Trying to understand

[sunset75]

Hi I really dont know what I am looking for but I have a lot of questions and really don't know where to go to find the answers, because I doubt I will get the answers from the one person who really holds them. I really want to talk to him but i have no idea how or even if i should try if he doesnt bring it up.
Anyway. I recently found out my exbf has at the very least had oral sex with another guy (I am female). I found out because the guy is ironically now a friend of mine. While we were dating I suspected a little but just chalked it up to my inexperience. (He is my first love and sexual experience and I waited til i was 30.). I actually asked him once, half jokingly about if he wanted to be with a guy. We dated for a year and then on and off for the next four yrs (currently off but its only been a few months). I am def not closed minded about sexual orientation. I have a few bisexual friends, both male and female so the topic did come up with him, so i know he knows I am not narrow minded. I believe you should do whatever makes you happy (as long as it doesnt hurt anyone else)
I have searched my feelings and I can find no anger and i hold no grudge. I just want to know why he didnt tell me. I guess that is my first question. Is it "normal" to keep ones bisexuality a secret from there partner? And is it possible to truly be in a relationship if you are hiding a part of yourself? I tried so hard to work things out with him but he always ended up backing off. Now that I have learned about him also liking guys I wonder if it was always domed for failure because he didnt share. Yes I know maybe he really just wasnt into to me, but i cant help but wonder if it was something else now.
I also have questions about if you are bisexual can you be happy with one sex or the other? I have asked my female friends who are bi this question and they say yes but they also have a preference for being with females. The guys that I know, I am not close enough with to ask questions...so i hope maybe some of you could help. I am curious cuz I still love the guy and have no problem with him having been with guys. I love him...all of him. My questiion is that if we worked things out and he came out to me, would it be possible to have a real monogamous relationship , or will he want to have something else ( I know you cant speak for him... i am asking for you to speak for your selves) and I know straight people wander, not trying to streotype. I just want to understand because of some of the stuff I have read on the boards seems to suggest that there is alot of open relationships out there. I am sounding very naive and stupid for applying what i have read from a few and wondering if it applies to the masses. I apologize for that. Thanks for any responses and I really hope I didnt offend anyone I am just trying to understand. I have spent the past five yrs loving this guy and I want to understand regardless of whether or not he is in my life.

[tenni]

Welcome to the site. You have written your thoughts and questions well without any offense. I am writing my perspective and others will have their own opinion on your questions.

Is it normal for a bisexual to keep this secret from his female lover? Yes, it is if he is not really comfortable with his bisexuality and fears rejection from you or other women and society.

The important thing may be to have an honest and open discussion with your male lover. Since your relationship with him has been an on and off again thing, whether this is going to work for you is unknown but with care it may. Once and if you are able to discuss bisexuality with him and he is comfortable with discussing it, a lot may clear up between you. If the conflicts have been in other areas, only he or maybe you know what factor his sexuality has played in your relationship. If he doesn't accept his bisexuality himself, it may affect other areas of his life.

You may want to begin the conversation with him by discussing your bisexual friends and moving to a conversation about your own comfort level you would have with a bisexual lover..or maybe ask him if he would be comfortable with a bisexual lover? etc. To be comfortable with bisexual friends may be different than "accepting" his bisexuality in a relationship with you. Remember that it is not a rejection of you if he is sexually attracted to another man. He is sexually attracted to both. He may be only romantically attracted to women or both. However, if he is not comfortable with his bisexuality who knows if his confusion is causing him to withdraw and then approach you again. He may even say that it was just that one time that he had oral sex with a man as a way of denial and tryin to hide (from himself). I'm sure that you know to avoid a confrontational approach with him.

With regards to your question if a bisexual may be happy in a monogamous relationship, you will find a wide variety of answers. Some can and some can not. Some bisexuals have a "need" to have same sex experiences while others have a "desire" but can be happy without same sex experiences. For some bisexuals who believe that they can be monogamous with an opposite sex person only may find as time passes that they can not while others are quite content. I'm not sure if there is a litmus test to determine the difference. Keeping an on going open and honest dialogue with him will help as there can be an ebb and flow aspect to same sex attraction for some bisexuals.


Do a little more reflection as well about whether you might eventually be comfortable in a "closed loop" relationship where he is with you as the only female and only one other man. After a lot of thought and discussion, you may come to some rules between you and your lover as what you and he are comfortable with. Would you be comfortable being present and want to be present when he is having sex with another man? Would you prefer to know the man on a social level? Would you prefer not to know or not know when he is with this other man?

Take your time and your first reaction may or may not be the same reaction over time to some of the above questions.

[elian]

For me, I don't disclose my sexuality to just anyone because I am not very outgoing, I cherish some of my friends and family who I know are not very accepting of alternative lifestyle. For me telling them would be to risk losing people that mean so much to me. Society also attaches a lot of stigma to LGBT "lifestyle" and so there can sometimes be a sense of guilt or shame associated with it. If you can imagine trying to tell someone that love is a choice and they should not love because it is immoral or wrong you can imagine what an LGBT person goes through.

I made a choice up front that I would tell anyone I became seriously involved with that I was bisexual, but not everyone is that lucky. Some men suppress those feelings and deny them, or don't realize they are there until they are already in a committed relationship. Do they risk losing the person they loved by telling or not? Personally I think good communication is the key to a healthy, happy relationship but (for example) when you are married for years and have kids things are not always so simple.

I have heard many bisexual people say that while they can love either gender, the person they fell in love with IS the one they are committed to, some are monogamous and some have open relationships. It takes more than one person to have a relationship and different people have different needs. Like Tenni suggests the best thing to do is talk, if your bf is willing and able to talk about it. Try to use "I" language to discuss things as positively as possible without placing words in each other's mouth or blame on each other directly.

I know it's scary to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable in a relationship. I guess it's natural to wonder if there is "something you could have done differently" but I certainly wouldn't blame yourself over it - part of the reason we get into relationships is to (hopefully) help each other grow. Not every relationship we have will end in a Cinderella fairytale, but it is still vital and important work.

In the few years I have been on this planet I have learned that the universe does not waste a single drop of energy. Even if you think you are suffering, there is usually always some sort of good that ultimately comes of such situations.

[bizel]

hi sunset. the first thing that grabbed me out of what you said was, how can someone hide part of themselves in a relationship. where to start with that one? you can be with someone for years and never really know them. serial killers can be married. don't think their partners are aware of their part-time occupations. people cheat, lie, etc and partners aren't aware. mine of 11yrs didn't know he was bi, and now he is, he doesn't disclose when he has sex with a man. i find out if i ask but sometimes i don't really want to know the answer. that's another thing i warn you of. i'm into honesty, but even i know there are questions i'd love to ask him, but am not sure i can handle the answer. yes, a relationship with a bi guy can work. you need an honest answer from him as to what he needs out of a relationship first though. does he need guy sex on the side? can he be with you only? can you tolerate him having guy sex on the side? it's not just about his needs, it's also about what you can handle. mine says it's purely physical. he loves me, but needs to sometimes have guy sex on the side. they don't kiss, there's no emotional connection. purely sex. i don't claim to understand but i love him, so i deal with it. there are guys that act on their bi side while lying about it to their partner. i wouldn't wish that on anyone. how can you be happy lying?

a person's sexuality can be such a minefield. i never discussed mine with previous partners, and i expected them all to be what i imagined they were. but for all i know, they may have been into crossdressing, sex with strangers, eyeing the same sex and i wouldn't have had a clue. the reason your exbf is so private may simply be that he can't handle your judgement. we all want acceptance. talk to him and see if he'll open up. if he won't, i'd let it go cos i need honesty and communication. if he wants to open to you, take it slowly. don't react instantly to what he says, give yourself time to mull it over. i have had to learn this skill. i panicked, now i take a step back and think it over. he's still a fantastic guy whatever his sexuality. it's not like it's something he can help, it's who he is. if you can accept it, you are half-way there. it's certainly different, but then i've come to realise there are so many different relationships out there. what i thought was 'normal' ain't so normal afterall. good luck. hug, b.

[sunset75]

Thanks for your repsonses. It has given me something to think about. Well more to think about. Especially with regards to what I would and would not be willing to accept. My first instinct is to say monogamy or nothing. But one thing that I have learned in my time with him is that when you love someone you do things and accept things you never thought you would. Heck I never thought i would keep taking him back, but I do. We even talked about fmf threesome, and I was open to the idea (granted a little intimadated but more so because I was afraid I wouldn't be good enough for her:) I agree communication is key. Def a problem that we have had in the past... communicating in a clear manner without throwing in everything and the kitchen sink. My problem is how would I even start this conversation because I am not supposed to know. Well I guess I have to get him talking to me too. I have been giving him space this time during our off period.

Its sad that society is so judgemental. I really wish that people were accepting so this wouldnt be a problem (the "hiding", being hesitant to share). You shouldnt have to worry that you would lose love ones or friends because of who you love or want to be with. I am really glad I found this site, even if it doesnt help my situation with him, it is opening my eyes even more. Thanks again for sharing with me

[Bicuriousity]

Sunset i am sorry to hear this. Yes i have been the boyfriend before who didnt tell his gf he was bisexual. I think it was over fear of losing her. I had only had sex with one guy before i met her and started dating her. I knew i was bi but never had the courage to tell her until close to the end of our relationship.

Our relationship ended not because i was bi or seeing someone else, it ended because we fought over stupid things often and i knew i had to move on to find someone i was more compatible with.

We remained friends for a long time afterwards and she was one of the few people i could talk about being bisexual with.