Hey, everyone. First post and a problem.

[MikeyAndSam]

Hey everyone, this is Mike. If you look at the signature and handle for the account, you can tell it's a couple account. It's me, Mike, posting this alone right now, though. I found the site looking for a bisexual forum with Sam, mainly because we wanted a place to share our own stories, questions, and issues as well as listen to others and try to help them. For this thread, though, I've got an issue I need someone to help me address;

Sam and I have been together for four years now (unmarried as per Pennsylvania's "laws"). We've shared a home for three. Now, we're not a couple pressed for time, as our jobs are flexible with when we need and needn't be there. Our sex life is very active and we try new things almost every day, we're very open minded. My issue is, however, I think I've got an orgasm problem. It's like the opposite of ED. Once I get to the "plateau" phase of an orgasm, it won't happen. I've gone for hours and hours on end by myself as well as with Sam, doing things that usually make me pop in minutes; no luck. I don't know if it's from my new exercise regimen (training for the Air Force), if it's some kind of boredom (doubt it, but possible), or if I'm just going through something inside.

I'm not posting this for me as much as it's for Sam. We've been active since the seventh month of our relationship, and the only thing holding our marriage back is Penn. state laws and the fact that we've not enough money to relocate. It kills me inside every time to see that "what've I done wrong" face he has after sex where I can't cum. I've heard him crying through the door a few times when he believes he's alone in the bathroom. I would be too. It's hurting me to see him hurting so much, and if it continues I don't know where our relationship will go. The feelings I've given him are carrying over to his non-sex life as well; he's made subconscious reference to not being able to please me (in more ways than one) several times in his journal, and in normal conversation.

If someone can help me out, or at least give me some way to break it to him without wrecking his libido any further, please; I'm open to suggestions.

~! Mikey H.

[DuckiesDarling]

Welcome, Mike.

Have you seen a doctor? Could be a number of things. Anejactulation can happen totally, or partially. Some men never cum during intercourse but do orgasm. They can masturbate and ejaculate.

Something simple you can try is the use of a vibrator. Place it under the head of the penis
The vibrator is placed beneath the penis. The penis is placed upon the vibrating head such that the undersurface of the penis (glans and distal shaft) is stimulated. Once you are comfortable with the vibratory sensation, press the tip of the penis (glans) upon the vibrator such that you feel the maximum amount of stimulation. Keeping the vibrator in place, close your eyes and fantasize sexually. Stimulation is continued till ejaculation occurs

They say it can help up to 60% of guys, but do check with a doctor and find out if it's anything that requires treatment other than time.

I know my partner has difficulty cumming during intercourse but we can normally finish with masturbation or fellatio afterwards. He has some damaged nerves in his back that is his problem.


Good luck.

[bizel]

hi mikey, lovely to hear from you. so sorry you are experiencing this. i'm no expert, but my first reaction is see a doctor and make sure it isn't medical. then maybe talk with a counsellor to see if it is some kind of subconscious issue that's blocking you. since you used to 'pop', it's obviously some change either physically or mentally so i would head in that direction. reassure your partner that he shouldn't take it personally. your love for him hasn't changed, just something is not on track and needs investigating. since your partner is suffering and that's adding strain to you tell him while you are sorting it out, you'd love to focus on him for the moment. i find the harder i try sometimes, the further away it gets. ask him if he's willing to do that for you as it will help take the pressure off you. it's obviously brought up some issues for him as well since he's having such a deep reaction to it. others here will offer other suggestions i'm sure, some may even have experienced something similar. be gentle with each other. and let us know how it works out. you may be able to help others along your journey. hug, b.

[MikeyAndSam]

I'm back. I've been thinking, and, could it be stress or being nervous? I'm going to an Air Force training camp in two weeks and I want to be accepted this time, so, is it possible it could be that? I'd love to talk to Sam about it, but, as I said before, I don't want to hurt him by having it come out as if I'm criticizing him.

EDIT: Now that it's been brought up, yes. It does happen during solo masturbation. he problem is, it's infrequent. One day, I'll be fine, another day, it's a staining two or three hours until I cum. Also, I've had several groin and lower back injuries because of martial arts, but it's never done anything like this before. besides, my last severe injury to those regions was over two years ago, thi has been happening over the past month or so.

~!

[DuckiesDarling]

It most certainly could be stress. But just reassure your partner that is nothing Sam has done. That you still love and care and want nothing more than to cum for him, your body is just saying no for some reason right now. Try to relax, both of you need to do that. When something like this happens it tends to dominate the thoughts at a time when you should be thinking of nothing more than exploding.

It's like that old saying, wanna have a baby...stop trying.

Good luck.

[elian]

Check with medical if you can just to make sure it's not a physical problem but going into basic training IS a stressful situation, for both of you. I read your other post about your family's conservative nature. Personally it has taken me a long time to get over feelings of guilt about wanting to be with a man and I'm still not sure I'm "100%" over it but I do have a loving bf who helps.

Recognize and acknowledge the stress in your life, and hopefully you can reassure each other of your love. I think communication is critical, as long as you can speak out of love and respect, frame it in a way that does not put words into the other person's mouth.

If you are saying that you previously have been able to ejaculate like crazy every day that in itself is impressive, I find that the more sex I have, the less libido/desire I have.

Well, that and nervousness does seem to play a part in performance. For some people romance is a big component of sexual release; if I am either too eager to please the other, or "not in the moment" things may not happen. I guess it's natural to worry about it to some degree but if the love matters more to you then the sex it is nothing to be ashamed of.

[Long Duck Dong]

I'm back. I've been thinking, and, could it be stress or being nervous? I'm going to an Air Force training camp in two weeks and I want to be accepted this time, so, is it possible it could be that? I'd love to talk to Sam about it, but, as I said before, I don't want to hurt him by having it come out as if I'm criticizing him.

EDIT: Now that it's been brought up, yes. It does happen during solo masturbation. he problem is, it's infrequent. One day, I'll be fine, another day, it's a staining two or three hours until I cum. Also, I've had several groin and lower back injuries because of martial arts, but it's never done anything like this before. besides, my last severe injury to those regions was over two years ago, thi has been happening over the past month or so.

~!

I have the same issue... and yeah a lot of my issue is due to lower back / groin injury and nerve damage when I was 16..... as I get older, it is getting worse....... its due to shifts in the pressure in the back on the nerves as the lower back muscles are so damaged, they are no longer able to support the spine and keep the back fully aligned

you can function fully and normally, but the pressure can make ejaculation different at times as its pressure against the nerves and it dulls sensation and causes other issues.......

there are a few things you can try that can help when you talk to a urologist.....
one is prostrate massage and manipulation, and when you do cum, see if your back tightens or tenses up a lot......and keep a record of how your back feels before sexual intercourse, masturbation

second, spent a couple of weeks limiting sexual contact and masturbation.... I do not mean stop it all together, but have it about every 3 days..... you are looking for any changes....

3 don't drink alcohol before sex or masturbation... if you have a back injury issue. it will make it worse cos it dulls the reaction even more.....

the better informed you can be when you talk with a urologist, the better they can help you.......

[void()]

Loving boyfriend that helps, here. You may consider it probably being stress. Another issue however, which I've had to deal with is Kallmann's Syndrome (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kallmann_syndrome). Not saying you suffer from it. Merely one possibility out there.

A condition from the KS is having trouble with orgasm. The trouble being, you don't, at least not in the normal sense. You might sometimes tinkle a bit, in which case you can party. Other times you get nothing. But don't let it stop the enjoyment.

KS guys have sperm count levels in the basement if they're fortunate. Some benefits are less chance of heart disease, slow aging, more resistance to fatigue and 'toxins'. In a way we are kind of like the Marvel comics hero 'Wolverine'.

Thirty eight here and if there was no smoke on top, would still appear as twelve to fifteen. But I am feeling the age physically, hard run of living so far. That and I am not really the most optimistic of people, more practical. I took two years of testosterone injections once a month.

It helped a bit. Got too expensive and I stopped taking it. Might have turned into the Hulk if treatment continued. Oh well, happy being just me. :)

[bigbadmax]

HI,

Everyone seems to be pointing at a medical issue- I would firstly advise against this until after usaf med board as they will obtain med hist from your gp/md.

My med point of view is that you are trying too hard. Relax and let nature take its course and remember Dadt.

Keep smiling.

BBM

[mikey3000]

Have you started any new medications? I know some antidepressants can cause this. But firstly, please express to your partner that is nothing of his doing. let him know you still madly love him, and you will get through it.

Best of luck Guys!!!

[NotLostJustWandering]

Big amen to the "trying too hard." This always fucks up sex. You guys must, first and foremost, stop making a problem out of the "problem". Put orgasm in perspective. Is it really the be-all of sex? (Not going to ask if it's the end-all; just think for a minute about why you would rush to the end, anyway!)

May I suggest taking up tantra. I'm not going to say much on the subject because I am a rank novice and my knowledge of this subject is the tip of the iceberg. But I can share this much, which I think you may find helpful: in tantra orgasm is typically put off or even avoided. Orgasm as seen as an expenditure of energy which if not done consciously (ie; we all need tantric training) is unhealthy for the body.

The little I have read on the subject and the few experiences I have had with a tantrika have left me quite convinced that there is a great body of knowledge about sex which the vast majority of us are utterly ignorant of, and that to them the sex we have is like the blind gropings of baby animals.

Definitely worth exploring before throwing yourself into the hands of Western medicine.

[dafydd]

Hi Mikey,
Does it bother both you and Sam in equal measure? Do you enjoy sex any less, or is it important for Sam to see some kind of 'proof' that he's doing a good job?
Ejaculation doesn't have to be the climax of sexual intimacy. Especially if you're running late for work. I can understand you're frustration but maybe take a look at it from a different angle.
Is the problem that you can't cum or that you're not turned on enough?
I'm sure it's the former, which has nothing to do with the later. Remind Sam of this.
Thanks for posting
FYI morning sex is likelier to improve your chances of shooting. something to do with prostate pressure or some such...

d

[zwitterakkord]

Remember -- the most important sexual organ is the brain. If your mind is preoccupied then not only do the dendrites not fire -- other things don't fire. Basic training is stressful and now you are worrying keeping it from Sam. Speaking from experience, the thing you determine NOT to worry about is the thing that occupies your mind. Men go through periods like this for all kinds of reasons. I am no expert but it sounds temporal. If in a couple of months you're still suffering -- see a doc.

In the meantime -- honesty is always the best policy. Tell Sam. Tell him it isn't him -- that you think it is stress and other issues. If he has always pleased you in the past then, likely, he will again. Seriously -- worry is the biggest factor for decreased libido. Guys put all of that whole performance anxiety thing on ourselves. Knock it off! Be honest with him and give it time. When you're on the other side of the stress, if it doesn't get better THEN see a doc.