If only I knew then...

[mikey3000]

Maybe it's just a mid life crisis, or maybe the winter hs got me down, but lately I've been reflecting on my life and wondering what would I do differently. Has anyone else done this lately? I've really felt like I'm missing out on so much this world has to offer. Lately I feel all I am is a cash machine for my family. I bring home the $$ for them to blow indiscriminately and I get what ever's left, usually nothing. I know, I know, that's the job of being a father and a husband, but aren't I entitled to anything? I buy my wife the new cars and I get the clunkers. I buy all the the girls new clothes, and they end up on the floor. Jewellery? Broken and in a drawer. Nice furniture and all the nice conveniences? a nice house? All burned up. Geez, I've never really even left North America yet I paid for two trips to Europe for my wife. I stayed home.

I haven't really lived. Big deal, she lets me have a boyfriend, who lives a thousand miles away. I never see him. So Now I'm wondering. Is this my fate? Work like a dog to give them all I can, then I die. I think it is.

If I knew then what I know now, what would I do differently? Man, where do I start!

I wish I joined the navy like I wanted to as a teen. I would have seen the world, got a better education, and not have married so young. Maybe I wouldn't feel as trapped as I do today. Maybe my life would be totally different.

Would you do anything differently?

[DuckiesDarling]

Hugs you and hands you a nice big cup of coffee for now, I'll post more later when my brain is actually working.

[bizel]

i have no regrets. everything i've been through - good and bad, has got me where i am and made me who i am. i basically like who i am. more money might ease financial worries, but ultimately wouldn't make me happier, wouldn't make my situation better. being beautiful, slimmer, all superficial. i'm healthy, basically happy (having my moments at the moment tho), and not lying in a hospital bed. life is good. there are people out there who'd love to have my problems.

sounds like you're just going through 'the grass is greener'. if you're not happy at moment, mikey, make plans with wife to go on local holiday - road trip, or go to camping ground, hire house at beach. give you and wife and kiddies great memories that don't cost a lot of money, but something you can all look back on with a smile. years down the track, you'll only remember the good times and not how much things cost. i have the greatest childhood memories of mum and us kids driving in her volkswagen to our beach bach at waitarere, and living at the beach. sunburn, sand fights, finding pipis, shell collecting, driftwood creations, sandcastles, exploring the shipwreck. always looked forward to a new bucket and spade. mum built the bach, four basic walls, bunks, shower at the door, really basic - we didn't even have a telly. never were inside long enough for tv. we were too busy being creative. actually, all my best memories are of doing stuff that cost nothing. building crappy cubby houses, drawing, exploring the bush. lovely.

at that same time, we were physically, sexually abused by father, parents separated, relatives and church turned on us, mum had breakdown, her addiction to prescription drugs, remember her begging me for permission to kill herself when she went coldturkey. i've done things i'm not proud of to get the result i needed. but from all that, i remember the happy times. and wouldn't change a thing. there's no guarantee another path would have been any easier, or made me the happy bunny i am today. hang in there, mikey. focus on what you have and can do. don't focus on what you haven't got, and may have missed. your family are at least healthy. start creating happy memories with them to get you through next winter.

[tenni]

Mikey
On one hand, it sounds like you have the Canuck January winter blahs plus maybe the time to reflect on your life as we all do. In Canada, we are physically affected by the lack of sunlight if we are not careful. We may all take time to look at the glass as half empty at times. I know or believe that is not the real Mikey though.

As far as stating that you haven't really lived, you have. We each take certain paths and do not know where they will lead us. Once we take a certain path, it can become difficult to change to another path but it isn't impossible.....depending upon our real desires. Once we take a path, there is no real benefit in self reflection and "wishing" without doing something about it. You are correct though that your life may have been different. However, what you may not be giving enough significance to at the moment may have become a major "wish". You win some. You lose some.

We'll talk ;):)

[**Peg**]

...On one hand, it sounds like you have the Canuck January winter blahs plus maybe the time to reflect on your life as we all do. In Canada, we are physically affected by the lack of sunlight if we are not careful...

amen to that....

blah in the flatlands of EO :(

[djones]

This one's for you - says it all : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--HaFAtC17U

[Arthas]

I'm only 20 and most of you will say that I barely started to live and that I'm already complaining, but not everyone is good at anything. The same applies to your perception of things. It will pass.

I try to maintain "positive zero". I'm not sure will someone understand this expression, it's literally translated from Croatian. It's state of anything which is positivelly neutral, for example, you have accident, everyone's ok, but car is demolished and after all expenses, you don't have any money and car but everyone's ok. That is somewhere you are.

This is worst state in which you want to be. Note "want" instead of can.

I can't say that I have problems which are really serious, but still, I'm in a shaky position. I'm in a college, going first year second time and I have failed a subject twice so I can't go this anymore and have to change my general direction. I suck at it horribly. I can't get a decent job. My worst mistakes was letting my parents decide for me so I don't care about everything. I always do things that other people do. I lack decision.

My mother haven't talk to me in months and I'm fine with that, she changed a lot and she's not mother I used to have. My father is killing himself with work and extra shifts to pay for everything. I feel guilty for both.

My brother is tougher allthough he's younger, he'll survive. My grandma suffered a lot and I help her whenever I can, but I'm in another part of country most of the time.

Family is falling apart, college is not for me, can't get a job, mental and behavioral issues make me hate people (at least outside of the bed) etc...

But change is coming. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe in several years. Maybe never. I don't think about it.

Depression grows from idleness. I do dozens of things to keep me occupied. Find some thing(s) you'll like doing.

[DuckiesDarling]

Mikey,

I have had several times in my life when things happened and caused me to re-evaluate where I was in life and what I could have done differently. I finally realized the answer is NOTHING. Because then I wouldn't be me. Your experiences in life make you who you are, you are having a really rough time now for a variety of reasons and it can drag on a person's soul.

There are many times we regret in life but we have but one life to live, and you must say at this point you have lived. You have left your mark, if you were gone tomorrow you have beautiful kids to pass on your genes. You have a wife that would mourn your passing. You have friends here who would miss the fuck out of you.

So take a deep breath and think of something good, the first smile from your oldest, the way the cat purrs just for you, the time you danced in the rain or the time you wished the world away for just one more minute alone with your wife.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBf7uh8jYfw

[jem_is_bi]

I have been through early, mid, and late life crisis and some others that were actually important. All I know is that when you have to abandon all you have and change the whole directiion of your life, that is a crisis! So, I recommend something less drastic that improves on what you have that is good.

[Long Duck Dong]

mikey, if I had a song for you.... I quess it would be california dreaming by the mamas and papas....

I know and understand what you are saying...... you look back over your life and realise that for all the experiences and sum of your existence..... it comes down to a handful of memories and achievements......

would I have changed anything in my life and done it differently ????

hell, I don't know..... most likely I would have been lifer army, serving in irag, kuwait, afghanistan, the cook islands etc......doing what I know best..... kicking ass and chewing bubble gum and I hate bubble gum..... and most likely SAS or black hats ( spec ops )

I do not belong in normal life.... amongst people... cos in all honesty... people are so contradictory, so confusing.... and so full of emotions, desires and needs, that they become twisted....... even DD will tell you that I often refer to people as humans.... and that I feel like a alien at times.....

even now that I have DD in my life.. there are times that I long for army life, to be back out there in the bush, away from normal living and life, and my world would be a scope and a barrel, peaceful and serene......

strangely enuf you put most people in the bush like that, they go mad... there is no constant distractions, no stress, no pressure, no love, no sex, no swinging, no bisexuality, no forums, no blogs, no pay check, no 9 to 5 job, no schools, no kids, no mortgage, no gas, no cars, no cops, no tv, no net...... and they can not handle it.....

ironic isn't it that a lot of what we feel, upsets us, harms us, makes us laugh and smile..... is what we can not live without... yet we struggle to live with those things....

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

There have been SO many times that I have thought about this...usually after a particularly hard day when life just seems to suck big time.
If I had lived my life differently: If I could somehow go back and change everything that I had done back then. Change it so "I" have the advantages this time., Change myself, re-invent myself. Would life have been different, better? If I could go back in time, and retain all of the knowledge that I have now, I would have more'n likely excelled in school, could have done more to help my Mother by tutoring other kids my age and older so she wouldnt have had to work 16 hours a day to just keep food on the table. I could have charged for typing out papers and doing homework for the snotty, rich kids to help my Mom. I could have gotten a part time job to be able to buy proper clothes, and never even Look at a Goodwill or Salvation Army ever again for clothes. K-Mart would have been my friend! lol I could have not walked home the same way the day the rape of my cousin and I took place at 12 years old. I wouldnt have all the scars on my body from a dirt claw from that rape.

I could have been smart and used my brain instead of thinking with my libido and not have gotten pregnant with my oldest Daughter at 16.
I could have prevented that by never meeting her Father in the first place.
I would have known that you cant exist on red beans and potatoes if you want to keep your weight at a proper level.
I could have applied to be a Teacher's Aide and excellerated my grades that way, could have maybe skipped a grade or two. But most importantly, I would hqve gone thru school and did what "I" wanted to do and not have to drop out of school to get married because I was stupid, and thought only with my hormones at the time. I had a larger responcibility to take care of...I had a baby on the way and her welefare was more important than my own wants and needs. And the two that came after her at 17, and 18. I Damn sure wouldnt have been in a loveless and sexually deprived, abusive 30 year marriage, either!
I could have learned a trade and gotten an excellent job that provided enough money to be able to get out of that rambled down shack that my Mom could afford and into a decent house. I could have gotten a decent job and had a great life, single and persuing MY American dream. I could have made sure my family was healthier and better cared for. Set Mom up in a place of her own, just her and my little sis who had Downs Syndrome. I could have had my Own place and developed a Lifestyle of My choosing instead of having it chosen For me....Life would have certainly been different, and probably better. I might not have worked in the Veterans hosp to get my humanities for the college education and degree that I hold now. I wouoldnt have helped all of those Veterans and their families that I have in my life. I may have had some Corporate Secretarys job for a high raking official..who knows.
But..........

If I had had that life I might not be the strong, determined person that I am now. I might have the personality that I have now. I would have never passed all of the people that has touched my life in one way or another, and by that I mean I have had brushes with people from this very site in my life before coming here. We didnt know each other back then, until we found each other Here and discovered that we had been close to each other, and never knew it.
I would have never had my kids, and now my Grand Kids, and I would have never found the lifestyle that I live and love now, nor would I have found al of you. And that saddens me immensely.
So....I guess I was on the Path I was meant to be on after all.
I am here, and do think on how it "Could" have been, but then I wouldnt be the me I am now if I hadnt gone through all of that to get to where I am now.
Its nice to think about now and then, but I had made peace with the past a long time ago, and I'm ok where I am now. I'm here, and I'm Me.
Yer Cat

[bizel]

oh cat, you crack me up. red beans and potatoes??? don't stand downwind. still chuckling. and with all that ick stuff, you still turned out unique and special. i think you're lovely. big hug, you gorgeous creature.

[mikey3000]

I guess I have to learn that I am exactly where I am meant to be. WE all are I guess, and must work with the cards we are dealt. Thx all.

[AidanS57]

I don't know ya, Mikey, but I can sympathize with you. Reading the posts on this helped me as well.

Good luck, dude.

Aidan

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol Ty Biz. And Mikey-honey, look what all you have been through, but you are still on This side of the daisies, and thats a fantastic place to be, Babydoll. And my condolences for being in an all female house hold..:}:bigrin:
Big hugz Babe,
Yer Cat

[darkeyes]

lol Ty Biz. And Mikey-honey, look what all you have been through, but you are still on This side of the daisies, and thats a fantastic place to be, Babydoll. And my condolences for being in an all female house hold..:}:bigrin:
Big hugz Babe,
Yer Cat

Nowt wrong livin in an all female household.. me luffs it...;):bigrin:

[tenni]

darkeyes
Wouldn't you have to do a little shifting in order to understand Mikey's perspective re: being male in an all female household?

I mean, you would have to be the only female in an all male household to make a comparison between your "situation" and Mikey's? To be in a household of the same gender may have a different set of factors regardless of the gender?;)

[_Joe_]

Sounds like we got some stuff in common.

Let me give you my mantra

"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"

You have a wife who loves you and kids. Those could be what you would be craving bigtime if you went the other path, and be asking yet the same question "What if I did things different"

Be happy with what you have. Many don't have what you got in the first place, and many can't even keep it that long.