how do you have 'just sex'?

[bizel]

hi family, things have been a little strange here recently so have kinda shut myself away in a shell.

many many thanks to ldd. it sounds as if hubby has come to some realization, and now wants 'us' more than ever. he's still feeling the urge for a guy side, but won't act on it unless i know about it. am taking that very, very slowly. been awfully ouchy recently (like you all couldn't tell - lol). anyway, he said something i thought was really interesting. he said he did not kiss the man. it was purely physical, just sex. i started to think of how we made love. we kiss passionately, bite, lick, suck, rub, etc. it's a full-on body, emotional, almost spiritual experience. i guess that's why it hurt so much when i thought he was doing that with someone else. but apparently it's not like. i suppose this is making me look like a real novice, cos i have never slept around casually. so, here's my question. how do you just have sex with someone, without kissing, biting, licking, full-on body experience? do you just meet, rub erogenous zones, undress, have oral (?), have intercourse, pant with exhaustion, redress, have a drink and go home? is it just that simple, that coldly casual? or is that where 'casual sex' came from? it seems so clinical, so one dimensional. have tried looking up gay videos to see what men do, and they kiss and get intimate. how do you get intimate with someone without being intimate? does that sound strange? does anyone know what i mean?

[Long Duck Dong]

lol glad i could help......

you can have passionate sex with a stranger, or cold clinical * suck, fuck and run * sex....... but my knowledge in the area is not that great so others will be able to share more about it......

I have heard people talk about having the best sex of their lives with a one night fling.... and wish there was the chance for a relationship cos the sex was so good..... and other people talk about mediocre sex, but a awesome relationship......

there are people that are not interested in any emotional contact, just relief and gone, and that is more commonly known as the * suck fuck and run * in NZ, and over here its the toliet cruising, glory hole, gay cruise bars etc that are most known for it......

a casual encounter / hook up can be more ... it can be a few hours together, sexual or non sexual.... and for some a regular meeting that becomes a friend with benefits.....and that can be more intimate and passionate for some people

the one nighters / over nighters..... either you are too tired, drunk or just plain * fucked * so you stay the night .......

but yeah... my experience is limited, and I live a different lifestyle to many, so there will be differing answers.... lol......

[darkeyes]

Have often heard gay guys more especially bi guys say they dont kiss on casual encounters.. its not something I understand particularly cos when having one night stands I have always thrown my body and soul into it. Without the whole experience it is pointless to me.. of course in a casual encounter not every possible act and experience will occur but how is it that one of the most instinctive and intimate acts is left out?? The kiss.. I have no idea! But it does seem to be a peculiarly man thing that no lip contact takes place.

Yet, in casual sex with women, it is most often their very first act..long before ever getting to a place where the sexual experience will expand, be consumated and become whole.. there is no holding back. It is like a trailer for a film.. an enticement to better things .. and once enticed.... man likes his money's worth.

But for some women is it so different? Some women, when having a casual encounter with guys do not kiss either.. prostitutes often do not kiss their clients for instance, and at least one of my friends and several other women I have known will not kiss a man during casual sex. More than once I have slept with a bisexual woman, we have kissed wildly and passionately as well as intimately with great tenderness and had the most wonderful time.. yet while talking afterward, and discussing sex and men, they have been quite categorical.. no kissing with men on one niters. It is far more rare than men's reluctance to kiss a man.. but understand it? Not on your nellie.. it seems a restraint I know I couldnt hack because I am an instinctive person.. and kissing, before, during and after sex, with a casual or any other kind of lover, is as instinctual to me as it gets..

.. there are very few things to do with sexual intimacy I have inhibitions about.. but there are some.. in the days I was interested in men, more so with them than was ever the case with women.. we all have our inhibitions even the most liberal among us.. not kissing men during a casual encounter isn't one I can understand.. if I didnt want to kiss a man I am bloody sure I didn't want any other part of him near my bed or me in his.. nor was quick fumble al fresco in an alley or a doorway ever going to happen..

[sammie19]

nor was quick fumble al fresco in an alley or a doorway ever going to happen..

An alley or a doorway? Aunty Flan, u never did? :eek:

[CuddlyKate]

Not with me she didn't, Samantha!

[mel_bigboy]

I won't speak for all bi men but only for myself. When I was younger the idea of kissing another man was bizarre as that was reserved for men and women. A heterosexual activity or worse...a homosexual one. All I wanted then was the occasional tryst with a large cock and not who the cock was attached too. Over the years I've learned, matured, and came to grips with who I am sexually so these "ideas" have since passed away.
My wife and I tried swinging some years ago making "rules of engagement" to stay safe and protect the sanctity of our marriage. The number one rule was no kissing. Our belief then was kissing is a very intimate act only shared by us and not with another....it was "just sex." During a threesome with another guy, not long after we started the lifestyle, he kissed my wife and I quickly had to kiss him back then kiss my wife....before ya know it we are all three kissing together and that act started one of the best sexual moments we've ever had.
I think one can try to compartmentalize certain sexual acts and may be successful...we were not. For us, in the end, it was all or nothing. I've known some fellows who have never kissed another man much less, as you described, going all out body to body biting, rubbing, licking, etc. I found that over time I could not pass it up. But, with all that said, I always came home to my wife who to this day still holds my heart.

[darkeyes]

Not with me she didn't, Samantha!

No? .. shall we rectify that tonight while we are out on the raz? Is that what ur saying?? tee hee :tong:

[dafydd]

You do everything you do with a partner except have no expectations, and enjoy the night, knowing you might never see them again. Casual sex satisfies a need, a hunger, a thirst. It's like getting a big mac when you're really hungey (if you enjoy fast food). It's taken many years for me to be able to do it like this, but if you get to that state of mind, you can really enjoy yourself.

D

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

In my Lifestyle "Just Sex" means that no emotions are tied to the romping. It is what it is, its pleasure time without the hang-ups. Its fulfilling a need to both parties, (or however many there at at the moment..lol) without all of the complications afterwards. I know it sounds cold and orchastrated, but it isnt really. Now see, for me I Need/want all of the stuff that goes with love-making/down right hardcore fucking. I Adore that deep wild, passionate kissing and sucking, biting, licking, whole primal thing. (Damn its getting warm in here..lol) and lots and lots of oral. Thats a Must. Doing oral excites me to No End.
To have Just Sex fulfills a need too.. for some. But some of us have the need for the total arousal as well, and kissing will get me hot in a heartbeat. Bite my neck and I'm well on my way to creaming my jeans...lol
But I digress...
Some folks just want the pleasure without any attachment, and thats fine if thats Their thing. If they dont want to kiss or treat their lover with anything more than just a get off tool, than thats their perogitive. Its all good. To each their own.
Preferably, I want my lover to have the best time he or she can, and I want them happy and worn out when I'm done..lol
Bad Cat

[Realist]

Bizel,

It's obvious that there are many different trains of thought on this subject. I'll bet that if you ask 10 people about how they conduct their lives in all matters, you will get as many answers.

I tend to be romantic and want to know a person, before being intimate. Their idiosyncrasies, interests, and desires, are important to me.....I have no desire to be with anyone who's needs are not known. Sure, I want to be intimate with them, but I want to know I can please them as well as I hope to be!

Many folks are different and that's fine...for them. But, I am not, nor have I ever been, one to have mindless sex with a stranger. I've had ONE, one-night stand in my whole life! I was young, trying to figure out the route I wanted to take and afterwards, I determined that wasn't the way I wanted to go.

I will admit that I haven't had nearly the amount of sexual encounters, as most who are my age, but what I have had have been rewarding and fulfilling to me!

[dafydd]

have tried looking up gay videos to see what men do, and they kiss and get intimate.

FYI anything u find on gay porn vids are all just ultimate fantasies and have no real basis in real life.

d

[by~his~side]

so, here's my question. how do you just have sex with someone, without kissing, biting, licking, full-on body experience? do you just meet, rub erogenous zones, undress, have oral (?), have intercourse, pant with exhaustion, redress, have a drink and go home? is it just that simple, that coldly casual? or is that where 'casual sex' came from? it seems so clinical, so one dimensional. have tried looking up gay videos to see what men do, and they kiss and get intimate. how do you get intimate with someone without being intimate? does that sound strange? does anyone know what i mean?[/QUOTE]

Bizel,
Yes, it can be that simple and casual...but never cold.
(Our situation is very, very much like yours. Bi husband with a straight wife.)
We aren't talking one night stands with a stranger who caught our eye at a bar. We've never done that. That seems empty.
We've been fortunate enough to have met some awesome guys (on this site) and formed casual sexual relationships with a select few.
My husband and I would never describe any of our experiences as one dimensional and we highly doubt anyone we've been with would either. The men he has been with are there for the same reason he is....to fulfill their desire for cock. It's playtime. And it is FULL body involvement..it's great sex the only way they know how.....100% full throttle.
We'd never select a man that wants his heart involved. Thats fine for other people but it's not what we are looking for.
We tend to host at our home. Candles, fireplace and a bi porn video in the DVD player to loosen up the mood. Maybe a soak in the hot tub to loosen up the muscles. Overnight guests are the norm. Everyone goes to their room content and smiling afterwards.
It's intimate without the unwanted emotional attachment. It's casual but never cold.
Hubby wants cock. Warm and casual. :tong:
It definitely can be done.

~D~

[MrBisex]

A missionary position as a quickie one if you are in a hurry:)

[cornholejoe]

get a blowjob zip up your pants and leave

[NakedInSeattle]

It's easy. Just concentrate on the task/cock/pussy at hand. Keep in mind why you are there and why he/she/it is there. Pleasure/taste/liquid/sound/cum - both of you.

[bamberggm]

This is really hard for me. A major part of my emotion investment is gained through physical means. So when my wife and I started out it was very hard for me and her as well. Honestly therewas a lot of heartache there. Now we approach every guy together as if we are dating. We allow ourselves to develop feelings and if they arent returned before the relationship turns physical the we walk away. Has this worked. Honestly not so far. However it has saved us a lot of sad times. Eventually i feel we'll find someone that is worth emotional investment.

[void()]

You do everything you do with a partner except have no expectations, and enjoy the night, knowing you might never see them again. Casual sex satisfies a need, a hunger, a thirst. It's like getting a big mac when you're really hungey (if you enjoy fast food). It's taken many years for me to be able to do it like this, but if you get to that state of mind, you can really enjoy yourself.

D

Fast food ... ugh. No wonder I am unable to do casual sex at great lengths. Did some and really never developed a taste for it. Guess this analogy helps me understand why. Thanks.

[darkeyes]

You do everything you do with a partner except have no expectations, and enjoy the night, knowing you might never see them again. Casual sex satisfies a need, a hunger, a thirst. It's like getting a big mac when you're really hungey (if you enjoy fast food). It's taken many years for me to be able to do it like this, but if you get to that state of mind, you can really enjoy yourself.

D

Unlike Voidie.. I dont like the analogy much, but can see where you are coming from.. also unlike Voidie, I developed a taste for it and a huge appetite which, even if I dont indulge that appetite any more it has never quite left me..

At its best, I would suggest casual sex is more like a top quality meal which so satisfies us that it is a memory that never quite leaves us.. the range of how much we both indulge in any encounter and it leaves us satisfied varies like any meal, from top notch and to be raved about, down to the "burnt offering" or tasteless grotty mess that some would offer as "food".. in between are luffly, enjoyable tasty meals, and less satisfying but still acceptable fast foods such as a good chippie or (in my opinion) not quite so acceptable and enjoyable but still tasty quickie of which daffy speaks.. the McDonalds.. this may not be as elegant and is more long winded than daffy's analogy but I think more accurately reflects what casual sex is.. the sort of "quickies" some talk about, where there is no real emotional investment in the encounter and a mimimum of physical contact it seems to me is a bit like eating a square or two of choccie to take the edge of a greater appetite.. nice but not incredibly fulfilling..

[void()]

"can see where you are coming from ..."

I can see it too, silly tart. I just get lost with the 'c'mon boy, slop that hog' attitude, course that could be the insanity speaking.

Ah, and also the KS I live with sort of makes me a stick in the mud a bit. I take a while to get aroused, then forever to get over the hump, and at times don't get over it at all. Still enjoy a good f8c4ing once in a while, but rather prefer making love, and yeah there's a dif. Although sometimes the KS takes a backseat, times I stop and think 'gawd, been like months dude ... um, gotta do sumpin' an how'.

*mock sobbing* I get so confused as well. I mean hey I like AC & DC, love riding the lightning either way. Difficult to choose at times which socket fits what plug. *chuckles* And then I get times of pure misanthropy. "All youse people, go boink yaselves cos I ain't boinkin ya!"

So yeah, I'm a mess of a mess spawned in chaotic bliss of the enigma. Maybe I ought to just 'get over myself' and go on a fucking spree, woot! Might actually not respect myself in the morning, ah but who cares I'll be senseless from the humping.

[darkeyes]

"can see where you are coming from ..."

I can see it too, silly tart. I just get lost with the 'c'mon boy, slop that hog' attitude, course that could be the insanity speaking.

Ah, and also the KS I live with sort of makes me a stick in the mud a bit. I take a while to get aroused, then forever to get over the hump, and at times don't get over it at all. Still enjoy a good f8c4ing once in a while, but rather prefer making love, and yeah there's a dif. Although sometimes the KS takes a backseat, times I stop and think 'gawd, been like months dude ... um, gotta do sumpin' an how'.

*mock sobbing* I get so confused as well. I mean hey I like AC & DC, love riding the lightning either way. Difficult to choose at times which socket fits what plug. *chuckles* And then I get times of pure misanthropy. "All youse people, go boink yaselves cos I ain't boinkin ya!"

So yeah, I'm a mess of a mess spawned in chaotic bliss of the enigma. Maybe I ought to just 'get over myself' and go on a fucking spree, woot! Might actually not respect myself in the morning, ah but who cares I'll be senseless from the humping.

*laffs* Today Voidie, Fran needs a giggle..ta for that..:) U r always likely 2 bring a lil grin 2 me chops and yas dun it 'gain!!

[cuttin2dachase]

Ah...the kiss ! It was after a hot 3some with my 1st wife. He and I had performed orally on each other and her and had both kissed her, licked her and screwed her silly. She fell happily asleep in the bedroom and we retired to the den, sat naked on the sofa with after-sex drinks and chatted for a bit. He arose and began to get dressed to leave and asked if I might be interested in meeting him alone sometime. I told him I wouldn't meet him alone without wifey but pointed out to him that we were alone NOW and asked him what he had in mind. He sat down and said "THIS", then grabbed my cock and began nibbling my ear and licking my neck. I literally swooned, and put my lips to his as I reached for his cock and french kissed him deeply..... me a very masculine bi married man who had never even thought about kissing a man the way I'd kissed women all my life. We ended the night an hour later after totally ravaging each other before 69'ing to mutual orgasms. It was an epiphany. For me, kissing and touching and arousing and being aroused by a lover, female or male, crosses the line between casual encounters you forget and intimate experiences that you don't forget, whether or not you ever see that person again. I much prefer intimate experiences to casual encounters !

[bamberggm]

LOL Wanna get rid of a guy you find on the internet quickly? Just tell them you want to be friends first. Works every time.

[bizel]

Ah...the kiss ! It was after a hot 3some with my 1st wife. He and I had performed orally on each other and her and had both kissed her, licked her and screwed her silly. She fell happily asleep in the bedroom and we retired to the den, sat naked on the sofa with after-sex drinks and chatted for a bit. He arose and began to get dressed to leave and asked if I might be interested in meeting him alone sometime. I told him I wouldn't meet him alone without wifey but pointed out to him that we were alone NOW and asked him what he had in mind. He sat down and said "THIS", then grabbed my cock and began nibbling my ear and licking my neck. I literally swooned, and put my lips to his as I reached for his cock and french kissed him deeply..... me a very masculine bi married man who had never even thought about kissing a man the way I'd kissed women all my life. We ended the night an hour later after totally ravaging each other before 69'ing to mutual orgasms. It was an epiphany. For me, kissing and touching and arousing and being aroused by a lover, female or male, crosses the line between casual encounters you forget and intimate experiences that you don't forget, whether or not you ever see that person again. I much prefer intimate experiences to casual encounters !

this brings up a fear i have. i've introduced hubby to my knickers and he's become a crossdresser. i introduced him to his prostate and now he's into anal sex with guys. terrified he'll start kissing cos that's so personal to me. it's something so special i don't want him doing that with anyone but me. i really don't know how to deal with that one.

[innaminka]

"just sex" to me means no emotional ties - the old "no-strings" cliche.

But how could you have sex withoutout kissing? Without touching and exploring?
That's as much as what sex is about as the actual "plumbing."

I can understand "professional ladies" not kissing their clients, but then i don't have sex a number of times a night with different people.

The way I look at it is if I am going to have sex, I am going to have sex - the Full Monty. Kissing touching, exploration multiple orgasms - and in a past life, accepting his semen.

[cuttin2dachase]

Great sex is never 'just sex' ! Many people cannot separate the emotional sensations they feel in the heat of the passion of making love to someone they've just met from the love they want to feel with a significant other. They think God I want this person to do this with again and again for the rest of my life and I want this person to only want to be with me from now on. Sex can be the start of a relationship or it can be the end of a potential relationship...

[drugstore cowboy]

this brings up a fear i have. i've introduced hubby to my knickers and he's become a crossdresser. i introduced him to his prostate and now he's into anal sex with guys. terrified he'll start kissing cos that's so personal to me. it's something so special i don't want him doing that with anyone but me. i really don't know how to deal with that one.

No matter what you say or how you emotionally blackmail your husband he's going to do what he wants to do when he has sex with men. He's probably already kissed lots of men and just is not telling you. It's just kissing there's nothing 'special' or 'personal' about it.

[void()]

*laffs* Today Voidie, Fran needs a giggle..ta for that..:) U r always likely 2 bring a lil grin 2 me chops and yas dun it 'gain!!

Truth is the most hilarious joke I know. But am glad you enjoyed the humor.

At times I get told being as such sexually, what with the KS, is great. Other times I'm told "gee, if only you'd cum!" So it can frustrate a partner. About the same regarding getting hot and bothered. I go to extremes. I'm probably broken or something. Bah, no matter life is too short to not enjoy what is given.

"Make do and do the best you're able, using what is available to you."

See how many can guess the correct person that said it. Hint, it's not me despite it being something of a favored philosophy.

[bizel]

No matter what you say or how you emotionally blackmail your husband he's going to do what he wants to do when he has sex with men. He's probably already kissed lots of men and just is not telling you. It's just kissing there's nothing 'special' or 'personal' about it.

boy, do i feel sorry for you. if that's how you judge people, that is sad. not everyone lowers themselves to emotional blackmail or lying to cover up their behaviour. how tiring to live a life like that. i can ask him not to. if he does he will tell me, then that's my issue. kissing to me is one barrier which i don't want crossed. thankfully he feels no need to cross it -so far. clearly it is 'special' and 'personal' to me. if it didn't mean that much, i'd be happy with him kissing you.

[Annika L]

*sigh* He's back again, eh? And just when I was relishing how long he'd been away.

Here's my advice, people. Speak to him if you must, but don't friggin quote him. That way, when he gets banned, his stupid posts will go with him, and won't live on in *your* posts.

Zel, this is an interesting topic, and I'm glad you asked about it. It's one I'm enjoying hearing peoples' (including your) thoughts about...but in a rare instance, I find that I have little to add myself. This is a slightly touchy area for me, too. Anyway, I wish you the best with your husband. *hugs*

[boyinwilson]

i dont post alot but i just had to on this one. it is posiable to just have sex i have a friend i have know for ten years now we are great friends but he is 99.9 percent straight. and back when he was younger we would drink a few and i would always comment on how big his box was and one night he asked if i wanted to see it. i was shocked when i seen it i asked if i could play with it. he was'nt real cool with it because he had a gf already but he agreed and we ended up having sex. and ever since i can call him and he will come over we do what we like to do then get up and watch tv and drink a few. sometimes it's good to have a service friend only. he just got married and has a kid but we still find time to work out our needs.

[dickhand]

I am afraid that I am that way also . I am not , by nature , the touchy feely type . I was with the wife . I guess because I loved her . I have never been much of a mouth kisser with men and have found that I am not much of a mouth kisser with other women either . Just sex is just sex for me . I'll kiss and lick any other part of the body with enthusiasm . I have one woman who I have been with often one on one and only occasionally with a third person . All other women I have been with have been there husbands as well . They seem to have the kissing taken care of without me . I have been with men that were kissers and I'll accomadate . But I would never initiate .

[sammie19]

My hands and body have minds of their own. Things happen and they dont seem to be thought out or planned. I agree with Innaminka that if I have sex I have sex and nothing less will do. My whole body and soul is put into it.

[bisexualcocklover]

I'm a bisexual male. Been there and done that with love and relationships. I prefer NSA sex...particularly with other men because everyone gets what they want. We both cum...often more than once...and then we say thanks and goodbye. It doesn't mean you can't hook up again. I just prefer it that way.

[DuckiesDarling]

Any sexual contact is intimate. So as long as you understand that intimacy does not mean love then you shouldn't worry too much. But in the end, when you give the permission for someone to play, you can't worry too much about how they play as long as they play safely. If you do, you'll drive yourself stark raving bonkers. :2cents:

[cuttin2dachase]

I think most hetero men try bi sex with other men so they can feel uninhibited with less boundaries and be sexual animals with no obligation to love and emotional attachment....uninhibited wild hetero sex with the woman we love is what we all want, but it comes with strings attached and we dutifully give her what she wants but she feels not compelled to be her man's slut in the bedroom and give him what he wants with no strings..she's like Baby I'll suck your dick and let you cum in my mouth if you'll buy me new living room furniture LOL