A dilemma

[CountryLover]

A couple months ago, I met a wonderful man. We've seen each other exclusively since our first date. We're both interested in a long term, even permanent relationship.

He's a sweetheart. He meets nearly every criteria I need for the man in my life. The sex is terrific, he's bisexual, nurturing and tender, and honest as the day is long. He's smart and funny, good looking - and he drinks too heavily and smokes a lot too.

I just don't think I can adapt to those habits. No one in my family drinks or smokes. I have to consider what I'm exposing my 13 yr old special needs child to also.

I'll be seeing him Friday night. How do I tell this gentle man that even though the budding feelings are there, I just can't deal with his self destructive habits? As a FWB, it wouldn't be an issue - but as a man I'm considering for marriage in a couple years.....it makes all the difference in the world.

Should I start replying to some of the interesting hits I've been turning back? Or wait til we have this conversation on Friday? What is the ethical thing to do here?

[wildboy40]

this dose seem to be quite a dilemma, how ever as a former heavy drinker and heavy smoker i have to say if you have alot of feeling for this guy then in time he might change but will he be the same guy you feel for, the only thing i can surgest is to talk to him about your conserns espicaly when it comes to your child compromise he might smoke out side and not in the house he might go out with his buddys after work and have a few cold ones but he dosnt drink at home.

but i think as always if you talk to him that is the best way to go and if he dose feel the same way as you then you will be able to come to some sort of agreement that suits you both

hope it all works out and good luck on friday

[woolleygirl]

Hon
All you can do is share with him your feelings and concerns as a mother i understand your position. Give him a chance to see what he is willing to do to. He maybe will to cut down or even quit you never know unless you give him a chance. You need to talk and convey how you feel about him that you care about him but these things worry you :2cents: .
Good luck hon I have my fingers crossed

T

[julie]

Hey Country Lover..

Sounds like the time in your relationship for a heart to heart..?

I do respect your dilemma and am also aware from my own experience that we all have different coping strategies. The person I am with at the moment drinks and smokes heavily.. i do neither of those but i do over eat and am dependent on mind altering medication (prescribed) to manage my depression.

I have had to take a long hard look at myself and my values over the past few years. This was crucial for me to accept my own sexuality and seperate my own experiencing from the values i had picked up from society, family, the church etc.. Once i had taken this step it became much easier to re-evaluate my opinions on other behaviours frowned upon by society such as drink, drugs, smoking etc. etc..

You may well have already done this and still feel you cannot accomodate your partners smoking and drinking.. despite having such strong feelings for each other in every other way.. :(

Either way you still need to talk and hopefully reach some middle ground which is acceptable for you both... I wish you so much luck though... as the good ones seem to be so few and far between :cool:

:flag4: Julie

[Mimi]

How do I tell this gentle man that even though the budding feelings are there, I just can't deal with his self destructive habits? As a FWB, it wouldn't be an issue - but as a man I'm considering for marriage in a couple years.....it makes all the difference in the world.

tell him just that. let him know that you care about him and like certain things about him, but that you value physical health and do not want to expose your child to cigarettes and alcohol. if he wants to give up those habits, then HE needs to decide that, not you. you cannot make someone change for you.


Should I start replying to some of the interesting hits I've been turning back? Or wait til we have this conversation on Friday? What is the ethical thing to do here?

talk to him FIRST before starting anything else. that is the ethical and considerate thing to do. since you are seeing each other "exclusively" as you say, that means that you have a contract to date each other and no one else. so you must mutually agree to "dissolve" that "contract" before starting a new one. otherwise, some people would call that cheating.

you have time and there are many other fish in the sea. don't settle!

mimi :flag1:

[innaminka]

As to the solution to your dilmma, I think you've had some sound, tho somewhat conflicting, advice.

What strikes me, is the fact that the danger signals, the differences, the irritation points of a relationship have been identified early.
How many of us, young, infatuated and totally in lust, were oblivious to those signals, which over time grew and became real conflict initiators?
- Which lead to relationship breakdowns.

You are aware of how the habits of this guy will not suit you. That's 90% of the challenge faced.
However you decideto resolve the problem do it sooner rather than later.
A "broken heart" now is better than a totally failed relationship with kids, mortgage etc.

[jedinudist]

Tell him just what you've told us...

Tell him how you feel about him.

Tell him that you are having so much trouble reconciling your feelings for him with his two habits. I would avoid the words "self-destructive". Even though they are true, it's all in the phrasing.

Once he knows how you feel about him, and how you feel about the smoking and drinking, the ball is in his court.

The honorable thing is to devote your attention to this particular situation and leave the other contacts alone until you know what will become of your relationship with him (unless he doesn't mind you're having a contact or two).

I wish you the best of luck!

[onewhocares]

A dilemma indeed. One which we all have faced in one form or another. Like those who have stated before me..be open and honest and speak from the heart. Express your concerns, for your child, for you and for HIM. No one wants to have to change someone into who they want them to be- in my experiance- the only one to get hurt is you (and your wonderful son).

Communication is key. And although it is not much consolation, a broken heart now will mend, whereas a broken heart later will break. I know.

Belle

[Tx46M]

You already know what I think and if you read your own post it's right there. I think Mimi's, Belle's and the other wisdom here is in harmony with what you know the appropriate choice is.
:2cents:

[CountryLover]

Well, I'm totally bumfuzzled now LOL

I got to my sweetie's house about 6:30 and....no alcohol in sight. None on his breath, none on the counter, none in his glass.

He had been home since about noon, waiting on a delivery AND it was payday...and no alcohol anywhere. I spent the night for the first time *contented sigh* and it was such a delight to wake up in his arms.

I decided against bringing up the topic - ok ok, call me chicken - but I want to let this ride and see if maybe it was just nerves before. While things are new and tender, I don't want to engage mouth before my brain is in gear!

[wildangel]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say 'good luck!'

I hope the sober streak continues and you are able gto have a wonderful life together!!

[Whippersnap]

Perhaps he read your post.

[CountryLover]

Nope, he's not a member here. I've invited both him and my girlfriend, but there's been some kinda technical glitch - their memberships haven't gone through.

Friday night was awesome and really lifted my heart.

The bubble burst Saturday night. We talked mid-day Saturday, very loving and hopeful for the future. He called me late Saturday night, exhuberant, talkative and.... drunk as a skunk. :( :(

Guess we're gonna have that talk after all.

[jedinudist]

I wish you the best of luck!

It appears you have already looked into your own heart and know that these two issues really must be resolved for your sake and the sake of your child. Be gentle, but firm. Let him know how much you care for him and offer to help (attend support groups, etc., if needed) but- - be firm.

My mother languished through two relationships with guys who kept promising to change their ways, but the never did. They simply went "underground" with them and this created allot more heartache and trouble than if they had simply remained friends and had not continued on with a relationship.

I hope this works out well for you~

[Mimi]

The bubble burst Saturday night. We talked mid-day Saturday, very loving and hopeful for the future. He called me late Saturday night, exhuberant, talkative and.... drunk as a skunk. :( :(

Guess we're gonna have that talk after all.

yes, you should. i wouldn't recommend waiting for him to see if he quits alcohol all of a sudden one day. this will keep going, and you will keep feeling disappointed. plan on a day to tell him, make plans for afternoon coffee or something where he will be relatively sober, and then take a deep breath....... and talk. who knows -- he might really listen to you and agree that he needs to take control of his drinking. but he also might not agree with you, but he will probably respect you for telling him what you really think. and you will respect yourself more for that.

good luck!!!!!!

mimi :flag1: