relationships with bisexaul man

[shellc]

I'm in a relationship and just found out he is bisexual. I really like this guy and want to continue seeing him but i know nothing about bisexaulality. any help would be greatly appreciated.

[miamiuu]

just means he thinks some guys are cute. find out what he wants from you. Cus just cus he is bi doesnt mean he needs to be screwing with men while he is with you. im bi but if i had a girlfriend i loved i wouldnt need a man. find out what type of bisexual guy he is.

[DB Forever]

Shellc,
Make sure you talk with him and find out all about his bisexuality. Most men will not want to talk about this subject, but you need to. This can be a major problem between couples unless they talk about their needs and desires.

[IndyBiFun]

ShellC, you do need to talk with him. But don't put him in a defensive matter or he'll likely not talk.

How did you find out? Did he tell you?

Talking and discussing this with him might feel like a ton of bricks has been lefted off his mind.

Just know that although he identifies as bisexual doesn't mean that he's a horn dog or will be unfaithful to you in your relationship.

[DuckiesDarling]

I echo what has already been said, you need to talk to him and like Indy said, do it without accusing. Communication is the key to any relationship, hon, and even more so when you are involved with a bisexual. Good luck.

[DB Forever]

Shellc,
I agree with all, you need to talk with him without putting him on the defensive. Be open and honest with him. The only way to keep him is to be honest. Hopefully, he will be honest with you. If he is not honest with you then let him go. Harsh words but the best thing for you.

[bizel]

hi shellc, as everyone else has said, communication is the key. talk to him. find out what form his bi side takes. some know they are bi and don't take it any further. they are attracted to both sexes but are happy to be in a relationship with one person. others need to act on their bi side - have sex with the same gender, but want a relationship with the opposite. i'd find out what his bi side means to him. can he be faithful to you - if that's what you need? or does he need to sometimes fulfill his other side, but love only you? can you handle that? it's better to get it sorted now before you two get to serious. some people cheat on the side with the same gender without revealing it to their partner, and that is fraught with danger and too painful for both of you. a lack of honesty will kill any relationship - not just cos he's bi.

whatever he says, take a deep breath think it through. don't react and lash out til you have considered the whole situation. any relationship can work if you are both honest, patient and considerate enough of each other's needs. being bi is not bad. my hubby of 11yrs has recently come out bi, and we are taking it day by day, finding our feet. i used to panic at what he said. now, i take a step back, breathe and think it through. you're not alone. feel free to contact us anytime. hug, b.

[shellc]

Thank you all. He told me he said he wanted it out in the open before we went any father in our relationship. He has been very honest with me and I with him. We've discussed it often and I willing have agreed to try new things that interest him. As miamiuu said he willing says he wants to only be with me but there are things he enjoys that he has ask of me and i'm ok with that I care deeply for him and want to make him as happy as he makes me. However, my fear is that one day he will resent me because he gave up men for me. Again thank you all for your words of wisdom.

[matutum]

just means he thinks some guys are cute. find out what he wants from you. Cus just cus he is bi doesnt mean he needs to be screwing with men while he is with you. im bi but if i had a girlfriend i loved i wouldnt need a man. find out what type of bisexual guy he is.

thats right,miamauu is correct

[tenni]

Shellc

It is true that he may remain monogamous with you but I'm going to give you a warning.

Some bisexual men believe that they may remain monogamous with a woman initially but over the number of years, that may change. You mention that there are certain things that he enjoys and you have been willing to try them. I'm inclined to wonder if that this may be anal penetration with a strap on. That may work or work for awhile.

Do keep the dialogue open and on going though. Over time that may not meet his needs and he may want a real penis. It is not a rejection of you but you may not be able to meet all of his needs even if he says it works now. Listen to what he says that he wants from a man or a man's body. If it is only penetration then maybe a strap on will work. If it is more penis focused as in oral with a man that may be more difficult to simulate.

If they are desires and not needs he may remain monogamous but begin to resent the closed door option. If you keep an on going open dialogue with him and open to the possibility of him being with a man in the future if he discusses it with you before hand so that rules may be set up. Don't assume that just because he says now that he will do without a man that is going to remain that way in the future. Bisexuality is more of fluid sexuality. Be prepared rather than closed about the future options.

[rutemptedalso]

Always be prepared for the worst - He wants a real penis. Let him have one as long as it's just one for life. Help him find that life long friend - if he doesn't already have one. You need to be as in on this as you can be. You need to know that there's no danger of STDs. If you really like the guy don't back him in the corner or it will never work.

[DuckiesDarling]

I do want to say one thing in this thread, his sexuality doesn't change the fact that he could be monogamous. A lot of guys and gals try with the best of intentions but they can't. Some "love only once", some are faithful as can be as long as a relationship lasts. But it has nothing to do the sexuality, it has to do with the man, and with you. If you ask for monogamy from him will you give it to him? Will you be faithful?

[jem_is_bi]

My partner is bisexual. That means that I can not satisfy all his sexual needs. At times, he needs a woman. I am OK with that. As a male, I can not satisfy his need for a woman. But, women can not satisfy his need for me. So, I am very happy!:)
If you can not feel the same as I do. I am not so sure all will be so happy for you at some time in the future.

[tenni]

Jem has a good idea what some bisexuals are.

Those that make statements about sexuality and specifically bisexuality as having nothing to do with whether one may be monogamous are writing from a narrow perspective that doesn't really understand many forms of bisexuality. Now when a heterosexual writes such "stuff" it must be understood that is the view of a narrow minded heterosexual. There is "desire" bisexuality and "need" bisexuality. Monogamy is not for all forms of bisexuality. Such bisexuals should not be looked down upon by monosexuals who post in this forum. Accept us. You write like being monogamous is better than other forms of relationships?

[DuckiesDarling]

Not a narrow perspective, just common sense. If you can't be faithful don't claim to be and don't ask more from your partner than you are willing to give. If you can't be faithful don't get into a monogamous relationship, I wasn't slamming open relationships, I wasn't promoting monogamy, I was answering the question asked and asked a question in turn to the OP. Cheating wouldn't exist if communication was open and honest with partners. For those that can't spend their life with one partner, don't just have one partner but be upfront and honest about it to avoid hurt feelings and betrayals.

Tenni, you supposedly have me on ignore, therefore don't take potshots at me with edits when I respond to a thread.

[Long Duck Dong]

shellc.... I am a bisexual man in a relationship with a hetero female

from a bisexual males point of view, it can be hard on the hetero partner to understand and relate to the bisexual, but it is not the heteros role in life to accomodate the bisexual and their desires....

it is a dual aspect of a relationship and no person is under a obligation to accomodate the other partners wants and desires, its a choice that both people need to be able to make freely and openly without biased or pressure....

there is the understanding with some people in the site, that heteros are wrong if the bisexual can not get their own way...... thats far from the truth and the opinion of people that have serious issues.....

in a relationship, the role of each partner is as a companion, lover and partner to the other person..... open relationships and unrestricted sexual expression are a extension of that... not a automatic right of one partner cos of bisexuality.

there are bisexuals that enjoy and embrace the monogamous lifestyle as they know and understand that sucking cocks is not always the experience its made out to be, and they can say ( as I do ) that the pros are far outweighed by the cons of casual sex.....

while I am a monogamous bisexual, I am fully supportive of open and poly relationships, provided the people within it are in it freely and by choice.... so yeah I have a stance where no partner should feel pressured or obligated to allow a open relationship if the person is not able to handle it....
as a partner, you have rights, desires, wants and needs that need desiring too... and one partners desire for casual sex, should need make your concerns and worries, null and void......

there are hetero people in the site that would talk with you on a more personal level with your concerns if you so desire..... duckies darling is my long term hetero partner and so she understands what it can be life for a hetero female in a relationship with a bisexual male, and issues connected with monogamy and bisexual desires......

[tenni]

Shellc
You should know that Duckies Darling and Long Dong Duck are engaged but live thousands of miles apart. They have not had in person sex for about two years. They spent three months together in person. If you believe that this type of person who sexual needs/desires are close enough to your bisexual partner's sexual needs, then do discuss matters with them and listen to their advice.

[coyotedude]

shellc,

It is possible for a straight woman to have a long-term monogamous relationship with a bisexual man. My straight wife and I have been married in a monogamous relationship for over 14 years. I came out to her the first night we started dating.

There's no question that we have had our challenges over the years. Negotiating boundaries within the relationship can be hard, emotional work. Let me echo what others have said: open and honest communication is absolutely essential to making a mixed-orientation relationship work. You might also want to concentrate for now on short-term goals within the relationship, rather than worry too much about what will happen 5 or 10 years from now.

Ultimately, you and your partner will have to decide where your joint boundaries are. There is nothing wrong with some level of openness in the relationship if the two of you are both comfortable with that. If the two of you choose a monogamous relationship, that is a perfectly valid choice too.

The fact is, life is all about choices. With choices come trade offs. That's true in any relationship, whether mixed-orientation or not.

Whatever choices you and your boyfriend make, I wish you the best.

Peace

[Long Duck Dong]

Shellc
You should know that Duckies Darling and Long Dong Duck are engaged but live thousands of miles apart. They have not had in person sex for about two years. They spent three months together in person. If you believe that this type of person who sexual needs/desires are close enough to your bisexual partner's sexual needs, then do discuss matters with them and listen to their advice.

yeah DD lives in the USA and I live in NZ.... so we know a great deal about living with sexual desires that are not met and will not be met until we are together again......

we also know and understand how long distance communication is a lot harder to do, than a face to face, as a lot of things have to be talked about very clearly and openly... as there is no body language to read and no way to read expressions..... so we do spend a lot of time talking about the issues we face and that helped us over come a number of issues when DD was here last

thats one of the keys to making things work... I can not just sweep DD into my arms and kiss her tenderly, in order to put things right.... I have to do it in words and with a lot more understanding and sensitivity than I am normally used to putting into a relationship.....

now, the interesting thing about tenni and his remarks... is that they give the impression that somehow, long distance sexual desires, are some how different to a couple that are in the same bed...... thats a fallacy and a example of the lack of tennis knowledge.... as the sexual wants, needs and desires are no different....

what does happen, is that the sexual needs and desires wane and lessen as there is less temption and desire..... we are both not around people that much so we are not affected as much as we both would be, with constant daily interaction......

I do have permission and the freedom to go and fulfill my sexual desires, but as i have said to my partner duckie.... I made a commitment to her, knowing what I was getting myself into..... and I am able to handle the monogamous lifestyle better than most...... I freely and willingly choose that lifestyle as its a indication of I will give as good as I get.....

my partner is not in a situation of being able to have sex and chooses not to.... I am the same and even tho I am bisexual, it is no different for me, than any other person......
the choice to go outside of the relationship for sex, is not something I have to do.... its something I can choose to do.

there are some people that will argue that the way we are doing things, is wrong, that I as a bisexual, should no have to deny myself cos of my partners desires..... but the choice is mine and so in the level of commitment to the relationship and my partner.....

in a sense, its a bit like living the marriage vows early.... " for better or worse " and its a pride thing with me.... a way of showing my partner that when the going gets tough, the tough dig in their heels..... and that is something my partner needs to see in me and our relationship

as for tenni and his remarks about narrow minded monosexuals, I guess that tenni forgot that you are a monosexual ( a person that is attracted to one gender only ) .... and appears to have not realised that he is telling another monosexual female ( my partner ) that she has no idea about being in relationships with a bisexual male....

on behalf of the forum and its members, I would like to offer a apology to you for that..... as we have a number of hetero / mono ladies in the site that are much loved and respected by many of the members and their adivce and feedback is valued by many of the members in the site

[tenni]

I am well aware that the OP is a monosexual and that is why I am informing her that the relationship between LDD & DD is unique as far as relationships between bisexual men and heterosexual women.

Many bisexual men do not function on the same level of abstinence as LDD when it comes to sex with other men or women. Any advice should be factoring in this rather exceptional than normative bisexual male sexual behaviour. His fiance's experience and any advice/opinion is limited to one exceptional male bisexual experience. For a monsexual woman to make a post that a man's bisexuality has nothing to do with how faithfulness (monogamy) is determined is a misrepresentation of many bisexual men's issues. It is wiser to look at a relationship with a bisexual man as different as far what being faithful means. Determine your own boundaries /rules and come to an agreement with him. His sexuality may require a very different perspective than a monosexual relationship.

Sexuality counts. To write that a bisexual man "could" be monogamous is putting unrealistic pressure on this issue. Ie "If LDD can be monogamous and refrain from sex, why can't you darling". "Could" as in physically capable rather than "may be". Some bisexual men "can not" be monogamous, happy and at peace with themselves. Some bisexual men can be happy with one woman and one man. There is a wide range of possibilities as to how bisexual men live their lives and their sexuality counts to great degree differently than monosexual men.

[Long Duck Dong]

shellc has the right to know and understand that as a partner of a bisexual woman, she is under no obligation to accept and allow him to go outside of the relationship....

shellc has the right to know that in a relationship, that her rights, opinions and desires matter as well..... and that she doesn't have to take a second place to bisexual desires.....

shellc has the right to know that not all bisexual males want to go outside of the relationship and there are a good number of them that value that relationship more than extra relationship activities

shellc has the right to know that the range of bisexuals is rather vast and not confined to the people like you tenni, that sit in the forums, blaming the heteros and monosexuals for the actions of bisexuals that cheat, lie and manipulate in relationships for their own advantage

and shellc has the right to talk with and ask for help from people that are not bisexual, that have been spoken about in the site, as a good source of help and understanding from a not bisexual point of view..... and my partner is one of them......

some men may not be able to be monogamous... so it becomes shellc's right to know if her partner is one of them bisexuals, so she can decide if she wants to remain in the relationship or not...... and if she does and says no to him going outside of the relationship.... that you have the opinion that its ok for the bisexual to cheat, lie and manipulate in order to get laid.... and that there are many bisexuals in the site that will take her side and support her...... and that you will take her partners side and blame her as a hetero / mono female, for her partners actions

there is a lot shellc has the right to know..... and you are not gonna shut me and duckie up, cos shellc has a right to know all opinions.... not just yours

[neveen]

I wonder if the topic had been "relationships w/bisexual women" would the thread have gotten so heated (in a good way, of course)? something about those bi men :P

[AidanS57]

Reading this thread is a good indication of why the OP thought most people on bisexual.com were into open relationships. She asked a valid question and was given valid answers from people's personal experience.

I tend to agree with the people on here and a lot of those were bisexuals that state that being monogamous has nothing to do with sexuality as it matches my own experience. As an long distance truck driver I wanted someone waiting for me at home so I made the mistake of meeting a local girl and falling for her. She lived at home while I was doing my dedicated runs and she didn't have a problem with me being bisexual even though she was straight and she just wanted me to not engage in sexual relations while on the road. It was something I agreed to as having quickies was fast becoming old. One day I had a stop canceled and dropped my load at an earlier spot which put me home a day earlier. Came in expecting to find my partner who had demanded faithfulness with me in bed with two other guys having the time of her life.

Kicked her out and avoided relationships for a long time because of the pain that betrayal caused. Have a good one now and I have no problems being faithful cause that's what she gives me, faithfulness.

To say that someone is hardwired to cheat because they are bisexual does bisexuals a great disservice. We bitch and moan about being called the sluts of the sexual world yet we prove again and again that is exactly what we can be at times.

Shellc, welcome to the site and I hope to see many more posts from you. I wish you luck in your relationship and I will say yes a bisexual can be faithful and a bisexual can be unfaithful. But it's not due to being bisexual it's just the type of person they are.

Aidan

[azirish]

The thread would be filled with "high fives" and "can I watch?" The media and society at large has spent the last twenty plus years telling everyone how "hot" and "trendy" pseudo "lesbians" and pseudo "bi females" for "his fantanties" are. Monkey see, monkey do.:rolleyes:


I wonder if the topic had been "relationships w/bisexual women" would the thread have gotten so heated (in a good way, of course)? something about those bi men :P

[void()]

Do you love one another? Can you keep communication open, and really listen to each other? If yes, have a good relationship. If no, well, you might work at it, or just cut loses. No need for all this stilted crap talk when it boils down to that.


Sorry, having a pissy. Get over it, I already did.

[tenni]

"there is a lot shellc has the right to know..... and you are not gonna shut me and duckie up, cos shellc has a right to know all opinions.... not just yours"

I completely agree with this statement LDD but you have been creating propaganda that has been too narrow in its interpretation for whatever reasons in your past for many years on this site. You have presented your own bias as if they were facts but have been altering your language recently to be more receptive that you do not have "the answer". If you accept that your perspective is not "the way" then there is progress. I have no desire to "shut you up" ...just have you make statements in a less dogmatic form.

Making statements that sexuality is not a factor as whether a bisexual man may be able to be monogamous is simply incorrect and one of your "team's" errors that is presented as fact. It is your duckie that made statement as fact rather than opinion. Your "team's" obsession with "cheating" is a poor choice in examining the bisexual male. Regardless of a man's sexuality some men do "cheat" for reasons beyond their sexuality. Some bisexual men find themselves in relationships where communication has broken down to the point that they feel suicidal. A site such as this should offer alternative rather than mainstream perspective's on bisexual men's sexuality. Monogamy is not for them and so why condemn them if their heterosexual partner refuses to accept an alternative view on sexual relations? Bisexual men on this site may want to help explain this aspect of bisexuality rather than some of the past statements made by LDD. It is my opinion that LDD seems to support more mainstream perspectives rather than a more supportive and tolerant view of bisexual men who have a need rather than a desire for same and opposite sex activity. He is almost anti bisexual male that is not "just like him". Then again, he himself is not close enough to this form of bisexuality if he is a man who can abstain for great length's of time. I believe that he doesn't really represent many bisexual men's perspective and experiences. Why not comment less and with less dogma, LDD? Show more empathetic support for your fellow bisexual men.

One thing shellc should know is that this is simply a lot of opinions. We are simply strangers expressing our view.

Void has made a good statement without dogma. Unfortunately a lot of heterosexual women are not willing to do this.

[Long Duck Dong]

"there is a lot shellc has the right to know..... and you are not gonna shut me and duckie up, cos shellc has a right to know all opinions.... not just yours"

I completely agree with this statement LDD but you have been creating propaganda that has been too narrow in its interpretation for whatever reasons in your past for many years on this site. You have presented your own bias as if they were facts but have been altering your language recently to be more receptive that you do not have "the answer". If you accept that your perspective is not "the way" then there is progress. I have no desire to "shut you up" ...just have you make statements in a less dogmatic form.

Making statements that sexuality is not a factor as whether a bisexual man may be able to be monogamous is simply incorrect and one of your "team's" errors that is presented as fact. It is your duckie that made statement as fact rather than opinion. Your "team's" obsession with "cheating" is a poor choice in examining the bisexual male. Regardless of a man's sexuality some men do "cheat" for reasons beyond their sexuality. Some bisexual men find themselves in relationships where communication has broken down to the point that they feel suicidal. A site such as this should offer alternative rather than mainstream perspective's on bisexual men's sexuality. Monogamy is not for them and so why condemn them if their heterosexual partner refuses to accept an alternative view on sexual relations? Bisexual men on this site may want to help explain this aspect of bisexuality rather than some of the past statements made by LDD. It is my opinion that LDD seems to support more mainstream perspectives rather than a more supportive and tolerant view of bisexual men who have a need rather than a desire for same and opposite sex activity. He is almost anti bisexual male that is not "just like him". Then again, he himself is not close enough to this form of bisexuality if he is a man who can abstain for great length's of time. I believe that he doesn't really represent many bisexual men's perspective and experiences. Why not comment less and with less dogma, LDD? Show more empathetic support for your fellow bisexual men.

One thing shellc should know is that this is simply a lot of opinions. We are simply strangers expressing our view.

Void has made a good statement without dogma. Unfortunately a lot of heterosexual women are not willing to do this.

ROFLMAO...... you don't like my opinion.. then do not read the folowing

respect goes both ways in a relationship

there is more people in the relationship than a bisexual and their cock

stop making excuses for your actions and admit that they were your own choices, nobody forced you to cheat

if you can not love, respect and care about your partner, the way you say do.... then give them the right to leave....

bisexuals are not assholes, its just that some assholes are bisexual.....


put me on ignore tenni, cos I ain't shutting up any time soon

[Bimarriedok]

Shellc,
Make sure you talk with him and find out all about his bisexuality. Most men will not want to talk about this subject, but you need to. This can be a major problem between couples unless they talk about their needs and desires.

Look, if you're going to make a big deal about it, it will become the defining element of your relationship and you won't be able to get beyond it. You don't need to get all into it. Just ask him if he intends to stay with you and only you. Find out more about bisexuality on your own and if he's open to questions, you'll be able to ask intelligent questions that he won't shy away from.

[theartofcontrol]

He's been totally open and honest with you. That means he's a great guy to be with. What more would you want?

[neveen]

Then again, he himself is not close enough to this form of bisexuality if he is a man who can abstain for great length's of time. I believe that he doesn't really represent many bisexual men's perspective and experiences.




i know this is off-topic, and i apologize, but i wonder have there been any threads or polls to show percentages of bi men who are monogamous bi's and those who identify closer to what tenni has described? just curious :p

[Bimarriedok]

shellc has the right to know that not all bisexual males want to go outside of the relationship and there are a good number of them that value that relationship more than extra relationship activities

shellc has the right to know that the range of bisexuals is rather vast and not confined to the people like you tenni, that sit in the forums, blaming the heteros and monosexuals for the actions of bisexuals that cheat, lie and manipulate in relationships for their own advantage

and shellc has the right to talk with and ask for help from people that are not bisexual, that have been spoken about in the site, as a good source of help and understanding from a not bisexual point of view..... and my partner is one of them......

some men may not be able to be monogamous... so it becomes shellc's right to know if her partner is one of them bisexuals, so she can decide if she wants to remain in the relationship or not...... and if she does and says no to him going outside of the relationship.... that you have the opinion that its ok for the bisexual to cheat, lie and manipulate in order to get laid.... and that there are many bisexuals in the site that will take her side and support her...



I am one of those bisexuals and I do take her side and support her. I've been married for 10 years faithfully to a hetero woman. She has said she does not want to know about my sexual past and I have had no obligation to tell her. Some bi's are sex hounds and others see their bisexuality in terms greater than simple sexuality. As with all people regardless of orientation, if your partner is all about sex and only about sex, that relationship is probably doomed to fail.

[wrbi01]

Shellc,

I came out to my wife back in October and to be honest I had not acted on my bi side because I was married to her so far for 17 years. Now that Im out I wish I had come out before we had gotten married because it can be a strain when one dosent know and the other is suffering thinking about it.

My wife is totally ok with it... her thoughts are that I am less likely to leave her for a man than I would be if I was with another woman. To tell the truth she went out... helped me purchase my first few toys... and found that she liked the excitement and arrousal it caused for her being able to be "in control". Now while I have permission to be with a man if I would like I go back and fourth trying to find the right guy and she wants to be with me during my first time.... sooo.. well... I guess the big thing is... we talk more about it now. She understands my wants and needs and enjoys the time we spend together.

Most posts in this thread are correct... keep the comunication lines open... keep your mind and heart open... and if it dosent work out thats ok.. but if it does... get ready for a wild, fun ride :)