Unsure and need help...

[serenstar]

Hey guys...

Here is my issue.

I am currently in a relationship with a great girl who I have been seeing for about a year now. I enjoy spending time with her, we go away, we have fun, chat, laugh alot and things are generally great.
She is gay and I am well...confused to say the least. I am attracted to men and have had several heterosexual relationships. Something was different with her though...when the whole thing started I couldn't believe I was falling for a woman but regardless of sex it was her as a person I was attracted to.
The issue I have is that I know eventually I will go back to being in a relationship with a man - I think this is due to the fact I want a family, I want a husband...all those things. Please don't try and convince me I can have that with a woman because I simply don't want it with a woman.
I love my girlfriend, I just think being 'bi' if we are going to label me will eventually become an issue as she identifies as gay. She has already said that if she wanted kids etc she would have to adopt etc and have to have a civil partnership. Is it bad I don't want those things? I don't want our relationship to have an expiry date as such and part of me just thinks enjoy the moment as I'm young...there are plenty of years to figure out what you want...I feel awful....

Please don't think I'm a bad person for feeling this way - it's a very confusing time and other friends that are gay or bi just seem to joke about my confusion which is upsetting to say the least...x

[bizel]

hi serenstar, you don't mention how young you are, so that could have an impact on your decision (if you're very young, you have plenty of time. if in 30's children need to be thought about now). and you don't mention if there's one particular man in your line of fire but irreguardless, i've learnt one thing it's important to be true to yourself. i'm sorry to say, this relationship doesn't have enough to last the distance but you know that. and it's only been a year, not ten years as some people struggle through. the real issue is your long term plans. you don't want what she wants. she's told you her plans so be fair to her and stop keeping yours a secret. you're not interested, be honest with her, let her go so she can find someone who does share them. and when you have your next relationship, be completely honest with your partner about your preferences and long-term dreams. you may find they don't share them so best get it out up front to avoid too many ouchies. best of luck, B

[Realist]

Star, you're in the middle of an old, old, story!

You've found someone who excites and pleases you, but there are things about her that you know you can't live with, forever. Does she know that, or does she expect your relationship to be a committed one? The whole story hasn't been revealed, so my answers may not be accurate. but, here's a shot in the dark:

I may be wrong, but maybe you haven't told her how you feel, or what your intentions are for the future. If she loves you, or is in love with you, and you intend to use her until you're tired of her.........that's a cruel thing to do! A broken heart is an awful gift!

Perhaps if you told her, she'd move on, leaving you alone.

Or, she may stay with you for a while, but she'll know there'n no long-term opportunities for you both. Attitudes, feelings and security will no longer be the same.

If your relationship is superficial for the moment, things could remain the same. But, if you're not honest with her, that's not fair and she has no recourse but to be surprised when you reveal your intentions to her.

You do what you feel is best for you, but remember, others have feelings, too.

[serenstar]

I have been honest with her and I have told her that eventually I think I may end up with a man. Her response was that "you never know"
She and I are happy to see how things go at this present time and she does not make future plans as such - the adoption/civil partnership conversation was a hypothetical one.
I have been honest with her about my sexuality - I have told her I am attracted to her and not women in general and that I am attracted to men. I suppose in the end she is right no one ever knows what the future will bring and maybe we don't need to decide that right now at 24 years old.

I would never intentionally hurt her although it seems being "bi" causes enough problems and heartache without meaning to.

[Diva667]

I have been honest with her and I have told her that eventually I think I may end up with a man. Her response was that "you never know"
She and I are happy to see how things go at this present time and she does not make future plans as such - the adoption/civil partnership conversation was a hypothetical one.
I have been honest with her about my sexuality - I have told her I am attracted to her and not women in general and that I am attracted to men. I suppose in the end she is right no one ever knows what the future will bring and maybe we don't need to decide that right now at 24 years old.

I would never intentionally hurt her although it seems being "bi" causes enough problems and heartache without meaning to.

It is important to remember that not all relationships last and that they end for all sorts of reasons.

Or to quote someone else "All relationships fail, until one doesn't."

The important thing is to be honest with her and yourself. It sounds as if you've done this. That being said it is her responsibility to look out for herself, as she is an adult.

So I think your gut instinct of enjoying the moment is completely correct. You know (& you've told her) that you have no long term plans with another woman. There isn't much room for confusion there.

If she doesn't believe you, or thinks that she can change your mind, there isn't much you can do about it. If she were in a relationship with another gay woman there could be other difficulties involved, other hurdles. There are a million and one reasons why relationships fail.

My advice, relax and enjoy the moment. You've been honest about your intentions, what she chooses to do is up to her.

[Realist]

I agree with Diva.

Now that I've heard the rest of the story, I think you're going about this in the right way and whatever happens will take it's own course, naturally, and not because of deceptions. Enjoy, make some good memories, and cherish this special time in your life.