the decision

[jedinudist]

It's long, but I think it has a point...

I have known since a very early age that I am attracted to both males and females. I found out quite by accident, but found out none the less.

My mother did not know. My father did. He used verbal and physical abuse to try to force me to be straight from the moment he found out, which was before I even started school. He did some absolutely horrid things which I won't delve into here, but they did have a lasting and damaging effect. Even after my parents divorced, he kept pouring it on whenever I had to participate in the court ordered visitation. I tried so hard to be the son he wanted.

All through my childhood and teen years I tried to resist "that evil perverted urge" as I was taught to call it. And as a result, I experienced a constant roller coaster of temptations, failures, and emotions. I literally hated myself for being who I am. I cried and prayed, tried most of the judeo-christian religions, all in a failed attempt to be "cured" and to avoid the torments of hell that I was told about in great detail and would surely suffer.

When I became a teenager and puberty fired up- I became very sexually active, mostly with a few male friends of mine and a few steady girlfriends. Only the guys knew I "swung both ways" and since this was a small town back in the 80's, we all kept each other's secret. The risk was too great if one of us was found out. This probably lent itself to reinforcing the belief that I was "wrong", "evil" and most of all- damned. The peaks and valleys of the roller coaster got higher and lower. I would have sex with a girl... and feel fine afterwards. After all, that was "normal", right?

But after having sex with my boyfriend, I would rapidly fall under the sway of crushing guilt and deep depression for having succombed to failure again. I felt flawed. Worthless. I felt wrong.

This, coupled with one other issue was too much. When I was 16, I attempted suicide. It was a serious attempt that went wrong due to a mechanical failure. It wasn't a cry for help. I tried that with a psychologist who belittled the feelings I had and reported them back to my dad. I wanted the pain and darkness to end and I did what I could to accomplish just that. I failed myself in that area as well.

Two years later, my mother divorced the man I called my dad (who knew about my sexuality, but did nothing more than lightly encourage me to have sex with my girlfriend) and we moved across the country. I entered a period where I did not have sex with another guy for a few years, then didn't have sex with another person at all for a few more. I fought it like I was told I had to. And I fell further and further into the trap that my father and religion had laid for me as a child. Two weeks after my 21st birthday, I tried to drink myself to death. I ended up with a bad case of alcohol poisoning and a hangover that should be talked about in hushed tones on stormy nights.

It was a while before I had sexual relations with another person, and as luck would have it, it was when I moved back to that small town from the 80's, and it was with one of the guys from my high school days. He was married, and deep, deep, DEEP in the closet about being bisexual. Even then, I could not apply that term to myself. It just seemed "wrong".

Flash forward a few more years and I was trying to make myself go one way or the other. Either be gay or straight. It was during my attempt to be gay that I fell in Love. At first sight. With my wife. She also fell in Love at first sight with me. From a distance of about 20 feet, and without speaking a word, we were in Love.

I tried to distance myself form her. I didn't want to hurt her and I knew I liked guys and gals alike. It was no use.

I was in a panic. I was more torn than ever. Here was the other half of my soul. A lady of astonishing character, grace, and gentleness that I could not contemplate being without. I felt compelled to be completely honest with her.

During one of our many talks (we had an unusual courtship. no dates, just heart to heart talks), I did two things-

1. I bared my soul. I told her of my past sexual experience and promised her that it would not be an issue ever again. How could it be? I had never felt anything even remotely as powerful as the way I felt and still feel for her. Surely my attraction to guys couldn't match the grace and power of my Love for her.

2. I told her, in tears, that I could not imagine my life without her.

In one of the few talks that followed before we admitted to each other that we were in Love and would be together, she told me she had been hurt in the past and asked only one thing of me; i.e.- to never cheat on her or leave her because I suddenly discovered I was gay. I assured her that was not possible, because to me, it just wasn't.

Our mariage has survived may trials. Jobs, money, debt,- you name it. And then it happened. Out of respect for my wife, I will not go into details, however, the "bi" side of my sexuality reared it's unwanted head in a rather ugly way. I had now not only failed myself, but I had hurt the one person in this world who truly loved me. That lovely pain and darkness came back. With interest. It took us both a long time to return to any sense of normalcy.

Recently, with much trepidation, I told my wife that I still feel a strong attraction to guys. I had to. I had to be honest with her. I owe her that and more. Much to her credit, we're still married, and amazingly, we are more in Love than ever. It has not been easy for either of us. Believe it or not, she is more comfortable with my being Bisexual than I am! She repeatedly assures me that I must be who I am and that she loves me deeply. I can not describe how wonderful this is, nor can I describe how much better my life has become.

I do not have sex with other guys, as neither of us is ready for that yet.. if ever. She asked me if I wanted to find a guy to have sex with and after looking into myself for a moment, I honestly replied "No. I don't think I'm ready for that and I don't want to risk your feelings or our Love for one another". Do I want to have sex with another guy?

Absolutely. But not yet. Maybe someday we will both be ready for that. Maybe not.

I am still not "out" to the general public. Why not? I'd like to say it's because it's nobody else's business. Purely heterosexual people don't have to "declare" their sexual orientation, why should I? And that is a big part of it. However, there is another part too. What would happen to me if it became common knowledge? Would I lose my job? That would be legal where I live. Would I be attacked? Thats been known to happen. Would my wife be harrassed or attacked? That's possible here too.

What's wrong with me? Why did I fight this for so long and why did I hide it and deny it? Why did it make me feel so bad and why does it still make me feel flawed today? Why can't I be comfortable with who I am? What's really stopping me from putting a Bi Pride flag or sticker on my truck?

My last question to myself is the same question I pose to you- What can be done to keep another scared, confused 16 year old from trying to kill himself or herself? And how can we help?

I think that until a majority of society see's that bisexuality to one degree or another is normal, there will always be a young person in pain for no reason.

married_bi_memphis

I believe that all mammals are inherently bisexual to one degree or another. Many of the greatest learned cultures in history accepted it. So.. here's a rhetorical question- When did it suddenly become so wrong?
:yinyang: :flag2: :yinyang:

[codybear3]

If a child is hurt or wounded, would we not take them to our breast and hold them tight and assure them that everything is going to be alright? If a child is scared of the dark, do we not turn on the light and show them a closet empty of monsters and tell them that everything will be alright? If a child tells you he/she has sexual urges for the same sex, do we..not..should we..?!?!..can we?? What should we really do?

If its a family member, I would support them and talk to them and give them as much information depending on what they way ask...But there is a fine line here when talking to just any child with this situation.

For anyone to have to go through what m_b_m went through is just not right. I do not know how many suicides, if any, it would take to make society aware that bisexuality is not an abnormality. I can only hope that many more people like many members who happen to be straight on this site would take the time to come in here or become familiar with bisexuals in general to see that we are not monsters, boogey-men, or degenerates out to sleep with everyone. We are mothers and fathers...Brothers and sisters...Sons and daughters...Grand-dads and nanas...We are all the children of the Great Spirit who has made us how we are. And I wish for the whole world to understand all of us so that those 16 year olds can lead a full fruitful, loving life... :2cents: :paw: :paw:

[Lorcan]

God....no one should have to go through this hell. But there are a lot of hells out there, aren't there? I just glad you found a good partner. (My husband was dating just men when he found me too. :) )


Purely heterosexual people don't have to "declare" their sexual orientation, why should I?


Well, actually they do "declare" their sexual oriention... when they talk about their girlfiends, boyfiends, husbands, wifes... but never of the same sex. And most of us bisexuals talk like the purely heterosexual people, trying to blend in and hide, only adding to the illusion that purely heterosexual people are the only ones.



My last question to myself is the same question I pose to you- What can be done to keep another scared, confused 16 year old from trying to kill himself or herself? And how can we help?

I think that until a majority of society see's that bisexuality to one degree or another is normal, there will always be a young person in pain for no reason.



I have talk to my son a lot about my sexuality. He is turning 11 now. In his naivety he outed us to his class one time... but we survived. What i can do for the other confused 16 year olds, i do not know.

[APMountianMan]

What's wrong with me? Why did I fight this for so long and why did I hide it and deny it? Why did it make me feel so bad and why does it still make me feel flawed today? Why can't I be comfortable with who I am? What's really stopping me from putting a Bi Pride flag or sticker on my truck?

As I read your opus, I was deeply moved. The internal turmoil that you describe I have also felt. Like you I have found the healing love and acceptance of an understanding wife, (Lorcan above) so you see we have somethings in common. And yet, your questions seem to me to point to something deeper.

I think you know now that there is nothing wrong with you, as much as I know there is nothing wrong with me. Something is wrong, however, with societal mores and with the dominant religious motifs. As my hero from the original Star Trek once said: A sane man in an insane world would appear to be insane. This is where I believe many bisexual youth find themselves. They are made to feel, and come to believe, they are the insane ones. How can you deny you are insane when most of the world, your community, is telling you that there is something wrong with your very essence? Mind you, they done tell you that the acts you may or may not be engaged in are wrong, they tell that even having the thoughts, desires, the feelings are evil! My god, do they really believe they have such power to control their thoughts, feelings and desires? Not. But they will put that burden on BGLT children and adult without thought.

And so this is why you felt so bad and why it took so long for you to admit who you are to yourself and another. The residue from living, and believing, the sane ones still echoes in the halls of your mind; repeating the message that something is wrong with you. The voices only gain strength when we deny their presence. Acknowledge the voice that is being played in the background of your mind, then look it boldly in the eyes and declare it a lair. You are not the insane one! It is a liar! You are not flawed! It is a liar!

As for being comfortable with yourself, I am not so much sure it is with yourself that you are uncomfortable as much as with others. By this I mean you have come to accept who you are, but as a sane person you naturally realize the inherent dangers in revealing yourself to anyone and everyone. While it may be self-liberating to put a Bi-Pride sticker on your truck, it could also be a life or death declaration in many parts of the country. Sane people weight these actions. It doesn’t mean they aren't committed to the cause or that they are cowards. It means that they are mature enough to understand the nature of the struggle and the need to pick ones battles well.

Finally, what can we do to help so another minor doesn’t think that suicide is the only way out? It has been suggested that a link to an alternative site be made. Maybe that would help, maybe not. Maybe it would only make us feel like we have done something. For me it is gently challenging some of the slang that has entered our culture such as “that’s so gay.” I think when we hear things that make us uncomfortable we need to say so. Kids use these things, at times, to cover their true feelings; I know I did at once.

This is not a battle that will be won over night. It is a battle that will have some victories, some drawbacks, and some losses, ultimately it is a battle that can be won: one heart to heart conversation at a time.

At least, that’s my opinion and I am sticking with it.

:cool: