What to do

[sammie19]

What to do when you are attracted to a friend. What to do when the attraction is mutual but ridiculously stupid. What to do when you are alone together in nervous and pointless chitchat when you know all both of you want to do is get stripped off, down to it and enjoy each other. What to do when it isn't love, would never last, but is a powerful physical attraction which gnaws away at the insides. What to do when the person you do love and from whom you are separated but hope to reconcile with at some time hates that other person so much and would never speak to you again should she ever find out should you ever. What to do to stop thinking so stupidly. What to do to grow up.

[darkeyes]

I'll tell you what u do, Sam.. u don't go there.. if ur friend is as good a friend as all that u keep ur bloody knickers on and stay friends.. cos if u dont, the potential for poisoning that friendship, not to say any chance with Meg dies a death.. stay friends.. you will find it much more rewarding in the end. None of us have so many that we can risk losing even one. You know where I am, and u know where Jo is if u need to talk.. think on it like our friendship.. how the hell do u think we have been best friends all this time? Not by having a quick and short fuck or two and ending up hating each other.. :)

[DuckiesDarling]

Sammie, I gotta agree with Fran. She's poison, pretty poison but poison just the same.

[bizel]

what's the worst possible scenerio if you sleep with your friend? can you live with it? not following through on our urges and doing what's right is what shows we have matured into responsible adults and have evolved above animals who screw cos they can. sleeping with a friend usually doesn't extend the life of the friendship as well. so you have to decide what's really important to you. mindless sex or taking it a step back and making the tough decisions. personally, i can't see that momentary fulfilment of sexual desire is worth the long-term pain it will cause your separated partner and yourself when the truth surfaces, and yes, it will surface. secrets rarely remain secrets. you can justify it any way you want, being separated. but if you are genuine at working issues out with your partner, you have to prove it.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Dont sugar coat it Fran-tart...tell em how it is! lol
And Sammie, lust is a very good thing, but sometimes just not the very Best thing. And its even worse if somewhere down the line emotions were brought into the mix. And sometimes lust can be easier than love, believe me. lol
I had a friend/lover that I Treasured. Play was Wonderful with this man, until I did a stupid and off handedly said in departing one day, "Be safe goin home. Love ya, my friend"
OMG, you would have thought I had declared Love-Love for the man and he freaked out, and it ended a 9 year friendship.

Like Fran said, Hon. Even tho you have lustful thoughts towards this lady, dont ruin your chances at something good with your Love. Its simply not worth the fling.
Cat

[sammie19]

Trust u 2 be so blunt, Auntie Flan.:( A little gentler would have been nice.:) You havent said anything I havent said to myself a million times. None of you have and I thank you all for the advice even if I don't know where I am going. Lets call it lust, for that is what it is all said and done. There is friendship but there is more and it is all to do with animal desire. It was there even when I still lived with Meggie, but wasnt the reason we split up. At least not the principle reason. I think emotionally I am too much the child yet and am not quite as mature as I thought myself to be a year or so ago. I have to work it out for myself.

[DuckiesDarling]

Trust u 2 be so blunt, Auntie Flan.:( A little gentler would have been nice.:) You havent said anything I havent said to myself a million times. None of you have and I thank you all for the advice even if I don't know where I am going. Lets call it lust, for that is what it is all said and done. There is friendship but there is more and it is all to do with animal desire. It was there even when I still lived with Meggie, but wasnt the reason we split up. At least not the principle reason. I think emotionally I am too much the child yet and am not quite as mature as I thought myself to be a year or so ago. I have to work it out for myself.

Sammi, honey, the fact you realize you still have a bit of maturing to do shows that you are taking one giant step forward into doing so. There is an old saying that maturity only comes from experience and experience comes from living. So live and live well but know that every day we make choices that affect the rest of our life and the lives of the people we know and love.

[Annika L]

Reality Check: if she's a true friend, as you seem to consider her, then the two of you should be able to talk, put it out there, admit that it amounts to petty lust, and decide together as friends that for the sake of friendship (and certainly for the sake of your relationship with your partner), you'll simply not act on this interest. If she's a true friend, that can be done, and your friendship will endure and even grow stronger. On the other hand, if she's in fact full of shit, then when you suggest committing to mutual non-action, she may try to play games with you, string you along telling you it is in fact love, attempting to ply you, at least for as long as you amuse her; and/or (eventually) withdraw herself from you, and tell you in action or by inaction to bugger off. And that's how you'll know the difference...whether it is real friendship, or never was friendship at all.

How to grow up? That's the one thing you can't *not* do, regardless of how you proceed. With each new experience, we just do.

Go easy on yourself and on your heart. And best wishes that you pull through this intact. *hugs*

[darkeyes]

Dont sugar coat it Fran-tart...tell em how it is! lol
And Sammie, lust is a very good thing, but sometimes just not the very Best thing. And its even worse if somewhere down the line emotions were brought into the mix. And sometimes lust can be easier than love, believe me. lol
I had a friend/lover that I Treasured. Play was Wonderful with this man, until I did a stupid and off handedly said in departing one day, "Be safe goin home. Love ya, my friend"
OMG, you would have thought I had declared Love-Love for the man and he freaked out, and it ended a 9 year friendship.

Like Fran said, Hon. Even tho you have lustful thoughts towards this lady, dont ruin your chances at something good with your Love. Its simply not worth the fling.
Cat

Cat.. Sam is me m8.. more to the point she is me best m8's favourite little cousin and Jo is immensely protective of her.. and I'll move heaven and earth to make her see sense on this.. I don't want her making mistakes which I made meself and endanger what she wants out of life. I have seen too many instances of m8s falling in and out of bed with each other and ending up not only hating each other but also creating divisons among their mutual friends as they take sides and leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.. and they do.. of course often such things can begin, happen and end amicably, but this isn't such a relationship.. I view it with some foreboding and we have discussed it previously and still she toys with an idea knowing what it will mean for her if she proceeds. So, no.. sugar coating the pill wouldnt help.. it has been sugar coated now its time for a little more bitter pill to try and bang this daftness out of her head once and for all..

Thing is Cat.. she is in danger of making mistakes similar to my own in the dim and distant past.. and I dont want her or anyone else creating messes like I did out of an inate selfishness, self centred vanity and love of self.. the pedestal of Queen Frances.. the day does come when we are cut down to size and suffer the agonies which go along with that pruning.. thats not for Sam, not if I can help it.. she is not as self centered as I was, probably even am still.. much too nice to be put through the wringer she is headed for should she act so unwisely..

[sammie19]

Reality Check: if she's a true friend, as you seem to consider her, then the two of you should be able to talk, put it out there, admit that it amounts to petty lust, and decide together as friends that for the sake of friendship (and certainly for the sake of your relationship with your partner), you'll simply not act on this interest. If she's a true friend, that can be done, and your friendship will endure and even grow stronger. On the other hand, if she's in fact full of shit, then when you suggest committing to mutual non-action, she may try to play games with you, string you along telling you it is in fact love, attempting to ply you, at least for as long as you amuse her; and/or (eventually) withdraw herself from you, and tell you in action or by inaction to bugger off. And that's how you'll know the difference...whether it is real friendship, or never was friendship at all.

How to grow up? That's the one thing you can't *not* do, regardless of how you proceed. With each new experience, we just do.

Go easy on yourself and on your heart. And best wishes that you pull through this intact. *hugs*

I wouldn't say it is petty lust. It is more on the level of grievous bodily harm allied to mental cruelty. It is strange how our animal instinct draw us to the things our minds tell us we shouldn't. It does however and we have to deal with those temptations. Annika, I am trying to do that in the best way I can. Good sense and logic tells me one thing and my body and mind tell me something quite the opposite. Its a conflict I have to resolve and am trying to without making too much of a fool of myself.

Much of what you say makes sense and is a take on things which I hadn't considered. Except for one thing, love, which doesn't enter the equation, I can see just such a thing occuring. I know everything everyone says makes sense, but why do I still get drawn in and think of it and want it so much? I can only put it down to my own immaturity and primitive base desires we all have becoming (almost) overwhelming. I am dealing with things. I am trying not to make a fool of myself in the process and not do what every bit of common sense I possess tells me I should avoid.

[sammie19]

Cat.. Sam is me m8.. more to the point she is me best m8's favourite little cousin and Jo is immensely protective of her.. and I'll move heaven and earth to make her see sense on this.. I don't want her making mistakes which I made meself and endanger what she wants out of life. I have seen too many instances of m8s falling in and out of bed with each other and ending up not only hating each other but also creating divisons among their mutual friends as they take sides and leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.. and they do.. of course often such things can begin, happen and end amicably, but this isn't such a relationship.. I view it with some foreboding and we have discussed it previously and still she toys with an idea knowing what it will mean for her if she proceeds. So, no.. sugar coating the pill wouldnt help.. it has been sugar coated now its time for a little more bitter pill to try and bang this daftness out of her head once and for all..

Thing is Cat.. she is in danger of making mistakes similar to my own in the dim and distant past.. and I dont want her or anyone else creating messes like I did out of an inate selfishness, self centred vanity and love of self.. the pedestal of Queen Frances.. the day does come when we are cut down to size and suffer the agonies which go along with that pruning.. thats not for Sam, not if I can help it.. she is not as self centered as I was, probably even am still.. much too nice to be put through the wringer she is headed for should she act so unwisely..

Queen Sam doesn't exist Fran. I don't have your supreme sense of yourself. I don't say that to be nasty, because I don't mean it nastily. I simply don't have your self confidence and belief in yourself and have never been able to draw the world to me like you. I can't hold court, and to be honest do not wish to. I am different from you in that being the centre of attraction doesn't appeal (and that does sound nasty, but it is something you are a little too fond of) and for the life of me do not see parallels in our life in any way.

I do appreciate what you say as always and know that like everyone else who has responded you are right. But I don't need hectored which you must admit you can do on occasion although very often you don't see it that way. Whatever happens, once I have scraped away the more opinionated aspects of your advice, you will have played your part like everyboby else in either helping me keep myself to myself, or will have failed in preventing me from making the bloody little fool of myself I referred to in my reply to Annika.

I value everyones advice thank you all. Even Super Gob's, and believe it or not especially hers, but now I just want to move on and take my life one day at a time.

[Realist]

Well, my experience doesn't bear up, with the "being intimate with friends is a bad idea", theme..

First of all, this is ME and what I'm going to say is only MY experience.

In my past, I have had three incidences of intimate relationships with friends. We discussed a feeling that we had for each other, that was not emotional, or romantic, but we were attracted to each other physically. I initiated two and another was presented to me.

There were others I felt attracted to, but didn't react with, because we thought that maybe being sexual would not be conducive to a healthy relationship....for one reason, or another. But, with these three, it worked.

In fact, I am still in contact with one friend. She and I were in a "thing" for about 20 years.

Another one was with a guy, with whom I shared intimacies for about 10 years....same situation.

The 3rd one, I have to admit, became a little sticky towards the end. We'd promised we'd never want to be more than platonic, but during those 7 years, we became enamored with each other. Times and situations were not conducive for love to flourish, so we ended it amicably.

In all of these cases, communication, statement of intend, and agreements to continue....or decisions made NOT to continue, were made beforehand. Sounds kinda business-like, I know, but it worked in two out of three times.

[sammie19]

In all of these cases, communication, statement of intend, and agreements to continue....or decisions made NOT to continue, were made beforehand. Sounds kinda business-like, I know, but it worked in two out of three times.

Its that third time which scares me.:( But thank you for that.:)

[darkeyes]

Queen Sam doesn't exist Fran. I don't have your supreme sense of yourself. I don't say that to be nasty, because I don't mean it nastily. I simply don't have your self confidence and belief in yourself and have never been able to draw the world to me like you. I can't hold court, and to be honest do not wish to. I am different from you in that being the centre of attraction doesn't appeal (and that does sound nasty, but it is something you are a little too fond of) and for the life of me do not see parallels in our life in any way.

I do appreciate what you say as always and know that like everyone else who has responded you are right. But I don't need hectored which you must admit you can do on occasion although very often you don't see it that way. Whatever happens, once I have scraped away the more opinionated aspects of your advice, you will have played your part like everyboby else in either helping me keep myself to myself, or will have failed in preventing me from making the bloody little fool of myself I referred to in my reply to Annika.

I value everyones advice thank you all. Even Super Gob's, and believe it or not especially hers, but now I just want to move on and take my life one day at a time.

Maybe not a Queen Sam.. but assuredly a Princess.. soft, nice, kind hearted but no pushover.. I didnt mean to sound hectoring as you put it.. God.. thats the last thing I want to sound.. but I'll make this me last words on the subject till such times as u ask.. u are more similar to me than u think.. the parallel isn't exact, but it exist's all the same.. when I was about ur age I acted rashly, selfishly and hurt people. I can still do that to some extent even now.. you at least have had the honesty to be up front about it and that is a good thing.. I was much more sneaky in the mistaken belief that what the "eyes dont see..". But pain is pain.. honest up front pain can be every bit as bad as that which is done in the sneakiest way.. you know from deep inside what you should do.. or rather shouldn't.. its sometimes only when we see the carnage around us we truly realise the magnitude of what we have done... I suggest you grit your teeth and deny that which u want.. it isnt always good for u and in this instance.. u know it cos u've said so..

I didn't mean our lives are parallels.. I merely wished to say.. in this I see a parallel which is so obvious to me having lived it, that being as fond of u as I am, it is not for u, babe.. and u would hate urself for it.. and u know that too.. carnage isnt for u, Sam, thats for old time served slags like me...:)

[Realist]

Its that third time which scares me.:( But thank you for that.:)

Luckily, the 3rd time ended better than one might expect, but a little sad. We both realized that we'd gotten in too deeply, at about the same time. The relationship was impossible, for reasons similar to yours. So, before we got in deeper, we quit.

[sammie19]

"Old time served slag". I will rest assured remember that too.:bigrin: Much luv.:)

[sammie19]

I really should keep my face shut at times. Fran mentioned my cousin and she got wind of my conundrum and has given me a good talking to about this whole sorry business. We fell out. We have never fallen out not ever. She has been my friend, my protector, my counsellor and my conscience ever since I was very little and the one in the world I least wish to fall out with. I owe her so much.

Was it her or me who got so hot wired that we twisted about everything each other said? I don't know except to say that I kind of feel bereft with a great whole chunk having been taken out of my heart and stomache. I said things I didn't mean and they were not nice. Why do we hit out at people we love at such times?

Ty Fran and Kate for trying to mediate and it will sort itself out (I hope) but I think we had best leave it a while until our words are a little less fresh. In the meantime I have backed right off from "she", because if this is what just wanting does, what would doing do? It was impossible anyway.

[Hephaestion]

You and I can share the silence
finding comfort together the way old friends do
and after fights and words of violence
we make up with each other the way old friends do

Time of pain and times of sorrow
we will always see it through
I don't care what comes tomorrow
we can face it together - the way old friends do

ABBA

Bloody fiesty women - love 'em.

[CuddlyKate]

Ring her, dumb clux. It will be fine. I promise.