spark of desperation

[bizel]

yes, i'm back with the continuing saga of our drama. i'm sorry if this bores some of you but it's very real for us, and i really need advice for hubby.

he rang this morning feeling desperate. he is in so much pain he said it would be easier to jump off a bridge. i don't think he would (course, you never know), but i know he's hurting bad. he is so worried he may not want sex with a woman again, he's so worried he's gonna hurt me, he can't understand what's happening to him, he won't see a counsellor cos he doesn't want anyone to know what's in his head, he's worried he may not want me afterwards and it's tearing him apart. he said he always used to be such an easygoing bloke, now he's just a mess. and of course, he's stuck in the middle of these bloody floods in queensland, and being claustraphobic isn't helping. shut in is shut in.

he had phoned yesterday and i was going through my own crisis, in tears over missing him and mum with her dementia etc. i told him i could imagine he's crying either outwardly in private, or deep inside. i told him the fear was natural, but we have to do this anyway. this change was not going away. i told him i had joined an alternate path web thing and they had sent something with the seven stages you go through e.g. denial etc. i told him we were only up to stage 2, long way to go. but i wasn't going anywhere. i was going to stand by him, irreguardless of end result.

he now says he's thinking of travelling to darwin for work, then over to west aust. and maybe down south aust. i told him that sounds like he's running away to the furthest part of aust. (he did that before when he was in an accident that killed his best mate). he agreed, it probably was a factor.

i don't know how to help him see clearly cos i don't really know what he's going through. i need guys who have gone through this, who wondered if they were gay, to later find they weren't or were, to share how they dealt with this. how long did it take? was there some moment when it became clear?how did their wives help them? is this always so difficult? does everyone end up going through this? is there anything more i can do to help him before he does something regrettable? one person has already suggested he may be feeling terribly guilty cos i'm so nice. and when i think of it, that does match up with a few of his comments, not wanting to hurt me. tell me how to be un-nice while still caring like crazy. could it also be that guys aren't into their emotions, that they need facts to deal with? if that's the case, what facts helped you guys??? anything anyone can suggest would be appreciated. feel free to p.m. me if you wish. i don't care how lame, stupid you think it may come across. i'm beyond all that. i just want him safe, gay/not gay (don't care by now), happy again. please.......

[bizel]

he's just rung again, and said he doesn't think i've fully accepted the situation. he said how could he be in a relationship with me and have a gay parnter around the corner? i'll be ripped off, the gay partner will be ripped off. i can't put my life on hold while he figures himself out, and if we even have a future. i told him that sounded like he wanted to end the relationship. he said no, not at all. he said he just didn't want to short-change me. he couldn't see it working. he doesn't know what he is. how can he give me what i need? what if he doesn't want sex with a woman again?

are these all common fears that every 'bi' guy had when they were married and coming out? i've tried to tell him that until he knows what he is, no-one can say whether we'll be together or not. i've told him there are plenty of guys on this site who have been through that and come out the other side still in their relationships. that we can together enjoy a third party, who may be married himself and not want to end his relationship. he's still worried that maybe the 'gay partner' may want more from him, and he may want more from the 'gay partner' and i don't deserve that. i told him, crossing bridges before he's even got to it. we'll deal with that when it happens. from what i've read, some guys go through patches of wanting more on 'gay' side, then wanting more on 'straight' side. is that accurate? does that happen often or depending on the guy?

[onewhocares]

Bizel,

First I think that your husband has one very special thing going for him that many men do not. He has a terriffic wife who loves him. Loves him enough to want him to experiance something which he feels he must, and a woman who is willing to stand by his side on this new journey in his life. Not all men are that lucky. It is NOT easy, and the tears and torment are hard for both partners. There is always the scaryness of what if.....on both sides. But I have to believe that the love you two have is great enough to work through this new part of your lives together.

I encourage all here who have faced this situation to share their experiences.

I know for Bill and I, as much as I loved him, I had to let him go to experience a man again in his life. I did not want him to live his life always wondering what if.....On the flip side, he has had to live with frustration of seeing me sad at times when things do not go as planned. I know it hurts so much right now but it will get better. One of the BEST things that you two have going is that you are communicating. That is the key in my opinion.

Belle

[mikey3000]

Bizel,

No, it's not easy for either of you. He must be so confused right now and doesn't know which end is up. And for you, being so patient and understanding makes it hard for him too. He is so conflicted and doesn't want to hurt you at all but is afraid he might. I know what it's like, really I do.

Because this is all new to him, he wants to experience it all with a man. It's new and exciting. If it's just a physical need, then it will subside somewhat once he acts on it. For other guys, it's more of an emotional need, needing to love and be loved by another guy. That is a little more complicated. He has to figure out if he can carry on with a woman only, woman and a man, or a man only. It is very difficult for all of you. You have done such a great job at supporting him, you really have, but somethings he has to figure out on his own too. You can try to guilt him into staying with you, but do you really want him that way? Of course not. Give him the strength to choose his own path and hopefully it will lead back to you.

Dear girl, I wish I could be more help to you, but at present I too am very conflicted over this point. I married my best friend and I love my wife so dearly, I really do, and I'll never leave her, but sometimes my cravings for male affection are so strong, I wonder if I'm lying to myself. But they pass, or I bury them, and carry on with my life. I realise that I'm ok after I get my dose of man, and am ok for months. Then WHAM! I need it again. I have no exlaination for it. I wish I did.

[bizel]

dear mikey, i'm so sorry. i didn't realise you were still conflicted by this yourself. it must make it very hard for you to read my posts cos you probably see your wife in them.

if she's anything like me with hubby, she loves you deeply, and some of you is better than none of you. i have read where guys go through phases of wanting more men, then wanting more women. don't be too hard on yourself. i imagine you wife would find some distraction to help her through the 'wanting men' phase. yes, it's not ideal, but no relationship is ideal. nothing is perfect. if your wife wants something different, she'll let you know. have you discussed that with her. does she know? or are you persecuting yourself in private?

i understand he needs time and space to explore. it's just his phone calls tear at me. i'm the only person he talks to about this, and i love that he feels safe to express himself to me. i must try to emotionally separate myself from them cos they are just his thoughts. actually, one thing i noticed with him over the years is that, things he says that make my stomach knot, very rarely come to fruition. only problem with that is, i felt that way with mum and she's going down the gurgler sooner rather than later. life can be crap!!! wish i had a magic ball to help us all. big hug, b

[Plumhead2]

I think that the best thing you could do would be to urge him strongly to see a bi/gay supportive professional counselor. Yes, he is afraid of letting someone else know what is in his head, but counselors hold everything in confidence and the good ones are not judgmental. He needs someone who is not involved in your relationship; someone who is able to calm him down with objective facts and strategies. Once he understands himself clearly and sees his options, he can deal with the relationship with you in a clear way. Confusion happens, but not dealing with confusion is inexcusable. In a relationship, you have to put your best foot forward, and using confusion to hold off finding which foot is your best one, can only lead to hurt for him and you. Wallowing in confusion is not helpful and can be destructive. If he has any thoughts about killing himself, the situation is at the point where he needs some professional help. Please try to convince him to seek it for your sake as well as his.

[mikey3000]

dear mikey, i'm so sorry. i didn't realise you were still conflicted by this yourself. it must make it very hard for you to read my posts cos you probably see your wife in them.

if she's anything like me with hubby, she loves you deeply, and some of you is better than none of you. i have read where guys go through phases of wanting more men, then wanting more women. don't be too hard on yourself. i imagine you wife would find some distraction to help her through the 'wanting men' phase. yes, it's not ideal, but no relationship is ideal. nothing is perfect. if your wife wants something different, she'll let you know. have you discussed that with her. does she know? or are you persecuting yourself in private?

i understand he needs time and space to explore. it's just his phone calls tear at me. i'm the only person he talks to about this, and i love that he feels safe to express himself to me. i must try to emotionally separate myself from them cos they are just his thoughts. actually, one thing i noticed with him over the years is that, things he says that make my stomach knot, very rarely come to fruition. only problem with that is, i felt that way with mum and she's going down the gurgler sooner rather than later. life can be crap!!! wish i had a magic ball to help us all. big hug, b

No, your posts don't bother me at all. I enjoy them. But a few points for me... I don't want more men, then more women. I just want one of each, and I got that. And believe me, she doesn't need a distraction when I'm with my guy. Luckily we discovered that my wife is totally aroused by man on man sex, and encourages it. Actually she loved my guy friend and he just adores her too. It's a really weird situation, but it works for us.

It's me that sometimes has the issues with it, cause never in a million years did I ever think that we'd be in a poly situation, and because I have small kids (whom he adores too, and they him), it can get very complicated. But, no, my wife is fine with it. Sometimes it's just me.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Biz-honey. You may need to do a little "Tough Love" with him. Tell him altho you love him unconditionally, and support his move, maybe its just time for him to find a lover and get down to the experimenting. The only way he is ever going know about his cravings is to act on them, and see if thats what he really wants/needs. Right now you've got enough on your plate trying to take care of your Mom the best way you know how, and he isnt helping the situation any.
I'm not trying to sound mean, or unfeeling, but maybe its time for him to just get on with it and see once and for all if thats what he truly needs. :}
Hugs Babygirl
Cat