Trouble forming male friendships, related to my bisexuality?

[r1648513]

I am 40, married, and newly understanding and accepting of my bisexuality. I am not out to anyone yet and want to tell my wife, just hasn't worked out yet. I have been interested in sex with a man since my teens and pushed it aside, occasionally thinking, or sometimes obsessing on it but not acting on it until a year ago, and that was a one time thing as I haven't been comfortable cheating. 

While I have had these thoughts for a long time, I have also had a hard time connecting with men socially. I always felt pressure to conform to the expectations of what is masculine but don't. I am a vegetarian, I am not into sports, I'm also not into small talk and had a hard time bonding with other men - not the grab a beer and watch the game, or BBQ type.  When I do meet a guy who I have things in common with (usually more arty, intellectual) I don't pursue friendship as I don't know what to do and feel awkward doing so. I have not had a close fiend for a long time and want to.

So the question is, as I came to terms with me being bisexual, I am trying to work through whether there is a relation between my sexual interest in men and my reservation about getting close to a man? Anyone else here feel this way or dealing with similar issues?

My sexual interest in men has always been secondary to my attraction to women. While I would love to suck cock I couldn't see myself kissing a man or being intimate beyond a purely sexual nature and now I am wondering whether this is because of how my attraction works, or if it is tied to some wall I put up between myself and men to not allow myself to get close in this way?

Thanks for any advice.
 

[bityme]

I am 40, married, and newly understanding and accepting of my bisexuality. I am not out to anyone yet and want to tell my wife, just hasn't worked out yet. I have been interested in sex with a man since my teens and pushed it aside, occasionally thinking, or sometimes obsessing on it but not acting on it until a year ago, and that was a one time thing as I haven't been comfortable cheating.*

While I have had these thoughts for a long time, I have also had a hard time connecting with men socially. I always felt pressure to conform to the expectations of what is masculine but don't. I am a vegetarian, I am not into sports, I'm also not into small talk and had a hard time bonding with other men - not the grab a beer and watch the game, or BBQ type. *When I do meet a guy who I have things in common with (usually more arty, intellectual) I don't pursue friendship as I don't know what to do and feel awkward doing so. I have not had a close fiend for a long time and want to.

So the question is, as I came to terms with me being bisexual, I am trying to work through whether there is a relation between my sexual interest in men and my reservation about getting close to a man? Anyone else here feel this way or dealing with similar issues?

My sexual interest in men has always been secondary to my attraction to women. While I would love to suck cock I couldn't see myself kissing a man or being intimate beyond a purely sexual nature and now I am wondering whether this is because of how my attraction works, or if it is tied to some wall I put up between myself and men to not allow myself to get close in this way?

Thanks for any advice.
*

You need to realize that as human beings, we are both social and sexual animals. Those two aspects of our makeup are considerably different. (Of course, there are a lot of other things that make us what we are.)

Being masculine does not require that you fit a particular mold. You don't have to be a redneck, beer swilling, sports fanatic, Bar-B-Qer to be masculine. I am not into sports and have several advanced degrees. I do enjoy a good Bar-B-Q and ride a motorcycle. I prefer a fine wine over a long-neck bottle of beer, an intellectual conversation over sports statistics, and a play over a football game. I consider myself masculine and do not feel that my masculinity is diminished by the fact that I am bisexual and sexually versatile.

I would not advise avoiding friendship because you happen to be bisexual. Friendship does not require the existence of a sexual relationship, although I do think it is much better to be friends with someone you are involved sexually. Friends are people whose company we enjoy and with whom we have interests in common. You may or may not chose to disclose your sexual orientation to them, however, even if you do, that doesn't mean you have to be sexual with them. I have many male and female friends because of shared common interests, most know about my sexual orientation, some do not, but there are only a very few with whom I am intimate.

I also have a couple of male friends who are straight and to whom I am sexually attracted, however, I respect their preference and enjoy the friendship. The closest I have ever come to being sexual with them is just saying: "Should you ever change your mind . . ." Over the last 40 years, only two such friends changed their mind. Once it was a disaster, the other became a long-term friend with benefits.

I am one of those individuals who is not romantically attracted to men yet enjoy sex with them. I've only been in love twice in my life and married each of those lovely ladies. Letting them know I was bisexual was no problem for me since both of them were bisexual also. Fortunately, I never had to deal with the issue of cheating because we had great communication and shared everything. If at all possible, I recommend establishing that type of communication. A supportive partner can help resolve may issues and concerns you might have as you further explore your sexuality.

Just enjoy life and the people around you. Don't feel that your sexual orientation has to limit friendships.

Pappy

[mooon]

Yes, I have felt much the same.

I am a bit older, and a bit farther along in exploring my bisexuality. I am a 59 yo MWM.

When I was young I had a close group of male friends. As I got older, that faded.
It did not help that focus on home and family took center stage. Now that we are "empty nesters", the lack of close male friends seems to take on new importance. My wife is my best friend, but she cannot do it all. Fortunately, she has been mostly supportive of my bi explorations.
Most of my friendships seemed to be about some common activity or interest. They seemed to only go so deep. Driven by homophobia? Maybe so. Straight guys are so scared of anything that might even appear as possibly gay. I'm getting past that now.
It also did not help that our society drives us men to be so competitive. I was always jockeying to show that I was smarter, better, or something. Another thing I am trying to get past.

As I have accepted my bisexuality, I have also been trying to open up more to friendship. It seems to be working, both for sexual and non-sexual friendships.
Before accepting my bisexuality, I almost never found a man attractive, even as the fantasy of sex with a man grew. Now I find that I CAN be attracted to a man.
I feel a good emotional bond with my BF, yet it is different than the bond that I have with my wife or with previous GFs. It seems that my romantic attachments are for women, but there is another kind of closeness available with men.
It has been quite the excellent adventure !

There is an essay on male friendship that I found quite useful. You can read it here: http://cwolf2.tripod.com/buddyship.htm

M

[Bicuriousity]

Well i can relate to the trouble in making new friends. Ive always had tons of friends and never had problem meeting people, but then i moved due to a job loss and knew noone other than the woman in my life who moved with me.

Now due to long hours at work and very little free time i find myself with no social group other than my coworkers or hers, both of which either also work too kuch or live too far away.

[cuttin2dachase]

I know the feeling well. I am older too, married twice, divorcing 2nd wife as we speak. I cannot ever be emotionally attached to a man as I can be with a woman, but I damn sure enjoy mm romance and sex and male bonding. Although I identify more with bi married men who enjoy sports, drinkin' beer, checking out the hot chicks, talking about how our wives and gf's just don't understand us or want to be wild in bed or have multiple sex partners, etc. (ie. the "guy things" LOL), I can also enjoy drinking wine, discussing art, history, philosophy and our mm desires (and check out & compare notes on guys and chicks together too LOL)..... but being bluntly honest, the main reason I like to be with men is to have intimacy and sex with men. It is just so compellingly delicious and is a very differently erotic diversion from women.

When I 1st discovered I was bi, I tried to analyze it and justify it and it always came back to the same thing..it is how I was meant to be...and I accept it.

[tenni]

I agree with much that is in the article. I think that the questions about male friendships and more so "buddy"ship can be difficult for many guys to develop and maintain after adolescence. I have scores (maybe hundreds) of acquaintances but very few friends and maybe three buddies. This week I will be getting together with a buddy. I saw him last week as he received a major government award. He wanted me there. I went even if I didn't say much to him and I didn't really want to be there....(too early in the day for me and I had to travel over an hour to get there..not a morning person...lol) I "know" things about him that his wife does not know but there may be things that I don't know about him that she knows. Our friendship predates his relationship with his wife. She accepts and honours our friendship to the point of encouraging us to get together. I agree that relationships between men are difficult enough but if the wife doesn't like the buddy it can be impossible. Then if there is a divorce /death a lot of guys are left truly isolated with no support or friendship. He has put all of his eggs in the one basket and it can be horrible if/when it is taken away.

My relationship with my buddy did begin in one of the men's group situations and like the article stated that group lasted a little over two years. We were a group of men strangely with a strong religious component for most of the men but not two of us (my buddy is a former missionary). Some were married. Some were single. One was gay. No one knew that I was bi. We had some incredible experiences and discussions and all were fairly well educated men.

A couple of times we did the guy thing and went cottaging and hiking for the weekend. It did strengthen the bonds between us even if the group didn't survive. It stripped away any "illusion" of status or job. We did become boy like again once women were removed...lol. The one man that has remained and become my buddy bonded in away that I don't completely understand. I helped him create his business by loaning him money. He has never forgotten that and unlike the article it doesn't matter to me or him that he is a millionaire with more money than me. We honour each other's accomplishments and are happy for each other.

We only see each other less than six times a year usually but the bond is strong. We have a great time laughing and joking. We share secrets now and have for awhile. I'm very glad and fortunate to have him as a buddy. I think that if his female partner had "issues" that it would be hard for us to remain friends. His mother seems to love me. I was his best man at his wedding. My other two buddies are each unique as is our relationship. I'd say one has downgraded to some extent over the years and the other buddy is rather cold. I don't share as much with him but he is there for me and vice versa if needed. I see him a lot...weekly at his insistence.

Opps ...a ramble. Bottom line, I suspect that my bisexuality is connected in part to a desire for intimacy with other men and not in a sexual manner. That is just part of something. I've never ever wanted to be sexual with my closest buddy though. It was established more along a brother relationship..kinda.

[AidanS57]

Interesting thread, I don't think I've ever had any problems making friends of either sex, simply because I do not think of sex when I think of friends. There is a line to me, a personal line, and I do not cross it. :2cents:

Aidan

[lokione]

Sounds very similar to my life story. I've a few life long male friends, none of which know about my sexuality. I've also other male friends but they aren't much more that friendly acquaintances. Personally I hope to change that aspect of my life some.

However I've bonded with many women through the years and those relationships seem much easier and natural, even though they do know about my "other side" LOL

Perhaps the self imposed refusal to talk about my sexual self has limited my ability to bond with males? But I really haven't felt the desire to voluntarily talk about it because I'm not interested in sitting through 20 questions with them. Or am I interested in being immediately judged by them. Maybe someday I will let them know.

Fortunately I've an extremely loving and understanding female partner that knows EVERYTHING about me. It's been such a relief to have a person that is there to talk to openly.

[bi42guy1958]

I am totally blown away as I read this thread. Its like Im looking in a mirror! :eek: I too have struggled with making friends most all my life, and I always put it off as Im just not an aggressive person. One that could walk up to a stranger and start up a conversation, well except maybe at work, about work. But thats totally different. Ive never been one to be able to analyze myself and figure things out either, but this thread may help as I read different things here. Ive been bi since I was 13 or 14, now 52 and have tried several times throughout my life to suppress these feelings I have toward men. And just so youll know, Im like some of the others, not romantically attracted to men, just sexually.
I really am interested in knowing if there is any coalition between this bisexual and friend thing, so please keep posting, keep talking!! :)

[Dead Account]

Jeez, me too. Sometimes I think its because I think at a much more emotional level than other men. Im much more comfortable with women and always have been.