First Time Nervousness, STD's?

[sugarlandian]

Ok, let me throw it out there.

I've got my bi-side, something I've known since I was a kid. My *two* contacts were limited to a) an adult bookstore oral fest when I was in my early twenties, and b) one mutual masturbation session about five years ago. After both events, I was TERRIFIED I had contracted an STD (or worse) and spent time fretting, then getting tested....and all was OK.

I've been married a long time, and as I get along in years, I'm afraid that I'll one day look back on life and say "damn, I never did get to try that....", so one of the items in my bucket list is to find a guy to play with.

Here's the dilemma: Again, I'm scared of STD's. I even found one guy recently, we hit it off, had coffee, then agreed to meet later. He assured me he was STD free....but I just couldn't go through with it.

Am I being silly? I don't want to screw/be screwed, I simply wanna be naked with another guy, explore, massage, touch, and have lots of oral sex.

How do the rest of you handle these concerns? Required testing? Or, should I trust the guy I'm chatting with/finally met if he says he too is DDF?

Thanks folks for your thoughts.

SL

[Realist]

In this day and age, it's smart to be cautious. And, I understand that many don't conduct themselves this way, but this is my policy:

I will never be intimate with anyone I don't know well and trust. In early 2008, I began a relationship with a fellow I'd known for years, but I refused to do anything with him until we had paperwork proving we both were clean.

It had been 15 years since I was with a male and my friend had broken up with a lover a couple of years before. But, we began with a clean bill of health and none of the worries like you harbored after your encounters.

I know that takes a lot of spontaneity out of things, but it was worth it for the peace of mind. I also have a wonderful lover who is bisexual. too.....she is just as cautious.

I'm no longer with the guy, but we parted ways knowing we were healthy and with no baggage.

[onewhocares]

If you would like to develop a friendship with benefits with this fellow, BOTH of you go and get tested for ALL STD's. Playing safe, for the protection of each of you and your respective partners is key. If you are so so worried you will not enjoy yourself. Nothing is perfectly safe except abstinence, you can only make that choice.

Belle

[jem_is_bi]

I understand how getting along in years brings on fears that one day you will look back with great regret that your compelling craving for sexual fulfillment was not, and no longer can be, meet. I have been bisexual all my life but was comfortable suppressing my desire to be with another man until “the passage of years” brought on the fears of undone deeds and unfulfilled desires.
So, I began to search for the perfect one to fill my needs. As I searched, it was relatively easy to observe and learn about those who practiced sex with reckless abandon. Then, there were all the rest like me, without a death wish, but knowing there was always some risk. Eventually, I found a man that more than fulfills my sexual desires and has been my partner for 5 years. I have had and been treated for an STD, contracted in my youth from a woman, before he and I meet. So, is either, he or I perfect for each other?
I do not know how to help with your fears that inhibit your ability to truly enjoy sex with another man. Certainly, it would be unwise to have sex without caution as others have posted here.
However, for me, not just in matters of sex, I am content to live my life with some risk.
I have always planned and lived my life in a manner that minimized risk. Still bad things happened that changed my life, but not always for the worse.
When, I was 30, I almost died. In the blink of an eye I went from the peak of perfect health to a breath away from the end of my existence. So, even death can be uncertain.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

The unwalked path is the one left unexplored. Or in plain english, how are you going to experiance something if you're too scared to try? You may be missing out of the greatest experiance of your whole life. You'll never know if you dont Try. A person can stay safe by being smart and playing safe, its that easy. Use condoms Always. I'll tell you like I told all of my kids: Go out and explore, have fun, but be safe. :}
Cat

[bh2_guy]

I know its easy to say but the underlying problem here (for me) is the fact your married (and I assume) not being honest with your wife ? If you were honest with her and she was ok with your Bi side you could both discuss what you are happy with and the potential consequences.

You cannot be 100% sure of anyone so you either have to accept some of the risks and get checked regularly or consider if its worth it in the first place ?

Having had a partner who contracted an STD and being checked myself and not having it I can tell you its a horrible experience both physically and emotionally when you know you have been put at risk by someone else and there a good chance it could ruin your relationship.

Get yourself educated on the STD's you are likely to come into contact with and the relevant symptoms remembering that some dont always have symptoms, get tested regularly

[tenni]

Since you do not plan on intercourse and only want to do less high risk activity, take some time to look into the risks of each activity. A lot will state that oral sex is far less risky than anal sex but some argue that there is a risk. Look into this discussion/debate about oral sex and HIV. Abstinence is the only safe sex and that is true but difficult for a bisexual man in your position to go with. It may or may not be worth it but you do only have this one life and as some have stated some risk may be needed for you to do this before you die etc.

In all honesty, discussing this with your partner is the best route but lots of bimen will not/can not do this for a wide variety of reasons. Eventually, you should disclose to her though as her life is also involved. That argument hopefully does not take over this thread.

The question is what should this man do that is low risk. Oral sex with a condom lowers the risk but wtf kind of fun is that?...lol Body contact, and hand jobs may work for you. Maybe finding another guy that you like and trust may be the first step. Exploring low risk sexual activity with him is the next step. Just being comfortable being naked with another guy and having a drink can be erotic and especially if you can chat with him about all kinds of things sexual or non sexual. Wanking with him..exploring his body as he explores your body, body contact are all lower risk activity imo. Sitting facing each other your legs over his and wanking can be fun..moving closer so that your sacs touch can be hot...eventually leading to mutual jerking..all without cumming on each other. Two penis rubbing together is rather low risk and a lot of fun especially if you like each other. I've found that olive oil is a kewl lube for frot (two penis rubbing or wrapping both of your hands around the two penis and stroking) and edible when /if you move towards oral sex..:) Being with him as he has an orgasm can be great and him being there for you as you cum. One of the hottest intimate time was when a close on going bud put his fingers between my thigh and scrotum as I wanked and came. It felt so intimate and yet it was only my own cum that touched my body. If he is into it and you too, him leaning over and kissing you at that moment of orgasm can be really fulfilling especially if his hand is where I mentioned(well at least for me ;). The naked intimacy factor can be really hot but you will have to decide what your needs are. As you get to know him and trust him move cautiously into oral sex. Work it out with him and stay away from one night stands. Build a trust factor with the other man. He may lie but look carefully into it and make the best decision that you can. Finding an on going buddy is best imo.

I would suggest that you go for it and yes you are being too paranoid but only if you take part in low risk activity. Find out what those activities are and make your decisions.

[slipnslide]

The comments seem pretty consistent. Get to know your buddy to the point that you trust they're clean, and even then, for riskier activity use a condom. Oral is low to negligible risk for HIV, still a risk for bacterial STIs, only hand is safe.

Don't rush into anything and you shouldn't freak out.

[ashleycd]

finding someone willing to be tested first seems like a hard sell. I've floated that a couple of times and got the "wtf?" treatment.

[Long Duck Dong]

simple advice..... minimise the risk and minimise the fear

you can minimise the risks to 0.00001% but there is still the risk...... and even celibacy and abstinence is no guarantee of safety as you can still pass some infections from person to person without sexual contact

so, there is no 100% safe way of being, there is only effective and proactive risk management....

one of the most dangerous infections is that of herpes as a carrier of herpes will often never know they have herpes, and it will not always show up in a std test.... and while you can suppress it with meds, its a life time virus......
the trouble there is that you can be confirmed std free by a expert and still spread it......

so my friend, simply, use flavoured condoms and dental dams for oral sex, etc.... if you want to be extremely proactive and safe.....

I talk about the 50/50 factor... its the either you get it or you don't aspect of stds etc...... but that appears to everything including the common cold.....and winning the lottery..... it all comes down to the 50/50 factor, you will or you will not, catch / win / lose etc.....

many people argue the risk of getting a girl pregnant the first time, is low... but it happens..... lol.....

[sugarlandian]

MasterBenson & bh2 guy: Thanks for the reply, and the PM with the "return receipt requested". (Not sure what that's about......???) As to the wife thing, I handle things in my relationship properly, thank you very much. Don't assume I'm a scoundrel!! Also, I understand all the stuff about testing/incubation periods, risks, etc. I appreciate the concerns.

To the other PM'rs: Thanks for the notes, and the kind words. Answers are never easy, are they?

To you all, who knows where this goes, if anywhere. I was just another middle age guy asking a question. Same place alot of us are.

Peace.

[jem_is_bi]

Risks,Risks!!! We live with risks of somewhat bad stuff and really bad stuff until they happen, then we live with the reality of that, maybe even die sooner than expected. Alternatively, we live in total fear of all risk and avoid all risk, then die sooner than expected from the stress of it all or, worse, live even longer in total fear.
I live by the first option and have the scars to prove it.

[tenni]

It's true that herpes can be that way.

I do know men who've had sex without condoms for both oral and anal sex with men who had herpes and they did not get it but they didn't have sex with the person when they had herpes outbreaks as they were in so much pain from the herpes lesions they did not want to have sex at all.

What tenni wrote about with frottage or rubbing cocks together is very very low risk for HIV as you'd have to have open cuts or sores on your penis and get poz blood or poz cum into them in order to get HIV. But you can very easily get herpes and genital warts from sex like he described.

You are probably correct if the people are careless. I know a male/female couple and they each brought to their marriage an STD. One had herpes and the other has genital warts. They knew in particular when the Herpes was acting up but nothing is fool proof. The guy is a very good friend of mine and when they wanted to have a baby, I asked him about that problem. They have been together for about 15 years now and just learned how to get it to work without infecting the other..including sex without a condom to get pregnant. So, it is trust, honesty and building up respect rather than a one nighter. However, it all does start with one night...or day :bigrin:

[yahee54]

I feel very similar as you do, and have had the fantasy for so many year, while masturbating, but today was a special day. I had my first encounter and it was awesome, gave one another a bj and massage... got hot licking his balls, don't wait, have you fantasy come out. Get tested as I did, to feel better.. oh awesome... bi curious... love life.. :bipride:

[Long Duck Dong]

Risks,Risks!!! We live with risks of somewhat bad stuff and really bad stuff until they happen, then we live with the reality of that, maybe even die sooner than expected. Alternatively, we live in total fear of all risk and avoid all risk, then die sooner than expected from the stress of it all or, worse, live even longer in total fear.
I live by the first option and have the scars to prove it.

lol.... yeah... even now if I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't.... I carry too many scars in my mind and on my heart and body, to count...... but every one of them is cos I have lived.... and I would rather carry scars than not live at all