Bad clean jokes...:}

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

A couple was driving home one cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was. She said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "Okay, get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

"Just hold its nose", he replied.

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat the shit out of him died at the scene.

RIP Little Budy......:bigrin:

[Long Duck Dong]

roflmao..... that is one of the best jokes I have heard in a long time.....ROFLMAO

DD is telling me that she can just see me saying something like that to her..... cos I often say something with out thinking......

bit like the time she told me to bite her ass and without thinking, I said, what continent.......

[AidanS57]

Knowing DD, I'm surprised you are still alive :bigrin:

ROFLMAO Cat.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Duck, I wuda bopped you into next week!..lol I used to tell my friend Ki "Oh bite my butt" and one day he did! In Public! Just bent down when I wasnt expecting it and bit my left cheek hard enough to make me EEEPP! in the big middle of Wal-Mart. I dont tell him that no more......:rolleyes:.
Laughing Cat

[BiJoe696]

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By John Cleese


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate."
Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Diva667]

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore...

[lizard-lix]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret... after all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

[mikey3000]

Three 5th graders, an Irish kid, Italian kid and a newfie kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game.

"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be out done, the newfie kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the newfie kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... And during recess, my friends and I played 'The weenie game'."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"We whipped out our weenies and mine was the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a newfie. Is that true Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

[chapear]

Omg thanks for the great laughs y'all.

[taz321]

free haircuts,

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day, the priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God's work" The next day the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused the pay saying "you serve the public" The next day the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut and again the barber refused payment saying"You serve the justice system". The next day the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting at his door for a free haircut! :bigrin:

[DuckiesDarling]

An oldie but a goodie...

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!" ...

[orallybi4cpl]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked one of her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

The teacher fainted..

[Northerner]

In Newfoundland this would be "mainlander" joke:

A furniture salesman from Newfoundland decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for awhile, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered supper, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, he has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.

[lizard-lix]

In yesterday’s stock market news, helium was up, feathers were down, and
paper was stationery. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost
a few points, and hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while
escalators continued their slow decline. In heavy trading, weights were
up but light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom while
diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday, but Coca Cola
fizzled and Sun Maid Raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

[NotLostJustWandering]

A competition is declared to see who has the best secret service: the USA, Russia, or Egypt. Agents gather in a forest and release a rabbit, the challenge being to see who can retrieve the animal first.

After an hour, the CIA return to the starting point, rabbit in hand. By sundown, the KGB have returned as well, admitting that having failed to find the rabbit, they figured the CIA got it first.

Everyone waits for the return of the Egyptian Secret Service. They camp out all night, wait another day, and then decide to go looking for the Egyptians. Soon the sound of tortured braying leads them to a spot where the Egyptians have a donkey tied to a tree and are whipping it mercilessly.

"Confess! Confess!" the Egyptians scream. "You're a rabbit!"

[stungun]

A man and a woman marry at Niagra Falls.
Excited, they embark in their car on their honeymoon.
The man asks his new wife what she wants to do more than anything. She replies, "I want you to kiss me where it smells."
So he drove her to Cleveland.

[codybear3]

A Buddist Monk walks up to a New York hotdog
vendor and tells him, "Make me one with everything..." :bigrin::paw::paw:

[sailor696]

Mickey Mouse says to Mini Mouse " i want to devorce". She says " are you fucking crazy ? "
No i'm fucking Daisy !!!

[taz321]

Minnie Mouse says to Mickey Mouse I want a divorce, Mickey says are you fucking crazy and she says no I am fucking goofy

[lizard-lix]

Q and A

Q How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

Q. How do you get holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.

Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A. "Dam."

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.

Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A. Nacho Cheese.

Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?
A. Subordinate Clauses.

Q. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A. Quatro sinko.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a
tree would kill you?
A. A pool table.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A. They all have phones.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. Because they have big fingers.

Q. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer?
A. The taste.

Q. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A. A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

Q. What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A. They're hiring.

Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A. Sanka.

Q. What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?
A. Iceberg

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ohh Lix, that was great. Thank you to all who added on goodies. Write on! :}
Cat

[raistkit]

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By John Cleese


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate."
Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

loved it

[dman82]

What do you get when you cross a cocker-spanol and a maltise?
A cock-tease.

What do you get when you cross a bull dog with a shitzu?
A bullshitter.

How many mice does it take to scew in a light bulb?
2 But how'd they get in there.

A priest, a rapeist, and a pedofile walk into a bar, and thats just the first person.

[Hephaestion]

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

Johnny replies "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[BiJoe696]

Bump:



REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
http://us.mg1.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f135345%5fAKfuXkIAASoJ UIfdNACRXHvFVDA&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[BiJoe696]

My darling husband,



Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the
pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming
home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead
of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XOXOXO














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http://us.f394.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f136531%5fAAzvXkIAAIWd UIfeBwK4ghDIWN0&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL


P.S. Your girlfriend called

[pepperjack]

Q: What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a computer?

A: A fucking know-it-all!

[ThatGuyNextDoor]

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm
tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to
the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a
good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college
and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's
that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed
eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed
eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a
yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a
house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically
have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because
you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a
wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a
heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I
have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the
Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his
classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and
Logic.

'Logic? ' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give
you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'You're a queer ain't ya?.'