Help, in love and hurting

[Confused4life]

Hey Everyone,

So I haven’t been around in awhile, mostly because my computer crashed and I can only access the forum at work, but also because I thought it would be easier to get over my love, if I didn’t continually talk about her. Well I think I was wrong about that, because I have not been able to get over her…. in fact, I can’t get her off my mind. As the person I am in love with is my best friend, I really have no one else to talk to about this. She is the person I would normally go to with anything. However I cannot bring myself to tell her exactly how I feel. Maybe its because I fear rejection, maybe I am just being selfish, Mostly I am scared to death that she will freak a bit and I will no longer have her in my life at all (which would break my heart)…I don’t know exactly. She does know that I am attracted to her, I don’t hide that, I just don’t know how to tell her that I fell in love with her 5 months ago.

Some of you know my story, some don’t, so I will try and keep this synopsis a quick one. This all started in November of 2005. She called me one night; late, very upset about a fight she had with her H. (Her and her H have been on the verge of the big D for about a year now. Not that it makes it any better)…. anyways, we talked, and we wound up having phone sex. Nothing like that had ever transpired between us before. It was exciting, and it brought up a lot of feelings I had never experienced before. We talked about it in the days follow, decided we couldn’t do this together, but she was willing to help me look for answers or ways to experiment with feelings that I was having. Well nothing happened again between us until the beginning of Jan. We went out one night (again after a huge fight with her H where she told him she wasn’t in love with him)….had some dinner, had lots of drinks. She asked me when we left the bar if I wanted to kiss her, that she had seen the way I had looked at her all night. Well, we wound up being together that night. During which she told me this would be the only time this could happen as she was cheating on her H. Again we talked about it, she felt guilty for looking towards me to help ease her pain, I told her that was ridiculous, I wanted it, probably more then she did. A week later she showed up late one night. Said she couldn’t get the way that I made her feel out of her head. Needless to say, I made love with her again that night. Again she felt guilty that she used me to dull her pain, me saying she shouldn’t feel that way. Since then nothing physical has happened. We continued with our friendship, just as it was before, if not stronger. I thought that I was letting how I felt about her go, however, I think I was just in denial about it. Last weekend she had a party at her house. Everyone was drinking….nothing happened between us, however she stated that it would if her H would pass out…She held my hand for like an hour out by the fire….stroking it so gently….ok stop thinking about that….ok back to the story. She has told me several times since we were together that she would wake up after dreaming about me, or she would find herself thinking about me while with her H. She called me one night a couple weeks ago (after a couple beers), and for about 2 hours told me how incredible I was and how the thought of me not in her life makes her not be able to breathe (which is how I feel about her), that I amaze her, that there are only 2 people in this world she trusts completely, her father and I, etc etc. she went on and on about stuff like that. Of course I said that I felt the same way (but I am sure I meant it differently then she did) Do you think it was just because she was a little intoxicated that she said that stuff, or do you think it is really how she feels, it just came out because she had a few beverages in her? I don’t know what to do. I love her. Do I tell her and chance losing her? Or do I love her from afar and continue being her best friend? Please help, I feel as if I am going to go crazy because I think about her a lot. I hear someone talking and they will say something that she says a lot and my heart skips a beat, or I smell her fragrance and I can’t breathe….or she calls and I hear her voice and the butterflies start flying around my stomach, not to mention when she touches me, or winks at me, or I look into her beautiful eyes and my legs can hardly hold me up…..HELP.

Thanks everyone,…..sorry about the long post, but I have so much to get out.
C4L

I raise my eyes.
The light is blinding. A vision.
Your warmth smiles upon me.
I'm alive. My heart beats.
My chest, rises and falls with each breath.
I can feel it. I'm aware.
My journey has begun.
Are you coming with me?
Will you experience this life with me?
Hold my hand, I won't let you fall

Touch me.
Lay your hands on me.
Your breath on my skin quickens my heart.
A relentless yearning, unfulfilled.
Forbidden.
A sweet ache that tortures my thoughts. Twisted in torment.
Unreciprocated

Lust
wet, molten, dripping
it flows through your mind like lava
searing the senses
it scorches all, oozing into every niche
of your consciousness
Nothing left
but the white hot burn
of Want

[jedinudist]

Could it be that your friend is trying to come to terms with the fact that she too feels attracted to someone of the same sex?

Back in the late 80's (uh-oh dating myself there), two female friends of mine who were both heterosexual (to their knowledge) were rooming together and splitting the rent. One was single, the other very recently divorced.

They went through a long process of being intimate, and then being in denial, making excuses for and then bashing themselves for having those feelings and desires. They see-sawed from having madly passionate physical intimacy to barely speaking to each other. It took both of them a while, but they did slowly work through it and declared themselves "mostly lesbian".

Your friend has the added issue of still being married and the guilt of having cheated on her husband with you. She has expressed strong feelings for you yet still feels bound in some way to the relationship or marriage she is in with her husband. She may be experiencing allot of guilt and confusion right now.

Setting aside some time for a non-sexual encounter with her and calmly talking with her about how you feel, how she feels, and how what each of you has done with each other and expressed to each other makes you feel might be helpful. It could allow her to take a breath and see this from a new perspective. Exclude alcohol from the encounter, and be honest; not just with her, but with yourself as well. You both need to be clear headed and open minded. You have a chance to help not only her, but yourself as well.

It might be that she is not sure she's ready to take the plunge and commit herself to an other than heterosexual friendship/relationship, or she is and something is holding her back. It could me allot of things. You can help her find out without pressuring her to be with you. That will go a long way towards getting an answer.

I say this allot, but I mean it every time I say it:

I hope this works out well for the both of you.

[Confused4life]

Thank you MBM,

The thing of it is is this....She accknowledges that she is bi. She got married 9 years ago, and before her marriage she had several bi experiences (before we were together, she had never cheated on her H with a man or woman). Being with her was my first bi experience. She told me after the first time that we were together that she didn't want to hurt me...I told her to let me worry about myself, that I could handle it (then I go and fall in love with her)...She stated that she loved having sex with women, but couldn't see herself in an "emotional relationship" with one. So you see why I am a little hesitant to tell her?

[Nisse]

I don´t think what she said was just because of alcohol. Alcohol makes you speak the truth (unless maybe if you´re an asshole who wants to get laid and tell a girl you love her e.t.c. But that´s hardly the case here).

I advise you to believe what she said.

Nisse.

[Chaia]

I love her. Do I tell her and chance losing her? Or do I love her from afar and continue being her best friend?

I am dealing with a similar situation in my life. It is such a vulnerable place to be. What you are doing now is clearly not working for you. If you tell her you love her, you are afraid that she will not want to be with you. But, perhaps there are other things that could happen. Maybe she would say that she loves you, too, and wants to be with you. Maybe she would say she loves you, but has to stay with her husband. Maybe she would say that she does not love you, but cares for you and is flattered by your love. Only you can decide what you are willing to live with. Do you want to know how she feels, no matter what it is? Can you continue to live in the "limbo" of not knowing? If she says that she does not love you, would that allow you to move on? If she says that she loves you, where do you want it to go from there? All difficult questions, but ones that might help you figure out what you need.

Good luck in this very difficult situation.
Chaia

[HwdBiGuy]

If you care about someone then you should share your feelings with them.
If they don't feel the same way about you then you will know and if they have feelings for you then you will have not wasted an opportunity to meet someone special.

If she and her husband are quarreling often then they need to decide if they would be better off together or apart. Sometimes I act like a jerk towards my wife and I'm lucky that she forgives me and we are still together.

Religion invented heterosexuality and imposed it on the world but you don't have to accept it.

If you want to be with someone then you need to decide how to make it work out and make it happen.

Life is way too short to not follow your heart.

[Confused4life]

If you care about someone then you should share your feelings with them.
If they don't feel the same way about you then you will know and if they have feelings for you then you will have not wasted an opportunity to meet someone special.

If she and her husband are quarreling often then they need to decide if they would be better off together or apart. Sometimes I act like a jerk towards my wife and I'm lucky that she forgives me and we are still together.

Religion invented heterosexuality and imposed it on the world but you don't have to accept it.

If you want to be with someone then you need to decide how to make it work out and make it happen.

Life is way too short to not follow your heart.

So you think I should tell her, even if there is chance she doesn't feel the same....even if telling her might make her feel guilty and cause alot of pain...I know I am probally being codependent here when I say that I don't want to hurt her....even though I am hurting right now, its not her fault that I couldnt control my feeling.....

[gina42]

c4,
i think you should always share your feelings...did you ever think thatyou both my be having the same thoughts and feelings???
i know you fear she may not feel the same but you'll never know unless you share your feelings...
i will share with you that last june i slept with a good friend,it was alittle too much partying,lol...but that is where it stoped,we are very close still to this very day and we never talk about that night but we dont regret it eaither..
if you ever see me online and need a friend to talk with plz chat me up..gina