a tool which has, because of the way our societies have developed over millennia, been erroneously considered such. It is a tool of oppression of one group of people over another and has been used to suppress those of us who are not heterosexual, as well as whipping everyone else into line by instilling in them respect for, or more accurately, fear of authority and power so that they acquiesce more or less to whatever is placed before them... it is a tool of the tyrant.. that it has developed in the way it has and is considered a heterosexual tool by many, a monosexual tool by some, does not make it so and so even although many of us live by that code... greed and power in ages past has made it appear so and has instilled in so many of us the guilt should we do other than recognise the moral authority of religion and/or powerful people.. principally.. men..

I have always disputed this reasoning of urs, tenni, for monosexuals are no less likely to stray the nest or be promiscuous than those who are not.. sexuality doesn't quite work the way u think it does.. bisexuals are different.. special as human beings but not special as a sexuality.. indeed such are the vast differences in the way bisexuals think, lust and love from each other, it is arguable whether they can be called bisexual at all... but whatever we call them, they no more or less need to adhere to the code of monogamy than do other sexualities, nor should their needs be treated and accepted as more special and apart from the needs of other sexualities.. those u call monosexuals are no less likely to want or need to break free of, or refuse to accept monogamy.. monogamy is a human thing not a monosexual (and I do wish u would flush that bloody word down the toilet where it belongs...;)) and derives from the need to control, not from any internal monosexual drive.

tenni

Mar 23, 2013, 2:38 PM

“it is a value which has historically been placed upon human beings in many societies since human beings became sentient, and began to recognise the value of property.”

I would agree except I do not know any publicly known bisexual who hundreds if not thousands of years ago made a lot of statements about monogamy? Humans have been ignoring monogamy or professing it while diddling as well for centuries..men and women both. Who placed the confines of monogamy on to humans? I do not know but suspect that it wasn’t a bisexual. ;)

Whether the alpha male imposed monogamy of women or women imposed it on men, I have no idea but nor do I care. I support bisexuals’ right to have sex with both genders without having to pretend or believe that monogamy is for them.

“(bisexuals) no more or less need to adhere to the code of monogamy than do other sexualities,

I find this unbelievable. Bisexuals have two basic reasons to want not to be monogamous. There is really only one other sexuality compared to bisexuality and that is monosexuality (as in hetero & gay). I don’t hear too many gay people demanding the right to have sex with both men and women. I read “swingers” “lifestyle” people wanting this and some are hetero or perhaps gay but they usually want more of whatever sexual preference that they are.

“their needs be treated and accepted as more special and apart from the needs of other sexualities..:
I agree that bisexuals are not special in your eyes. We are different from monosexuals though in your eyes? We agree to disagree. I can not fathom how you see bisexuals with the same needs as monosexuals. Monosexual morality should not be applied to us. Hell, even gay men will on one hand argue against monogamy as some gay men argue for it.

“Id I do wish u would flush that bloody word down the toilet where it belongs.”
Which word? Monogamy...lol( cheeky wanker...I know :))

What is the antonym of bisexuality if not monosexuality? It certainly is not heterosexuality. Homosexuality is the antonymn of heterosexuality. ;)

myschyfnmayhem

Mar 23, 2013, 8:41 PM

I told my wife before we were married. As for monogamy,cheating,etc- A relationship is defined by the couple.

The Black Knights

Mar 25, 2013, 11:45 AM

My spouse and I both knew the other was bi well before we married. Ironically, previous lovers did not know because they were homophobic and would not accept such (not kidding). We accept what the other likes but we love each other first, foremost and always. Our relationship is honest and open on everything and we try new things together. Otherwise, we are like any other married couple.

darkeyes

Mar 25, 2013, 1:58 PM

What is the antonym of bisexuality if not monosexuality? It certainly is not heterosexuality. Homosexuality is the antonymn of heterosexuality. ;)Antonyms of bisexual are indeed heterosexual or homosexual. (OED) The word "monosexual" does not yet exist in British English although I accept it as a word for the purposes u use it and it may yet become accepted here.. hope not.. cos I still loathe it;).. wiki certainly accepts it in the context u use although Webster is a little less explicit but I don't object to ur using it as an antonym of bisexual. Bisexuality and homosexuality are antonyms of heterosexuality.... and surprise surprise.. bisexual and heterosexual are antonyms of homosexual... so while I may accept ur statement in part.. it isn't entirely accurate..:)

wifekinky4husband

Mar 25, 2013, 2:35 PM

I am very happily married and bi. I do not long for females, but have no problem with having sex with them. Since marrying I haven't had sex with anyone other than my husband and do not have anyone I am "after" or "interested in" though I used to really enjoy sex with multiple partners and am open to whatever diretion we head as a couple. My husband knows I'd love for him to let a guy take him (even another female) mostly out of past experiences with bi males and strap on couples but also because to me it is HOT as Heck! It is just one of those things that turns me on in a big way. I'd love to spread him for another person. As for our marriage, we are good keeping it monogamous continuing to explore as a couple. I have not problem never having sex with another person so all is well the way it is, I guess the other is more fantasy or a strong desire I have but do not necessarily have to have.

Chris_t_boston

Mar 25, 2013, 2:36 PM

Let's not get into a war of words here.

The "rules" that we argue about are established by the players in a marriage. If one party is bisexual and both parties agree to open their marriage in some way, then that is an acceptable arrangement If one of the parties (presumably the straight partner) decides that an open marriage is unacceptable, the only acceptable solutions are monogamy or divorce. One cannot break the implied contract of monogamy in a marriage on their own.

I knew I was bi when I was 15. Got married and never acted on it until I was 53. When my wife found out, she felt the marriage had been a lie and that I didn't give her the right to consent in the marriage. she was right. But we have worked on it and are in a monogamous situation now. I still have thoughts and desires but the implied monogamy contract in my marriage must stand if we are still married.

darkeyes

Mar 25, 2013, 5:01 PM

Let's not get into a war of words here.

Tenni and I don't war.. 'bout words or owt else... we do debate and argue cos we like so many others have our own opinions and besides.. we like arguing with each other.. it helps keep us on our toes... he calls me Snow Bunny...:cutelaugh.. the cheeky sod... a name I have developed an affection for... teach me 2 tell 'im I loathe skiin'..:eek2:

momoftgkc

Mar 20, 2014, 3:45 AM

Hi,
I'm fairly new to being bi and being married. I'm not sure if I've posted before. Hubby and I have been together 30 yrs, he's supportive. I'd came out as Bi like 3 weeks ago now. My parents know,my psych dr,my therapist,hubby,oldest 2 sons and my daughter knows. I don't think my 16 yr old son knows, I'd never said anything to him, thought it might bother him to know. I like these kinds of group it helps to talk when nobody else understands not having the same thing of being Bi. Thanks for letting me share ! :)

notmacbi

Mar 22, 2014, 4:18 AM

Agree with Liz... Married 27 years... Love my Wife like there is no tomorrow. Cannot imagine life without her. I shared with her that I am Bi-curious about a year ago. She works at accomodating my fantasies though they are not necessarily attractive to her. Biggest difference in us is sex drive. I have remained monogamus and will do so, even though last we talked she indicated her acceptance if I went for it with another male. I would rather her be present. She is apprehensive. So I feel truly blessed to have a spouse that I can cherish for the rest of my life, who is thoughtful as well. Therefore, I am Bi, married and monogamous, and Blessed! I also do not feel the need to broadcast it to the world.

Also want to thank the truely honest, thoughtful, and wonderful people on this site. There are a bunch of great folks here.

DoneGone275

Mar 22, 2014, 11:39 AM

I have always thought of myself as straight but bicurious. Straight meaning that my choice for a sexual preference is a woman. But I have always thought about having sex with other men, just never have before except as a childhood experiment that turned bad. So wouldn't it be if you marry a woman and are monogamous, wouldn't that make you straight? Maybe I don't understand what bisexuality is? If the man is still a bisexual, then wouldn't that make me one too? Is there a real meaning of "straight"? I can't help but to be a little confused. Then again it doesn't take much sometimes to confuse me! ;)

fredtyg

Mar 22, 2014, 1:30 PM

So wouldn't it be if you marry a woman and are monogamous, wouldn't that make you straight? Maybe I don't understand what bisexuality is?

I suggested something similar in this forum some time ago: If a guy marries a woman- even if both are bisexual- but they are strictly monogamous, then for all intents and purposes they would be considered straight. That comment wasn't received well.

The whole label thing can run you in circles. There's too many aspects to people's sexual tastes and behaviors to be able to define someone accurately and I sometimes get annoyed with attempts to do so. However, I'll admit I enjoy getting involved in such discussions.

For instance, my next door neighbors- a married lesbian couple- sent me the following link yesterday:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/23/magazine/the-scientific-quest-to-prove-bisexuality-exists.html?hp&_r=1

I'd read some of the story already and had to tell them I get a bit annoyed with attempts at definitive labels of people. Yet, I found the following quote from that story intriguing:

"Szymanski told me about two female friends of theirs who only dated men until meeting each other late in life. “They’re pretty militant about their lesbianism now,” Szymanski said, “but I’ll ask them, ‘Did you have really great sex with guys?’ They nod. ‘Did you have orgasms?’ They nod. ‘Could you still have them?’ They nod. But they insist that they’re lesbians, because, I think, they’re convinced it’s in their best interest to identify that way.”

I ended up asking my neighbors those same questions. Have they had sex with guys before? Did they enjoy it? Would they want to do it again? If so, might they be considered bisexuals and not lesbians? At what point does lesbianism turn into bisexuality, or vice versa? A real can of worms, and there I go trying to find definitive labels myself!

kayti1

Mar 22, 2014, 2:37 PM

I'm more of a browser than a poster - but may I share personally - that if you're married and you pledged to be monogamous, it requires conversations and honesty to move beyond that.

I'm bisexual - and married. And my husband has always been supportive of that fact. But we've decided that it's become too much for our relationship to sustain. In the same way as I know he's attracted to other women and I'm attracted to both men and women, we've decided that we want to be with and be exclusive with each other. We've had a roller coaster over the last few years especially. Like a super duper fun one. But we've mutually decided it has to end.

All I will say is that if you want to pursue partners outside of your marriage, you need to do so with complete honesty. It's what we've done and we were lucky enough to come to the same conclusion as my being bi was repeatedly resulting in full threesomes. So for now, that's the end of it for us. He knows I'm still attracted to women. But I have too much to lose.

Realist

Mar 22, 2014, 5:04 PM

I am presently with a bisexual lady, but was married to two straight women. (One at a time!) Looking back, I don't know why I tormented myself, by thinking I could live a straight lifestyle. Now, for the first time in my life, I am truly happy and totally open with my GF.

I'm sure there are stronger people than me, who are bisexual and can ignore the temptations, but I found it impossible to live monogamously.

With one, I ended up cheating for a long time; the temptation was just too much for me. Finally, I couldn't stand the lies, secrecy, fear of being found out, so I divorced her and left her with everything I'd worked for. It was small compensation for what I'd done.

With the 2nd one, I decided to leave the marriage, because after 10 years, I couldn't stand it any longer. At least I didn't have to live in the shadows, that time, and got out before I did!

I will never be in a committed relationship with another straight person. If anyone else can, more power to them!

semibi

Mar 22, 2014, 6:06 PM

In a way, I have known my sexuality was atypical since I was about 12 years old. I didn't have a word for it then. And, it took about 30 years from then to acknowledge a word for it. I consider myself "bisexual" now. That said, I am married and monogamous. My sex life has been plain vanilla and has never included same-sex sex. It is not outwardly necessary for me to identify with the word bisexual. I don't much like the word or the connotation, especially when I read some of the views on this site. However, it was inwardly necessary for me to understand my sexuality and to accept it. Bisexual seems like a reasonable word, although I don't seem to be much like many other bisexuals.

I am not "out" and don't plan to be. I have talked to a couple of counselors. I have shared the totality of who I am with an old friend. I have a handful of online friends I have discussed the main facts with. I have had some conversations with my wife. She knows what it seemed she wanted to know, and we left it at that. What's the point of rubbing someone's nose in something it took me many years to digest? No one is forcing me to be monogamous. I choose to be, because I prioritize my family and I value commitment and integrity. For me, thus far, extramarital sex has not been an option to consider. If I felt compelled to act in that way, I would feel obliged to first address it within my marriage. The rest is nobody's business, as I see it.

I have learned to try to have fewer opinions about others' personal lives.

Ja&Ve

Mar 22, 2014, 9:36 PM

It's great to hear from more people who are bi that make it work within their marriages alone. My husband is bi and also has no desire to seek secondary relationships outside his marriage. He is just happy at this to accept and be at peace with who he is. Our now verynon vanilla sex life is taking care of any cravings popping up so far and we are having a whole hell of a lot of fun along the way.

Missouri Redbeard

Mar 23, 2014, 5:21 AM

I told my wife before we married close to 10 years ago that I was bi and was accepting of a open relationship. It has worked really well for us as she likes to have some extra fun as well. We both have gone solo with other men and have enjoyed them together as well. Haven't included another woman ... yet ... or a couple but we are open to new adventures in the future ...

biguyforguys

May 23, 2014, 6:24 AM

Ja&Ve

May 23, 2014, 10:57 AM

Hi I'm bi and married and my wife knew I was bi before I married her I asked her would I have to change me if we did she said no but after the ring went on her finger it did I can't be me anymore. So now I sneak around talking and flirting with a few guys but haven't did anything other then play with my toy every once in a while I feel like I'm hiding a part of me and I just don't know how long I can do this for I love her to death but I feel like a part of me is dying to please give me some advice on it all ideas anything would be helpful thanks...

Yeah, that's a problem. she knew who you were from the get-go. That is such a wonderful gift. I'm mad for you that you got baited and switched.you should never have to hide who you are. Now what you do may be a whole nother ball of wax. If you knew she expected monogamy, did you get from her what her understanding of monogamy was? Hard limits etc.? Most women want sole devotion to them, which means just that, no flirting, chatting, camming or otherwise, gender non withstanding. My hard limits for my relationship runs similar, lt also runs into hypotheticals (ie should non-monogamy ever happen, no gay guys and no alone play allowed). I'm not a big fan of the flirt (either gender, unless we are doing it as a couple) and chatting and camming are right out. But if my hubby finds a guy cute, wants to tell me his fantasies and just flat out be himself that's okay. I don't hide that I like men and can appreciate a gorgeous set of boobs, so why should he?

newlynymphos

May 23, 2014, 11:37 AM

My wife and I have been in an open swinging lifestyle since we were dating. We've been married over 6 years, and been together for about 8 :) I let her know from the beginning about both mu sexuality and my Lifestyle :) Turns out she gets turned on when men fuck me and we engage in other sexual relations :) She lets me enjoy the sexual company of other women as well :) Its a two way street, so she has fun indulging in her sexual fantasies as well :) We both went into this relationship knowing monogamy wasn't going to happen!

cuttin2dachase

May 23, 2014, 1:23 PM

I came to be bi because of my sense of adventure and my 1st ex wife. We swung together with other couples but she had fantasies of watching me with other men as well as having 2 (or more) men in her bed. Sexually, there were not many things we wouldn't try together. From the night I sucked a man and was sucked by a man for the 1st time, I knew I'd discovered yet another sexual activity I enjoyed very much. I admit I was curious and fantasized about 1 on 1 sex with men without wife present, but I never acted on it because of the great sex we had together and together with other men. When we separated because of her abuse of alcohol and drugs, I was meeting other men within 2 weeks. The 1st two men I met were men I knew from 3somes with my wife who had expressed a desire to meet me alone. I was also able to meet a few married couples for 3somes. I lived the bi/swinging lifestyle for 2 years until I met my future 2nd wife. She was very straitlaced. She knew about my prior swinging and that I had been with men, but told me in no uncertain terms that she would not swing with me or tolerate any extramarital afffairs. I loved her very much and remained physically faithful for 10 years although I did still fantasize about 3somes, other bi men and many other kinky things. It was partly a moral/ethical issue for me, but the one thing that kept me faithful was knowing how badly she would be hurt and also knowing she'd out me to all my friends and coworkers if I got caught. In hindsight, I should have played around on her because she had a long affair with local businessman the whole time we were together. I felt like such a fool when I discovered the depth and extent of her deceit and infidelity. I regretted ever meeting her and wasting those 10 years of my life. After I left her, it wasn't long before I resumed my kinky ways. Although I would like to have a female companion again, I will not, unless she is understanding and tolerant of my sexuality. It would be icing on the cake if she enjoyed swinging and mfm 3somes ! If that is not meant to be, I will be content to be a solo bi swinger until sex no longer interests me...which is hope is NEVER ! LOL

JUSTLUVIN

May 24, 2014, 6:48 PM

If I may interject here and of course we are all sharing our views which are valid. We tend to connect monogamy with getting married. Who said you had to use that rule in your relationship? If you decided to marry someone you made a choice to have a relationship with him or her. However, the problem lies when one party see a relationship as strictly monogamous. I don't knock those that have lived their lives happy with only the one and it happened to be the spouse, but I feel we should look at marriage from another perspective, as having a life long partner you want to please. If pleasing means they would like to explore, and both parties agree, then I feel you have the makings of a true life long relationship because you like and love each other but also want to make them happy. I know some will not see it as such but again, that is a perspective of relationships they decided to take.

Let me throw a what if in here. If the relationship is solely based on monogamy, what happens if one day in your marriage God forbid him or her cannot have sex anymore due to a physical condition of some type? Based on the principle of marriage equals monogamy, that would leave the other partner without hope and completely unhappy. Now I know the physically challenged spouse may make an exception here but you can see it is basically about making each other happy. It takes some communication but you really have to get at the bottom of WHY you want to open your relationship up and WHERE you want it to go.

As for me, I have known since I was young I was bi but have not had the chance much to do anything with my bi side. I DO appreciate this site where we can all discuss and get to know each other.

Loki1

May 25, 2014, 5:48 AM

if you accepted monogamy as a marriage requirement, then you have it. if not, and the goal posts were moved after marriage, i see 3 options, accept, divorce, cheat. they all suck in their own way. UP2U, it's your smile, only you know what will make it bigger.

Polar Bear

May 25, 2014, 10:55 AM

Hiya folks, I am married and identify as bisexual so does my wife. It works very well for us. We are able to share admiration for both sexes.

Here's my take on Bisexuality...A bisexual identity speaks to the potential, not the requirement, for involvement with more than one gender/sex. This involvement may mean sexually, emotionally, in reality, or in fantasy. Monogamy and non-monogamy are relationship choices made independently of sexual identity. Some bisexuals are monogamous, some may have concurrent partners, others may relate to different genders/sexes during different times of their lives. Most bisexuals do not have to be involved with more than one person at a time in order to feel fulfilled. We see the person not the gender.

Gypsy_Rose

May 26, 2014, 4:21 PM

Hi,

I found this site googling for this topic. Been married now for 8 years, together for 10. This is my second marriage. First to a man, now to a woman. Got about the same amount of time in, and got to the same place: I miss sex with the other sex, like, A LOT. My wife is strictly monogamous. I knew that going in, but after a failed marriage to a man, I thought, maybe I just was meant to be with a woman and it would all be alright. And now I find myself here once again.

It's tough to talk to her about it because, in my experience, lesbians are touchy about bi-sexual women. They assume all bi women are just curious about being lesbians and will eventually leave them for a man. I don't want to leave my wife. But, there's the whole issue of her not having a penis. And no, strap-ons are just not the same. The sex is just not the same. Men smell different, they taste different, they feel different. And I miss them.

Anyway, I don't suppose I am looking for answers, just a place to talk. As someone said earlier, there are three choices: 1) Accept, 2) Cheat, 3) Leave. For now, I'm going with #1. It's just frustrating some days more than others. Especially as we no longer have sex withIN the marriage. Yeah, lesbian bed death. It's real.

So, anyway, thanks for letting me vent, thanks for being here.

~Rose

Realist

May 26, 2014, 5:30 PM

Rose, you're not the first to think that, which is sublime will always be that way!

Like you, when I divorced, I assumed that I would be happier with another male; I didn't think I'd be with a woman, again. But, I didn't want to slam that door closed....so any prospective lover would be told I was still bisexual..

Being relationship oriented, I searched for a male partner.

When I found that a gay fellow I'd known for years had broken up with his long-time lover, I began to date him and we began a relationship.

I insisted he should be aware that I was bisexual and even though I didn't think I would, might someday meet a lady I'd want to date, too. He swore he was OK with that, as long as he wasn't expected to join us.

Then, I met a bisexual lady, right here on this site in late 2008, and we soon became lovers. Unlike you, I refused to resign myself to one gender. She was perfectly OK with my male lover...but he was NOT OK with her!

Sadly, my male lover became jealous and demanded I dump my newly found GF.

Telling him I'd never hidden my bisexuality from him, I felt no responsibility to adhere to his demands and gave him the choice to leave, to stay. But, I was not telling my GF to leave!

I hate to say, he chose to go!

All has worked out well, however, and I'm experiencing the best relationship of my life. I can still have a male lover if I want and she can have a female lover if she wants.

Life is good, when you're accepted for being who you are, with those who love you and there are no unrealistic demands upon you.

Not being jealous has been a huge boon to our happiness, too!

JUSTLUVIN

May 26, 2014, 7:43 PM

Hi,

It's tough to talk to her about it because, in my experience, lesbians are touchy about bi-sexual women. They assume all bi women are just curious about being lesbians and will eventually leave them for a man.

So, anyway, thanks for letting me vent, thanks for being here.

~Rose

Yea I understand that one. I am quite amazed at the tolerance gays and lesbians want everyone to have towards them but then when it comes to a bisexual person, a lot of them don't know how to handle it. I have met quite a few lesbian women who just can't take it and there are some gay guys who just think you are gay if you even think of liking men.

As for your other statements I feel for you in having to deal with this dilemma we are all in. Men are quite different from women and I long to find another bi man to touch. Women are great but not the same as a man and you really cannot compare the two since they don't compete.

wifekinky4husband

May 26, 2014, 11:26 PM

JUSTLUVIN

May 26, 2014, 11:49 PM

All has worked out well, however, and I'm experiencing the best relationship of my life. I can still have a male lover if I want and she can have a female lover if she wants.

Life is good, when you're accepted for being who you are, with those who love you and there are no unrealistic demands upon you.

That is so great to hear. It is amazing how a relationship can work when one changes a perception about relationships. It takes two and you did it. I wish others were not so judgmental or rigid in their belief system.

Gypsy_Rose

May 27, 2014, 3:22 AM

It is amazing how a relationship can work when one changes a perception about relationships. It takes two and you did it. I wish others were not so judgmental or rigid in their belief system.

I agree. I personally do not believe in monogamy. If others want to be monogamous, power to them, but I believe it is a social construct we place upon ourselves and is not necessarily a natural state. if it were i don't think it would be so difficult for so many of us to maintain.

having an open relationship is not easy to do though either, if you also want to maintain a serious long term committed relationship in addition to multiple sexual partners, both people in the long term relationship have to be mature, secure, and engage in lots of open honest dialog. that's not always easy for people.

however that being said, my relationship, before this one, was at least partially open. he had no problem with me taking women as sexual partners in addition to our relationship as long as i came home to him. the problem i find is the women i have known want to settle down, domesticate and nest, whereas the men have been more open to multiple partners and a more free relationship. so even thought my former bf was open to me having women partners as well, the women often got too clingy and wanted me to give up my relationship with him.

eventually i met a woman i fell in love with (as much as my relationship with him worked sexually, i did not love him), and am now married to.

if only we could separate sex and relationship, i would be good. but so many people want to combine the two exclusively. i haven't had sex in years because my wife believes in monogamy, and i love and respect her, but most of all don't want to hurt her, and cheating would hurt her.

even if i weren't bi, it would be a problem. being bi just makes it more complicated, because even if we were having sex together, i would still be sexually attracted to men as well, and that's just something i could never satisfy within our relationship.

if i didn't love her, it would be easy. i didn't love my ex-husband, and eventually cheated and ultimately left him for another man, the one who was willing to let me explore my sexuality with others other than just him.

i'm 50 years old. i feel like it's too late to start all over again trying to find the perfect fit. that because i found love i should just be satisfied, and not selfish, that i have it better than many people who never find love. life is never perfect, and i feel like i should be grateful. yet i am frustrated, unfulfilled and sad.

there's a part of me that just wishes i could be a permanent part of a poly triad, with a bi female and a straight male. but it took me 40 years to find one person to love. the chances of me finding two at this stage of the game just seems like a fairy tale. (and plus at the end of the day, all problems aside, i DO love my wife, and don't actually want to leave her.)

thanks for listening.

Realist

May 27, 2014, 9:38 AM

Rose, you wrote........"there's a part of me that just wishes i could be a permanent part of a poly triad, with a bi female and a straight male."

Totally understand the attraction of a Triad, or Polyamorous arrangement...but have a question, or two.

My 1st wife was bisexual, but was totally and vehemently against my having any male sexual interaction. She went into great detail to give her opinions of how perverted and against-nature, male-on-male sexuality was!

She felt it was perfectly natural and even desirable for women to be lovers. But, in the same breath, she would pontificate about the evils of men "doing it"!

You're not the first lady, here, who has made that statement and I think the dichotomy is not all that rare...so, I'd like to hear why you made that comment about wanting to be with a straight male? Did you mean "ONLY A STRAIGHT MALE"?

Is that your set-in-concrete rule, or would it really matter, if you loved a bisexual man?

I've been in three poly relationships. One failed because of a husband's jealousy...even though he initiated the union, but the other two were rewarding and maybe my best partnerships, ever.

Not trying to be obstinate, or intrusive, would just like to hear your thoughts on the questions above.

JUSTLUVIN

May 27, 2014, 1:24 PM

To Realist and Rose,

I truly enjoyed reading your post. Rose, you said some profound things and it is true; it is all about perception. The fact that you love you partner so much that you will abstain from exploring with others is admirable. I just wish your partner could see what you are going through. Both you and Realist have or had partners that (excuse the term were or are selfish in their beliefs). Now I know you love them but we do have to admit that sometimes we have to be careful about pushing our belief systems on others. I know from your perspectives you are very sensitive about that. I wish others were.

If we could separate sex from relationships that would be grand. Since relationships involve so much more than sex anyway. I have come to see sex as a such a minor thing when it comes to relationships to the extent that when I see someone whose focus is just on who you are having sex with, I start to wonder where one's relationship is based. Is it purely on the physical level or somewhere else?

I do empathize with both of your dilemmas. I have been single all my life with a few girlfriends and a desire to explore my bi side. I don;t know why I didn't get married. There was one relationship I had with a woman that lasted for like 10 years. We were getting really solid in our relationship and even lived together. Sex was good but she was wanting to find her "one true love" and had these preconceived ideas of a relationship that you just don't find anywhere. At one time we were close enough to be involved but allowed ourselves to be open. One of her friends was going to be our first for a threesome but it never panned out. The third person started getting confused about what a relationship was all about and we saw it was causing her problems so we decided we better not go there. As you have mentioned, even though 2 may agree to be in an open relationship, you also have to think about the third.

Since that time I have talked with a lot of married men who knew I was bi and wished they could do something. The usual story is in a marriage for some 15 to 25 years and the wife decides she does not want to have sex anymore. The husband is fit to be tied and does not want to cheat on his wife but has desires and also a curiosity to be with men but not in a gay sense. It is a dilemma we have. I just wish our significant others could understand this. I dare say that the partners who believe in monogamy cannot say they have never fantasized about having sex with either someone else or someone of their own sex in their lifetime. Life is just to dang short.

My brother in law after marriage for 25 years is now re-evaluating his relationship. Come to find out, and I didn't know, that he got married because she was pregnant and they thought well we are good friends so lets get married. So he just now comes out and tells me he never loved her, he just felt like he should. I know that is another story but I just think about the loves we live for an ideal but not really happy, Again life is too short and I know I am rambling..forgive me. But Realist and Rose, I truly empathize with what you go through.

Gypsy_Rose

May 27, 2014, 5:41 PM

Oh Realist, I am so sorry that you experienced such terrible prejudice against who you are. Truly, I hold no such prejudice, just simply for me, and just for me, I do not, for lack of a better term, "get-off" on watching two men have sex together. I am not repulsed by it, nor do I think it is in any way wrong, but it is just not one of my major turn-ons. However, I know for many, many women it is exactly that! So those women would be better suited for relationships with bi men than I. But I wouldn't reject a man, and certainly would never berate him just because he was bi. I don't believe in any of those things that were told to you by your 1st wife. Your bisexuality is no less natural than my own. (And to be clear, I do not feel either are unnatural.)

Of course being in a relationship with a bi man could simply mean that he wants to have one on one relationships with men without including his female partner (in this scenario, me). But I like the idea of being involved all together as a triad as opposed to me going off and having female partners on my own, and he going off and having male partners on his own. It's just preference, but in no way prejudice.

It would simply be my "best case scenario" to be involved in a triad (more than three people and the potential pitfalls of interpersonal relationship become exponentially increased, so here, for me, less is more) where all of our individual sexual needs were met within the group, and that would involve the orientations I described.

It's like, most people have a "type" they are particularly drawn to, say leggy blonde females, or hairy bear males. That doesn't mean the person would necessarily ONLY involve themselves with people who fell into those categories, or disqualify someone from a potential relationship because they did not meet the specific "type" parameters. But those "type" preferences are just that, preferences, and not to the exclusion of other options.

I hope this makes sense. I didn't sleep very well, and I am not sure I am Englishing very well. (JustLovin, more later, I have to run!)

Gypsy_Rose

May 28, 2014, 6:25 AM

If we could separate sex from relationships that would be grand. Since relationships involve so much more than sex anyway.

This has historically been a big issue for me. The people I want to be in relationship with are not necessarily those with whom I want to have sex with. I had the hottest sex of my life with a woman who was a self-absorbed, cruel, abusive, alcoholic. There was no way to sustain an intimate relationship with her. But my god, the sex was AMAZING!

Then, there's my DW, who I adore with all my heart, and with whom I have an otherwise strong, communicative relationship, and with whom sex has been (after the first blush of falling in love) at best tepid, and now non-existent.

I've also found living with men makes me crazy!!! But I still really love having sex with them!

This is where the monogamy aspect of marriage becomes a burden to me. Perhaps if I ever found that perfect someone, or someones to be more precise because of my orientation, it might be different. But I have "kissed a lot of frogs" over the years, and have yet to find the perfect combination. So imho, if I love my spouse, and my spouse loves me, and we trust one another, and are secure in ourselves, I don't see why monogamy is necessary if sexual needs are not being met in the relationship. For heaven's sake, my wife does not know how to change the oil in my car or cut my hair so I go to someone else to fill those needs. Why does it have to be different with sex? Why must sex automatically imply relationship, commitment, and possession?

I've read some things over the years that would suggest that the human sex drive from a reproductive standpoint is biologically compelled to seek multiple sexual partners for the widest variety of genetics possible, for the strongest possible future generations. This makes sense to me scientifically. But then we have the historical overlay of patrilineal descent control, and monogamy and sole possession of sexual partners becomes societal norm.

So now, here I am in a sexless marriage, imprisoned in many ways by a belief system that does not serve anyone involved (in my situation, it may serve others in their situations). But there it is, as ingrained in her as Realist's ex-wife's prejudices, the firm and immovable belief that monogamy is indicative of love, and lack of monogamy is indicative of lack of love. So I have spent far more years than I care to count abstinent so as not to do anything that might hurt her. But, then, what of the pain the abstinence causes me? Do I give up all the good for this one single aspect?

I just don't know. But I am thankful for this place to talk about these issues and appreciate all of you who have engaged in discussion with me.

Realist

May 28, 2014, 8:25 AM

Rose wrote: "Oh Realist, I am so sorry that you experienced such terrible prejudice against who you are."

Some of these lessons have been hard to take..... but, as I aged, I used those events as learning exercises.

Thanks to this site, in 2008, I met a fantastic bisexual girl and am in a semi-monogamous relationship, that's been going strong for about 6 years, now. She is totally without jealousy and had no trouble with me being in a relationship with a gay fellow, when we met. I've never been jealous, either.

He, however, was NOT happy about my seeing her, even though he'd previously said he was OK with me being bi. A jealous tantrum got him out the door, never to return!

Oh, I'd like to have a male lover/FWB, and she'd probably enjoy a female lover, too, but we're at a good place in our lives and can live happily as things are, now.

JUSTLUVIN

May 28, 2014, 5:10 PM

SPOT ON Rose SPOT ON. I could have not said it any better. I personally think your views on relationships may be where we will all eventually be. IT appears the younger generation is not buying marriage in the traditional sense as they used to; it just does not make any sense. I also do not know why society has been stuck on this whole monogamy thing. Maybe the other option is just too chaotic for them. Again I do admire your love for her that you would not break your vow unless of course you came to new terms in your relationship.

It has been so therapeutic for me to hear what you and Realist have had to say. I share in your misery believe me and empathize with what you are going through. I had one glimmer of hope with my longtime girlfriend a few years ago when she started getting into a real explorative mood and saw something on tv about a 3some with 2 guys and a woman that made her feel special and looked after and wanted me to arrange for one of my make friends to come over. He was into it but a few days before it was to happen she backtracked and fear came over her like I was going to choose him over her which was not the case.

I see relationships the same way and don't know why but for some reason the one you choose to live your life with may not be the one you want to have sex with all the time.

I am so glad we have this forum though to vent and hope there is some relief for you in the future.

interpolator

Sep 2, 2014, 11:36 PM

It was only after our third year of marriage was I able to accept that I am bisexual. Sometimes, there's this thought that I wish I didn't get married because I don't want to hurt my wife. But then again, I'm already married, and have to face the fact that I am attracted to both sexes.

I've done a lot of crazy things because of this.

Melody Dean

Sep 3, 2014, 11:11 AM

Man, I wish I had seen this thread back when it was active!

I didn't realize my full sexuality until I was already in a long term committed relationship with the man I'd later marry. I've never really come out per se, but I've never been secretive about my desires. My husband and I have always admitted who else we found attractive, even if it was just someone walking down the street. So he was along for the journey as I figured out who I was.

And when we first started dating, we both knew that I had a lot of identity searching left to do. We took things slow, dated for 2 years before getting engaged (he once told me to let him know when I was ready, so essentially, I ended up proposing to him), and then we were engaged for 2 years before being married.

There is a 12 year age difference between us, so even before we got engaged, we knew there would come a day when one of us would want to look outside our relationship for sex. We agreed on two rules: we always returned to our bed at the end of the night, and we would ask the other person for permission first.

We've been married for 11 years, and neither one of us have taken advantage of our agreement. For me, I would've let him, but I wasn't ready until recently. But, I know he doesn't have anyone else he's interested in right now. So without him having someone, I would feel guilty with someone else.

To add more complications into the mix, my husband is a disabled veteran. He's home alone all day and doesn't get a lot of chances to hang out with his friends more than a couple times a week. (He also doesn't drive, so it's hard for him to go visit on his own.) I work over 40 hours a week, plus volunteer, plus I'm part of a club that meets every week. He's lonely and misses me, so I'd feel bad spending any more time away from him.

But to get even more complex... He's on a medicine that saps his libido. I'm a sex addict that has done very well keeping things in check.

So, we've been mutually voluntarily monogamous for 15 years, but it's not going to stay that way forever. I'm conflicted. I love my husband so much, and even though it's "allowed," I'm afraid of hurting him. At the same time, to quote Firefly, "Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!" (Okay, it hasn't been a year, but the sentiment remains the same, it's been too long.)

Looking back through this thread, I don't think monogamy is about control. I don't think the partners who want to be monogamous are trying to control their spouse, I think they're jealous about time spent with someone that could be spent with them, and I think there's a fear that they'll lose the person they love to someone else. I'm lucky that neither my husband and I are very jealous.

I also agree that bisexuals have an additional challenge over monosexuals. No one person can satisfy both hemispheres of our desire, they just don't have the equipment. Neglecting half of your sexuality for the rest of your life is hard, which adds another level to a monogamous relationship.

I also wonder what percentage of sex addicts are bisexual? From the responses here, it seems like some people are simply bi, and some aren't suited for a monogamous relationship no matter what their sexuality is, and I suspect that includes some sex addicts. Personally, I love everything to do with sex, and I'm not going to limit myself to one gender. If we want to get into the technicality of labels, I guess I'm more pansexual, because I'm not going to limit myself to 2 genders either.

WebothBbi

Sep 3, 2014, 11:35 AM

I'm not a sex addict, but I do LOVE sex way more than my husband does. I've been told that my appetite is rather large. And being bisexual does help. Lol we've always had the agreement that I can have a girlfriend at anytime, and now that he's figuring things out, he and I talked and he wants to grow in his sexuality with me there, and maybe eventually he can become comfortable enough that he will also have a playmate if he wants one too. Its all about communication, trust, love, honesty and respect. You have to trust the bonds that you have will be strong enough that you can talk about anything and know that there will be unconditional love and respect for each other, not as a spouse but as a human being and a friend.

JUSTLUVIN

Sep 3, 2014, 11:37 AM

I have been reading through most of these posts here and it is interesting to hear such diverse views on this subject. As bisexual people we tend to be folks who don't follow a set of "norms" that I don't ever really think existed. But tha is just my view.

One thing I have noticed though is that with regards to marriage, all of these questions revolve around how we all define marriage. And it appears sex is a big part of it all. Being bisexual, you are what you are and marriage will not change that. So it appears that when it comes to marriage, one needs to define what it is to them and their partner (s) and come to an agreement everyone is happy with.

There is much talk of spouses who lost interest in sex and gave their significant others permission to explore. The question I have is that if the other spouse decides to have sex again and wants to explore other people, would this be acceptable with us? Very interesting discussion

Olivia920601

Apr 22, 2015, 2:19 AM

I got my true love with a bisexual women on dating sites such as http://www.bi-sexualdating.com/
We are ready for wedding next month. Im hoping that you could meetup with someone one day

charles-smythe

Apr 26, 2015, 9:58 PM

pole_smoker

Apr 27, 2015, 3:46 AM

…if you’re married & bi…I think you should keep your dick sucking private…there are some things that are no one else’s business…not even your wife’s…

Just wondering why do you have that mentality? I personally don't and neither does my partner; but we've been out as bisexual to all the women and men we dated before we met each other.

robert4friends

Apr 27, 2015, 6:54 AM

I am glad to see this thread has been bumped to the top again. It is a very common problem.

In my opinion honesty is the only thing that works. Relationships change as the people in them change. Being unhappy does not make a relationship better. If it has run it's course so be it. It is hard no matter what the choice and I do not judge a man no matter what his choice is. For me it is better to tell her but I am not in his shoes. He needs to evaluate the risks and benefits in his life for himself.

I was with the same woman for 28 years. She knew from the beginning that I was bi. She insisted in monogamy so I kept my promise and did not stray. I also was clear to her that I was perfectly fine with her having sex with others and it was repeated to her from time to time throughout our marriage. It turned out that she chose to cheat. For the last few years her business trips were to meet with other men and she ended up leaving me for a man she met playing games on Facebook. All she had to do is talk to me about it and things would have been fine. Cheating destroys trust and how do you have a relationship without trust? Sometimes it feels like I wasted 28 years and I know what it feels like to deny part of your sexuallity for someone elses "standards". It sucks! It was the second marriage that where monogamy was insisted on by the women I married and yet it was those same women who could not live up to it. Now at 61 I look back and I cannot think of one relationship where monogamy worked for anyone I have known. This is not something limited to bisexual people, it happens in every kind of relationship. Monogamy was never even my idea or something I wanted but I still did it for them. What was I thinking?

Now I think being honest about my needs and desires is the best choice. Maybe an open relationship or poly is the only way for me now. Sure, there are far fewer women interested in me because I am bi. Now I look to bi women for a possible relationship even though many of them cannot accept a bi man.

I meet bi men pretty regularly who are going through the same thing as I have. Most are married and for most of those guys being with a man is something they always wanted to do but didn't for very similar reasons. I always take extra time with them. I do not judge them. For some it is like opening up to a new part of life and being set free. For others they find the fantasy is not for them in real life. Either way it a release of the imaginary chains that bind them.

charles-smythe

Apr 27, 2015, 10:10 AM

Just wondering why do you have that mentality? I personally don't and neither does my partner; but we've been out as bisexual to all the women and men we dated before we met each other. …I suppose it’s because I’ve been & seen too many guys get screwed around on by SO…I’ve became jaded…no one can be trusted…so if you’re going to get screwed around on…you may as well relax & enjoy yourself too…

discoveringme

Apr 28, 2015, 1:03 PM

New here. This is my first post. My situation is a bit different from many because my marriage is to a woman, but I'm bisexual and have been acted on it for about a year with 2 affairs - both men. About 6 months ago, I told my partner. Yes, I confessed. It's been a nightmare since. We're working through this mess I've created but it's not going well. She seems to think that I'm conditioning myself to want men - watching occasional straight porn. And that it could be a midlife crisis. I don't know what the hell is happening. I've been with men before but not for over 20 years. Why it's hitting me so hard now, I don't know. Hate it though. The thing that bugs me is that it feels like I'm 1/2 celibate if I'm not having sex with a man as well as my partner. Does that make sense? People say it's like having an attraction to a blonde but your spouse is a brunette. It's all about who you choose to be with and staying true to that one person. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I need to stay monogamous and not act on the desire. Not easy.