Confused4life
May 1, 2006, 2:16 PM
Hey Everyone,
So I haven’t been around in awhile, mostly because my computer crashed and I can only access the forum at work, but also because I thought it would be easier to get over my love, if I didn’t continually talk about her. Well I think I was wrong about that, because I have not been able to get over her…. in fact, I can’t get her off my mind. As the person I am in love with is my best friend, I really have no one else to talk to about this. She is the person I would normally go to with anything. However I cannot bring myself to tell her exactly how I feel. Maybe its because I fear rejection, maybe I am just being selfish, Mostly I am scared to death that she will freak a bit and I will no longer have her in my life at all (which would break my heart)…I don’t know exactly. She does know that I am attracted to her, I don’t hide that, I just don’t know how to tell her that I fell in love with her 5 months ago.
Some of you know my story, some don’t, so I will try and keep this synopsis a quick one. This all started in November of 2005. She called me one night; late, very upset about a fight she had with her H. (Her and her H have been on the verge of the big D for about a year now. Not that it makes it any better)…. anyways, we talked, and we wound up having phone sex. Nothing like that had ever transpired between us before. It was exciting, and it brought up a lot of feelings I had never experienced before. We talked about it in the days follow, decided we couldn’t do this together, but she was willing to help me look for answers or ways to experiment with feelings that I was having. Well nothing happened again between us until the beginning of Jan. We went out one night (again after a huge fight with her H where she told him she wasn’t in love with him)….had some dinner, had lots of drinks. She asked me when we left the bar if I wanted to kiss her, that she had seen the way I had looked at her all night. Well, we wound up being together that night. During which she told me this would be the only time this could happen as she was cheating on her H. Again we talked about it, she felt guilty for looking towards me to help ease her pain, I told her that was ridiculous, I wanted it, probably more then she did. A week later she showed up late one night. Said she couldn’t get the way that I made her feel out of her head. Needless to say, I made love with her again that night. Again she felt guilty that she used me to dull her pain, me saying she shouldn’t feel that way. Since then nothing physical has happened. We continued with our friendship, just as it was before, if not stronger. I thought that I was letting how I felt about her go, however, I think I was just in denial about it. Last weekend she had a party at her house. Everyone was drinking….nothing happened between us, however she stated that it would if her H would pass out…She held my hand for like an hour out by the fire….stroking it so gently….ok stop thinking about that….ok back to the story. She has told me several times since we were together that she would wake up after dreaming about me, or she would find herself thinking about me while with her H. She called me one night a couple weeks ago (after a couple beers), and for about 2 hours told me how incredible I was and how the thought of me not in her life makes her not be able to breathe (which is how I feel about her), that I amaze her, that there are only 2 people in this world she trusts completely, her father and I, etc etc. she went on and on about stuff like that. Of course I said that I felt the same way (but I am sure I meant it differently then she did) Do you think it was just because she was a little intoxicated that she said that stuff, or do you think it is really how she feels, it just came out because she had a few beverages in her? I don’t know what to do. I love her. Do I tell her and chance losing her? Or do I love her from afar and continue being her best friend? Please help, I feel as if I am going to go crazy because I think about her a lot. I hear someone talking and they will say something that she says a lot and my heart skips a beat, or I smell her fragrance and I can’t breathe….or she calls and I hear her voice and the butterflies start flying around my stomach, not to mention when she touches me, or winks at me, or I look into her beautiful eyes and my legs can hardly hold me up…..HELP.
Thanks everyone,…..sorry about the long post, but I have so much to get out.
C4L
I raise my eyes.
The light is blinding. A vision.
Your warmth smiles upon me.
I'm alive. My heart beats.
My chest, rises and falls with each breath.
I can feel it. I'm aware.
My journey has begun.
Are you coming with me?
Will you experience this life with me?
Hold my hand, I won't let you fall
Touch me.
Lay your hands on me.
Your breath on my skin quickens my heart.
A relentless yearning, unfulfilled.
Forbidden.
A sweet ache that tortures my thoughts. Twisted in torment.
Unreciprocated
Lust
wet, molten, dripping
it flows through your mind like lava
searing the senses
it scorches all, oozing into every niche
of your consciousness
Nothing left
but the white hot burn
of Want
So I haven’t been around in awhile, mostly because my computer crashed and I can only access the forum at work, but also because I thought it would be easier to get over my love, if I didn’t continually talk about her. Well I think I was wrong about that, because I have not been able to get over her…. in fact, I can’t get her off my mind. As the person I am in love with is my best friend, I really have no one else to talk to about this. She is the person I would normally go to with anything. However I cannot bring myself to tell her exactly how I feel. Maybe its because I fear rejection, maybe I am just being selfish, Mostly I am scared to death that she will freak a bit and I will no longer have her in my life at all (which would break my heart)…I don’t know exactly. She does know that I am attracted to her, I don’t hide that, I just don’t know how to tell her that I fell in love with her 5 months ago.
Some of you know my story, some don’t, so I will try and keep this synopsis a quick one. This all started in November of 2005. She called me one night; late, very upset about a fight she had with her H. (Her and her H have been on the verge of the big D for about a year now. Not that it makes it any better)…. anyways, we talked, and we wound up having phone sex. Nothing like that had ever transpired between us before. It was exciting, and it brought up a lot of feelings I had never experienced before. We talked about it in the days follow, decided we couldn’t do this together, but she was willing to help me look for answers or ways to experiment with feelings that I was having. Well nothing happened again between us until the beginning of Jan. We went out one night (again after a huge fight with her H where she told him she wasn’t in love with him)….had some dinner, had lots of drinks. She asked me when we left the bar if I wanted to kiss her, that she had seen the way I had looked at her all night. Well, we wound up being together that night. During which she told me this would be the only time this could happen as she was cheating on her H. Again we talked about it, she felt guilty for looking towards me to help ease her pain, I told her that was ridiculous, I wanted it, probably more then she did. A week later she showed up late one night. Said she couldn’t get the way that I made her feel out of her head. Needless to say, I made love with her again that night. Again she felt guilty that she used me to dull her pain, me saying she shouldn’t feel that way. Since then nothing physical has happened. We continued with our friendship, just as it was before, if not stronger. I thought that I was letting how I felt about her go, however, I think I was just in denial about it. Last weekend she had a party at her house. Everyone was drinking….nothing happened between us, however she stated that it would if her H would pass out…She held my hand for like an hour out by the fire….stroking it so gently….ok stop thinking about that….ok back to the story. She has told me several times since we were together that she would wake up after dreaming about me, or she would find herself thinking about me while with her H. She called me one night a couple weeks ago (after a couple beers), and for about 2 hours told me how incredible I was and how the thought of me not in her life makes her not be able to breathe (which is how I feel about her), that I amaze her, that there are only 2 people in this world she trusts completely, her father and I, etc etc. she went on and on about stuff like that. Of course I said that I felt the same way (but I am sure I meant it differently then she did) Do you think it was just because she was a little intoxicated that she said that stuff, or do you think it is really how she feels, it just came out because she had a few beverages in her? I don’t know what to do. I love her. Do I tell her and chance losing her? Or do I love her from afar and continue being her best friend? Please help, I feel as if I am going to go crazy because I think about her a lot. I hear someone talking and they will say something that she says a lot and my heart skips a beat, or I smell her fragrance and I can’t breathe….or she calls and I hear her voice and the butterflies start flying around my stomach, not to mention when she touches me, or winks at me, or I look into her beautiful eyes and my legs can hardly hold me up…..HELP.
Thanks everyone,…..sorry about the long post, but I have so much to get out.
C4L
I raise my eyes.
The light is blinding. A vision.
Your warmth smiles upon me.
I'm alive. My heart beats.
My chest, rises and falls with each breath.
I can feel it. I'm aware.
My journey has begun.
Are you coming with me?
Will you experience this life with me?
Hold my hand, I won't let you fall
Touch me.
Lay your hands on me.
Your breath on my skin quickens my heart.
A relentless yearning, unfulfilled.
Forbidden.
A sweet ache that tortures my thoughts. Twisted in torment.
Unreciprocated
Lust
wet, molten, dripping
it flows through your mind like lava
searing the senses
it scorches all, oozing into every niche
of your consciousness
Nothing left
but the white hot burn
of Want