Bluntly: Confused about my sexuality.

[BemusedWanderer]

As much as the "lengthy auto-biographies" in forums seems annoying and cliche, it seems important here, so let me jump right in.

I'm 24. I was raised in a fairly right-wing religion, and all my first experiences with sex and sexuality (all of which were with women -- and/or straight porn) was filled to brimming with guilt. I've recently realized that all of my sexuality, even years after leaving for atheism, is still in that same place.

In trying to get a hold of my sexuality, and get comfortable with it, I've realized that there are some impulses and thoughts associated with men (myself being a man) that I've never really processed. I've gotten in the strong habit of repressing them before they can turn into anything or really fizzle out, so it's like there's a pent up set of stuff I just don't know what to do with.

What I know is that I see men and some of them are attractive. Saying "to me" is actually more tricky. I _think_ I get _slightly_ aroused by a men who I find really attractive (I never get to even half mast, so it's tough to say -- but sight of women never really gets me there either. Touch, fantasies, etc., are required.) To try to "explore" that, I've tried masturbatory fantasies of men, or just plain old everyday fantasies. The emotion associated with these fantasies is really, really mixed. There's some appeal to it, but also a lot of guilt, physical/emotional discomfort, fear, and a slew of other feelings that I can't quite get straight.

I've never had romantic feelings for a man, but have had crushes on girls since I can remember. I've been in relationships with women and found the sex, touch, appearance, and emotional intricacies of those relationships to be rewarding. I've fallen in love with women. When I have sexual dreams, it's of women. When I look at porn, it's of women. But I've been wondering how much of this might be because I prevent myself from, or feel a social pressure not to develop, romantic feelings toward men.

I guess another "mine field" within the entire experience is a paranoia that I will suddenly stop being attracted to women and would only be attracted to men. This would certainly throw a loop in my plans, which involve a fairly socially normal marriage, children, etc. Plus the entire "my family is right-wing religious" element. I use the term "paranoia" because even if I am attracted to men, I don't see how that would stop me from being attracted to women -- especially when it's been the standard for so long.

But it honestly scares me, and I seem to be looping in other issues as if they defined my sexuality – such as being unable to "get it up" after a long pause in a sexual encounter with a girl (she needed me to untie her, which took a while in the dark ^_^) as being somehow non-heterosexual. I was enjoying the sexual experience, and given that it was the second long pause in the encounter and I was tipsy/tired, it's fairly status quo that mechanical difficulties arose. And then, in other circumstances, I try to force myself to feel attracted, or force sexual fantasies about women, like as a "reassurance" that I'm still attracted to them -- but I know it feels forced when I do this. When I stop TRYING to force anything, I do have those fantasies and I do have that attraction, but I get really worried somehow that these will stop if I explore any further with men. (Perhaps as a side note we should mention I have an anxiety disorder.) Am I just freaking myself out? Maybe I just want to hear from someone else that this fear is just in my head.

And I've been trying to figure out why I feel the degree of attraction or appeal I do, despite feeling really uncomfortable with the idea of male-male sexuality. Part of it was that I've had this "fear" that reached back into my pre-atheist phases. I think there's this pavlovian element, where I spent so long associating male-male sexuality with a forbidden territory, and in a paranoid "oh no, might this actually appeal to me? am I aroused?" (whether I was or not) state, that fear, guilty, looking for arousal, and so on and so forth, got knotted together. Or do most people experience a lot of discomfort before having actual encounters and "getting used to it"?

There have even been times when a guy has done something semi-sexual toward me (example: a guy licked my neck at a party), and I've felt repulsed by it. But I wonder how much of this might be a psychological block or a social barrier I'm not willing to cross. And I don't have sexual fantasies of men unless I "prompt" them, while I will have sexual fantasies of women if I'm relaxed, and these do arouse me. As does touch with women, and smell.

I also don't know how much of what I'm experiencing now is different than what I've experienced before. I've had phases where I felt totally comfortable with the degree I was attracted to men, partially because I just went off the assumption that I'm "however bi I am," but that the gameplan was still women. I had a conversation with a past girlfriend where she asked me what "my type" of guy was, and I showed her a picture online. She laughed at me and said it was only because the guy looked like a woman. But even then, I called myself a 2.5 on the 1 to 7 kinsey scale, knowing that I have some degree of impulse toward men. I went so far as saying that calling me "bi with a strong preference toward women" was accurate. I think the real fear and discomfort and confusion now comes from 1) being single for the first extended time in a while and 2) realizing that, given some recent perspective changes, it's not out of the question that I will experiment.

I've long been a gay rights advocate, and have even stated somewhat seriously that it would actually make more sense to me if I were bi. And I've always been aware that I fit some of the bi/gay stereotypes (artistic, theatrical, sensitive, and so on), and in high school a lot of people thought I was gay, so it seems to "fit" there too.

But I'm really lost here. I don't really enjoy masturbatory fantasies of guys. I don't dream of guys. I guess where I'm at emotionally with guys is: if "Mr. Right" showed up and was in all other ways perfect, I would let gender stop me, even if it took some "easing into" the sexuality itself. But I'm not sure I want to pursue men, with my current perspective on the sexuality and the huge social barrier of my family to overcome. But I have to wonder how much I'm just "freaking myself out," how much I'm preventing myself from experiencing whatever urges might actually be there, and . . . yes, I think it's clear I'm confused.

Any tips? Anyone empathize? I could use some perspective from those who actually know this road.

[frikidiki]

I came up in a similar way, and had many of these thoughts myself. Your journey is not too unlike mine was. I really envy people for whom coming to terms with bisexuality was easy.

The vast majority of my attractions were to women, but occasionally, I'd meet a guy that turned me on. For a long time, I vacillated: "Am I gay or straight?" One day, however, I realized that the bisexual label seemed to fit me better. After feeling MUCH better about it all, I decided I needed to try sex with men to see if I liked it. As you may guess, I did like it--in fact, one of my first encounters still ranks as some of the best sex of my life.

But soon, I realized that I can't be in a long-term romantic relationship with another man. Also, I really do regret any meaningless sort of casual sex ("meaningless" in the sense of lacking the emotional depth a relationship would entail). If I were to try a relationship with a man, I know that, no matter how much I dislike cheating, and given how much more attracted I am to women than men, I would be looking over the fence constantly. I don't want to do that to anyone.

I can't recall everything you said, and I'm not sure if you said you've had experiences with other men, but if you haven't, you owe it to yourself to try it. Definitely do not throw out your standards, or common sense, but it does require that you risk some things. It won't completely solve all your riddles, nor will it necessarily make you go completely gay, so to speak. You may find that it's better as a fantasy, or for watching porn, than as something to actually do. This won't make you any less bisexual, or any more straight. Individual results may vary. But you gotta jump into the pool if you're gonna swim.

I can also tell you that since I've figured all this out for myself, I've attained a huge peace of mind about so many things. I also feel more like a man--not in any rugged sense, cuz I'm not all that rugged, but as a full-grown male person; and not in any fake outward put-on sense, but deep inside my soul where it counts. It truly is all good! But I'd still be confused, worrying, afraid, and all those other things, if I had not faced up to what I wanted.

Now, that's me. I'm sharing this with you in hopes that you see the similarities. Many others on this site went through, or are going through, similar things. I hope they speak up here, too, so you can learn from them as well.

[BemusedWanderer]

Thanks for your reply! I'm guessing my post's "TLDR" status persuaded others to not bother replying. Ah well. Mea culpa.

I wish that the idea of experimenting didn't make me feel so many negative emotions. Guilt and discomfort are part of it, but the biggest element I'm experiencing is fear. I've got a lot to untangle here. . . .

[Realist]

As one who knew I was deeply attracted to both genders, before I knew what sex was.....and being raised in a uber-conservative and religious home, I certainly understand guilt! My parents were masters at laying guilt on me and, although I feel like I've finally broken away from them, I know they've had a huge effect on my life.

At about 5, as a form of self-preservation, I developed a split personality; I was one person for them, then in my mind and heart, I was who I wanted to be. Maybe it was self-induced Schizophrenia!

I'm afraid no one can do for you, what needs to be done. For you to achieve peace within your own heart and soul, you're going to have to find the strength to figure out what you want and need.

It took me some time to figure myself out. I didn't do it alone, but I did finally accept my bisexuality. The guilt's all behind me, now, and I'm at peace with myself and those who know I'm bi, too.

When, and if, you find the level in life where you feel it's natural and good, you'll understand what I mean. It might help to get some professional counselling, as well.

Good luck to you and know there are those who have been there and will give you all the support we can.