Something missing

[spv1g08]

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for over three months now and as my first serious relationship it has been one blissful experience the whole way, until about three or four weeks ago when at a gay bar with a mate of mine I got off with another guy. There were a lack of rational thoughts throughout the experience, but immediately after it happening I rushed to my mate to confess what I had done and did the same to my girlfriend the following morning. After a few days of deliberation and heartfelt conversations we agreed to stay together, although things felt mildly unconfortable for a number of weeks.

Similarly thoughts associated with that bar have overshadowed my return and I have recently started going there again, however, on my return there lastnight I found myself toying between emotions and expressing feelings and emotions towards other guys who I know through the same mate as earlier mentioned. I was highly drunk on both this occassion and previous time. All my emotional ties to my girlfriend and rationalisation of actions seemed void from both scenarios.

During my time there last week I remained sober, to compare and contrast my behaviour both when under the influence and when sober. I recall no such thoughts or emotions to provoke taking action on another person, yet there was no real scenarious in which both the above were truly tested, such as somebody coming onto me.

I know for sure how much I feel for my girlfriend and it only seems from my perspective that alcohol promotes me to take action on underlying urges that I fear my relationship as it stands is not accomodating, yet the prospect of anything like an open relationship repulses me. Likewise I would hate to put my girlfriend through such an experience.

At the risk of sounding too graphic I've tried mastubating over gay porn in addition to my sex life, but it just seems, not so much unfulfilling, but as though some aspect of me is not being satisfied. Don't get me wrong my sex life with my girlfriend is great, but I feel there are underlying primal urges which need to be given attention to also and fear this may pose as a problem in later relationships.

As a bisexual I'm sure you can empathise in the knowledge that the emotions and sensations induced by relations with different genders are themselves different, not necessarily unequal, just different. As a bisexual there should be a happy medium between the two, from my perspective atleast, to complete you as a person.

Tbh this started out as just me noting down some thoughts, but if anyone has any advice about how to deal with such issues or have had similar experiences I would love to here from you.

-x-

[Realist]

For one thing, we are all different. For another thing, I don't give advice; I adhere to the rule that we're all responsible for out own actions. I will share my thoughts, though.

I feel that there are those of us who need, crave, desire, sexual interactions with both genders, because they both have something we need. Like my GF said, "You cannot give me what a woman can, nor can I give you what a guy can."

Personally, I am more inclined to be emotional and desirous of a relationship with either person, rather than a total sexual roll in the hay. Others only want immediate gratification, then "I'm outta here!"

You obviously have a desire for both genders, so you're probably going to have to come to some kind of agreement with your GF about how things will have to be, if you stay together.

I'm glad that you have chosen to be honest with her about your actions!

[tenni]

Well, you mention alcohol as being a factor in these desires. "They" say alcohol lowers our inhibitions. With lower inhibitions, this part of yourself comes out stronger for same sex attraction. It may go away if you remain sober but I suspect that the desire for same sex activity will eventually surface again and again until you accept yourself. Take some time to think things over. Stay out of that gay bar for awhile.

As far as there "should be a happy medium between the two" that may not be true for all bisexuals. Some are equally attracted to both genders. Some have an ebb and flow of being more attracted to same sex at one point and then no interest at another point. Years may pass in between the same sex attractions.

You are uncomfortable with an open relationship but there may be other options. Just what does an open relationship mean to you? For some true love with one person is enough and they see their same sex attraction as no different for the opposite sex people that they are not in a relationship with. For others, it is a "need" rather than a desire. They need same sex and opposite sex activity to be at peace with themselves. You will discover what you are most comfortable with. This may change throughout your lifetime.

"Closed Looped" relationships may be a possibility for you ..or not. It isn't what I consider an open relationship. A "Closed Looped" relationship happens when you are with your girlfriend but establish an intimate friendship with just one other man. This is not necessarily an easy thing to develop but it can be developed. Your girlfriend may become involved with him as well. Her involvement may be non sexual or sexual. In other words she actually meets him if she wants to. You may establish "rules" that your girlfriend helps establish as to what sexual activity and with whom that you become involved with. Some women want to be physically present while others do not. Some want to know what you did while others do not even want to know that you did anything or when with your "buddy".

At any rate, further discussion is needed with your girlfriend if you are going to continue a relationship with her. Take it slow and no pressure. Maybe just a discussion on how you think that you may be attracted to guys but really love her. Re asssure her of your love for her. This can be very threatening for women who are not bisexual. They may feel several thoughts such as "I'm not good enough to make you happy". They may feel rejected or abandoned. I wouldn't introduce a closed Looped concept right away. Think about it yourself for quite awhile.

Good luck and welcome to the ship...:bigrin:

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol There goes Hell freezing over again, but I wholeheartedly agree with Tenni. If booze is going to be a bad factor on throwing your inhibitions to the winds, then be careful with your intake.
Have fun, but be safe and watch what you're doing.:}
Cat