I need advice...

[ladykarma90]

I am a straight female who has been in a relationship for about a month, with a guy I've known for five years. I've been in love with him for a long time, and just recently he finally was willing to admit he loved me back. I moved back home from Arizona to be with him, gave up my new life there and everything. He's been talking about marriage and kids and the works and I've tried not to get my hopes up because I really do love him but I'm so afraid he's going to hurt me again. Well, here's the fun part...

I was going to log onto my email tonight and, not realizing he'd signed in on his earlier today, started going through emails. There was a private folder, and as I started to realize I wasn't signed into my email, I started getting curious about the folder. Yes, snooping is wrong and I shouldn't have done it. I got what was coming to me, I know. I found about a hundred links to conversations between him and men talking about sexual fantasies and meeting up. I saw no indications he had acted on these impulses, but they were obviously there.

I called him almost immediately, afraid to read more than I had, praying to God there was a reason for these emails. He started saying they were from a long time ago, and when I read him the dates he admitted that this had been going on starting about three months ago and up into our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against bisexual/gay relationships or sex. But it was a HUGE shock to me to find out the love of my life had been cybering with men, and sending pictures to them that he sent to me too!

I feel betrayed because before we started dating I told him he could tell me anything, and its true. It would have been so much easier for me if he had told me, instead of me finding out. He insists he isn't bi, and that he is so afraid this will screw up our relationship. He was crying and begging on the phone and all I could do was rock back and forth and cry. I want SOOO badly to be there for him and support him. I love him. He insists he wants me, and that he has confusing thoughts that he's trying to get rid of. But if he has these thoughts, the last thing he should do is pretend they don't exist.

I want to make a life with this man, I want to marry him, have his children. I know he loves me, and is sexually attracted to me. But five, ten, twenty years down the road? I can't live my life in fear of all of this resurfacing. I am begging you all, please give me some advice. Help me comfort him that I'm not judging him, that I don't love him any less. Tell me what to do, what to say, how to make this work any way I can... Please... I'm so scared I'm going to lose him.

[DuckiesDarling]

Welcome to the site but I feel a little confused by your post. You have known him for five years and have loved him for a long time but only recently he admitted to loving you back. But you are afraid he will hurt you again? He is talking permanence and you are thinking 20, 30 years down the line. Will you love him less in 20 years? What makes you think he will love you less?

As for his emails, perhaps he was just trying to understand his confused feelings. He is the only one who can decide if he straight, gay or bisexual.

All you can do is continue to be there for him, explain to him what you told us, that it doesn't make you love him any less. The key is communication but you have to be ready to actually listen to both what he says and what he doesn't say.

Hugs and good luck.

[Long Duck Dong]

take a very deep breath.... a very deep one.... relax and let the tears flow....

ok, hands you some tissues and a coffee.......

ok.... forget about the snooping aspect, maybe it was wrong, maybe it wasn't but thats past history, lets worry about you, my dear and your relationship and the confusion you are dealing with.....

ok.... what I will say, may help a lil.... but I am in no way defending his actions

cybering and cyber contact is a big part of the fantasy scene.... it doesn't mean that people are meeting up in real life for sex.... as some people never do that, they get off on the ideas and fantasies... the reality scares them shitless.....

now it is possible that what started out as a lonely man hooked on the thrill of cybering... has become something that has trapped him into a cycle that he could not break..... until you uncovered it......

that is aspects of our ( the bisexual world ) that is not generally seen .... to us we see them as the discreet, partner must not know, cyber chat dwellers that will never follow thru.....


that is what it appears to be on the surface as there is a number of links but no evidence of him actually hooking up......

I would suggest that you keep the info we share, under your hat so to speak.... as when you talk to him, you will be able to tell a lil better, what was motivating him.. as what he may not know... is that you are talking with us and now have support, help and added understanding

yes.. there is the possibility that he is a bisexual and that being caught out, has sent him into a tail spin and now he is scared you will tell the world....
so the best thing he can do with you... is be honest.......

if I was you, I would confront him using his fears and the info I have shared with you.... to get him to realise that you are not going to rip him a new asshole... but if he is not up and honest with you and willing to show you what he has been up to.... then a new asshole will be the least of his worries

we know the dating scene and cyber scenes well........ so if he shares the links and stuff with you.... we can tell you more about the places and give you a better range of info so you can make a informed decision about his level of honesty......

sadly our site lie detector was blown to hell by all the cheating hubbies in the site that were cheating on their partners and the site owner said that getting it fixed every day was expensive and a hassle...... so now... we rely on what you share and what your partner shares with you.... and our own intuition, knowledge and instincts.....

[runwildtonight]

Hi LadyKarma90,
it can be hard to find out that the person that you love is or could possibly be bisexual. It can also be hard when confronted about said sexually to admit it, especially right away. We (lgbt) sometimes spend our entire life keeping it a secret. It can take time to realize we can be open up and let others know our secret. I know that for me it took me a long time to admit to myself that I might be bi before I was able to share that information.

Sounds like your guy is trying to figure out some stuff. If you find that you think you can be okay with him being bisexual and still try to work things out with him, tell him so. Try to have an open conversation with him. Try not to put him on the defensive because you can push him to close up. Ask him what his intentions are. Does he feel like he needs to explore with guys? How do you feel about him exploring with guys? Realize that if you give him the opportunity to figure things out he may not return.

Your situation happens a lot here. We are always happy to help. I recommend that you keep visiting the site as you go along. Some couples join together to get answers, sometimes doing it on your own is better.

That all being said, if you happen to find it a turn on that he is bi (assuming he is) and the thought of him with another guy is something you enjoy then he is lucky as hell and you might be happy with the news when the dust settles. Just my 2 cents. Im sure you'll get more thoughts
*big hugs*

[runwildtonight]

Ohh I forgot to add. Don't get married until you both have fully resolved this. Don't think marriage will fix it. It needs to be dealt before complicating the matter further.

[ladykarma90]

I am a very open minded and accepting person, and as long as he's honest with me, which I believe he's willing to be, I'm sure we can work it out. I feel that if he has these thoughts, there must be something behind it and if I can help him work it out and discover who he really is, then I will. I'd rather give him up as a straight boyfriend so that he can be happy with who he is, but I don't think he wants to. I think he'd rather hold on to me, and I don't know if that's because he really loves me or if he's using me to feel straight. The emails and pictures were SOOO graphic, and because I was reading things written by my boyfriend, I was shaken up. I just don't know what to do or think or say to him right now. I don't know how I can ever let him touch me again, or hold me, without me thinking about this. I know how hard it is to open up at first about these things, especially in his position. But I still feel like my trust has been betrayed. I just want to do what's right for him, what will make him happy.

[tenni]

What I am picking up from your posts is that you are writing that you want to help him. What I am really picking up is that you can not help him until you help yourself by really resolving your fears. There are a lot of statements about helping him but not being able to accept him: not being able to accept him touching you without thinking about graphic same sex images that you saw in his computer. Well, I think that you need to come to terms with those images and either accept him doing those acts if you are going to continue a relationship with him or end the relationship. You may write all these words about helping him but you can not help him and not come to terms that he also will have sex with a man as well as you. Your fears about him not loving you in the future and that he may go with a man instead of you need to be dealt with. He may or he may love you for the rest of your life and have sex with a man as well. Don't expect him to be monogamous. He may but be prepared that he will have your permission to have sex with a man as well as yourself. If you can not, then end the relationship and be honest with yourself. He may even love you and love a man at the same time. He may only having sexual desires for a man and never have emotional attachment needs for a man. Your issues of feeling betrayed need to be resolved. Be more honest with yourself and stop trying to be a martyr of goodness and compassion.

[ladykarma90]

I understand where your coming from with that post, but I think you're being a little harsh. I WANT to accept him but its difficult... I want him all to myself. I love him. I WANT monogamy. Is it so wrong that I want him to love me and want to be with just me? That's not fair...

[AidanS57]

People do change as they grow older but it doesn't mean that if he is as invested in this relationship as he appears to be with the talk of marriage and children that he will wake up one day and decide he doesn't love you anymore after 20 years of shared tears, joys and other discoveries.

You and him have to work this out. Is he bi? Could be, could just be he is trying to find himself at a juncture in his life. You didn't mention age but it appears you are on the young side. The only thing you can do is talk to him and talk honestly about any fears you have. And this bisexual male doesn't think there is a damned thing wrong with wanting monogamy, but it has to be a mutual decision or you are just bound for heartache. :2cents:

Good luck

Aidan

[Long Duck Dong]

What I am picking up from your posts is that you are writing that you want to help him. What I am really picking up is that you can not help him until you help yourself by really resolving your fears. There are a lot of statements about helping him but not being able to accept him: not being able to accept him touching you without thinking about graphic same sex images that you saw in his computer. Well, I think that you need to come to terms with those images and either accept him doing those acts if you are going to continue a relationship with him or end the relationship. You may write all these words about helping him but you can not help him and not come to terms that he also will have sex with a man as well as you. Your fears about him not loving you in the future and that he may go with a man instead of you need to be dealt with. He may or he may love you for the rest of your life and have sex with a man as well. Don't expect him to be monogamous. He may but be prepared that he will have your permission to have sex with a man as well as yourself. If you can not, then end the relationship and be honest with yourself. He may even love you and love a man at the same time. He may only having sexual desires for a man and never have emotional attachment needs for a man. Your issues of feeling betrayed need to be resolved. Be more honest with yourself and stop trying to be a martyr of goodness and compassion.

if he can not be monogamous, than he needs to tell her that...... she wants commitment and if he can not deliever.... then he should not string her along...... so it goes both ways...

sighs..... tenni.... its not always * bisexual has the right of way * .... cos straights have rights in relationships too.....

[tenni]

I understand where your coming from with that post, but I think you're being a little harsh. I WANT to accept him but its difficult... I want him all to myself. I love him. I WANT monogamy. Is it so wrong that I want him to love me and want to be with just me? That's not fair...

Yes, I am being harsh and asking you to face reality. Talk to him. Give it a good amount of time but you can not help him without helping yourself first. Reflect on your desires for monogamy. Give it some time. Be real though and the reality is that if you demand monogamy he may or may not be able to give you that. He will probably not even be able to know whether he can be monogamous to you. He may say that he will but later in life not be able to do that. There are no guarantees but it is good that it is out in the open now. Couple counselling with a counsellor familiar and open to bisexuality is in order. You may not be his counsellor though as you have your own issues to resolve. I sense that you are really only open when it is more abstract than personally affecting you. That is ok too. With all of the openness and information on the internet, he may not even be bisexual but don't bet on that even if he says that he has changed his mind. Sexuality may be less rigid over time than you may think.

[**Peg**]

ladykarma

None of us comes into this world with a "guarantee" like a watch. Life is change and change is life.

Love him and support him - he may not have any answers yet. He may or may not find them. No matter what...if it doesn't work out, you will survive... and so will he.

best of luck to you both

[bizel]

hi lk, i sent you a pm advising you to take care of yourself and the possible ramifications of his exploring his sexuality. these are very real as i'm finding out myself. i thought i could just support my hubby, he'd come to realise he was bi the next week, and we could happily enjoy a more adventurous relationship and live happily ever after. dreams, huh!

if you are serious about your commitment to him, you will find plenty of support here. look, he may decide he's bi or even gay. or may be happy just looking at pictures and fantasising. he might not want to take it any further. he might though. i believe what we focus on becomes our goal. if he's focusing on these images, they are gaining strength in his fantasies, and there is a real possibility fantasies may become reality. you two need to discuss how far he needs to take it. if he's not sure, suggest things and try them out. if he needs to physically test the waters, you need to be ok with that. come back and talk to us when you know and we'll be here for you. i know you feel betrayed. but this is something so frightening to him, he probably couldn't be honest with himself, never mind the one woman he loves and is frightened of losing. to him, it was probably bigger than ben hur. now it's out, he'll feel a little relieved, but still uncertain. so i'm guessing both of you are confused and scared of where this will end. all the fears you mentioned, not wanting to share him, etc, they are genuine fears and no-one can give you a guarantee they won't become a reality. i'm going through all that myself at the moment. don't forget, he's got a lot of fears he's not talking about too. he's frightened he'll enjoy it too much (where would that leave you two), he's scared you'll reject him cos you'll find it revolting -that was one of my hubby's. there's plenty more in his head, i can guarantee you. don't think you've cornered the market on fear. all i can say is, if you genuinely love him and are committed to him, you two need to keep talking to find out where this will go. do not make any rash major decisions for a while. i would definitely not talk marriage at this time. if you're confused and feeling betrayed at this stage, don't throw a wedding and possible pregnancy into the mix. if i had been living under the same roof when hubby had first sex encounter with a man, a month ago, we would not be together today (actually, i'm still not sure if we are together today). he's so confused, he would have rejected me sexually and i would have reacted in hurt and walked away. that's an example of a bad rash major decision. as it is, he works away which is actually helping the situation cos of the type of bloke he is. mine won't talk, he wants to run and hide. when he was younger, he was such a terror he thumped and got thumped by crook cops. but with this being so personal and painful, he's scared stiff and wants to hide.

it's going to take communication, honesty, commitment, time, patience and one hell of a big box of tissues (aloe vera infused ones are great for continual dryness from blowing your nose). we will be here for you every step of the way. point him in our direction if he needs, and the guys here will guide him also. you two are not alone - remember that. this is the best place you could come for support. welcome to our on-line family. big hug, b.

[rabbit16]

Well, you need to just be VERY open with him about this and do more listening then talking and DON'T get married till this is FULLY worked out. I have been with my wife as a wife for 4 years and been with her for 7. We only recently have talked about 3somes to get things started. And she is even ok with me being with another man just as long as emotionally I am there for her. Each relationship is different. You just have to lay down the rules of what you won't accept. Sex is taboo to talk about in our society and bisexual/gay is even more taboo. It is kind of unfair that if a woman is gay or bi that that is considered hot but a guy gay/bi isn't. Thankfully my wife was understanding and is willing to someday let me test the waters just as long as I stay hers. And she is willing to test the waters with another female as well. We are very open minded and that is all you can try to be. Now, just because someone is bi doesn't mean they can't be faithfull in their relation ship nor are they attracted to every man just like they aren't to every woman.

[ballerbeauty]

it's a very good thing you read thosse emails.... yes snooping is wrong, but sooner or later you had to find out. now it's no reason to freak out, especially if your not against bisexuality even if you not bi yourself. you have nothing to worry about in the future if u choose to get married. Cheaters cheat, reguardless of sexual orentation; so that you won't have to worry about. TALK ABOUT IT WITH HIM. before you get married, have a real heart to heart with him. communication is the biggest thing. you seem very in love with this man, and if he feels the same way, go for it. just work on coming to terms with this shock, become okay with it (before you get married) and if you can accept it, start planning your future. my biggest advice is try everything the two of you can to work through this before anyone calls it quits.

[void()]

Apologies if I come late and brandish scalpels with all due reckless abandon. Me and the wife were married five years. She knew beforehand I'm bisexual and capable of loving more than one person. Folks call it what they will for they shall. I like Peg's way of saying it, life is change and change is life. :)

To that I personally amend family is life, life is family. I stayed faithful, 100% to my wife for five years and would have remained so. She was insecure, like yourself. I explained and demonstrated no desire to ever leave her. We've a humble rule, "I always come home to you." We've no incline to destroy us.

In the long and short it boils down to honest, open communication. Be mature and respectful. Be willing to compromise at the time, then later on. My wife has gone out at times I've thought inopportune, to see guys. Why should I be the only one to have a little fun? ;) But we compromise, we live, learn and grow. If you are unable to do that, forget marriage, forget living even. As I said, scalpels.