I need all the help I can get... This is a long read.

[Xy_Lady]

Five years ago, I got locked into a deep depression... throwing myself from relationship to relationship, causing havoc by moving in with the next man I would date... and they were always the worst picks ever... they all were desperately insecure. So this last man I dated I thought I would marry... it was working out so great up until one day when petty fighting was routine for us.... it went from once a month to once a week to once a day.

This year something snapped in my brain, almost like the old me came back and said "Girl! look at you! this is not you! You know what you want... go get it before I kick you a$$!" So... I started eating healthier and better, started working out. Encouraged my ex to do it with me. He was sort of serious about it but ate horrible whenever he wasn't around me. I felt that I needed someone to inspire me.. so I started talking to my friend more... for this story, we will just say her name is Jill (Yes, things really are so messy I will need to use fake names). I met "Jill" through (yet another phony name) Morgan. I have known morgan for 18 years.. thats practically my whole life but met Jill a year ago. So I started talking to Jill more and more, and realizing I had developed feelings for her. Shes just the kind of happy fun loving spirit everyone loves! Shes beautiful... so amazing. One day, she confided in me and told me that she was gay, and was actually in a relationship with a girl and they were fighting about silly petty shit... and I felt hopeful yet setback at the same time. I mean I didnt really have a right seeing how I was dating a man... So I calmed her down and told her to look at her gfs perspective and helped her smooth out the bumps... then sorta felt bad for being good in helping her out. So the weekend goes by and I barely hear from her or talk to her... so I felt a bit upset and jealous... so I decided to tell her how I felt in a email... she replied monday morning telling me she felt the same way about me. After I found that out... things with the boyfriend crumbled.... I couldn't stand to even hug him. I felt guilt struckened by my feelings and didn't know what to do... so I kept my distance. Three days after I found out Jill had feelings for me, I broke up with my boyfriend. Since I was living with him, Jill offered me a space out by where she lives for me to stay while I get my feet on the ground. (She lived 8 hours away) So this was a big move.
So I come out here... and just feel fireworks just looking into her eyes... she acts as though she feels the same way... she takes me out for a beer and we just sit at the bar talking and glancing at each other, We both want to kiss but.. shes got a gf... and I dont want to be the other woman. Two days later she comes over for a drink... and were drinking, glancing, and we keep telling each other how curious we are to kiss.... she puts her face up to mine and just as I am getting ready to kiss her she pulls away... and says she has to go home and goes home. That weekend (which was last weekend) I go with her and morgan to their hockey tournament.. where every alone chance we get were just looking into each others eyes and this is so intense! When we weren't alone we would text each other back and forth "Hey, whats on your mind right now" and it would be a whole bunch of sweet nothings.... saturday night I got a bit of false hope when she said "Im thinking about us but dont want to get your hopes up"... but it got my hopes up just to have them crash the next day when she texted me she doesnt want to break up with her gf. So then I am left feeling so sad and mopey... I just dont know what to do with myself... so I decide to somewhat shut her out and stop talking to her and texting to her... reaching out to my friend back home. (i seek out alot of support from my friends) so last night.... I got invited to Morgans house cuz she was here with another one of our friends... I say yes. So when Jill finds out I am going over to Morgans she calls morgan saying she really wants ice cream (cuz shes sick) and so we go pick her up ice cream and morgan goes inside to drop it off while I stay in the car... next thing I see Jill is getting in the car with us to go over to morgans.. where I get to hear all the stuff she is talking about with her girlfriend and some other guy that wants her bad.... while she keeps glancing at me... this is horrible... how can you love someone so much and hate them too.. I feel like this has ruined our friendship and this is just unbelievable. I would love to enjoy a relationship with a woman but everytime I try theres always these petty games.
Its not that Im ugly, or not fun to be around or anything like that.. I just think it might be materialistic of her what shes doing....

P.S. Added note... Morgan and Jill used to date... and Morgan is still in love with her. I think Jill loves the chase... but I dont like chasing.... :(

[Diva667]

First off you are young and attractive, there is no need to go chasing after anyone (be they male or female) who doesn't appreciate that.

I think I would tell you to steer clear of this woman, she seems to be invested in some drama. Which , while it might be fun for a short term, is going to get old in a hurry. That and she is involved with someone, who presumably has no idea. It is bound to come to light at some point that she is 'playing' around.

I think your best option is to let her go, and seek someone who is unattached, or find someone who wont be the center of drama for a short term relationship.

[Xy_Lady]

Very true.... this is how I feel its just hard letting go of feelings. I think im going to try and go to a club downtown geared towards lesbians to see what I can come up with.

[void()]

I agree with Diva. You don't need to chase, if it won't come, something wrong in it's noggin. Good luck at the club and over all. :)

[NotLostJustWandering]

Ditto, ditto, ditto. This is classic, the roller coaster of having fallen for someone with a partner they can't decide on leaving or not. It just sucks, and odds are you'll never get her anyway. After the dust has settled you will see you were just a foil for her lover. She sounds eager to pull anyone willing into her drama, even an ex. I'm sure there are good reasons you are attracted to her -- trouble people often possess great charisma -- but you need to extricate yourself from this dynamic. Be careful not to replace her too quickly with another person -- this is the kind of game she is playing. You need to find some equilibrium and sufficiency within yourself.

Of course your newfound attraction to women is adding more fuel to the fire. It's very exciting and scary. Your need for support in this self-discovery has played into the fatal attraction; this woman has crossed your path at a very vulnerable point. Seek out bi/lesbian community and try not to jump into the first possibility of a relationship that presents itself. Until you find some self-sufficiency you are likely to attract another woman like this one.

I know everything is burning at full throttle, but try to slow down and smell the flowers. As consuming as this drama may be, it is not the sum total of your life. I think some quiet time alone in nature might help you rediscover yourself.

Best wishes.

[fpb09]

DON;T FOR A SECOND THINK UR NOT ATRACIVE ,U R! There r lot of men & women who would love to have u as a partner in life, don't sell urself chep! Just be patent or try to. Excuse my bad spelling lol!

[sammie19]

I think she is messing up your head quite deliberately. Time to find someone who will help you stay together as a person not screw up your mind.

[Xy_Lady]

Ditto, ditto, ditto. This is classic, the roller coaster of having fallen for someone with a partner they can't decide on leaving or not. It just sucks, and odds are you'll never get her anyway. After the dust has settled you will see you were just a foil for her lover. She sounds eager to pull anyone willing into her drama, even an ex. I'm sure there are good reasons you are attracted to her -- trouble people often possess great charisma -- but you need to extricate yourself from this dynamic. Be careful not to replace her too quickly with another person -- this is the kind of game she is playing. You need to find some equilibrium and sufficiency within yourself.

Of course your newfound attraction to women is adding more fuel to the fire. It's very exciting and scary. Your need for support in this self-discovery has played into the fatal attraction; this woman has crossed your path at a very vulnerable point. Seek out bi/lesbian community and try not to jump into the first possibility of a relationship that presents itself. Until you find some self-sufficiency you are likely to attract another woman like this one.

I know everything is burning at full throttle, but try to slow down and smell the flowers. As consuming as this drama may be, it is not the sum total of your life. I think some quiet time alone in nature might help you rediscover yourself.

Best wishes.


Best post! Ahh! thank you soo much :D

[Plumhead2]

I agree with what everyone else says. I would add one more thing. You need to find out why you are attracted to people who are wrong for you. You are beautiful, you are obviously intelligent, and you are a vibrant person. There is something about bad people that attracts you. I would suggest doing some counseling (with a gay sensitive counselor) to discover things about yourself that will allow you to find and make better choices. You deserve to have a better love life. Good luck.

[_Joe_]

Id throw in find a place of your own to live. Being dependant on a place to sleep that isn't your own on the subconscious level fucks with you.

[Xy_Lady]

I agree with what everyone else says. I would add one more thing. You need to find out why you are attracted to people who are wrong for you. You are beautiful, you are obviously intelligent, and you are a vibrant person. There is something about bad people that attracts you. I would suggest doing some counseling (with a gay sensitive counselor) to discover things about yourself that will allow you to find and make better choices. You deserve to have a better love life. Good luck.

Thank you, I totally agree

[Xy_Lady]

Id throw in find a place of your own to live. Being dependant on a place to sleep that isn't your own on the subconscious level fucks with you.

yes it does, i got a little taste of that today. Ihave to land a job here first though