Coming out to my wife?

[r1648513]

I have always been interested in having sex with a man though this was always secondary to my interest in women. I was and am attracted to women, got married relatively young and enjoy sex with my wife. I also never stopped thinking of sex with a man (though these thoughts would go away for a while, and be obsessive at other times). I masturbated to thoughts of sex with men (usually involving a woman, like MMF threesomes, femdom/forced bi or cuckold fantasies). It was only in the last year that I finally went through with it and had sex with a man, which I only did once as I felt bad about cheating and was afraid to get caught or pick up an STD.

I now understand and accept that I am bisexual (though heteroromantic) and want to discuss this with my wife. We have had problems with our marriage, mostly due to communication as she isn't very open about her feelings and makes it hard for me to share with her. This has been a problem as we drifted apart a bit and I longed for a deeper emotional connection. We are now in therapy and working through things and I am hopeful it will get better.

I am looking for advice on whether I should come out to her as bi, how to do this, and whether you know of some good discussions or articles on this topic (in these forums or elsewhere). I have already come out to her as submissive and asked her to use a strapon on me. She is open to these things but a bit overwhelmed and hasn't done much of anything with this information yet though she seems to accept it. The problem is that she doesn't seek out info too easily and was very repressed sexually. While she is opening up a bit, her view is still limited as she hasn't really viewed porn, read erotica, had little sex prior to me, and doesn't discuss sexual topics with friends. She doesn't know what is typical, what to expect and tends to think the worst, get scared and shut down. If/when I do tell her I have thoughts and interests in sex with men, I do not intend to tell her about my one time cheating as that would do more harm than it could possibly do good.

Any advice on how I should proceed?

[bizel]

hi and welcome to your first post (i read your profile thingo). i'm a straight wife with a hubby coming out so maybe i can give you help from my perspective. do remember, i'm in the early stages myself. there are other women here, who have gone through the process with their 'bi' partners, and are smiling at the end. i aim to be one of them.

you say you're in therapy. what you don't say is why you're in therapy if it's not over this issue. if you're already having problems, this could be the last straw. but it can also be your opening. she does need to know that you are 'bi'. a secret this big will surface at some stage, so best with a therapist who should be able to calm and ally her fears. she doesn't need details. she needs reassurance that your marriage is strong and you are not walking out on her. she needs to know that this is a NEED, not a WANT, that this is not an excuse to cheat on her. that you have tried for years to suppress these urges, but this secret is starting to tear you apart. you need to remind her she is loved, that you are IN LOVE with her. what you seek with men is purely physical, you're not looking for an emotional relationship with men. you need to ask her if she loves you enough to help you, to trust you. i would clear all of this with the therapist first though. but i'm in the same position minus therapist, and that would help me no end.

maybe the reason you are in therapy is due to this underlying issue which is subconsciously created other issues(?). either way, i recommend living an honest life, true to yourself and those you love. if they truly love you back, they will work at the change cos they care about you. there will be tears, but that's not an excuse not to do it. if your marriage is fated to end, it will no matter what. sorry if that sounds harsh but it is true. no-one can predict the future. look at my threads if you need to know you're not alone. i'm in tears at the possible end of mine. it's not easy, but i'd rather know the truth any day. i don't want my hubby hurting, and i don't want him lying to me.

if i wasn't in such an early, teary stage myself, i'd gladly offer to email your wife or she email me. i just don't think i'm far enough along the process to advise her when she's going to be so new to the idea. one site suggested to me though was 'alternative path'. there seems to be a community of women going through the same thing, who want to come to terms with this situation and save their marriages. it may help her.

there are a lot of lovely people in what i call my 'on-line family'. they are wise, gentle, witty, clever and most of all, there when i need them. please keep in touch with us. hug, b

[DuckiesDarling]

You should proceed slowly. Sorry I know that's not much help. The fact she's open to using a strapon is a good sign. I think you are right about not disclosing past relations with a man but you do need to have an understanding with your partner before you do it again.

Now if you can get your partner to watch this link, she can see that the strapon can be used not just to fuck you, but to make love to you.

http://www.spankwire.com/Amateur-Strapon-3/video184383/

All in all she needs to know, not the cheating, but the wanting. But if she asks specifically if you have, don't lie to her. She needs to know you will be truthful to her. Let her know that it doesn't change your love or your need for her. Then you can decide where you go from there. Whether an open relationship where both of you can seek sexual satisfaction with others or a couple that stays true but uses a strapon to simulate what you need. I don't advocate continuing to cheat while keeping her totally in the dark because there is nothing more devastating to a marriage than finding out a partner cheated.

[Long Duck Dong]

based around years of counselling and therapy work, these are my observations.....

your wife is doing what you expect of her.... shes following your lead, not her own desires, understanding or seeing that she has choices.....

as you say, she doesn't know what is typical..... ahh typical for who... you ??? her ??? the relationship ??? the roles in the relationship ????

I would hazard a quess that she is still exploring who she is as a person and has the added pressure to become what you want in a wife and partner, I can not help but notice that there is a lot of your wishes, your desires, your needs, your wants...... and your wife doesn't do, doesn't watch, doesn't read, doesn't talk....

now you refer to communication issues in the relationship and drifting apart.... and right there, based around the rest of your post is the answer......

now first things first.... drop the sexuality and sex aspect on the back burner.... your marriage is in trouble and you are more concerned about sex and getting laid ???????

you need to listen with your partner, talk with your partner, understand with your partner..... there is too much of this * TO * you partner..... hell we even make love TO our partners.... not WITH them....

allow her to find her own level of understanding, acceptance and communication ... don't make one for her, or you will be forcing her to be a*model * wife a trophy partner, a prized catch..... not your partner that you love dearly

your bisexual desires are not her issue, they are yours, same with the reading erotica, the viewing porn, the strap on etc..... not hers..... if they were hers and yours, there would be less issues and more interaction.....

drop the *bar * in your relationship... your expectations are higher than hers and different.... let her be your partner on her terms and she will learn to fly with your support.... instead of being thrown off a cliff and told to fly......

love and consideration, understanding and acceptance are a big part of all relationships.... and we all have our own issues.... and it seems too many times that they go out the window when it comes to sex and bisexuality.... then it appears a lot to become one sided and the partner becomes the *evil, repressed, selfish etc* person...not partner... unless they turn around and say, * darling fuck who you want, on your terms and I will do as you want * and then they become the prized partner, the perfect partner, the ones we love.....

thats not judging you... thats my personal observations from years of listening with other people and their issues, as a counsellor and therapist

[NakedInSeattle]

My concern is you say she isn't open about her feelings and she is very repressed sexually. That's 2 strikes against accepting a bisexual husband. I feel a wife must be very open to her and her guy's feelings and very open to other venues of sexuality (porn, erotica, gay and lesbian issues, etc.) before she could possibly accept a bisexual husband. I know! I 've had both and I thank the heavens that my present wife is the latter.

The other writers seem more positive about the outcome of this than I do.

Good luck.

[marysueiowacd]

I came out to my wife about my crossdressing and it took a long time and a lot of talking. She seems very accepting of my dressing and buys me clothes on special occasions. We have been married over 35 yrs and I told her about this side of me about 10 yrs a go. Sex between is slow close to stopping. mainly health issues'.She knows and is ok with my masterbateing. Now I am bi and have had a few experiences with other cd's and this was just a couple of yrs a go. I am not sure but she might suspect as much. I would love to tell her but not sure how she would take it as we have a gay son. We both love him and he is still a part of our family. He always will be. Just letting you all know we are both open minded. I don't need to be lectured on infidelty as i already know it is wrong. As you all know trying to fight bisexuality is something hard if not impossible to fight. So my question is to the loving wifes with a bi husband. What is the best way to talk to you about it. Should we drop hints or just come out and say well you know I have this side of me.Now I should tell you we do love each other very much and I do not want to divorce over this. Hope I did not ramble but there is a lot to know about us and I hope to get some great advice. Hugs to all. Robyncd

[mikey3000]

Duckie's Darling is right. Go slow!!! I jumped right in and it nearly destroyed my marriage. start off with a little variation in your love making, then add a little dirty fantasy talk. Then maybe add a little adult movies and grow to porn, then maybe gay/lesbian porn, then maybe express your desires.

Look, we all have problems in our marriages. And maybe a problem for you is that your sex life is getting bland. Happens to all of us, me included. But once you get your kink on and start exploring, you'll be amazed how things can change. But do try to be as honest as you can from this point forward. We all have secrets in out closets, and sometimes, that is the best place for them. Besides you don't need the guilt. Just try is all I ask. Only you know what is best for your marriage, just be very careful. The last thing you want is to get caught with your pants down with another guy.

Good luck!! It can work outand you and your wife can have an extremely rewarding life together. Enjoy!!! You are at the start of an incredible journey.