is he even bi?

[bizel]

dear on-line family, need your advice and guidance again. just had strange conversation with hubby (he has urges to have intimacy with men and i suggested he may be bi, though he wonders if he's gay), and he is going to meet a gay man today - to chat, maybe more if it is appropriate. but he also said that he felt so confused that he didn't even know anymore, if he even loved his family, that he doesn't even know which way is up. he is hoping that exploring in this manner will give him some clear guidance as to us. this made me wonder if he has more issues than simply sex and is focusing on sex as the answer. he was molested as a child, brought up in a large family with lots of brothers and, was in an accident with his best mate when younger in which the friend died. he's not a man of many words so he's struggling to put his confusion into words for me. and maybe he's using the wrong words. i'm wondering if bi guys can tell me if they went through such confusion before they accepted their bi-ness? or was their confusion obviously sexual and not so emotional? has anyone got any clues as to what he's going through? is this normal and why young people kill themselves over their sexuality? i want to help him so badly, but wonder if i've got the wrong end of the stick. PLEASE HELP.

[Long Duck Dong]

based around what you have shared, there are issues that exist, that could be guessed at and assumed.... but without some very open and honest talking with your partner at a professional level, it would be very hard to help you both come to some understanding

he may be hetero, bi, gay or sexuality confused, its hard to say as there are underlying issues that may be contributing to the issues going on.....

I support his seeking out gay males as a attempt to understand his sexuality but I do suggest seeking out a non judgemental counsellor that can help him resolve the issues within himself.....
the counselling should not be about his sexuality but about helping him find a more stable base for understanding and resolving any emotional / mental issues that can be clouding his ability to better know himself.....

it would be better if he could find his sexuality cos its part of him.... instead of creating a sexuality that is part of the issues in his past......
its something that is very real in people.... and yes, it can lead to suicidal tendencies, as the emotions and thoughts do not match the inclinations and desires... and that creates far more conflict than it resolves

[slipnslide]

I have to agree with LDD. Sounds like he's in a world of hurt for many reasons. Now is the time for a professional to help start pulling these issues apart and figure out what he needs to deal with to be a happy individual.

I fear that meeting with a gay man for conversation. . .and more if appropriate may not be helpful. The conversation yes, but anything further will likely only lead to further confusion and stress at this time.

You sound wonderfully supportive. He's lucky for that. If anything, maybe reminding him that you're his wife, but you're also likely the best friend he has and you're right with him as he figures this out. If he can see you as part of the process and not a roadblock to it, then maybe your marriage will survive and only be stronger.

Yes this confusion does lead kids to do horrible things. As an adult who is just coming to grips with his sexuality I can attest that it is not fun. Just as you start to feel good about it someone who doesn't know about your sexuality makes some anti-gay comment which is like being hit with a hot branding iron in your heart. Suddenly again you feel like a freakish outsider.

In fairness, I don't know what I'm talking about and just spewing opinion here. I wish both of you well and hope that your husband's stress and anxiety gets resolved with time.

[bizel]

i wish we could go for counselling. unfortunately, he's presently living an 8 hour drive away, and works 6 days a week. i'm housebound with my invalid mother who can't be moved. i hate the distance and wonder if it's helping or hindering. i think, for him, it gives him space to do what he needs. for me, it's murder cos all i can do is mull things over to death.

he met with this man and they became partially intimate. he thought it was wonderful.this first step has decided nothing for him, except he enjoyed it. how do you know when it's just enjoying sex or resolving the issue?

[Long Duck Dong]

lol give it 3 days...... and watch his reactions and thoughts, that will give you insight and understanding

[Plumhead2]

"i wish we could go for counselling. unfortunately, . . . " Huh, no valid excuse follows. Please, hear me. There seem to be so many serious issues that only a good, non-judgmental counselor can help untangle them. Going to counseling does not mean he is crazy. It means that sometimes you need a skilled person to help him understand himself better so that he can work through his questions in a non-destructive way.

[mikey3000]

Bizel, I understand what he's going through. I've been there recently myself. He is realizing that something in his life is missing and likely has been for a long time. Once he figures that big thing out, then he'll want to figure out how ALL the pieces fit together, and that includes, you and his familt too. He does love you all, trust me on that, he's just so confused right now. Please be patient with him, show him you will always love him, and give him space. I read a wonderful book that helped me figure it all out. I'll PM it to you if you'd like. Maybe pass it on to him? I was just so wonderful for me.

Best of luck!!!

[bizel]

thank you so much, mikey. i know he's struggling, and as much as i say i understand, i can never really understand what he's internalizing and going through. from my end, i just spend days crying cos i don't know if i have a future with him. maybe i love him too much? don't know. our relationship has just been so wonderful that i just didn't see this coming. i read ldd's comment and was giving it 3 days before i asked hubby any questions. the last time i asked, i was sorry cos i didn't really want to hear THAT answer. i realise things will change between us, hopefully for the better. if he's a happier person because of this outlet, then this journey's worth it.

i'm so sorry it was like this for you. no-one should have to go through this. it's awful. it should be so straightforward. what you said gives me such hope. i will be patient. i am giving him space. i don't want him to misinterpret the space as me withdrawing from him, so i guess i'd better make that clear. as to the book, he's not a great reader. but i'd love the title (i don't know what PM means). once again, thank you so much. you have earned your merry christmas pressies for this good deed (as has ldd) lol !!!

[Long Duck Dong]

PM means private message...lol

the 3 day comment is one I give a lot... cos for some dammed reason there is always 3 days between a change in a lifestyle and the effects on the emotions and the mind..... don't ask me why as I have never worked it out....lol

[bizel]

boy, do i feel a dill. i sent mikey a private message, not realising PM was that. i thought it may be a postage code in that country. having a blonde moment! thanks ldd. have been reading your posts and you seem to have a sensible head stuck on your shoulders cos i'm really enjoying them. keep up the good work. it is appreciated. this forum is absolutely the best!

[onewhocares]

I know how hard it is to be accepting of a lover who is bisexual. I will graciously reccommed the following groups which have helped me immensely:


http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MMOMW/ which is a group to help Mixed Orientation Marriages Work...EITHER partner can join
or

HUGS which both members of the couple (no matter if they are bi, straight, gay,les, trans ) a great perspective.

Or

Alternate Paths...a place for women of bi or gay men to gain understanding, guidence and support.

Or email ME and I will try and be a friend to you.

Belle

[DuckiesDarling]

boy, do i feel a dill. i sent mikey a private message, not realising PM was that. i thought it may be a postage code in that country. having a blonde moment! thanks ldd. have been reading your posts and you seem to have a sensible head stuck on your shoulders cos i'm really enjoying them. keep up the good work. it is appreciated. this forum is absolutely the best!

Shh don't swell his head, it's big enough :) Actually he can be a right smartass at times but he's my smartass so that's okay with me.

Good luck, Bizel. Sometimes things have to happen as they are meant to happen. As Mikey said to you, there will always be love there. Whether that love will change from partner to friend or inbetween is something only you all can decide. He is unsure of his path and until he can start walking one side or the other you are the anchor for him. You just keep talking to him, it's all you can do. Don't push one way or the other or deliver ultimatums, especially if you have no intention of following through on them.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ok, define partially intimate for me....Has he or Hasnt he had relations with the guy yet..?
Cat, confused at this late hour. Almost 1 a.m. my time..lol

[minnesotaguy21]

Ya I had the same problem I thought I was gay and started dating gay guys it took me a while to understand who I am..........a bisexual man

[bizel]

Ok, define partially intimate for me....Has he or Hasnt he had relations with the guy yet..?
Cat, confused at this late hour. Almost 1 a.m. my time..lol

sorry cat, i'm still a little prudish, i guess. i didn't want to make it too graphic, or sound too slutty cos i know it's a special journey he's on and i don't want to belittle it. ok, partially intimate is kissing and blowjob received by him, and tasting the other guy's penis. i was devastated when he told me, but it was my own fault. i pushed him to tell me. for me, he's the only man i've ever bj'd. i discovered the pleasure with him and for me it's so special. i know, i know, people do it at the drop of a hat all over the world all the time. but not me. and to think he was rolling his eyes and making that lovely groan with a stranger and not me, was heartbreaking. i've since learnt not to ask, just check he's okay. i'm not like a lot of people. i can only be sexually intimate with someone i am emotionally bonded with. so, of course, i judge his situation from my perspective. and in this case, i have to keep reminding myself that just cos i need emotional involvement, doesn't necessarily mean he does. it's just so difficult to stand back. today he went back to explore a little more. he hasn't rung and i've respected that. i don't know if he was hurt by my pushing him last time, or he sensed i was hurt when he answered me. how much longer is this going to take? it would be less painful to eat broken glass. anyway, the journey continues.......

[Realist]

You wrote.........."i can only be sexually intimate with someone i am emotionally bonded with. "

I can totally relate to this, Bizel. I've heard more than one person say that is more of a feminine trait........not a male one! This is probably one major reason I haven't had more lovers of either gender. Sexual relationships, that were not based on at least an emotional bond, if not loving, were never satisfying to me. Hence, I've never had a one-night stand with a male and only one, or two with females.........and that was when I was very young.

As one who feels the need to please as well as be pleased, platonic relationships just don't get it done for me.

[TheBisexualProfessor]

As Dianna and I have worked through my issues over the last two years, I've been where he is. There are these momentary lapses where I think I can't be this way, it's all some need to fantasize or to push the limits of sexual experience.

I guess that can be the case.

But then I'm driving down the beach and a 20-something gorgeous guy runs past with no shirt and I almost have a wreck and I feel that powerful, budding sensation between my legs and at the base of my spine. It's real -- even when I'm not conscious of it!

Johnny

[TheBisexualProfessor]

Oh, if you and/or hubbie want to speak directly via email my address is:

passionatephd@gmail.com

Johnny

[bizel]

update: got the phone call this morning about yesterday's 'going all the way'. i am assuming this as i didn't ask but he said the sex was absolutely amazing.(suppose all bi guys are reading this with knowing smiles on their faces). well, i didn't, i got a knot in my stomach instead. how do i compete with 'absolutely amazing'? i had thought our sex life was pretty amazing - now i'm just mediocre? i asked if there was to be a repeat performance and he asked why. the gay and lesbian helpline said no repeats cos of emotional attachments. hubby said no, this wasn't emotional. does that mean then, it's a purely physical need. guys (and i may be making an assumption here) seem to be so much more driven sexually. one month ago, i thought my world was great. now, i don't know what my world is. he says he needs space and told him ok. i read out mikey's comments above and hubby said that sounded true, but no-one could really understand how it's affecting him cos everyone is different. how many bi people walk out of relationships when they 'come out'? i read of plenty where the partner does, but haven't read of any the other way around. how long does this realisation take? why is it such a big deal? if the two of us are okay with it, why is he so confused? why isn't he looking at it as if he's been given an extra cupcake of pleasure that i'm okay with and maybe will even enjoy with him later on? i know he was worried at one stage that i would be settling for less than i should in this relationship. is that the main worry? isn't that my decision to make?

it just occurred to me, is sex different guy on guy to guy on girl? it's still a hole, isn't it? or if giving, a strap on is still like a penis. guys, what makes it so different? is it just because i haven't hit his g spot yet? sorry, if this sounds too crudely put.


i've got a lot of questions here. can someone try to answer them all in some way? i know i may sound like a whining old bag, but hubby doesn't want me to talk to family/friends about this and i respect his needs. but i have no-one to share a coffee and box of tissues with. HELP please. and yes, bisexual professor and one who cares, i would love to PM you. hope you don't get sick of me. i'm not the clingy type. just the massively confused type right now.

[bikiniman]

You have a lot of questions and I can only help you with a few.

how long does this realisation take? why is it such a big deal? if the two of us are okay with it, why is he so confused?

I am in my 40s and only recently discovered that I am bi. When you have suppressed these feelings and bottled them up for so long they have a tendency to overwhelm you. When you have lived your life thinking that you are a normal hetro sexual man and then realise that you are sexually attracted to men it is so confusing and makes you question every aspect of your left. I spent at least one week convinced that I was gay. It took me almost two years to come to terms with and understand my sexuality.

The fact that he is talking to you about it is fantastic, he obviously loves you and trusts you. Hang in there, give him some time to work it out and keep communicating.

[Long Duck Dong]

update: got the phone call this morning about yesterday's 'going all the way'. i am assuming this as i didn't ask but he said the sex was absolutely amazing.(suppose all bi guys are reading this with knowing smiles on their faces). well, i didn't, i got a knot in my stomach instead. how do i compete with 'absolutely amazing'? i had thought our sex life was pretty amazing - now i'm just mediocre? i asked if there was to be a repeat performance and he asked why. the gay and lesbian helpline said no repeats cos of emotional attachments. hubby said no, this wasn't emotional. does that mean then, it's a purely physical need. guys (and i may be making an assumption here) seem to be so much more driven sexually. one month ago, i thought my world was great. now, i don't know what my world is. he says he needs space and told him ok. i read out mikey's comments above and hubby said that sounded true, but no-one could really understand how it's affecting him cos everyone is different. how many bi people walk out of relationships when they 'come out'? i read of plenty where the partner does, but haven't read of any the other way around. how long does this realisation take? why is it such a big deal? if the two of us are okay with it, why is he so confused? why isn't he looking at it as if he's been given an extra cupcake of pleasure that i'm okay with and maybe will even enjoy with him later on? i know he was worried at one stage that i would be settling for less than i should in this relationship. is that the main worry? isn't that my decision to make?

it just occurred to me, is sex different guy on guy to guy on girl? it's still a hole, isn't it? or if giving, a strap on is still like a penis. guys, what makes it so different? is it just because i haven't hit his g spot yet? sorry, if this sounds too crudely put.


i've got a lot of questions here. can someone try to answer them all in some way? i know i may sound like a whining old bag, but hubby doesn't want me to talk to family/friends about this and i respect his needs. but i have no-one to share a coffee and box of tissues with. HELP please. and yes, bisexual professor and one who cares, i would love to PM you. hope you don't get sick of me. i'm not the clingy type. just the massively confused type right now.

does eating mcdonalds make kfc mediocre.... does going to burger king mean that pizza hut is not making the grade now ?????

what it means is the range of choices and you may perfer mc'ds today and kfc tomorrow......

now you are concerned about sex with you being mediocre.... while you know yourself, its anything but mediocre..... so I want you to think about xmas..... every year you get the new presents but often you retain some of the old ones from past years as they are firm favourites

for a lot of people, they enjoy casual sexual encounters, but they have life long partners that they love deeply and stay with.....and its not cos their partners are suddenly mediocre.... but their partners have that added lil something that makes them worth spending a lifetime with....

now needing space is something that didn't surprise me... do not take his remarks personally..... hes asking for time to work out and understand what has happened... hes been with a male, it was mind blowing sex.... but now what is the next step.....?????

was it great causal sex or is there more....
how does he feel now about fucking another male
is he handling it or not
what about you, you matter to him too... what is the next step to make and what is the right step

then there can be your anxiety and concerns and you may be pushing him a lil hard for answers that he doesn't have and he may want to give you clear answers and decisions so you both know what the future can hold.....

as for the sex question.... we are all different and yes sexual expression can be different for all of us..... I am fine with a cock or a strap on... but I lack the ability to form any form of emotional connection to any gender ( its a mental illness issue ).....so what draws me is the emotional energy I can feel coming off the other person......

so what I will suggest for you is to think back over past lovers ( I am assuming you have them ) and how sex was different with each of them and how some lovers you desired in some ways and not others.... yet other lovers you desired in other ways.... and not the same ways as the first group

its the same for bisexuals etc we can find that we are dealing with it with both genders.....

for many male bisexuals, yes it can be about another hole and a cock.... but for bisexuals like mikey, they need the emotional and mental aspect as well, so mikey handled things differently.....

its the same with me and mikey, we handle things so differently.... yet understand pretty much the same thing.....

I have a habit of suggesting contact with the older and more experienced bi males in the site, not to disrespect the younger bi males, but cos the older males have a wealth of understanding and experience and commitment in relationships and with partners compared to people like me who have never married and had dual partners

[bizel]

LDD, you are a gem. i've been racing around like a headless chook. you make it so clear for me. i truly love your posts. i don't think hubby's thought about the kfc/mcd comparison (actually Joe said it was hamburger and chilli dog - think i told hubby that one) but i have a feeling he was so taken with it being sooo good with a guy, that he can't get his head around that. i haven't had much sexual exposure so i can't help him there. three to be exact, and one was a one night stand - after that, i discovered i needed emotional attachment, so have lived my life with extreme caution. if hubby hadn't been so persistent, wouldn't have tried again either. he was so adorable wooing me, but that's another story.

i did tell him today, that i didn't want to know what happened when he met the guy the second time. i only asked he keep me in the loop, cos i worry about him. he understands i need to talk and is happy i have found this site cos he can't answer my questions. why is this 'coming out' thing so hard? why can't he just accept he enjoys guys as well, that i'm okay with it, and let's move onto another level of our relationship? mikey said it took him 2yrs to fully accept. i'm going to be a raving lunatic by then, if this is any indication. strewth!

[DuckiesDarling]

Okay, Bizel, I'm straight and I'm in love with a male that just happens to be bisexual. Unlike your situation he told me before we ever got serious about one another, actually he told me by sending me to this site to look at a profile of Long Duck Dong. I'd had gay and bi friends my whole life, but sexuality didn't matter to me, they were just my friends. I thought I could apply that to my lover and found out quickly I couldn't. As a matter of fact our time together in New Zealand actually made it a bit harder for him as I took him with a feeldoe and it kind of awakened more urges. He began wanting so badly to be filled from behind while he was deep inside me and felt that would make him complete. One problem with that, we are monogamous so we began looking at other scenarios and both of us could find something wrong with each.

Now the one thing that is constant is the way we feel for each other, we know we are meant to be and, despite a myriad of obstacles that include moving from one country to another, we know we will be together.

But like you I sometimes feel completely inadequate. That I am not "enough". I've seen a few posts of his back when he was coming to terms with some things and I felt I didn't measure up to be the love of his life. But we talked about it. We talked to each other not at each other and that's why we work.

Honestly at this moment, and I do not mean to try to hurt you, it seems that you want him to be bi because you couldn't handle it if he realized he was gay. You have to understand there are many variables to the bispectrum of sexuality. Some are attracted to same sex gender physically only, some emotionally only and some need both to have a same sex relationship. They can be primarily with one gender and side trips to the other side, or they can be an equal mix. But the key is communication. Keep talking but don't push him to declare he's anything other than the man you fell in love with, the man you had a child with, the man you know.

I wish both of you luck.

[biblkman]

Hey, ever since I sent you that message I've been thinking of you and your hubbys situation .

Well I stumbled upon a site yester, I think it would help him understand himself better and help you deal with what's going on.

The site is called " shybi-guy.com " its a lot like this one but has more men sharing thier confusion , feelings ,and thoughts about thier sexuality, maybe if he goes to this site , after reading , commenting and posting he will get a better understanding of himself and what he wants and maybe how he identifies himself. You should brows through some of the posts too it may be helpful .

Shybi-guy.com is for men and Shybi.com is the side for bi women, your not bi but I bet there's a quite a few women there going through the same thing read thier stories it may help
And who knows maybe the two of you can browse the site together and open the door for possitive dialog.......good luck.

[bizel]

can't stop thinking about what duckies darling said. i'm the one that said the word 'bi' to hubby, only cos i couldn't see how a man could enjoy sex with a woman (and enjoying playing with her boobs as he does) and be gay. to me, gay means you only want to have sex with your own gender. if he enjoys sex with me as well, isn't that bi? but after a sleepless night, i realise it isn't so black and white - there's a bloody waterfall of grey inbetween. if i'm honest, he probably hasn't told me the complete truth about the depth of his feelings. if i get him drunk, he really opens up but that is impossible at present - and besides, is kinda an invasion of his mind which i won't do. one drunk phone call was how i found out this was a growing issue and not going away. could it simply be that he was so struck by how enjoyable sex with a man could be? i can't believe i couldn't see some sign or hint of this earlier. i just can't believe i could have got it so wrong.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol bizel....

people use bisexuality as a term to define their sex lives.... and to justify their actions..... but they use it wrongly.... bisexuality is who they are attracted to.... sexual drive is how they act upon their desires and how often...... and thats where a lot of issues arise with misunderstanding bisexuality cos bisexuals are very good at using bisexuality as the reason for a number of aspects in their lives that are nothing to do with bisexuality

there are many people that use bisexuality as a reason for their sexual desires and multiple partners, casual hook ups etc... there are those that have only two partners ( one of each gender ) and are bisexual.....
there are those like me that are bisexual yet do not sleep with people ( I am non sexual while my partner is not living with me ).....

so bisexuality becomes simply a level of attraction to both genders... and that leaves you with sexual drive, sexual inclination and sexual desire..... and levels of commitment....

when bisexuals use excuses for their actions, it presents a image of bisexuals that is not true or correct..... things like:

I have to cheat on my partner cos I am bisexual and have urges.....
my partner is not understanding or accepting of my bisexuality so I have to cheat
I have desires and urges that my partner can not furfill so I need other lovers....

etc, etc

bisexuality is a attraction to other people be it emotionally / mentally and or sexually.... and it doesn't force you to cheat... as we do not see straight people saying they have to cheat cos their partner doesn't understand that they are hetero and have needs and desires

yes people can not be understanding or accepting of bisexuality.... but again, bisexuality is a attraction to people... and being attracted to people is not the issue.... the issue is that a lot of people can not understand or accept a persons desire to sleep with the same gender...
and when a person sleeps with others outside of their partner its not bisexuality.... again its sexual drive and sexual desire......

lastly, yes sex with a female and sex with a male are different, emotionally / mentally and sexually, many bisexuals talk about not feeling any emotional desire to the other person,... but there is emotional / mental *tweaks * in themselves that they do not realise or admit to..... and that can form a large part of their actions.....
again the bisexuality is the attraction.... but the sexual inclination and activity is the key factor there......

bizel... you are straight, your partner is sexuality confused... hes not sure if he is gay / bi or pansexual..... but the label is not that important, compared to who he loves, wants, needs and desires... that is the real key to bisexuals..... we are attracted to both genders, but like other sexualities, there is those we fuck and those we love

don't push your partner to take on a label, let him choose the label, and be your partner.... cos your partner is the label that matters now.....for him and for you......

what your partner is needing... is you.. your love, your trust, your support and your strength cos if he crashes and burns.... you become the most valuable thing in his life........ and if he is indeed bisexual and about to reconcil that in himself.... and as you have said, you have a interest in being involved too........ you both could have the type of relationship that most bisexuals would give their eye teeth for.....

but now its a case of time and reflection for both of you..... and the chance to show each other that you both love each other, are there for each other and that each other matters.... not the labels.... but the partners......

[mikey3000]

As Dianna and I have worked through my issues over the last two years, I've been where he is. There are these momentary lapses where I think I can't be this way, it's all some need to fantasize or to push the limits of sexual experience.

I guess that can be the case.

But then I'm driving down the beach and a 20-something gorgeous guy runs past with no shirt and I almost have a wreck and I feel that powerful, budding sensation between my legs and at the base of my spine. It's real -- even when I'm not conscious of it!

Johnny

LOL! Man do I know exactly what you mean. I went out to a club last week and ended up making out with this hot, hot dude. Completely unexpected!! I told my wife all about it and she was so turned on, but I didn't tell my BF. He'd be devastated. Go figure. :rolleyes: