too much going on this year

[alli_smiles]

I am truly having one of the oddest years. I let my former boyfriend know I was bisexual, and my friend of 20 years named Amber know too. At the time, at first they both seemed to handle it well....Then things changed. Boyfriend became more distant and started treating me like I was nothing more than a whore, even though I told him I was not doing anything with anyone- Cuz I am monogamous, I just don't need my partner to be male or female-I just needed to acknowledge that this is an important part of me that permeates my relationships and changes how I view my world and the people in it. I have had girlfriends, boyfriends... Next, Amber- she is still my friend, but she is different- less huggy, more careful around me. Then my first boyfriend shows up - and he gets this idea i should be happy to jump in bed with him after not seeing him for 20 plus years?, doesn't take no for an answer and I realize I am about to be raped, and he is not going to stop despite fighting, tears, and I had blocked out this pushiness of his when I was younger and here is where my issues started. I get him off of me and out of my apt, lock the door and have a complete meltdown. K...Meanwhile , current boyfriend listens to me, without comprehending/caring because he immediately wants to have sex. I tell myself I am a strong sane woman, only even I am not buying this. Amber helped pick up the pieces, listening, calming me down.
Needless to say, I discover my self esteem, and break it off with him. I gained a whole bunch of weight while I was all freaked out too. Ok, I am still freaked out...But I am looking in the mirror and telling myself I can look pretty, and I can work out and dress up and be safe...Meanwhile, my pendulum has swung all the way from boycrazy to bi to girlcrazy to bi and back to absolute crushes on women I don't even know like a 13 yr old....A , good 40% of all women I see have me spellbound/mesmerised/daydreaming and men have me scared senseless and eating too much. I feel like I have lost my equalibrium. I am pretty sure I should not date anyone til this straightens out, but I need to start socializing again-and I need to start finding people who are ok with me being who I am, not just bits and pieces of me. I have straight and lesbian friends who only like half of me! I don't deny who I am, but its pretty easy to tell when someone is uncomfortable. Any comments? Advice?

[DuckiesDarling]

Hugs ya, Alli. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time but unfortunately what you are going through is basically life. It changes, it spins out of control and you feel lost, then it finds it's axis and spins back and once again you are in control.

You didn't say how long ago your ex tried to rape you, if it was in the recent past you might want to call the cops, if he did this to you, he might succeed with someone else. Seek therapy, call victim support lines and get help so you can overcome this fear of men.

You do not need to shut yourself away but you are right about taking it easy on the dating. Don't let yourself be pushed into doing something before you are ready but take a look around at some LGBT groups.

If it makes you feel better combine your getting back in shape with some defense classes.

Above all, know that here, you can come and not be looked down upon for being bi.

[Long Duck Dong]

welcome to life

hun, not all life is controlled and structured the way we want it to be...and when our balance and control and structure is shaken, it shakes us to the core.... and we turn into a ship in the middle of the ocean during a typhoon

share with me if you want.... about what has really shaken you up more... the attempted rape, the attitudes of people.... or the idea that you are no longer in control of your life, you are at the mercy of your own desires and need for the stability back in your life again

your post talks to me about your confusion over your own self more than the issues you have dealt with.... you talk about them simply, clearly and honestly....but when you talk about your own desires, you reveal a clear shifting and unstable change within yourself.......

that has a lot to do with the set parameters we have within ourself when we define our bisexuality... each of us have that aspect....
now when we go thru issues that change the parameters, we also change as people....and while our bisexuality may take the left fork in the road, our mind and heart can take the right fork.... and our body takes the forward road......

what I would suggest, is rethinking your bisexual attractions and what draws you...as on a subconscious level, something has changed... you used to have your set parameters and they shifted, so you need to reset your bearings......
you are still a strong, sane lady..... and keep telling yourself that.... its merely your sense of you that is in need of tweaking again......

[Realist]

Alli, although I am a male, I have had to deal with similar issues you have. Without going into a long-drawn-out story, I can tell you that there is someone out there for you.

I am a prime example that there is someone for everyone! I'm presently in the best relationship of my life with a bisexual girl, who accepts me for being me, as I do her. Neither of us are jealous and we are free to come and go as we please, while being safe and keeping each other informed.

The miracle is, even though we now have that freedom, for these two years, neither of us have chosen to be with anyone else! I was in a relationship with a male friend, when we met, but he became jealous and bolted. She was OK with him, but he was not with her. I'm so happy with her that I've felt little desire to find another BF. She would like a GF, but has a very busy life, with little time to meet anyone. She, too, says she feels less of an urge to meet anyone. We may find someone we both want to be with, or not........there is no pressure to do it, though.

Maybe it would help for you to sit down and write down exactly what you really want and need, to make your life whole........then, strive for that goal. Don't allow anyone to compromise those goals..... for, when you settle for less than you want, you will never achieve those goals!

Hugs!

[bizel]

oh sweetheart, i wish i could give you a huge hug. i believe, your ex felt threatened because 'HE felt he had turned you gay or if he hadn't, he's man enough that he should have spotted something "wrong" with you and maybe he could 'turn you back'' and this is a threat to his masculinity. your friend amber felt worried about how to touch you cos 'was it going to turn you on and she's not into that' etc. of course, these reactions are ludicrous, but people's feelings are what they are, and very valid TO THEM. being that, their reactions are a reflection of them and their beliefs and experiences. that's the wonderful eye-opening, hopefully-for-you lightbulb moment. these are their issues. you do not have to take it onboard, cos they are NOT YOUR issues. you have got to read 'the four agreements' by don miguel ruiz (get it out at the library if funds short). it was on oprah ages ago, if that helps. quote: don't take anything personally. nothing others do is because of you. what others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dreams. when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. unquote. when george costanza in seinfeld said 'it's not you, it's me', he was more correct than he realised.

as for the weight, that comes off when you're happy again. stop looking in the mirror and concentrate on getting back on track. looks, at the moment, are soooo far down the priority line. go get yourself a box of tissues with aloe vera in them (to heal your dry nose), a cup of tea (to calm your soul) and start to shake off the world. you need to focus on healing you right now. soon, it won't be just 'good' again, it'll be better cos you'll be stronger. big hug.

[coyotedude]

I'm lousy with advice, so I'll just send a hug and good thoughts your way...

[Billys_gurl]

Alli my hubby and I both send you hugs. Your year has been tough on you hasn't it? Have you thought about talking to someone? I mean you can find help on hotlines, through clinics, or anyplace. It can be hard talking to strangers about things like what you are going through. I believe there are a few of us her at the site that know how you feel. I, like Realist, have my own long drawn out story that I will not get into here, but know that I know EXACTLY the feelings you have. It took me a long time to tell anyone what happened and believe it or not it was actually Realist, here in messages that I first told. He was a wonderful sounding board, listened with compassion, an became a dear friend because of it. He gave me the courage to tell my husband what happened, who promptly blamed himself because we had, as friends at the time, drifted apart. His comment was typical, 'If I had been there instead of looking elsewhere it wouldn't have happened'
What I'm trying to say is, YOU are most important right now. Your mental state and sense of self need to heal before anything else. Your friend Amber seems to care for your well-being, let her help you too.

[alli_smiles]

Hugs ya, Alli. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time but unfortunately what you are going through is basically life. It changes, it spins out of control and you feel lost, then it finds it's axis and spins back and once again you are in control.

You didn't say how long ago your ex tried to rape you, if it was in the recent past you might want to call the cops, if he did this to you, he might succeed with someone else. Seek therapy, call victim support lines and get help so you can overcome this fear of men.

You do not need to shut yourself away but you are right about taking it easy on the dating. Don't let yourself be pushed into doing something before you are ready but take a look around at some LGBT groups.

If it makes you feel better combine your getting back in shape with some defense classes.
Above all, know that here, you can come and not be looked down upon for being bi.

I joined a bi support group. That was actually a good thing. Not going to the cops. I did something worse. I told his wife.

[alli_smiles]

welcome to life

hun, not all life is controlled and structured the way we want it to be...and when our balance and control and structure is shaken, it shakes us to the core.... and we turn into a ship in the middle of the ocean during a typhoon

share with me if you want.... about what has really shaken you up more... the attempted rape, the attitudes of people.... or the idea that you are no longer in control of your life, you are at the mercy of your own desires and need for the stability back in your life again

your post talks to me about your confusion over your own self more than the issues you have dealt with.... you talk about them simply, clearly and honestly....but when you talk about your own desires, you reveal a clear shifting and unstable change within yourself.......

that has a lot to do with the set parameters we have within ourself when we define our bisexuality... each of us have that aspect....
now when we go thru issues that change the parameters, we also change as people....and while our bisexuality may take the left fork in the road, our mind and heart can take the right fork.... and our body takes the forward road......

what I would suggest, is rethinking your bisexual attractions and what draws you...as on a subconscious level, something has changed... you used to have your set parameters and they shifted, so you need to reset your bearings......
you are still a strong, sane lady..... and keep telling yourself that.... its merely your sense of you that is in need of tweaking again......
I am rethinking my parameters....Not sure where I will land, but i have decided that is ok. I went out to the only LGBT bar in my area and realized i was not scared of gay and bisexual men, only straight men....Had fun talking to people and listening to the bands play. (open mic night) The only consequence was I did not see a step and crunched my foot(ouch) on the way out.

[alli_smiles]

I'm lousy with advice, so I'll just send a hug and good thoughts your way...

Thank you - hugs back

[alli_smiles]

Alli, although I am a male, I have had to deal with similar issues you have. Without going into a long-drawn-out story, I can tell you that there is someone out there for you.

I am a prime example that there is someone for everyone! I'm presently in the best relationship of my life with a bisexual girl, who accepts me for being me, as I do her. Neither of us are jealous and we are free to come and go as we please, while being safe and keeping each other informed.

The miracle is, even though we now have that freedom, for these two years, neither of us have chosen to be with anyone else! I was in a relationship with a male friend, when we met, but he became jealous and bolted. She was OK with him, but he was not with her. I'm so happy with her that I've felt little desire to find another BF. She would like a GF, but has a very busy life, with little time to meet anyone. She, too, says she feels less of an urge to meet anyone. We may find someone we both want to be with, or not........there is no pressure to do it, though.

Maybe it would help for you to sit down and write down exactly what you really want and need, to make your life whole........then, strive for that goal. Don't allow anyone to compromise those goals..... for, when you settle for less than you want, you will never achieve those goals!

Hugs!

Thank you for the pep talk. I am glad you found each other.

[alli_smiles]

Alli my hubby and I both send you hugs. Your year has been tough on you hasn't it? Have you thought about talking to someone? I mean you can find help on hotlines, through clinics, or anyplace. It can be hard talking to strangers about things like what you are going through. I believe there are a few of us her at the site that know how you feel. I, like Realist, have my own long drawn out story that I will not get into here, but know that I know EXACTLY the feelings you have. It took me a long time to tell anyone what happened and believe it or not it was actually Realist, here in messages that I first told. He was a wonderful sounding board, listened with compassion, an became a dear friend because of it. He gave me the courage to tell my husband what happened, who promptly blamed himself because we had, as friends at the time, drifted apart. His comment was typical, 'If I had been there instead of looking elsewhere it wouldn't have happened'
What I'm trying to say is, YOU are most important right now. Your mental state and sense of self need to heal before anything else. Your friend Amber seems to care for your well-being, let her help you too.

Thank you- I am doing a little better- Joined a very small bi support group, trying to go to open mike night, talking about it helps.....

[DuckiesDarling]

I joined a bi support group. That was actually a good thing. Not going to the cops. I did something worse. I told his wife.

The fucker was married and tried that shit???? Good for you for telling her, hope she kicks his loser ass to the curb fast.

[bizel]

i'm with duckiesdarling, he's married?? what a loser! his wife learns from this valuable lesson. we're all so glad to hear you are happier and more focused. that is such fabulous news. this site is so full of helpful, brilliant people. their collective wisdom gives me and i'm sure, plenty of others hope. have a wonderful holiday season and stay in touch, B

[elian]

Well, that fact the you were almost raped (did I get that right?) and one of the few people you thought would/should care at one of your most vulnerable times wanted to have sex with you instead might have something to do with you "all the sudden" being scared off men.

I can't say or not that the motherly influence of your female friend made you more attracted to females but it is a possibility.

Learn to love yourself first before you go looking for love in others - otherwise you might confuse true love with other emotions and end up actually feeling worse than when you started.

Exercise is a good way to reduce stress, even a 30 minute walk - but do yourself a favor and do it for yourself - don't base your concept of self worth on what you *think* other people might think about you. I will tell you what I tell my dear bf - You are just as much a part of creation, and just as worthy of love and respect as anything else in this world.

None of us are perfect, I think that is probably the reason we are here. Some people might view that last sentence as referring to some sort of punishment but on the contrary - we get to live life and for most of us get the opportunity to make what we imagine into reality .. we are learning - it isn't always easy but it is always worthwhile.

<hugs>

-E

[Billys_gurl]

I am glad that you found a support group. It is a terrible thing to go through, whether it went all the way or was stopped. Kudos for telling his wife, and hopefully she believes you and not some lie his ass makes up. The other fella needs a boot up his ass in my opinion for being more concerned with his own needs and not listening to you. Just work on you, that is the most important thing. You may make some great friends at your support group, and they will listen when you need to talk. Elian may be right, with all that's happened to you that may be why you are 'kinda' afraid of guys right now. Give it time an you will find a guy who DESERVES your trust. I found one, and married him.

[Edandsweetsue]

The fucker was married and tried that shit???? Good for you for telling her, hope she kicks his loser ass to the curb fast.

I am 100% with DD on this one. Take care of yourself Sweetie and sooner or later it will all fall into place. I kissed way too many toads before I met Ed. Ed went though one user after another for years before he decided to go sailing and get his head togather before his next relationship. He was all healed up in his head by then and so was I. We clicked right from the start because we had both jettisoned the emotional baggage of the past. The only person who can make you happy is you. If you do that you have happiness to share with someone else. Good on you for seeking help and advice.
God!! I sound like my Mom,
Sue

[Edandsweetsue]

Try Kickboxing. It is a great way to get in shape. You probably will find that you will meet some intresting people at most of the kickboxing clubs. You also might discover it can come in handy the next time you encounter a pushy asshole.
Sorry, Sue would not let me offer firearms training:bigrin::bigrin:
Ed

[alli_smiles]

i'm with duckiesdarling, he's married?? what a loser! his wife learns from this valuable lesson. we're all so glad to hear you are happier and more focused. that is such fabulous news. this site is so full of helpful, brilliant people. their collective wisdom gives me and i'm sure, plenty of others hope. have a wonderful holiday season and stay in touch, B

I will definitely stay in touch.:)